Mike, Brooke Matherly, Christina Kann
Christina Kann 00:02
"This had to be Charlie, who worked with dragons in Romania. Charlie was built like the twins: shorter and stockier than Percy and Ron, who were both long and lanky. He had a broad, good-natured face, which was weather-beaten and so freckly that he almost looked tanned. His arms were muscular, and one of them had a large, shiny burn on it. Bill got to his feet, smiling, and also took Harry's hand. Bill came as something of a surprise. Harry knew that he had worked for the wizarding bank, Gringotts, and that Bill had been Head Boy at Hogwarts. Harry had always imagined Bill to be an older version of Percy: fussy about rule-breaking and fond of bossing everyone around. However, Bill was -- there was no other word for it -- cool. He was tall, with long hair that he had tied back in a ponytail. He was wearing an earring with what looked like a fang dangling from it. Bill's clothes would not have looked out of place at a rock concert, except that Harry recognized his boots to be made, not of leather, but of dragonhide." It's hot. They're both so hot.
Christina Kann 01:32
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to the Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouth we read the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about this week.
Christina Kann 01:51
Chapter Five: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Harry makes it safely to the Weasleys' house, but the twins are anything but safe when Molly learns that they fed a Ton-Tongue Toffee to Dudley Dursley. She's mad all day until finally the family sits down for a nice dinner before going to bed early because they all have to get up early for the Quidditch World Cup tomorrow. Did I mention that we get to meet Bill and Charlie? Because we do.
Christina Kann 02:22
Welcome to the Restricted Section, where we firmly condemn entrepreneurship of any kind! If you don't work for the government, we're not proud of you! I am delighted to be joined by my amazing friend -- I didn't pre-choose adjectives -- Brooke! Say hello to the listeners, Brooke.
Brooke Matherly 02:39
Hello. I am in fact a government employee, so it all works out!
Christina Kann 02:45
And we are delighted to be joined as well by Mike today! Say hello to the listeners, Mike.
Hello! I am a proud unemployed American.
Christina Kann 02:53
That deadbeat husband of yours.
Brooke Matherly 02:57
That's alright. I like being a sugar mama. It's a power dynamic that works well for me.
It's pretty kinky.
Christina Kann 03:03
Mike, it's been a hot minute since you've been on the podcast. How have you been?
I've been great. You know, just living in this semi-post-apopcalyptic world that we call America in 2021. You know, just waiting for the zombies to show up. Right?
Brooke Matherly 03:18
I don't mean to fully call you you out, but it's good that there's a point to it. You accidentally misspoke and said "apopcalyptic," and that would be such a great album name for like a pop album.
So here's another thing. I've been married to an English major. So that in its own right is trauma.
Christina Kann 03:41
I though you were gonna make an "apoplectic" joke.
...And anyways, she's friends with other English majors.
Christina Kann 03:50
It means like so mad that you like can barely talk, right?
Brooke Matherly 03:54
I don't know. You've out-vocabed me on that one.
Christina Kann 03:57
What? Apoplectic. I'm googling it. And it means "overcome with anger or extremely indignant," and you often see it like "I'm apoplectic with rage."
Brooke Matherly 04:09
Folks, she nailed it.
Damn, things I thought I would be doing with my Wednesday night.
Christina Kann 04:16
So we are here today to talk about the Goblet of Fire, Chapter Five: Weasleys' (pause) Wizard (pause) Wheezes. Crushed it.
Brooke Matherly 04:27
There is simply no way to say this any faster than you just said it right there.
Christina Kann 04:31
Just say www! ... dot weasleys wizarding wheezes dot com
Brooke Matherly 04:38
I have like a Reese's Piecies / Reese's Pieces moment with this, where I always think that it's Weasleys' Wizard Wheezies instead of wheezes.
Christina Kann 04:49
What does this name even mean?
Brooke Matherly 04:51
I think -- wheezes being like you're wheezing with laughter.
Christina Kann 04:56
Brooke Matherly 04:57
So they're like wizarding jokes that will make you wheeze with laughter, and they're made by the aforementioned Weasleys.
Christina Kann 05:05
Right. I probably would have just called my company like Weasleys and left it at that because it's kind of cute by itself.
Brooke Matherly 05:12
But aren't they like an old magic family? Like, that's the thing, right? Like people would know.
Christina Kann 05:19
They could be a bank, or like a law firm. Weasley, Weasley, Weasley, and Weasley,
Brooke Matherly 05:24
Or a grocery store. Grocery stores be named everything.
Christina Kann 05:27
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Brooke Matherly 05:29
Like a Kroger is not inherently food-based.
Yeah, also, if you met somebody named Kroger, you want to just automatically be like, "Oh, of the Krogers."
Brooke Matherly 05:39
A grocery man, I see.
Christina Kann 05:42
A grocer indeed.
A fine American family, the Krogers.
Christina Kann 05:48
So the chapter starts with Harry flooing really hard into the Weasleys' kitchen. He's escaping the last chapter. He left Dudley with his tongue growing, Uncle Vernon throwing china, Aunt Petunia screaming in fear, and Arthur just trying to figure it out.
Brooke Matherly 06:09
I just love that as soon as he's out the fireplace, Fred's just like "DID HE EAT IT???" It's just like the most like boy prank moment of "Did it work?"
Christina Kann 06:23
Yeah, it definitely was premeditated, for sure, evidently. Fred explains that he and George invented these candies, and they've been looking for someone, anyone, to test them on.
Brooke Matherly 06:39
I'm surprised they didn't get any takers from within their family, to have your tongue grow up to a ton in weight out of your mouth.
Christina Kann 06:48
Yeah, maybe if I was like a parent, I would be like, "Okay, I can probably fix anything you might do to me," but like, maybe not though.
Brooke Matherly 06:57
But his parents are not supportive of this nonsense, right? It's not like when your daughter's like, "I want to be a hairdresser!" and you're like "Alright, you get to cut this section of hair." You know what I mean? Like, so that you can try it out or like you know, you let your three-year-old put makeup on you.
Christina Kann 07:17
Brooke Matherly 07:18
Yeah, if this goes wrong, we're dealing with new magic.
Christina Kann 07:25
Well, it's true it's true, but also they've been trying it on themselves, so I feel like that would help persuade me. If you've done it on yourself like six times, and it's worked fine every time, I might try it.
Brooke Matherly 07:34
Maybe probably. I like to think that -- okay, they've been obviously making these all summer, and they've been looking for someone to try it out on. Does that mean that the twins have just been like up in the kitchen? Like just baking up a storm of toffees?
Christina Kann 07:52
Interesting. That's a good question.
Brooke Matherly 07:54
You can't magic food, right? That's one of the rules.
Christina Kann 07:59
If you have the ingredients, you could -- they could like be magic thing it in their -- Oh, I don't think they're allowed to do magic. But actually, they might be able to. I don't remember
Brooke Matherly 08:10
Christina Kann 08:11
They're not old enough, but I think we've talked before about how maybe kids who have magical parents can do magic at home because how can they tell it's not the parents?
Brooke Matherly 08:20
Christina Kann 08:20
But they could be using like a cauldron or something in their bedroom.
Brooke Matherly 08:25
I mean, we do here later in the chapter that people have been hearing bangs coming from their room for quite some time.
Christina Kann 08:32
Yeah, indeed. I guess that's when the potion doesn't quite work.
Brooke Matherly 08:40
My headcanon: The reason that Molly is so upset by this is because she has been working with the twins all summer to perfect a toffee recipe that she thought she was passing down to them as an important family recipe, only to find that they've been enchanting it to cause nonsense.
Christina Kann 08:54
Oh my god that's like if my grandma gave me her beloved family brownie recipe and I was like "Alright, I'm gonna put some weed in it, though!" She'd be like, "That is not what this recipe was intended for."
Brooke Matherly 09:06
Christina Kann 09:09
My grandma used to give me $20 bills in college and say "Don't spend this on weed!" and I would feel like, "Well it's the only 20 I have on me, so I'm gonna spend it on weed for sure."
Brooke Matherly 09:18
You gave me cash! If you don't want it spent on weed, write a check!
Also, way to date yourself, cuz man, that's a simpler time. $20? Wow.
Christina Kann 09:32
I used to need a lot less weed to go on. Because of the post-apocalyptic America that we live in, as you mentioned previously.
Christina Kann 09:41
So let's talk about how Fred and George given this candy to Dudley is bullying. This kid hasn't done anything malicious in like three books, honestly.
Brooke Matherly 09:51
I mean yes, but also no. He's got a lasting legacy of shittiness.
Yeah, I gotta I gotta stop that because I think the fact is we've all been reading this book very slowly, chapter by chapter -- what are we going on? Over a year now? Whereas a lot of us, when we first consumed these books, chugged through like 2, 3, 4, some of us like five books, all literally in one magical go. So in a lot of ways across the whole psyche of many readers, you get this aspect of "No, fuck him. I still remember him for the first book. He's a piece of shit." Whereas if you were to read it very slowly, yeah, you would be kind of like, "Why are they--? Come on! It's been a couple years now, guys. Let it go."
Christina Kann 10:38
Yeah, especially Fred and George, because they've never even met the kid. They don't know how skewed Harry's storytelling might be. They're older and they're magical.
Brooke Matherly 10:48
But they're also just like down to clown at a moment's notice. That is their entire character type. Fred and George are 100% of the people that you can call at three am because you're in prison in Alabama. And they're just like, "All right, we're coming."
Christina Kann 11:03
For the record, I would come for you in prison in Alabama if you needed me to.
Brooke Matherly 11:07
Thank you so much. I intend to never get imprisoned in Alabama.
Christina Kann 11:10
Well, not in Alabama!
For the record, I would not one because -- yeah, there's a lot of reasons. Going back to the Weasley brothers, I think this chapter is probably a really actually important chapter. And I know it might get overlooked because it's so short, and it's kind of like, you know, a little bit of fluff. But I think one of the reasons why this chapter is so important is because, in a lot of ways, Goblet of Fire is the first real deal adult, serious Harry Potter book. And I think for a lot of fans, it is that key, pivotal moment, where it's like, "Okay, we went from fun little adventures on the side, to now a coherent plot that will follow through for the rest of the series. And I think JK Rowling uses the Weasley brothers in a lot of ways like Shakespeare -- me and Brooke just saw Henry the Fifth. And I was thinking back--
Christina Kann 12:02
Ooh, my second-favorite Henry!
Yeah. And I keep thinking back -- there's this reoccurring theme with the soldiers that are just goofing off. And when you watch it, you're kind of like, "What's the point of this?" But they add a lighthearted moment, and they add a fun little distraction. Because in this book, we're dealing, finally, with the serious ramifications of magic, magic law, magical powers, magic can kill now. Here we see people enjoying magic as a child would enjoy magic: for fun, for laughter, for jokes. And they constantly remind us of that, and I think that's why it's on full display here. Yeah, they're doing all these things, but it's harmless. Like, look what they did to the Dursleys. But it's like "Ah, it's okay." Whereas everything else in this book, we see magic being used, and it's permanent. It can be like, you get hurt. But with the Weasley brothers, you're kind of like, "Hey, that was a fun little ride. Don't do it again."
Christina Kann 13:07
Later in the book, they turn Neville into a canary suddenly.
Also, that's why I would have a threesome with them.
Christina Kann 13:12
Dude, you just feel like it'd be a good time. You feel like there'd be some jokin and even if there's something awkward that happened during it all, you know you could just laugh about it afterwards.
Brooke Matherly 13:22
I feel like friend George would play really upbeat music in the background and like dance when they're not directly involved, you know?
Christina Kann 13:28
Yeah, I think having a threesome with those two would be pretty fantastic.
Christina Kann 13:36
The twins definitely like house music, I think, for what it's worth.
Brooke Matherly 13:44
My number-one threesome pairing of the Weasley family gets introduced in this chapter.
Christina Kann 13:50
I was gonna say! Is this the best segue ever? Go ahead.
Brooke Matherly 13:54
Bill and Charlie are literally in the house!
Christina Kann 13:58
Yeah, they're in the house. Harry's never met them. Charlie is muscular and burned and hot, and Bill is tall and rock and roll and cool and hot.
Brooke Matherly 14:09
So here's the thing. The initial characterization that we get when we meet Charlie is probably some of my favorite character introduction that we get in this series. These are the two best introductions in the entire series.
Christina Kann 14:21
Yes! It paints such a picture for these characters that ultimately are pretty inconsequential.
Christina Kann 14:26
Brooke Matherly 14:26
The first time that Harry meets Charlie, he literally -- it's he holds out his hand to shake it, and it says that "Harry shook, feeling calluses and blisters under his fingers." To have that be the first thing you learn about a character, I'm just like, "Yes!" You get it immediately. This is a man that does hard shit. You know?
Brooke Matherly 14:28
You know, he's a little bit stockier. We get like the fact that, yeah, he's got recent burns on his hands. I do only just want to contest the fact that Bill -- to say that Bill is unmistakably cool is a very '90s conception of cool, because he is introduced as wearing a fang earing, his hair in a ponytail, and wearing dragonskin leather boots. I don't know how much rock and roll that is, as much as it is just like, Aerosmith, you know what I mean?
I always imagined him being Billy Idol except with red hair. You know? If you've ever seen press photos of Billy Idol, like '80s Billy Idol, you just expect him to be like, "With a Rebel Yell!"
Brooke Matherly 15:48
A single fang earring just reads as very Crocodile Dundee to me.
Christina Kann 15:52
I think he would rock it. I imagine him wearing almost like a -- Oh my God, I don't know the kind of jacket it is -- almost like a Victorian-era -- like a knee length dragon leather jacket or something very hip to tie the whole outfit together.
Brooke Matherly 16:10
See, I thought you were talking about a My Chemical Romance Black Parade jacket.
Christina Kann 16:14
Oh, yeah, like that! Just like that. Yeah. Um, so my notes that I wrote a long time ago encourage me to now initiate a detailed conversation about who you would fuck, and it reminds me to refer to our Twitter poll from July 28 and 29th of this year. So I went back in time on the Twitter. I asked on our Twitter: Who would you fuck? Bill or Charlie? And we got a whopping 23 votes. I think this is pretty much the hottest debate of this series, except for that it's so overwhelmingly skewed every time.
Brooke Matherly 16:52
Is it all Charlie?
Christina Kann 16:53
35% said Bill and 65% said Charlie.
Brooke Matherly 16:58
Here's the thing: Charlie is introduced as sexy, strong manly man, and Bill is introduced as a banker with an earring.
Christina Kann 17:11
That reminds me of my friend's stepdad has an earring that he got really recently, you know?
Brooke Matherly 17:16
Right. That's what I'm saying. You get a couple of teases about what it is he does, but it's like, "As long as I find treasure, it's fine." But you work for a bank. I grew up with a parent who worked for the bank and like, singular earrings and male ponytails are not the vibe of a bank.
Christina Kann 17:37
Yeah, I mean, I definitely would super consensually fuck Bill enthusiastically. But, as Haley said in a Twitter comment on our poll from July of 2021, which is this year, Haley said, "I mean, no hate to Bill. He's objectively hot. I just have a type and it's butch himbo nature boy." There's just something very like chaotic wilderness energy, you know?
Brooke Matherly 18:04
Christina Kann 18:05
Almost like a puckish figure. He dances with dragons!
Brooke Matherly 18:08
I see that.
Nah, dude. Do the twins.
Christina Kann 18:12
I'm not gonna do both the twins!
Well, that's just because you're not adventurous. Do the twins.
Christina Kann 18:19
The twins are gigantic though. Not their penises. They're just tall. Those actors are like 6'3" at least. They're very tall.
Like I said, you know, take a fun ride, enjoy it. I'm not saying date them. Hell, I'm not even saying go on a date with them. I'm just saying text them late at night, "Hey, you up?" and just you know, go over there and just have some fun.
Brooke Matherly 18:41
I'm so afraid that I would reach out in the dark to grab a penis and it would turn into a mouse to startle me.
And that's the fun of it. That's kind of the fun of it. You don't know if they're laughing at you or laughing with you.
Brooke Matherly 18:56
But I do know that they're laughing inside me.
Christina Kann 19:02
Oh, I how do I transition from this into like, disciplining your children?
Brooke Matherly 19:08
That's the thing: Mr. Weasley comes in so hot, like, "I am going to be a disciplinarian in this moment."
Christina Kann 19:14
It's so funny to me -- Here's the thing. If Sean and I had seven children, we would be these people. And sometimes, we're interacting with the cats, and I'm like, "This is why we can't have kids." And it's things like this, where Arthur obviously wasn't going to tell Mrs. Weasley, who's been on this mission all summer of trying to set her kids on track. He's like one of the kids who's like, "Now we all know your mother is a hardass. So I'm not gonna tell her." I think part of the problem is that the kids think it's hilarious and they're roaring with laughter, and Arthur is like, "I just had to deal with so many, so many things before I left that house."
Brooke Matherly 19:56
I mean, he brings up the fact that he's mostly upset because of the mistreatment of Muggles issue.
Christina Kann 20:01
Brooke Matherly 20:02
This speaks to his like only hobby as a wizard. He's like, "I had a moment finally in a Muggle household to just be there with their Muggle things. I was looking at outlets. I was having the grandest of times, even though we had to do all this crazy shit to get Harry out. This was a moment for me, and you decided to unprovoked attack a Muggle in my goddamned presence."
Christina Kann 20:29
They insist that they gave this candy to him, not because he's a Muggle, but because he's "a great bullying git," which is not completely untrue, nut he just wasn't doing anything this summer. He was very scared already. Anyway, Arthur's like, "You wait till I tell your mother," and then Molly immediately enters the room.
Brooke Matherly 20:48
Like "Tell me what?" And Arthur's immediately like, "I was not intending to tell you anything."
"Yeah, this was a hollow threat at best."
Christina Kann 20:58
"I don't know where to go from here."
Brooke Matherly 21:03
"Tell you what, I'll tell you what. Harry and the twins are having a real lark, and you just can't -- you can't dance like that in the middle of a floo powder session."
"I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. The twins definitely weren't railin' some chick, that's for sure."
Christina Kann 21:21
See, Arthur is a bad liar. We have no evidence for this. But he definitely is.
Brooke Matherly 21:29
He has the demeanor of a bad liar.
Christina Kann 21:32
Yeah, he's just too good. Sean's the same way. Sean is a terrible liar. He just can't fake it. I just want to make a note of this and then we'll move swiftly on. A lot of the last two chapters we spent harping on how grotesquely obese and like waddling Dudley Dursley was, and Molly Weasly is also fat, and she gets described as "plump" because she's a good person.
Brooke Matherly 22:02
She gets the Santa Claus treatment.
Christina Kann 22:04
She gets the Santa Clause treatment! She's like joyfully plum.
Brooke Matherly 22:11
Plump and jolly.
Look, she definitely doesn't suffer from diabetes. She's just living her best life.
Brooke Matherly 22:19
They're ostensibly superduper poor, but if they're super duper poor, she sews her own clothes, she's overweight and harried. She's got seven kids to keep track of and two of them are barely graduating from school. But you know what, like, she's a really nice person. She's so happy though.
Christina Kann 22:38
Right. It's immediately clear that Mr. Weasley was not actually going to tell Molly, as we mentioned. Enter Hermione and Ginny. They're just standing there; everyone's just standing there, and then the Molly-Arthur-twins thing really escalates very quickly.
Brooke Matherly 23:02
Movie Hermione would never pick up on the social cues inherent to this conversation and be like, "Hey, Ron, Harry, welcome. We should go check out where Harry is going to be staying so he can put his bags down." And Ron's like, "Huh?" and she's like, "We should go now." Movie Hermione would just be like, "I don't understand human interaction is this book?" You know what I mean?
Christina Kann 23:27
It's even more subtle. She's like, "We can all go," Hermione said pointedly. There is a lot more subtlety of dialogue here, I think, because just writing that someone does something pointedly is a lot easier than getting a 14-year-old actress to say something very pointedly.
Yeah, I think the big key point is you have a dialogue that's written by an adult versus a dialogue that has to be acted out by a child. And at the end of the day, there's always going to be limitations to that.
Christina Kann 23:57
Yeah, totally. So Harry Ron, Hermione, and Ginny leave. They're walking up -- There's like a whole, like West Wing like, montage -- not montage, but like -- what am I trying to say? The one shots of them walking down the hall--
Brooke Matherly 24:15
A walk and talk?
Christina Kann 24:15
A walk and talk! But it's just up the stairs, up those seven flights of stairs or whatever. Ron's explaining to Harry what is Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. We learned that Molly found some order forms in the twins' room. They are obviously going to want to start selling these at Hogwarts next year. They have loads of trick wizard shit. But obviously it is kind of dangerous. So Molly put her foot down and burned their order forms.
Brooke Matherly 24:49
The most ridiculous part of this is the fact that Molly's so against it. Dude, your kids have an entrepreneurial spirit. They've actually created products that are well above what they should be able to do at this point in their lives. And they have successfully already taken orders -- they've sold them already. They're doing it. They've got a frickin Etsy shop.
Imagine if Bill Gates, who started his company -- was it Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? One of them started their company in the garage. Imagine if their parents had come in and be like, "Get your shit out of my garage! I need to park our car."
Brooke Matherly 25:23
"That's a lot of electric wires. That looks dangerous."
Christina Kann 25:29
Yeah. Molly was already mad because the twins didn't get as many OWLs as she expected. How did the fuck do OWLs work? How do you get one? What does that mean?
Brooke Matherly 25:40
I think if you pass it, you get it.
Christina Kann 25:43
That's such a weird way to phrase it.
Brooke Matherly 25:45
I think they're all done on a pass-fail system.
Christina Kann 25:48
I don't know, I think it's supposed to harken to a lot of standardized testing. Don't forget, in England, their school system is much more stricter. So I forgot what we had in school -- I think it was called like the Topeka or something like that.
Christina Kann 26:07
Yeah, it was like a standardized test, and they gave it some dumb name. But I think it's supposed to be like that. It's like, "Oh, you're supposed to get your standardized mark." So like, the concept was there's a standardized test, and if you don't do well on them, that's bad.
Brooke Matherly 26:24
They are individual examinations in a variety of things. I think to get an OWL means that you passed that particular examination, because they take a lot of them. They take like seven.
Christina Kann 26:33
But what does that mean? For their school career? Can they not continue taking classes in a subject if they don't get an OWL in it the previous year?
Brooke Matherly 26:45
I think so. I think that it like tests you into upper levels of things. If you took a French language proficiency test, and they were like, "You don't get to go to Advanced French, because you cannot write a whole essay in French, and that's a required skill for the upper level."
I think that's a very, like I said, a very European mindset. You know, Europeans, their education is very structured. And then as you go further up, it becomes much more narrow, whereas American education is very broad, very much a liberal arts kind of get your tastes in everything. And I think maybe it's kind of a concept that as an adult, if you didn't get OWLs in that, they're like, "Well, you can't open up this store. You can't practice this kind of magic, because you didn't do good in transfiguration. Therefore, you cannot practice transfiguration."
Brooke Matherly 27:32
Well, I don't know that it's that you can't ever do it, but I think it just disqualifies you. With the UK university system, there undergraduate degrees are only three years long, because you do your first year of your undergraduate degree in high school, like our version of high school, because you've already tested into a university track or a non-university track.
Christina Kann 27:55
Brooke Matherly 27:56
And then you've already picked a specialization by that point. So you already know. So I think this is meant to kind of roughly approximate that system. I think you take OWLs in a large number of subjects and you take fewer NEWTs later on.
Christina Kann 28:13
Yeah, I think that in book five before his OWLs, Harry does career guidance with McGonagall. And that's pretty much what that is.
When she wrote this book, I don't think she ever really imagined a worldwide audience. I think she was just hopeful like, "Maybe this will take off in England and some other Commonwealth countries." So I think there are things that are intentionally added -- maybe not even by her maybe later by our editors -- where they were like, "Kids will relate to this better if we have these generic concepts that are similar, but not too similar, to what most kids go through in school."
Christina Kann 28:53
Yeah, that makes sense. The Weasley twins told Molly that all they want to do after school is open a joke shop. Molly wants them to go into the government. It's just so funny because like, obviously not with this much chaos. They're not going into the government! She's in denial, I think.
Brooke Matherly 29:11
Well, we've also talked about the fact that there are ostensibly three career tracks in the entirety of the wizarding world.
Christina Kann 29:16
And they're not going to be teachers!
Brooke Matherly 29:18
Yeah, it's teachers government or entrepreneurship. They are too chaotic for teacher or government. This is the only option left to them. What are they supposed to do otherwise, Molly?
Christina Kann 29:26
Yeah, exactly. So they are still walking up the stairs. They meet Percy on the landing. He comes out of his room in a huff and asks them to shut up from "thundering up and down the stairs."
Brooke Matherly 29:42
Okay, so he has this weird conversation with them about standardizing cauldron bottoms, because he's saying foreign imports have been a little bit on the thin side and it's causing extra leakage. Is this an intentional "made in China" joke? Is that what we're to take here? The classic thing of "Made in China isn't exactly a mark of quality there!" You know what I mean? Is that what this is alluding to?
If you think about it from a geopolitical standpoint -- once again going back to the brilliance of JK Rowling -- she foresaw a lot of the trade issues that would become issues--
Christina Kann 30:25
Mike has a knife in his hand. I just want everyone to know.
--and America and the current destabilization of the supply chain. Really, I think she foresaw that, and I think what she's trying to really hint at and warn her readers is that, you know, Tesla stock and Bitcoin is definitely going to roll in, and if you're not doging on the Robin Hood -- so I think that's really what she was trying to get at.
Christina Kann 30:55
Yeah, we can look for some more throughout the rest of the chapter. Percy's just bragging about work.
Brooke Matherly 31:04
Okay, did Percy graduate? Is that what happened?
Christina Kann 31:06
Yeah, last year.
Brooke Matherly 31:07
This is his like job job.
Christina Kann 31:09
Yes. His job job. Cuz he was Head Boy last year.
Brooke Matherly 31:12
I'm kind of shocked that he didn't try harder to move out.
Dude, what? 18 year old --? I'm sorry, man. I was a 19-year-old like waiting tables at Olive Garden. What 18-year-old is just sitting there being like *pretentious noises* like, come on, man.
Brooke Matherly 31:29
I could see Percy being like, "From a logical perspective, I save a lot of money by staying at home with my parents." But clearly he's not happy here. He's like, "There's so much chaos all around me." Yeah, there's always gonna be, dude.
Christina Kann 31:40
Yeah, maybe he's waiting to see how it is when the kids go to school for the year, though.
Brooke Matherly 31:45
Also maybe the wizarding housing market is pretty stifled.
Christina Kann 31:50
Yeah, where is he gonna move to like live near other--? I guess London because that's where the Ministry is.
Once again going back to like English culture and European culture in general, that's very very common.
Christina Kann 32:02
What, wizards moving out of the house?
Brooke Matherly 32:06
No actually, wizards staying home.
Christina Kann 32:08
I see I see.
In Europe, it's very common, if you're 20, 21, 22, to be living at home. In fact, it's kind of expected. So I think it's not odd really to be like, "I have a job. I'm stable. I have what many Americans would view as the impetus to move out, but I'm not going to because housing is hard to get and commuting is very difficult, I'm gonna save money, so I live at home with my parents."
Brooke Matherly 32:40
it's similar to the northeast of the US. A lot of my friends that I know that live in New Jersey and Long Island and New York, they live with their parents for longer because their parents are just like, "This makes more sense. You can't really actually afford to live on your own. Just live here for a little bit longer until you can save up enough money that you can get an apartment on your own." I don't know. It just struck me as particularly weird for Percy because he clearly hates being in this environment so much.
Christina Kann 33:10
Yeah. And also they live in fuckin Ottery St. Catchpole, which is not the place to live to be thriving as a young adult and moving your career ahead in the world.
Brooke Matherly 33:22
I think he would want to be around other like other wizards--
Christina Kann 33:27
Brooke Matherly 33:27
--in a more thriving environment so that he could network and rub elbows with people, you know what I mean?
Christina Kann 33:32
Yeah, it's true. So Ron and Percy fight, and Percy slams the door and Ron stomps up the stairs. And finally they make it all the way up to Ron's room at the top of the house. There's actually a really, really adorable illustration of it in my Jim Kay illustrated edition that I'm going to post on Instagram today, of Ron's little room. I love it so much. It's very orange, but the illustration makes it look kind of lovely, you know? And "Ron's old rat, Scabbers, was here no more." Okay, sure. We don't have time to go into that backstory.
Brooke Matherly 34:07
I have a real question, because there's a big debate in this moment. And I want to know from our listeners, and we'll put a poll up on the Twitter. Pigwidgeon as an owl name: cute or catastrophic?
Christina Kann 34:21
But also Pig!
Brooke Matherly 34:23
I like Pig as a nickname. I'm actually with Ron on this. I think Pig is a cuter nickname than Pigwidgeon is as a full name.
It also just sounds cool. "Here piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, souieeeeee!"
Brooke Matherly 34:35
I don't think they sooie at their pigs there, do they?
You know, that's a great question.
Christina Kann 34:41
Definitely not at their Pigwidgeons.
If we have any English farmers listening, please comment.
Brooke Matherly 34:47
Stop threatening me with that knife.
I don't know what you're talking about. It's my magical wand. It's my it's my pointy death wand.
Brooke Matherly 34:53
Michael calls it his magical wand because when you're waving a knife at someone, they tend to do what you want them to.
It's pretty BA. But anyway, sooie.
Brooke Matherly 35:06
But Pigwidgeon. As a whole name, I think it's catastrophic. I think that's terrible.
Christina Kann 35:11
Okay. Well you can vote in the Twitter poll.
Brooke Matherly 35:14
Christina Kann 35:16
There's usually two beds in this room for no reason because Ron sleeps in it by himself -- but right now there's four beds because Charlie and Bill are sleeping in the twins' room so the twins are sleeping in with Harry and Ron, which is ... the injustice. So Charlie lives in Romania; where does Bill live?
Brooke Matherly 35:33
I think Bill has a cool bachelor pad.
Christina Kann 35:37
In like London or something.
Brooke Matherly 35:38
I'm gonna put this out strong: I think Bill has found a bachelor pad loft with an observatory.
Christina Kann 35:44
Brooke Matherly 35:45
I feel like that's his vibe.
Christina Kann 35:46
So specific. I like that. I'd fuck there! Anyway, so they just like sit around and chat a bit. Ron's talking about how Percy is so obsessed with his job and his boss, Mr. Crouch. Hmm? That'll never come up again.
Brooke Matherly 36:05
I don't know when this chapter takes place, but I'm shocked that it's not April because this is a little Easter egg hunt. There are little Easter eggs all over this chapter.
Brooke Matherly 36:20
Because we get the Mr. Crouch tease.
Christina Kann 36:22
Right. Bagman later.
Brooke Matherly 36:24
We're going to get to our girl Bertha Jorkins.
Christina Kann 36:28
Yeah, Bertha Jorkins!
Brooke Matherly 36:30
We also tease the suspicious secret event coming up later that we're all preparing for which is obviously the triwizard tournament.
Christina Kann 36:40
Yeah, definitely. This whole chapter is just setup, and it also feels like the whole last chapter was just setup, and last chapter we were talking about how the chapter before that was all setup. Should have been some condensing of chapters round this part of this book.
Brooke Matherly 36:53
Like a good flan, we are at this point fully set.
Christina Kann 36:59
And the next chapter is also kind of setup. And the chapter after THAT is when stuff starts to really happen, I think!
Brooke Matherly 37:05
It takes a while for everything to cure.
Christina Kann 37:08
It takes 130 pages to get to Hogwarts.
Brooke Matherly 37:13
We haven't had that kind of a wait since the first book.
Christina Kann 37:16
You're right. The first book there was a lot of buildup in the beginning.
Yeah, but because there was so much buildup in the first book, and because it was so frustrating, it's literally left the vibe that still sticks and to all subsequent books, where Harry's afraid of being stuck with the Dursleys. And even now we hate Dudley. So that buildup still pays dividends even now. Wait, so wait, I can't remember. Goblet of Fire -- by this point, this is the longest of all the novels, right?
Christina Kann 37:48
Yeah. Oh, for sure.
Yeah. Actually, I remember when this one came out, and I was like, "Holy thickness!"
Brooke Matherly 37:56
That's also what he says to me every night.
Christina Kann 38:00
I do like 'em thicc. Yeah, so once the yelling in the kitchens appears to subside from basically the attic where they are, they go back downstairs to help with dinner. Molly is angry cooking, which -- I've been there, girl.
Brooke Matherly 38:16
Dude, same. Angry cooking is second only to angry dish cleaning.
My mom used to angry cook, and she would make amazing dishes. So as kids, we would intentionally piss her off, just do outlandish things to make her cook. So I knew that if I got in trouble at school, and I came home, I was like, "Man, I'm gonna get my ass whooped. But we might have crab legs tonight!"
Brooke Matherly 38:45
Michael is an amalgamation of Fred and George.
Christina Kann 38:49
That is so funny. So because she's mad, she's being careless -- also been there -- so everything's going wrong -- also been there. The potatoes are shooting around the kitchen and everything's exploding and she's slamming stuff. It's a shit show. She's just in her own little world right now. She's having a livid, vivid monologue that just absolutely no one needs to -- she wants no one to engage with her. She's just on a roll.
Brooke Matherly 39:24
Clearly this is coming from a good place. She's just very, very worried about her kids. This is another big difference: Molly in the books isn't just like a vapid, overly supportive, quirky Mom, you know? In the movies, she comes off as "not like the other moms," basically.
Christina Kann 39:48
Brooke Matherly 39:48
Where she's just like there for them all the time. Like, "Whatever you want to do. Follow your dreams. I'm here to support you." And in the book, she's just like a real mom, where she's like, "I want you to do well. I don't want you guys to end up unemployed and sad. I would like to see you do something with your lives."
"I don't want you to be overweight, unemployed, and sad--"
Brooke Matherly 40:11
"--looking after seven kids alone in the countryside, and you never really did anything with your life."
And she just pops like seven Zolofts offs.
Christina Kann 40:21
Here's a question: she has rage. We see her rage at different times. And I think we can all agree that her family and her husband are a little afraid of her emotional reactions to things. Is she maybe like a little emotionally abusive, or manipulative?
Brooke Matherly 40:44
I don't think she's emotionally abusive or manipulative. I think she's just the glue that holds the family together, and everyone is aware of that. So if she needs to be catered to, then she needs to be catered to.
Christina Kann 40:59
Brooke Matherly 41:00
Because if Molly gets too frustrated and walks out, no one makes dinner, no one makes clothes, no one gets school supplies. The house doesn't get clean, everything falls the fuck apart.
Christina Kann 41:11
As a man who lives in constant fear of his spouse, I can sympathize a lot with their captiveness and how they're being held hostage by their mom, who is a violent, emotionally manipulative human being--
Christina Kann 41:28
I see your perspective.
--who has monopolized basic chores within the house and use it as punishment to withhold.
Brooke Matherly 41:38
Yeah, I'm punishing you by withholding your abilitiy to do chores.
Whoa! No, nobody was comparing this to our relationship. Why would you make that correlation jump? But now that we're here, let's talk about that.
Christina Kann 41:48
Mike, put the knife down.
Brooke Matherly 41:49
Yeah, you still got a knife in your hands!
Yes, and you have one at my heart.
Christina Kann 41:59
The boys run outside for safety, and Charlie and Bill are having a table fight. That's the cutest thing about them both, is that they're like "This is a fun idea."
Brooke Matherly 42:14
It's actual chaos. They don't stop until one of the tables breaks, and then they just magically glue it back together. I don't understand how Molly's so caught up with, what? A toffee that made someone's tongue grow real big? And then she does in the kitchen grab a fake one that turns into a mouse.
Christina Kann 42:33
Yes, that was probably very infuriating, bad timing.
Brooke Matherly 42:36
Yep, but meanwhile, her other two sons are fighting with her furniture outside. She's just like, "Oh, but that's Bill and Charlie."
Christina Kann 42:46
Once you've proven yourself and left the house, you get to just be whoever you want to be.
Brooke Matherly 42:51
You get free reign.
Christina Kann 42:56
Percy, however, screams at Charlie and Bill out of the window to keep it down.
Brooke Matherly 43:01
I love that he screams at them, and Bill, without skipping a beat, is like, "How's the cauldron bottoms coming on, buddy?" I love watching the Weasley kids interact with each other because they are just the most siblingy siblings to ever sibling.
Christina Kann 43:20
Yeah, and we've wondered aloud on this podcast a lot about the dynamic of the Bill-Charlie-Percy relationship before other children were born, you know? Because Percy does seem to not really fit in anywhere, but for a while it was just the three of them.
Brooke Matherly 43:39
There does seem to be a real divide in the family.
Christina Kann 43:43
The twins are like a hard wall.
Brooke Matherly 43:45
Yeah, because the twins are just so much.
Christina Kann 43:50
Yeah, it's amazing they have kids after the twins.
Brooke Matherly 43:54
Well, the twins are how much older than Ron? Like three years older than Ron?
Christina Kann 43:58
They're two years older.
Brooke Matherly 44:00
Gosh, that's late. I mean, I guess not. They would have been like one-ish when Molly got pregnant again. And like I could see, "Alright, they're one. They haven't really started developing outlandishly." They're not particularly mobile at that point. And then like by the time you have Ron, you're like, "Oh, no, what have I done?"
Christina Kann 44:23
And then you're like, "Please, please just give me a daughter. I'll do anything!" and you have that one last Hail Mary baby, and you get Ginny! Which in the movies is a burden, but in the books it's a great bounty.
Also, I'm just gonna say this: wizarding condoms aren't all they're made up to be. They still use goatskin.
Brooke Matherly 44:41
We've talked about this before on the podcast. What is wizarding birth control? Surely they have very effective forms. I refuse to believe anything otherwise.
Christina Kann 44:51
Potions! Just an easy potion. It tastes like Lacroix.
Yeah, they have seven flights of stairs in their house. That's what they have. I don't really think they're mixing the potions on Planned Parenthood in the wizarding world.
Brooke Matherly 45:15
Michael, Michael. Put the knife down.
Christina Kann 45:22
All right, I'm taking the reigns. Let's all sit down for a nice family dinner and be polite. Please take off your hat.
Brooke Matherly 45:29
This meal sounds delicious.
Christina Kann 45:31
Yeah, for sure.
Brooke Matherly 45:34
We get chicken and ham pie -- which, yum -- and then boiled potatoes -- which I'm assuming are seasoned to some point -- and then a nice salad. This is an ideal meal to me.
Christina Kann 45:46
And then dessert is... "They had their pudding, homemade strawberry ice cream." I know that that's your kryptonite, strawberries.
Brooke Matherly 45:55
I don't like strawberries.
Christina Kann 45:57
It still sounds delightful. Imagine it was a different kind of berry.
Brooke Matherly 45:59
Homemade raspberry ice cream, I could fux with. Blackberry for sure. I don't like strawberries. I find their flavor to be offputting. But I'm alone in that.
Christina Kann 46:09
It's your only character flaw.
Brooke Matherly 46:11
I am as alone and not liking strawberries as Haley is alone in not liking cheese. I accept that I'm the only person in the world.
One of the things I did like about this scene was the subtlety of having Paul Hollywood show up and give a handshake to Mrs. Weasley.
Christina Kann 46:29
Is the new season out yet, or have you guys only just been seeing all of the ads on social media like I have?
Brooke Matherly 46:35
I've just been seeing all the all of the ads.
Christina Kann 46:38
They posted on Instagram today themselves doing a parody of Achey Breaky Heart -- like, I can't. I can't with with that at all.
Brooke Matherly 46:50
Oh, dear lord.
Christina Kann 46:52
But that actually is exactly the vibe that's happening right now, Great British Bake Off. Definitely Fleur and Bill's wedding in the Weasley backyard in the last book with the big tent, you know?
Brooke Matherly 47:04
I really like the exchange about work that happens here between Percy and Mr. Weasley, because this is exactly how my father and I talk to each other about our jobs. My father and I are in different but related industries.
It's super exciting visiting her inlaws.
Brooke Matherly 47:21
My dad and I are in different but related industries, adjacent industries. And when we talk, we talk exactly like this, where I'm always really fiery, because I've just been in it less time. My dad very patiently is like, "You know, there's wisdom in a lot of people you'll meet, even if you don't like working with them." You can tell Mr. Weasley is proud of his boy, but he's also trying to impart a little bit of like--
Christina Kann 47:52
He's like, "Hey, chill out."
Brooke Matherly 47:54
Well, and it's also government, and anything in government is also politics. You can't just be like burning half the people in the Ministry and still expect to do well.
Christina Kann 48:06
That's a good point. Yeah, they talk about Ludo Bagman because Mr. Crouch doesn't like Bagman, but Mr. Weasley says mildly that he likes the dude. It just is so funny to me. Ludo Bagman got the Weasleys their tickets to the Quidditch World Cup, which is an excellent favor, if you ask me, because that sporting event is dope, and I don't even like sports.
Brooke Matherly 48:30
For the low low price of Mr. Weasley not investigating his brother, who definitely tampered with a Muggle object.
Have we talked about government bribery?
Brooke Matherly 48:42
That's literally what happened. Mr. Weasley straight up took a bribe to not pursue legal action against this dude's brother. That's how they're going to the Cup right now.
Christina Kann 48:58
That's so funny. I didn't even clock that. Yeah, that's pretty par for the course, I think.
What if Voldemort, in a different world, was kind of bad because his methods aren't good. But like he's also like, "Hey, I have a political like foundation, and I believe that the current government's corrupt, and I'm gonna end it." And you're kind of like, "Oh, okay, well I don't agree with how you're doing it, but he is kind of right." Hmm.
Brooke Matherly 49:28
Another thing that's like very government to me that gets mentioned in this, is they mentioned that Bertha is not good at any job. But instead of firing her, they've just been moving her department to department for years. It's just very government to be like, "Yeah, we can't fire them. Maybe they'll do better over here."
Christina Kann 49:48
I love her so much. I love just a dumb bitch who's so happy and trying her best. That's my favorite kind of person. Yeah, they're talking about Bertha. She's missing. Percy's like, "Mr. Crouch would never do this," and then he's like, "There's this big event coming up. You know the one, Father."
Brooke Matherly 50:12
The top secret big event thing that we're working on that no one knows about. But actual question: is the Triwizard Tournament a surprise? Doesn't it occur on a schedule?
Christina Kann 50:25
I think they had to take a break because people got hurt -- or died. I think in the last one people died. So they took like, a 100 year break or something.
Sorry, that's just the most wizarding thing to be like, "These kids died. Should we maybe import safety measures? No, let's just take a hundred-year break and forget about this."
Christina Kann 50:50
Well, maybe it was like a 15 year break. I don't know.
They're like, "We'll just forget about it and repeat the past. Sounds pretty good to me!"
Christina Kann 50:59
We've figured out a way for people to probably not die this time.
Brooke Matherly 51:02
They just wanted to hit a point where people are like, "Remember that fun tournament we used to do when we were in school? I can't remember where they stopped doing that."
Christina Kann 51:13
My question is why they would -- logistically, from a governmental, administrative standpoint -- why would you choose to do to host the Quidditch World Cup and host the Triwizard Tournament in the same year within a couple months of each other?
This is actually terribly interesting, and it was actually answered in some fanfiction. There is this contest that's held every year in Europe called the Eurovision, and you see, the wizarding English team won that year. I believe it's on Netflix.
Brooke Matherly 51:49
You mean Iceland? Don't disrespect Fire Saga. I love that movie. That movie got me through some dark times.
What if the wizarding world had their own version of Eurovision? And they're like, "Whoever wins Eurovision this year gets to host that tournament where the kids die?" Like fuck yeah.
Brooke Matherly 52:13
I mean, maybe that's the thing. Do they just like randomly select other schools every time?
It's only three schools, man.
Christina Kann 52:19
It is three schools.
Brooke Matherly 52:22
They go on to talk about the World Cup. And they're mentioning all of the teams that played in the, I suppose, runoffs or playoffs? And it's like, fully global. We get Ireland obvi, Bulgaria obvi, but we also get Peru, Luxenborg, Wales, Scotland, and Uganda.
Christina Kann 52:45
I thought we were talking about the Triwizard Tournament.
Brooke Matherly 52:49
Well, that's what I'm saying. Maybe the Triwizard Tournament just like bounces around the world with different sets of combinations of schools going on, Is it always the same three?
Christina Kann 52:57
I think so.
Yeah. I think it's supposed to be like kind of like--
Christina Kann 53:01
The European magical schools.
Yeah, well, like Harvard versus Yale kind of thing. These three schools have this ongoing rivalry and it's kind of known.
Brooke Matherly 53:11
And we let them kill each other recreationally?
Christina Kann 53:13
No, but that's the point is we think we figured out how they can probably not maybe kill each other.
Brooke Matherly 53:19
Probably no one will die.
We don't really know because we haven't held this tournament at 100 years, so we're not really sure, but fuck it. Let's do it.
Brooke Matherly 53:26
The Hogwarts promise: probably no one will die.
You're sending your kid, and along with the first letter you get is another owl with a whole book of just forms you have to sign.
Christina Kann 53:38
Just waivers upon waiver. The kid just gets this nice little letter, but the parents are running around with stacks of paper. And one of them, because it's wizard, they're like, "Hey, you've got to sign this with your blood. It's got to be under a full moon." You're like, "What? Why?" and they're like, "Your kid might die!"
Christina Kann 53:57
Bold of you to assume that anyone in the wizarding world would value actual paperwork. It's cute -- during this part of the chapter, we're just getting little snippets of conversation. It's a little bit tedious. We could be doing other things right now. But we get Mrs. Weasley arguing with Bill about his earring. "No one at the bank gives a damn how I dress as long as I bring home plenty of treasure," is his answer. I have a couple of questions. Is Bill a pirate? Is Bill bringing home treasure ethically? Is it possible for anyone who is a resident of Britain to bring home treasure ethically?
Brooke Matherly 54:33
I think there's probably a 0% chance that this is fully ethical. But if we were to take a potentially ethical spin to it, I think there is a case to be made that maybe he tracks down stolen items. You know what I mean?
Christina Kann 54:49
Like a spy.
Brooke Matherly 54:51
Yeah, basically. If Gringotts was making a cash transfer done in ye olden day style, where they put it in a suitcase that gets chained to someone's wrist right. And they're like, "They killed our messenger and they stole 2000 gold. Go find it." I could see that.
Christina Kann 55:09
Brooke Matherly 55:10
Galleons. There can be gold galleons. I could see it being like that kind of scenario where he tracks down--
Christina Kann 55:22
Let's say that that's what he's doing.
Brooke Matherly 55:25
Misappropriated, stolen, or otherwise -- I think people can report -- because they don't have a credit card, so if someone steals your shit, you can't just like turn it off and get the money credited back to you. I think Bill's the back end of that.
Christina Kann 55:38
Okay, all right. I like that interpretation. Also, he might be a pirate.
Brooke Matherly 55:43
Maybe pirate. I do like that this is the most mom conversation in the world. I -- and Tina, I know you've done the same on multiple occasions -- dyeing your hair funny colors gives you the exact same response from your parents. Where they're like, "Your hair is rainbow. How can anyone respect you? Did they stop paying you a salary the minute that you did this?"
Christina Kann 56:03
Brooke Matherly 56:04
And you're like, "Nope, believe it or not, I talked to the CEO like this, and he doesn't care."
Christina Kann 56:08
Right. I am in fact the same person I was before.
Brooke Matherly 56:11
Yep, shockingly, not a single person I've ever been on a job with has been like, "Dear God, you have a tattoo. Leave and never return."
Christina Kann 56:20
Right! Leave and never return.
Also, this is like the '90s, so it's kind of like wickedly Gen X.
Brooke Matherly 56:27
To be like, "I have a dragon earring."
Brooke Matherly 56:32
To be fair, he has a fang hearing. We don't know what the fang is from.
I always assumed it was a dragon.
Brooke Matherly 56:37
But it is -- Easter eggy chapter -- and what does Bill get bit by later?
Christina Kann 56:45
Brooke Matherly 56:47
Maybe it's a werewolf fang.
Christina Kann 56:48
Brooke Matherly 56:50
From the moment he enters this series, he's tagged as a beast inside.
Christina Kann 56:54
Oh, wow. They left their mark on him! Interesting. Okay.
Brooke Matherly 57:00
Um, I have one last question.
Christina Kann 57:02
Brooke Matherly 57:03
About their Quidditch conversation. How did they know? Are they reading about these in the paper? They don't have TVs; they don't have radios. Are they reading about these matches in the paper? Or are they attending them? They're all over the world.
Christina Kann 57:17
Do you remember how in Hello from the Magic Tavern, they have all the different ways that you can tune in to watch Mittens? Including -- isn't there one that's like slaughtering a cow and like watching in its blood?
Brooke Matherly 57:29
Slaughter a horse and watching in its blood, yep.
Christina Kann 57:34
In this case, I have no idea.
Brooke Matherly 57:36
I'm assuming it's just the paper but like--
Christina Kann 57:39
That's not very exciting.
Brooke Matherly 57:41
It's not. They're enthusiastically talking about like, "Oh, they edged them out in the last minute," or "Well, Krum's a decent player, but Ireland's got seven." How do you know? How many games have you seen of Bulgarian Quidditch? How are you to know any of this? How does Ron even keep up with the Chudley Cannons?
Christina Kann 58:04
Yeah, I don't know if he like -- I mean, it just seems so distant from how we receive news like this, that a kid would go to his mom or dad and be like, "Hey, did the Cannons win last night?" and then have the answer be enough. But like, these are country, old-fashioned kids.
Brooke Matherly 58:24
It's baffling to me because I just don't understand how you could be a devoted fan of a sport that you cannot see ever.
This is literally the most millennial conversation I've ever heard.
Christina Kann 58:38
Maybe maybe Arthur can get other free tickets to local games from work, but this is the World Cup so they bring Harry.
Yeah, he doesn't go to many games. That's what makes us special. But he follows the team, reads it in the newspaper, sees it, and talks to people, and they tell him. It's a very millennial mindset to be like, "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist. How doI know you went to Belize? It's not on your Instagram!"
Brooke Matherly 59:12
Even in the '20s, they listened to baseball games on the fucking radio. They don't even have that!
Christina Kann 59:16
How do you get emotionally engaged in something you can't actually experience?
Brooke Matherly 59:20
So that's why you go to the game.
Brooke Matherly 59:25
But these games are happening in Uganda and Peru. Right?
Okay. Okay. Hold on. We are reading a book about people who literally just transported through a fucking fireplace and you literally just asked, "How do they get to these places?"
Brooke Matherly 59:39
Does Floo powder work internationally?
Christina Kann 59:42
I think it would have to.
"How do the people on the broomies with the magical powers--?"
Brooke Matherly 59:47
It just seems like it would be too much.
"How did the school from -- Oh, they took their magical boat under the water and it just appeared?"
Christina Kann 59:55
Both perspectives are valid.
Brooke Matherly 59:57
Would have to dump a whole satchet of Floo powder to get all the way to Peru?
"How did that one school with the magical flying cart -- Oh that's right! They just flew there!"
Brooke Matherly 1:00:08
I am never going to be satisfied, even in this series, for an answer being "because magic."
Christina Kann 1:00:14
Okay, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ron asks Harry if he's heard from Sirius Black, and the answer is yes. And that's it. It's a very brief conversation.
Brooke Matherly 1:00:25
Christina Kann 1:00:27
Brooke Matherly 1:00:27
They're like, "About anything in particular?" and Harry's like, "Hmm, what have I learned in the past 3 books about telling people what's going on? Nothing? No, everything's fine."
Wouldn't it be crazy if it's like a movie and they asked that line in the movie and Harry says it, and then you just see his eyes stare off and you see like sounds in the background? And you're like, "Wait a second, there's a whole side quest here? and they're like, "Oh yeah, whole side quest. Whole adventure."
Brooke Matherly 1:00:53
Just horror imagery of nightmares of people being killed.
Yeah, like we murdered some people for a weekend.
Brooke Matherly 1:01:02
Harry's like, "I am not sure entirely how complicit I have been in a couple of murders at this point." Which is a lot for a 14 year old.
Christina Kann 1:01:11
That's why he's just like, "Yeah, yeah, Ron, I have."
Christina Kann 1:01:19
Mrs. Weasley finally sends everyone to bed and because they have to be up at the crack of dawn to get to the World Cup. She's going to spend the day getting their school supplies from Diagon Alley. She's honestly probably like really, really stoked to be able to just go shopping by herself. I would be if I were her.
Brooke Matherly 1:01:37
I'm also hoping that Harry, like, wizard Venmoed her enough money for this, because she surely does not have the cash to be also getting his school supplies, and Harry is very rich.
Christina Kann 1:01:49
Yeah, you're right about that.
Brooke Matherly 1:01:50
He should be paying them rent. He is wealthy enough to be paying them rent.
Christina Kann 1:01:54
Yeah. That's it gang. That's the end of the chapter. Is there anything that we failed to address that you just simply must discuss?
Brooke Matherly 1:02:03
If anything, we just failed to undress? And that was really a disappointment to me.
Christina Kann 1:02:08
Wizards invented international travel. They're also recklessly murdering children for their own bloodsport, and you know, don't ever pass up on a chance to have sex with two twins.
Brooke Matherly 1:02:26
Mike's lessons at knifepoint.
Which is another podcast you should tune into, or else!
Christina Kann 1:02:34
Well, that seems like a good segue as any directly into our plug portion of today's episode. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! September's bonus episode for our patrons covered My Immortal, the very mysterious and goffick and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction and all of its lore. Special shoutout to Haley for running that one for us. Link is in the show notes. Please support us on Patreon to get more bonus episodes of that nature. Brooke, where can people find you on the internet?
Brooke Matherly 1:03:08
You can find me on Instagram @passion_for_parks. You can find me on Twitter @grumpybrooke. And this week, I would love to plug a book that I have been demanding everybody in my entire social circle read. It's called "Malice."
Christina Kann 1:03:24
Oh yeah! You're bringing it to me.
Brooke Matherly 1:03:25
I am. It's called "Malice" by Heather Walter. Part of the reason I'm so excited is because it's so rare that I just walk into a bookstore and I picked up a book based entirely on cover art. And I flipped open the inner jacket, and I read a couple sentences, and I was like, "Yeah, fuck it, I'll get it." And then what I proceeded to read was one of the most original, well thought out, delightful, sapphic fantasy novels. It is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. It is fucking amazing. It's one of two, but the second book is already written and good to go and coming out in May of next year. So this is not a thing where we have to worry about reading it or getting invested in it. And it's just so good. It is a great book. Everyone should read it. I make no hesitation there: everyone should read it. It is very, very good, and I loved every minute of it, and you should too. "Malice" by Heather Walter.
Christina Kann 1:04:22
Oh my god, I'm so freakin excited.
Christina Kann 1:04:27
Mike, where can people find you on the internet?
They can find me on the Internet at 208-672-2222--
Christina Kann 1:04:38
I thought maybe you'd plug your Instagram or something.
Oh, I thought you needed my local IP address! My bad. You asked me where I was on the internet! You can find me on Instagram @weirdcarsrva. You can also find me on TikTok @magicmikedancedancedance.
Brooke Matherly 1:04:47
You cannot find him @magicmikedancedancedance.
Christina Kann 1:04:59
But yeah, sadly I am not as well versed as by amazing, intelligent, beautiful wife, so I do not have any books to recommend.
Brooke Matherly 1:05:09
Plug that poem that you've been digging.
Oh, there was a really good Leonard Cohen poem called "Kanye West Is Not Picasso." It's freakin amazing. It's a really short poem. So if you got two minutes, just literally type on Google "Kanye West Is Not Picasso."
Christina Kann 1:05:32
Hell yeah. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann, you can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann, and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week I have to recommend to you -- What is it? What did I decide? I forgot already. Oh! Bob's Burgers! I'm plugging it because the new season started last week, last Sunday, actually. And I fucking love that show. Y'all know I love that show. I have plugged it before. I just wanted to let anyone who doesn't know that there's a new season know that there's a new season. I don't know anything. I haven't watched it yet. Podcasts get recorded ahead of time. Well, that's that. Brooke, Mike, thank you so much for joining me on this fine, fine evening.
Brooke Matherly 1:06:14
Absolutely. We're always happy to get to hang out with each other in someone else's presence. We're the masterful couple of making other people third wheel for us.
Christina Kann 1:06:25
I love that.
Brooke Matherly 1:06:26
You're actually probably one of the few people that has enough of a sense of self and strong personality that you can't be made a third wheel.
You are. You're the unicycle.
Brooke Matherly 1:06:37
And we're just like clinging to the back of it.
I don't know what the fuck we are. I don't know what else goes on a unicycle.
Brooke Matherly 1:06:43
We're on a trick bike. You're actually driving it. I'm sitting on the handlebars, and Mike's on the pegs on the back.
And we're totes about to go play N64 at Eric's house right now and I think he has some weed from his older brother.
Christina Kann 1:06:58
Guys, how am I supposed to naturally wrap it up from here?
Brooke Matherly 1:07:03
Just go for it. Plunge straight in.
Christina Kann 1:07:03
I gotta go finish reading "Tricky Candy for Tricky Boys" before this book starts disciplining me. Bye!
Brooke Matherly 1:07:11
Christina Kann 1:07:11
Mike, say bye.
Christina Kann 1:07:18
The Restricted Section is thrilled to be a member of the Movie Night Crew Podcast Network, which features amazing other podcasts, such as My Cabbages: an Avatar Podcast. My cabbages is an avatar the last airbender podcast that was started by two lovable nerds during a global pandemic to stave off their inevitable existential crisis.
Christina Kann 1:08:55
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/restrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at email@example.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
Brooke Matherly 1:09:43
Did you just get a knife to scratch your back with?
Brooke Matherly 1:09:47
You got to show her that night. It's a large knife.
Mary Clay Watt, Christina Kann, actual ghost probably, Jason Hilton
Christina Kann 00:02
"Harry wheeled around. Dudley was no longer standing behind his parents. He was kneeling beside the coffee table, and he was gagging and sputtering on a foot-long, purple, slimy thing that was protruding from his mouth. One bewildered second later, Harry realized that the footlong thing was Dudley's tongue, and that a brightly colored toffee wrapper lay on the floor before him." Okay, I'll read more. "Aunt Petunia hurled herself onto the ground beside Dudley, seized the end of his swollen tongue, and attempted to wrench it out of his mouth. Unsurprisingly, Dudley yelled and sputtered worse than ever, trying to fight her off. Uncle Vernon was bellowing and waving his arms around, and Mr. Weasley had to shout to make himself heard." So that's what we're doing in this chapter.
Christina Kann 01:10
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that this story and its themes have stayed with the generation into adulthood. Thank you so much for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about this week:
Christina Kann 01:30
Chapter Four: Back to the Burrow. Harry spends a very tense day waiting for the Weasleys to come pick him up at the Dursleys'. Uncle Vernon is wearing his best suit for the occasion in a show of power. But unfortunately, the Weasleys arrive via fireplace, and also very unfortunately, the Dursleys' fireplace is boarded up in favor of an electric fire. So the visit starts poorly with Arthur Weasley blasting the Dursleys' fireplace apart, and it does actually in fact get worse from there. On their way out, Fred drops a bunch of candy. Whoopsie! Oh wow, what a silly accident. Well, of course, dieting Dudley eats one candy that was accidentally left behind, and it causes his tongue to grow uncontrollably. So Uncle Vernon starts chucking china pieces at Arthur, and Arthur makes Harry leave via Floo Powder while he fixes everything. Not all heroes wear capes; some wear "long robes in varying states of shabbiness."
Christina Kann 02:40
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we WILL explode your living room! I am delighted to be joined today by my boisterous friend, Mary Clay! Say hello to the listeners, Mary Clay.
Mary Clay Watt 02:51
Christina Kann 02:53
I'm so glad you're back after summer vacation.
Mary Clay Watt 02:56
I know! I was just I was texting you earlier this week, and I was telling Jason when you were running around your house resetting your Wi Fi, that it feels like it's been a while. I couldn't remember what I was last on for. Obviously it was Prisoner of Azkaban, which comes right before this book, Goblet of Fire.
Christina Kann 03:15
Mary Clay Watt 03:16
So it's good to be back talking about good old HP.
Christina Kann 03:22
The last episode you were on was the movie episode with Ethan and Haley, and that does feel like it was truly so long ago.
Mary Clay Watt 03:31
Well, honestly, when we recorded that episode, it very well could have been when I was still at my old job. I know I was at my old house. It was probably before we traveled -- we did all this traveling for my brother's wedding. I lived with my parents for two weeks when I was in between leases. And then moving in was a whole process because we had an issue with our gas stove leaking gas. And so it's truly like a lifetime has passed in terms of what I've experienced since I was last on.
Christina Kann 04:13
You've come so far and tried so hard. And in the end, it definitely mattered. And our special guest today -- you might have heard of him -- is Jason Hilton, editor of the Movie Night Crew! Say hello to the listeners, Jason.
Jason Hilton 04:32
Hello to the listeners, Jason.
Mary Clay Watt 04:34
I almost did that joke, but I couldn't remember what Christina said exactly.
Christina Kann 04:44
You may remember Jason from his past episodes. He was on for Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 17: The Heir of Slytherin, and Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter Seven: The Boggart in the Wardrobe, so pretty good chapters, if I do say myself.
Mary Clay Watt 05:00
Jason Hilton 05:01
Well, my first chapter was the very first chapter of Chamber of Secrets. So...
Christina Kann 05:07
Jason Hilton 05:08
Christina Kann 05:09
Dang, I didn't even look. I scrolled back and I'm sure I was like, "Oh, there's this Chamber of Secrets one and that's all that he did." I didn't remember you did two.
Jason Hilton 05:19
I am hurt. That was a special recording.
Christina Kann 05:23
You're right. I do remember, though, cuz that was incredibly boring and terrible. *scathingly* Harry Potter was a very special boy.
Jason Hilton 05:31
Yeah, and I was way more nervous.
Christina Kann 05:34
Well, I hope you're comfortable. In fact, let's all get comfortable in the Dursleys' living room.
Jason Hilton 05:42
While we can.
Christina Kann 05:44
While we can. Today, we're talking about Chapter Four of Goblet of Fire, Back to the Burrow. But like, wow, misnomer, cuz we don't see the Burrow in this chapter.
Mary Clay Watt 05:54
I know, I was very disappointed.
Jason Hilton 05:56
Me too. Like, exactly. I was actually pretty let down.
Christina Kann 06:00
Okay, but it's still a pretty fun chapter, at least compared to the past two chapters.
Mary Clay Watt 06:05
It is very fun, but I just don't understand why she wouldn't have combined either the previous chapter and this chapter, or this chapter and the next chapter, you know?
Jason Hilton 06:16
Yeah, you like blink in this chapter is over, so it seems weird to even separate them.
Mary Clay Watt 06:21
It is still very fun. But I said before we officially started the episode that I kept reading on to the next chapter because it was so funny. I had a vague memory. I was like, "Don't Bill and Charlie, like, smash tables together like with their wands?" And I was like, "Did that actually happen?" But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about Harry just sitting in the hallway.
Jason Hilton 06:52
Christina Kann 06:53
Okay, be grateful for what you get. Yes, he packs. Yeah, to go to the Weasleys'. The Dursleys are pretty tense about the wizards that are coming to their house. Frankly, I'm impressed that they're even bearing this anxiety compared to how they usually act about "your kind."
Mary Clay Watt 07:14
I can't believe they didn't just be like, "Harry, you have to go meet them somewhere else at a drop off point. We're not allowing them into our house."
Christina Kann 07:23
Jason Hilton 07:25
They didn't even know how they were going to show up. So that probably wouldn't even have worked
Mary Clay Watt 07:28
Christina Kann 07:29
Yeah, that's true. I mean, unless there's a public location with a fireplace, which does exist, but it would have to be like a bougie winery or something. Maybe not in the UK. There's actually probably a lot more fireplaces in the UK. Uncle Vernon says that they better dress normally. Vernon, for his part, is wearing his very best suit, which is so ridiculous. Even if Mr. Weasley was a Muggle, it's still a ridiculous outfit to wear to sit in your living room.
Mary Clay Watt 08:02
I loved the note that it wasn't because he wanted to look, you know, put together for his guests; it was that he wanted to show off how much money he has or how nice his clothes are or something.
Jason Hilton 08:16
Yeah. Which is a pretty big sting for the Weasleys.
Mary Clay Watt 08:21
They don't wear Muggle clothes, so Vernon wearing an impressive, nice, fancy suit isn't something that's going to impress them. They're just gonna be like, "Yeah, it's muggle clothes. I guess it looks nice. Like, congratulations." It's like me when people tell me basically anything about what their car is. I'm like, "Cool!"
Christina Kann 08:43
Harry doubts that they're gonna dress in a way that Uncle Vernon likes because the Weasleys parents, they often wear long robes. I feel like wearing long robes every day would be extremely obnoxious. What do you guys think?
Jason Hilton 08:58
Well, it drags on the ground all the time. You even notice that in the movies, where they have like soot always on the bottom of their wizarding robes. It would seem kind of inconvenient for me. I don't go around wearing like a trench coat all the time. Well, for multiple reasons.
Mary Clay Watt 09:16
I would love the feeling of just always having a cape on. I know our dear friend admin Edna mode says "No capes!" I would just love the feeling of like anywhere I walk. It's like whoosh!
Jason Hilton 09:27
Friend of the podcast Edna Mode.
Mary Clay Watt 09:29
Yes, she listens.
Jason Hilton 09:31
I like to imagine Arthur Weasley coming in with the most stereotypical wizarding outfit possible, just by chance, so he's got the big, pointy Merlin hat and a purple cloak with yellow stars and moons all over it. Like, "Hello!" And he's just trying to be nice, but greatly offending.
Christina Kann 09:50
Oh my God, we have that exact outfit. We bought our Dumbledore outfit; you just described it like exactly. I think that I would be okay wearing long robes every day at Hogwarts, where everything's cold and made out of stone, you know?
Christina Kann 10:08
It's not very dirty. It's not muddy, you know? It's just these big stone corridors with nothing to catch you. If I had a robe, I would get it caught on everything, and also I'm realizing now that the kittens would just love that thing.
Mary Clay Watt 10:08
Mary Clay Watt 10:24
Yo, you know when you're going about your day and then, absolute day-ruiner, you're wearing a cardigan and the pocket gets caught in a doorknob? Is this only a me experience?
Christina Kann 10:36
Jason Hilton 10:39
No, that's happened to me with belt loops.
Mary Clay Watt 10:41
Okay, or a similar thing: you have you have a jacket on, you have a purse, you have anything on your body, and you walk past a door, and it catches on the doorknob.
Christina Kann 10:51
It's usually my purse.
Mary Clay Watt 10:52
You just imagine how often that would happen with your robe?
Jason Hilton 10:55
I'm just concerned with how much fire is in Hogwarts.
Christina Kann 10:59
Oh, that's true.
Jason Hilton 11:02
Oh yeah, Snape gets his robes on fire, right?
Mary Clay Watt 11:06
Yeah, but that's because a student did that to him.
Christina Kann 11:10
Yeah, someone set him on fire. That's different from just catching on fire.
Mary Clay Watt 11:16
I would have to have a summer robe.
Jason Hilton 11:18
It's really easy for children to set your clothes on fire. That's my only thing. That's why I wouldn't want to wear one.
Christina Kann 11:25
Yeah, Mary Clay, I suppose a summer robe would consist of like -- oh my god! At the Renaissance Fair, Lelia bought this capelet. It's like Little Red Riding Hood and it only covers her shoulders and it's adorable.
Mary Clay Watt 11:41
I'm imagining a sheer robe that's mostly just an overlay. You know?
Christina Kann 11:52
Mary Clay Watt 11:53
That maybe some floral designs on it or something for the summer. That would have to be my summer robe, since it's, you know, always 90 degrees where we live.
Christina Kann 12:06
Jason Hilton 12:07
Not in jolly old England.
Christina Kann 12:10
Okay, and then so Dudley is acting generally afraid because the last time that he met a wizard, he got a pig tail out of it. Well, the text calls him a full-grown wizard, I think, but it was Hagrid. I would argue that he's not a full-grown wizard. He doesn't have wizard training.
Mary Clay Watt 12:31
I think it means he is a wizard who is full grown. Like he's an adult.
Jason Hilton 12:37
Mary Clay Watt 12:39
Rather than like a fully trained wizard.
Jason Hilton 12:41
He may be a child on the inside, but he is an adult on the outside.
Christina Kann 12:45
And I suppose Dudley wouldn't know the difference. He was probably very threatened by that man at the time.
Mary Clay Watt 12:51
Yeah, but of course, it has to refer to that as a distant event, because if you say, "The last time Dudley was with a wizard, Hagrid gave him a tail," and then JK Rowling would have to be like, "Hagrid is the gatekeeper at Hogwarts." How she'll pepper in those details. "Yes, we know. It's book four. We know."
Jason Hilton 13:17
I kind of appreciated those sometimes because there was such a big gap between when the books came out. What was it, like every couple of years? I don't remember.
Mary Clay Watt 13:26
Christina Kann 13:26
Yeah, it was definitely a couple of years between them.
Jason Hilton 13:30
Christina Kann 13:30
Not many though, honestly. Pretty impressive writing pace, and George RR Martin could stand to take a leaf out of HER?? book. Reading these books this time around, I feel so bad for Dudley, honestly. He never stood a chance as a human being or a character. The text just absolutely despises him in a way that children should not be despised.
Jason Hilton 13:57
Although him constantly holding his butt this entire chapter was pretty funny. That was a funny detail that she kept bringing up.
Christina Kann 14:04
I think it's sad. He's like, absolutely terrified.
Mary Clay Watt 14:07
Yeah. Also it mentioned that they had to take him to a private hospital for the tail to be removed.
Christina Kann 14:14
Mary Clay Watt 14:15
So that required surgery. He was in physical pain, probably, because of what happened.
Jason Hilton 14:22
Probably couldn't sit down for a while
Christina Kann 14:24
Yes, that's what I was about to say! It's his favorite thing to do! Oh my gosh. We talked about this a lot in the last chapter, so we won't harp on it here, but the really rude fat shaming of Dudley continues through this chapter. He can't just walk out of a room, he has to waddle, you know? Yeah. And so the pig thing is just, I think it's just -- they're laying it on too heavy. In this book, he hasn't done a damn thing.
Jason Hilton 14:53
That adjective "porky" makes a return. For sure.
Christina Kann 14:57
God damn, remember that one pilot from Star Wars named Porkins?
Jason Hilton 15:03
Oh yeah, for sure. He's my favorite character.
Christina Kann 15:08
He's my favorite, too. It's a totally different situation. But--
Jason Hilton 15:11
I heard a funny story about that, where the actor was mildly offended at that because he was overweight. And he's like, "Are you calling me Porkins because I'm fat?" But apparently George Lucas was like, "Oh, no, you've got this whole backstory. And this is why Porkins is your name," or something like tha, just to make him feel better.
Christina Kann 15:28
Jason Hilton 15:28
Christina Kann 15:29
Putting in the legwork. "Check out this worldbuilding. I'ma explain why the fat guy's named Porkins." So, lunch is very tense and silent.
Mary Clay Watt 15:42
Christina Kann 15:42
Mary Clay, did you get the bug?
Mary Clay Watt 15:44
Can you see it flying around?
Christina Kann 15:47
No, I can't.
Mary Clay Watt 15:48
There is a fly. First of all, there's a gnat and a fly in my room. And the fly, I think, has been in our apartment. Like I think it needs to pay rent at this point. Anyway, continue.
Jason Hilton 16:05
No, I want to hear more about the bugs!
Christina Kann 16:07
I spend a lot of time watching other creatures catch bugs because my cats love catching bugs, and there's so many in our house.
Mary Clay Watt 16:15
Send them here! *SLAP* Oh my god. Oh, no. No, I slowed it down, though.
Christina Kann 16:19
Dude, you can have a kitten if you want.
Mary Clay Watt 16:22
I'm slowing down, I'm slowing it down. Okay,
Jason Hilton 16:24
Gus will do that. He'll just grab a fly and coldly eat it. And I'm like, "Ah, God, this is nature in my house."
Mary Clay Watt 16:33
My favorite videos from the summer have been pet owners being like, "Spit it out, spit it out now!" and they have a giant cicada in their mouth. And it's just a dog and their mouth is closed and then you just hear like the chirping but it sounds muffled.
Christina Kann 16:53
So lunch is very tense and silent. I think it's silent, completely silent, except for that Vernon asks if the Weasleys will be driving. And Harry realizes -- sweet, stupid little Harry realizes -- that he has absolutely no fucking idea how they're getting there.
Mary Clay Watt 17:08
Also, I love how as the books go on, and like I said earlier, at this point, she doesn't have the time to go in and every time they mention something crazy, explain exactly what happened. So she'll just pass by it really quickly. And so it mentions that their Ford Anglia is currently driving around the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. So it's very funny as the books go on, and like you have these opening chapters reintroducing you to the world and people and characters and objects and stuff. All of these very crazy, out-of-context things that are just adding to the list.
Jason Hilton 17:54
Do they even like attempt recap chapters once book seven comes around? I haven't read it in a long time.
Mary Clay Watt 18:00
I can't remember. I don't know. We'll find out in three years.
Christina Kann 18:03
I think they kind of stop in Order of the Phoenix. But Mary Clay, there is now suddenly a fly zooming around my office. And I think you summoned it -- or sent it.
Mary Clay Watt 18:18
I think I did kill the fly because I can see it lying on my floor. So maybe his spirit, his ghost, is over there.
Christina Kann 18:27
My God. I don't know how to segue from ghost fly into Harry sitting around.
Mary Clay Watt 18:34
Just go immediately into whatever you we're going to talk about and just cut all of this out and put it into Patreon content.
Christina Kann 18:41
A Patreon episode of just Mary Clay talking about the fly! Well, we need we need to do something while we're just waiting around for the Weasleys to show up. Harry's just sitting around. He's not even reading. They're just sitting.
Mary Clay Watt 19:01
They're twiddling their thumbs, yeah.
Jason Hilton 19:04
Their very, very bulbous thumbs.
Mary Clay Watt 19:06
Oh, also want to point out that their lunch is cottage cheese and shredded celery.
Christina Kann 19:13
God damn, that sounds so terrible.
Jason Hilton 19:16
That's such a '90s diet.
Christina Kann 19:18
It is a very '90s diet. I bet my mom had that for lunch more than a couple times.
Jason Hilton 19:23
Yeah, I'm sure that was like a miracle recipe back then. It's like, "Oh, if you just get into cottage cheese, you're good. You'll never have to eat cheese again." And then of course, it was a dirty, dirty lie. Just like with kale. It's like "You'll never want spinach or lettuce again!" And like you know, I do.
Mary Clay Watt 19:36
I don't want spinach or lettuce to begin with.
Christina Kann 19:39
Aw. I love lettuce. Um, that's not relevant, so... Okay, so it's five o'clock. What time are the Weasleys supposed to get here?
Mary Clay Watt 19:50
Five o'clock. It's very similar to how Jason and I rolled up to this recording.
Christina Kann 20:01
Mary Clay Watt 20:03
That was a self-roast.
Christina Kann 20:04
So they're just waiting in utter agony. They're all just so tense. But Harry never doubts for a second that the Weasleys are coming to get him.
Jason Hilton 20:15
Yeah, that's nice, but I don't understand -- when you have teleportation, how is being a late even an issue ever?
Mary Clay Watt 20:23
Well, they still have to get to the fireplace, you know? When you have a family of -- and Bill and Charlie are there, too, at this point. Spoiler alert for the next chapter. I didn't read ahead, what? Even though I admitted it at the beginning of this episode, I think. I'm sure the Burrow's crazy, you know. Fred and George are probably running around their room being like, "Oh, you know, it would be really funny? Get some of the toffees. Let's test them out on Dudley," and they're planning that out. Ron's upstairs maybe straightening his room, and Arthur's downstairs, like, "Come on, boys. We have to go!" and then Molly's like, "Well, while you're standing here waiting for them, you might as well help me cook dinner." So I can see how the Weasleys being a very large, rambunctious family, it takes a while to get them all, you know, in one place. Even if that place is in front of their own fireplace.
Jason Hilton 21:20
That is something I like to think about: if teleportation was like possible, I mean, I feel like people would still be late because you would still be procrastinating. You would be procrastinating to the very last second or something.
Christina Kann 21:35
Yeah, my beloved husband Sean has ADHD, and he would be, for sure, that person who cannot get there on time with teleportation.
Jason Hilton 21:45
I love the tone of your voice when you say "beloved husband."
Christina Kann 21:50
I love him, but he literally sometimes just literally cannot make himself get it together and get out the door wall. It's always when we're going on vacation and the pressure's on and I'm like, "People are waiting on us." And he's like, "Wait, I'm resetting the router."
Mary Clay Watt 22:08
Oh, I thought you meant you were going to right now to reset the router.
Christina Kann 22:11
No, that's always why he takes so long.
Mary Clay Watt 22:16
Also, consider, for people who have done remote work at all in the last year: Are you sitting at your computer exactly at 10am as the Zoom meeting rolls around? Or are you still on the toilet, scrolling TikTok being like, "Oh, shoot the meeting!"
Jason Hilton 22:39
In general, that's why I can't get into TikTok. I'm refusing myself TikTok because I know I'll get sucked into that world.
Mary Clay Watt 22:47
Jason Hilton 22:47
I feel like it'll ruin my life.
Mary Clay Watt 22:49
I have a problem.
Christina Kann 22:50
I've told your wife several times before that I think the two of you could have a very lucrative TikTok, and I'm happy to talk about that more at a later time.
Jason Hilton 22:59
Oh no. That's I'm fine.
Christina Kann 23:01
Your funny little songs.
Jason Hilton 23:03
Oh, true. Yeah.
Christina Kann 23:05
Finally, there's a scream. Uncle Vernon screams. There's a noise coming from inside the board-up fireplace.
Mary Clay Watt 23:13
The call is coming from inside the house.
Jason Hilton 23:15
Inside the fireplace.
Christina Kann 23:18
Dudley immediately peaces the fuck out. He's like, "I'm just already done." Why is he even here? Go to your room.
Mary Clay Watt 23:24
I know. I mean, that's always what I did as a kid and as an adult, is just go up to my room whenever people I don't know who I don't want to interact with come over. You just go to your room and close the door.
Jason Hilton 23:36
It's that suburbanite thing where like, everyone has to be there to greet them. Or maybe it's just classic English politeness.
Christina Kann 23:44
Dude, it's like the Von Trapp family. Line up. Parade out. Let me show all my friends what? I've made children.
Jason Hilton 23:51
Can you imagine if there were seven Dursley kids?
Christina Kann 23:54
No. They wouldn't be the same at all. Because part of that is that Dudley is like, inherently this way because he's the only, most precious child.
Mary Clay Watt 24:05
Yeah, if they had seven children, they would for sure pick a favorite. And then the favorite would know that they're the favorite, you know?
Jason Hilton 24:13
Yeah. I mean, it's always the first kid.
Christina Kann 24:15
Um, it is not always the first kid. Let me tell you, me and my little brother go back and forth.
Jason Hilton 24:21
Your parents go back and forth over which one they like more?
Christina Kann 24:24
But we always know which one it is.
Mary Clay Watt 24:26
I tell you what, as the third child in my family: The favorite is never -- it's been the first child a lot. It's been the second child a lot. It's never really been the third child.
Jason Hilton 24:37
I know, there's there's so few pictures of me as a baby because I was the third kid.
Christina Kann 24:42
Okay, in my family, the third child was beloved, but that's because he's an actual genius.
Mary Clay Watt 24:47
I think there are two spectrums for third child in families. There is one end where the third child -- or the youngest or whatever -- is -- I say "spoiled" in the sense that like they're given almost everything that they want. The rules are relaxed for them. Things are easier for them because there's always attentionon them. Or they're just pushed to the side and forgotten because there's all this other stuff happening already. When you come into the world, it's like, "That's great. But I also have the six year old and this three year old and now I have a baby. You, at least, can't move. So I'm going to put you in the swing," which my mom referred to as the Neglect-o-matic.
Christina Kann 25:38
Work smart, not hard, Mom!
Mary Clay Watt 25:40
In order, you know, to wrangle the other children. So I was on the other end of the third child spectrum where it's like, brother's off at band camp, sister's off at swim team, and you have your Gameboy to sit in the bleachers and watch.
Jason Hilton 25:55
And you can be quiet.
Mary Clay Watt 25:58
And you can sit there and enjoy your book or your Gameboy or whatever it is.
Christina Kann 26:02
My youngest brother, Ryan, wrote the theme song for this podcast, and if that isn't just the pinnacle of success, I don't know what is. Fred, George, and Mr. Weasley roll up into the blocked-off fireplace. Basically, they're coming in hot literally because there's a fire. But I guess the fire is not flammable. I assume it's blocked off with cardboard, right? No, yeah. No, not cardboard, wood. Plywood!
Mary Clay Watt 26:31
What I think would have been more fun, is if the reason the fireplace was blocked up was because Vernon blocked it up when -- actually, I don't know if that's a movie detail or if they did that in the book as well. In the first book, with the letters coming, if he boarded the fireplace up when the letters came and then was just too lazy to take them down at some point, you know.
Jason Hilton 26:57
I'll just get an electric one.
Mary Clay Watt 27:00
I would have appreciated that detail of like, "but the fireplace was boarded up because Vernon tried to stop Harry's school letters from arriving."
Jason Hilton 27:09
That's a Marvel-level continuity thing, so I could see that.
Christina Kann 27:11
Yeah. Before I remembered the letters thing, what I was thinking is that maybe when Lily died, someone took the Floo Network to their house to tell them that that had happened, and surprised them. And they boarded it up so no more wizards could get through.
Mary Clay Watt 27:29
I like that, I like that. I think the real answer, though, is just that like in -- quote unquote -- in the modern times of 1994, they have this electric fireplace that's a lot less effort for maintaining that they use instead. And I think that's just like, "Oh, this is this new gadget. It shows our wealth, it shows that we are with the times. It's something that we don't have to fuss about. And we can just turn it on and be warm and turn it off again."
Christina Kann 28:07
I'm grumpy because Sean and I have an ongoing fight about what kind of firepit we should have in the backyard. And in the end, he bought me my regular wood burning fire pit, but he always complains that it's not gas powered. I like the smell of fire.
Jason Hilton 28:24
Not when it's like blowing directly on me.
Mary Clay Watt 28:26
That's nice until -- you know what, Christina? I was with you until I thought about the actual situation of sitting around a fire and then there's always that one person the smoke is always blowing in, you know?
Christina Kann 28:42
Pkay, but I have a couch back there now. Can I interest you in a couch? Last time you were here, there wasn't a couch.
Jason Hilton 28:47
Can I interest you in a smokeless couch?
Mary Clay Watt 28:51
If I'm sitting on the couch, the smoke is still gonna blow at me when I'm on the couch.
Christina Kann 28:55
I'll protect you. So Harry goes to speak to Mr. Weasley--
Mary Clay Watt 29:00
The fly! The fly was not dead. It got back up.
Jason Hilton 29:04
It was pretending!
Mary Clay Watt 29:05
It got back up and flew away. Oh my god. It was literally lying on the floor. And I saw it go by I was like, "Are you kidding me? There's another goddamn fly."
Jason Hilton 29:12
I would recognize that fly anywhere.
Mary Clay Watt 29:14
The thrilling saga continues.
Christina Kann 29:17
That happens a lot in my house because the kittens don't like to eat the flies. They just like to take them down. So they'll bring down a fly and carry it around, and I think it gets all wet with spit, and then like three hours later it dries off and can fly away. They don't kill these flies. Cats are insane. So Harry's like, "Mr. Weasley, it's boarded up," and Mr. Weasley's like, "What the fuck?" But he's excited that there's an "eclectic" fireplace. And then Ron shows up. Have you ever seen a fireplace that all of these people could fit in at the same time?
Jason Hilton 30:02
Mary Clay Watt 30:03
I guess they're up in the chimney.
Jason Hilton 30:04
Mary Clay Watt 30:04
That's what I have imagined is that like they're stacked on top of each other.
Jason Hilton 30:09
The logistics of everything was confusing me. I was like "That's the only way."
Christina Kann 30:13
*dying laughing* STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER UP THE CHIMNEY!
Mary Clay Watt 30:19
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess that's the only thing I can think of.
Jason Hilton 30:24
Wait, why did so many people need to come?
Mary Clay Watt 30:26
Yeah, that's what I don't get. Maybe, I would say Ron could come because it's his friend, but if you want to make the matter simpler, just have Arthur Apparate in, and then Harry can just hold on to his arm and then Apparate out, but maybe JK Rowling hadn't invented that concept yet. I love this moment when Ron pops in and says, "What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?" "Oh no, Ron," said Fred's voice very sarcastically. "No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up." "Yeah, we're having the time of our lives here," said George.
Christina Kann 31:05
I love them so much. So Mr. Weasley finally just straight-up blasts the fireplace open. And the Weasleys all fall out.
Mary Clay Watt 31:16
Imagine like a slide, I guess, because they're all stacked on top of each other.
Christina Kann 31:22
And then Mr. Weasley tries to go politely introduce himself.
Jason Hilton 31:26
Yeah, I love his very bold attempts to try to win him over with kindness or politeness. It's like, "Hello. I just destroyed your living room. How's it going?"
Mary Clay Watt 31:39
Oh, it would be so pissed.
Jason Hilton 31:40
I know. I'm kind of with the Dursleys on this one. 100%
Mary Clay Watt 31:43
Christina Kann 31:44
Okay, but -- but to Mr. Weasley, this is something that can be fixed with magic in like 10 seconds, you know?
Mary Clay Watt 31:51
Jason Hilton 31:52
Yeah, he better.
Christina Kann 31:53
He has no idea. He's trying so hard.
Jason Hilton 31:54
How can you still not pronounce "electric" right? He's been working at the Ministry for years!
Christina Kann 32:00
No one will talk to him about "ekel-tricity."
Mary Clay Watt 32:03
And we find out that he collects plugs. So he should know that it's pronounced "electric."
Jason Hilton 32:13
Yeah. I always wondered what goes on at a Muggle research because I'm like, "Can't you just go to a library?" Like a Muggle library? And find out like everything about them? We are really good at recording like literally everything about ourselves.
Christina Kann 32:30
Yeah, that is true. We love to do that.
Jason Hilton 32:33
But it's less fun that way.
Christina Kann 32:34
So the Dursleys back away from Mr. Weasley in fear and horror. He tries to explain the Floo network to them, kind of -- well, he tries to explain -- "Well, this happened because we hooked you up to the Floo network." And he's just talking. He's like, "I can fix everything. Don't even worry about it." But they are actually in fact worried about it. I don't think they say almost a thing for like the rest of this chapter.
Mary Clay Watt 33:04
Yeah, they're just standing there in shock. Yeah.
Jason Hilton 33:07
Yeah. And there's very, very graphic depictions of what Uncle Vernon's face is doing right now. And Aunt Petunia "chewing her tongue," which sounds really painful. She doesn't even say a word in this chapter.
Christina Kann 33:25
I think I know what that means. I have this like thing that I do that where I like, kind of chew the inside of my mouth a little bit.
Jason Hilton 33:33
Oh, I do that, but your tongue? I don't --ow! That's a British thing.
Christina Kann 33:38
I think it's like the same kind of thing, though. You know what I mean?
Mary Clay Watt 33:53
Listeners, try at home.
Christina Kann 33:56
Hit us up if you're a tongue chewer, let us know.
Jason Hilton 34:00
Like and subscribe.
Christina Kann 34:02
Like and subscribe, all tongue chewers. Fred and George are like "Lol, we'll go get your trunk, Harry."
Jason Hilton 34:11
They really want to see what Dudley looks like. Probably.
Christina Kann 34:14
Yeah, they've never met him and they lay eyes on him and then they decide to ruin his fucking life.
Jason Hilton 34:22
Essentially poison him.
Christina Kann 34:24
Mary Clay Watt 34:26
It is a funny note -- again, not that this is the chapter that we're discussing -- but in the next chapter, you know, Arthur tries to chastise them for what they do. And they're like, "In our defense, we didn't do it because he's a Muggle. We did it because he's terrible. I mean, he's actually the worst."
Christina Kann 34:44
Jason Hilton 34:44
He got the pigtail already.
Mary Clay Watt 34:47
I think we're good now.
Jason Hilton 34:48
Well, he's continually horrible to him. He didn't really learn his lesson the first time.
Christina Kann 34:52
I maintain that he hasn't done anything this book that we've seen.
Jason Hilton 34:55
Christina Kann 34:56
So Mr. Weasley is trying to make small talk but he also just can't contain his excitement about like the Muggle shit around him. It's very adorable.
Jason Hilton 35:08
It's like when I'm someone you barely know, like a friend of a friend or an in-law or something, who like, doesn't really know that much about you, but knows that you own batteries. So that's like the only thing he -- that's like the first thing he brings up. He's like, "I have a collection of batteries. My wife thinks I'm mad."
Mary Clay Watt 35:30
There's a note from narrator Harry, that's like, "The Dursleys probably did think him mad."
Christina Kann 35:36
Yeah, so Dudley returns to the room because Fred and George scared him.
Jason Hilton 35:42
He smells candy.
Christina Kann 35:43
And he smells candy. Mr. Weasley also tries and fails to make small talk with him. I think Mr. Weasley has it right. He looks at Dudley and he's like "That is a poor, stupid boy who doesn't stand a chance." And he uses his extra nice voice on him.
Jason Hilton 36:00
Yeah, I appreciate that. He's like, trying his best. He knows these people are awful to him, and he really could just be as cold as possible to them, but he's really trying his best to come off like a respectable, nice person.
Mary Clay Watt 36:15
Also, it's such a dad thing for him to be -- he says "Having a nice holiday?" Like, "How's your summer vacation going?"
Jason Hilton 36:22
Oh, yeah. "How's school going?"
Mary Clay Watt 36:24
"How's your break from school?" You know, that's such an appropriate dad question to ask.
Jason Hilton 36:29
"What's your major again?"
Christina Kann 36:31
I asked you how your summer break when at the beginning of this episode. They call me Pod Daddy. So Fred and George return with Harry's trunk, and Mr. Weasley magically lights a fire in the hearth, and he pulls out some Floo Powder. And he's like, "Fred, you go" and but on his way out Fred "spills" a massive bag of candy.
Jason Hilton 36:59
Quote, unquote, "accidentally spilled."
Mary Clay Watt 37:02
Oh, no, these candies fell out of my pocket.
Jason Hilton 37:05
Stop, no, come back.
Mary Clay Watt 37:06
Christina Kann 37:07
Oh, sorry! Are you on a diet? I'll get these away from you.
Jason Hilton 37:12
Go ahead. They're low fat.
Christina Kann 37:16
But like don't even worry about it because he gathers them up and then he leaves. He's gone. It's done. Never to worry. And then George goes next with Harry's trunk. And then Ron goes, and then it's Harry's turn. So Harry says goodbye. Obviously they don't answer him. And then Harry tries to leave, but Mr. Weasley stops him and asks the Dursleys if they heard Harry say bye. Arthur's like "Okay, well, you guys aren't even being like human decency levels with like this kid, hold the phone."
Jason Hilton 37:52
He's got a lot on his mind currently at the moment though. It's like, "What am I gonna do about this hole in my wall?" And he's coated with soot. No one wants soot.
Christina Kann 38:06
Arthur just really knows how to take things in stride and he's trying to encourage other people to do the same.
Jason Hilton 38:11
Yeah, I think that was captured pretty well by they actor. He always felt like such a sweetheart, you know?
Christina Kann 38:18
Jason Hilton 38:19
Just wants the best for everyone.
Christina Kann 38:21
He makes Uncle Vernon say goodbye. Like the shittiest goodbye.
Jason Hilton 38:25
Even though Harry really doesn't care.
Christina Kann 38:28
Yeah, he doesn't care at all. But it's important to Mr. Weasley. Mr. Weasley's like, "I'm uncomfortable leaving this conversation without this social norm. You got to tell him bye, dude." Alright, so then Harry like goes to walk into the fireplace but -- dun dun DUN -- there's a gagging sound, and Dursley's on the floor--
Mary Clay Watt 38:53
Christina Kann 38:54
Oh, yeah. What did I say?
Mary Clay Watt 38:56
Dursley. NOOOO WHERE'D IT GO??? Every now and then in this recording you'll just hear--
Jason Hilton 39:05
No, it's the most exciting thing about this chapter, so.
Mary Clay Watt 39:09
Jason Hilton 39:10
Tune in next time for the fly!
Christina Kann 39:15
Yeah, so Dudley is on the floor. He's basically choking on his own giant tongue. You look like you're getting sworn in.
Jason Hilton 39:25
She's just like waiting.
Mary Clay Watt 39:26
Oh. OH! What now?
Jason Hilton 39:30
Mary Clay Watt 39:31
Oh, I got it. I got it. I'm gonna send you guys a picture
Christina Kann 39:36
Mary Clay Watt 39:38
Murder she wrote! Murder she did. Okay anyway.
Jason Hilton 39:44
Murder she do.
Mary Clay Watt 39:48
Here, I'll send it in Discord, and then people will have context for this a week later.
Jason Hilton 39:53
Just send it now. No caption whatsoever. Just a dead fly. Everyone's going to be like, "Is Mary Clay okay?"
Christina Kann 40:12
Just say "no context spoilers for next week."
Mary Clay Watt 40:16
Okay, there we go.
Jason Hilton 40:18
Okay. All right back to Dudley's tongue.
Mary Clay Watt 40:22
Bitch. What now?
Christina Kann 40:26
Um, yeah, so Dudley is choking on his own giant tongue. He must be so scared. I'm so sad for him in this chapter.
Mary Clay Watt 40:36
This isn't something that is really a practical joke. Later -- I think in the next book -- they evolve this trick to have the cure attached to it. So it's not something that you're going to be stuck with forever. So I think that's fine and funny to trick your friends into eating some candy and then it's like, "Oh, your tongue's massive. Haha. Alright, here's the antidote."
Christina Kann 41:04
Later in the book, Neville just turns -- there's a line something like "Neville caused a minor disruption by suddenly turning into a large canary" because he ate a canary creamer or whatever. That's hilarious. This is bullying.
Mary Clay Watt 41:21
It's just a funny line.
Jason Hilton 41:25
No, he has to go to the hospital for this.
Mary Clay Watt 41:28
It's also the fact that they left the candy, and then, Arthur was one minute 30 seconds away from leaving. I think it could have been different if they were going to be with Dudley for the next, you know, day, where like, a wizard could come in and fix this immediately. But they gave him the candy, not knowing -- we find out later this is a test -- not knowing what it would do to him, they left this candy for him. That's just mean.
Jason Hilton 42:05
Yeah, but it's always with like that kind of cynicism that that JK Rowling does where--
Mary Clay Watt 42:12
Ooh, it's twitching.
Jason Hilton 42:13
Mary Clay Watt 42:17
The cynicism that JK Rowling does, continue.
Jason Hilton 42:19
Yeah, where like, it's always like, these people are mean so it's okay to laugh at them. And it's okay to be mean to them. The pig tail was one thing. Him almost choking on his own tongue is a different thing. They wouldn't even know if he ate them while they were still there. So what if he ate them like two hours later and there was no wizards around?
Mary Clay Watt 42:42
Jason Hilton 42:43
And be like, "What the hell is happening?" This sounds horrifying, and it's probably for the best that they didn't put this in the movie because I don't think any kid would be okay with seeing a giant purple python coming out of a kid's mouth.
Mary Clay Watt 42:57
Oh, that's right. The movie just opens with like, Harry like having a bad dream?
Jason Hilton 43:04
Yeah. He's just at the Burrow. I think they were wise in saying, "We don't you don't need to know how he got to the Burrow. We just need him to be at the Burrow."
Christina Kann 43:14
Yeah. For sure.
Jason Hilton 43:15
Because I was looking ahead and I was like, "Oh God, the Quidditch World Cup doesn't even start for another 50 pages."
Christina Kann 43:23
Tell me about it. They don't even get to Hogwarts until, I think, page 130.
Mary Clay Watt 43:31
Yeah, it's crazy.
Jason Hilton 43:32
Christina Kann 43:32
Mary Clay Watt 43:33
They don't even leave the Shire till page 150. Same kind of energy.
Jason Hilton 43:41
When I was younger, this was probably the longest book I've ever read. I think it possibly still is. Is Deathly Hallows longer?
Mary Clay Watt 43:49
Order of the Phoenix is.
Christina Kann 43:50
Is it really? I thought this was the longest one.
Mary Clay Watt 43:53
No, Order the Phoenix is the longest.
Jason Hilton 43:54
Oh, so that's the longest book I've ever read, I guess. Because I don't think I've ever read anything over 800 pages.
Christina Kann 43:59
I've mentioned before that this is the book that made me believe as a kid that I could read big books, because I could just destroy this.
Jason Hilton 44:09
It is pretty magical -- no pun intended -- how we kind of grew up to be their ages as the books were coming out. So it was like, "Ooh, we're 14 now, we can handle this kind of book." You know?
Christina Kann 44:23
Yeah. Yeah. I think the longest book I've ever read was one of the Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones Five, whatever the fuck that book is.
Jason Hilton 44:31
I mean, if you want to count Lord of the Rings as one book.
Mary Clay Watt 44:33
I was gonna say, yeah.
Christina Kann 44:34
No, I don't.
Mary Clay Watt 44:36
A thousand pages.
Jason Hilton 44:39
I've always wondered about getting that edition of Lord of the Rings. It's like all three books combined into one.
Mary Clay Watt 44:44
When I was a kid, I would go to the library and specifically pick out large books for the sole purpose -- This is something that like I'm really just realizing now -- for the sole purpose of being like, "Look at my giant book that I'm reading. Aren't I better than you and your fucking Frog and Toad?" What is it? Mr. Toad and Frog?
Christina Kann 45:07
There's the Slytherin in her. We're seeing the Slytherin side. It is Frog and Toad. They're friends, they love each other.
Mary Clay Watt 45:16
I was reading one of their stories to a kid last week was babysitting, snd it's just so delightful. I think Frog and Toad could easily be hobbits, you know? The whole plot of this story is that Toad made a list and it's like, "Wake up, get out of bed, get dressed," and it would be like, "And then he got dressed, and he crossed it off the list." And then it was like, "Go see Frog," and he would go and see Frog and then it was like, "And then he crossed it off the list." And it was just so simplistic, but I was like, "This is wonderful." The plot twist in the story is that he lost his list and was like, "But what do I do next? I don't have my list!"
Christina Kann 46:09
Jason Hilton 46:10
Frog talk and fly talk. This is great.
Christina Kann 46:13
I feel like my life is just an elaborate series of lists. Okay, so we're on the floor.
Jason Hilton 46:22
We're on the ground.
Christina Kann 46:23
With Dudley! He's having a bad day!
Jason Hilton 46:27
Is there anything like a detail or something you could talk about?
actual ghost probably 46:32
How bout now?
Mary Clay Watt 46:33
What was that?
Christina Kann 46:34
What was that?
Mary Clay Watt 46:35
Do you not hear that?
Jason Hilton 46:36
Sorry. Let me turn that off.
Mary Clay Watt 46:39
What the hell?
actual ghost probably 46:40
Can you hear me now?
Jason Hilton 46:43
A weird thing--
Mary Clay Watt 46:44
It's still going! I heard it. I heard something just say "Can you hear me now?"
Jason Hilton 46:48
Okay, my house is like kind of haunted, but it's not really. So what happens--
Mary Clay Watt 46:53
I can hear it.
Jason Hilton 46:54
You can still hear it?
Mary Clay Watt 46:55
It's still talking.
Jason Hilton 46:56
Oh my god.
actual ghost probably 46:58
Mary Clay Watt 46:58
Hang on, be quiet for a second.
Jason Hilton 47:00
I can't hear it.
Mary Clay Watt 47:03
Shh. This is so freaky.
Jason Hilton 47:07
Wait, wait does it sound like a hillbilly voice?
Mary Clay Watt 47:11
Jason Hilton 47:12
Yeah, yeah, it's weird because I can't hear right now, but you can. It must be coming through my microphone or something. But okay, so what happens specifically in my house -- and I don't know why it happens--
actual ghost probably 47:24
Jason Hilton 47:25
I pick up radio signals.
Mary Clay Watt 47:26
It's still go ing!
Jason Hilton 47:27
Yep. I hope like -- oh god, I hope my audio isn't recording it. Oh, darn it.
actual ghost probably 47:34
*mumbles about microphones*
Mary Clay Watt 47:35
I really hope that picks up on the recording.
actual ghost probably 47:38
I know that.
Mary Clay Watt 47:40
He said "I know that." Sir, can you hear us?
Jason Hilton 47:46
Christina Kann 47:48
Guys, I can't with this. I'm easily spooked.
Mary Clay Watt 47:52
It's like those urban legends you hear about a family's baby monitor, like a dude was listening in on their baby monitor or something, you know?
Christina Kann 48:02
Jason Hilton 48:03
Yeah, so what really happens is we pick up radio signals for some reason. I've looked into it several times.
Christina Kann 48:10
Have you ever talked to Sean about your audio haunting?
Mary Clay Watt 48:13
Jason Hilton 48:15
It is really weird because I do hear these conversations between people -- Sometimes, if I leave like my stereo on or my receiver on, I can hear it. My guitar amp picks it up.
Christina Kann 48:26
That's hauntening! That's a hauntening.
Jason Hilton 48:28
It's not haunting! It's really fucking annoying.
Mary Clay Watt 48:31
It's a haunting. Your house is haunted by a ghost who was like a radio DJ, I think.
Jason Hilton 48:40
It happened to me before. I pick up these guys who still communicate via like walkie talkie or ham radio or something.
Mary Clay Watt 48:47
Yo we were just talking about -- that's how we started the episode! We were talking about that we needed to end over sentences with "over>'
Jason Hilton 48:53
And these guys came to help us! How nice of them.
Mary Clay Watt 48:58
Okay, we were talking about Dudley's tongue and it's terrible. He's on the floor. He's choking.
Christina Kann 49:04
I'm choking because I've been laughing too hard. Let me take a sip of water.
Mary Clay Watt 49:08
That's so freaky.
Jason Hilton 49:09
Welcome to my life.
Christina Kann 49:12
All right. Where are we?
Mary Clay Watt 49:14
I can't wait. Christina, please tell me when you are editing this if it picks it up.
Jason Hilton 49:21
I hope it doesn't.
Christina Kann 49:21
I'm gonna have to make Sean sit in the room with me while I listen to it because I'm not brave enough.
Mary Clay Watt 49:26
It was around one hour, the one-hour audio.
actual ghost probably 49:30
I'm talking on the mic that came with the radio. Can you hear me?
Mary Clay Watt 49:34
Did you just hear--?
Christina Kann 49:36
He's talking on the mic that came with the radio!
Mary Clay Watt 49:39
"Can you hear me?" is what he said. I wish this was juicier.
Jason Hilton 49:45
I wish I could hear it.
Mary Clay Watt 49:51
Okay. Let's keep going through the chapter.
Christina Kann 49:54
I'm trying to hold it together.
Jason Hilton 49:55
They never talk about anything interesting. I can't even understand them sometimes. Oh, actually, sometimes I think they do know that it happens because I just randomly hear like *incredibly strange sound* like someone making these really weird noises on purpose. I feel like he knows that people can hear him. I don't know. I wish I could find this man.
Christina Kann 50:23
Oh my god, that is too scary.
Mary Clay Watt 50:25
It's so freaky!
Jason Hilton 50:26
I've lived in the house for three years and I wish I could meet this man and just punch him because he's interrupted so many things. It happened on my fucking soundbar for my TV! This fucking guy's voice would come in through it.
Christina Kann 50:40
Have you talked to your neighbors?
Mary Clay Watt 50:42
Have you talked to the FBI?
Christina Kann 50:44
And or the FBI?
Jason Hilton 50:46
No. I've looked into it. I've even got like these clips all over my microphones that are supposed to suppress any signals coming in. And it still doesn't -- it works. It happens less. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. But that's the only thing I've been able to do so far. I think it has something to do with the wiring in my house. It's really old.
Mary Clay Watt 51:07
Oh my god.
Jason Hilton 51:09
I don't know. But it happened to me a few times in my last apartment.
Christina Kann 51:13
Okay, we're haunted. We're haunted and I'm moving on.
Jason Hilton 51:15
It's Halloween. We're spooky.
Mary Clay Watt 51:17
Forge onward; forge onward.
Christina Kann 51:19
Forge onward. So next here's what happens: all hell breaks loose. And Petunia tries to pull Dudley's tongue out of his mouth. Question mark. Why?
Jason Hilton 51:29
Incorrect first aid procedure. If someone has a swollen tongue, don't rip it out.
Christina Kann 51:35
Yeah, that's just like so the wrong move.
Mary Clay Watt 51:37
You need to get it out of -- maybe not try to rip it out, but pull it out.
Jason Hilton 51:40
I don't think she was even aware it was tongue, though. out.
Mary Clay Watt 51:43
Yeah, I think that's what it is. Because they're just like, "He's choking on something. Get it out of his mouth."
Christina Kann 51:49
Ugh. Okay, so Uncle Vernon and Arthur Weasley start like screaming at each other.
Jason Hilton 51:57
It's mostly Vernon screaming.
Christina Kann 51:59
Mary Clay Watt 52:00
And Arthur's like, "I can fix it if you just let me."
Jason Hilton 52:05
But realistically, how can you be calm in this situation at all amd be listening to this dumb ass who blew up in your fireplace and poisoned your son?
Mary Clay Watt 52:14
Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily trust him at this point either.
Christina Kann 52:18
But the thing is that like magic is the only way that this could just be fixed. You know? I would be like, "Yes, fix this and then you can fuck right off."
Jason Hilton 52:27
Christina Kann 52:28
But instead, Uncle Vernon starts throwing pieces of china at Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Weasley starts like zapping them out of the air.
Jason Hilton 52:38
That my favorite fat-shamey line in this entire chapter is "bellowing like a wounded hippo." "Uncle Vernon snatched up another ornament, bellowing like a wounded hippo." That's a new one.
Mary Clay Watt 52:49
Jason Hilton 52:51
He usually gets called a walrus, so she's diversifying a little bit. These were the magic beasts before they were fantastic.
Christina Kann 52:58
So Mr. Weasley yells at Harry to like, just go. So Harry's like, "Yes, I will. I will go."
Jason Hilton 53:06
Mary Clay Watt 53:07
Well, he's debating whatever, and then something goes flying right past his head and like smashes. And he's like, "Okay, bye! See you next summer!"
Christina Kann 53:19
Yeah, literally. And um, that's that. He deuces.
Mary Clay Watt 53:25
That's the end of the chapter. That's it. Should have been combined, I think, with the previous chapter.
Christina Kann 53:31
I completely agree.
Mary Clay Watt 53:33
Especially cuz this is the book where the chapters really start getting long. I don't know if that's just like her formula of they get longer as the book goes on, and so she doesn't like having long chapters towards the beginning of the book.
Christina Kann 53:49
Yeah. We've also talked about different reasons. Maybe some people were starting with this books, since the series was just really starting to get famous when it came out. Or because the other books were so short, they're like, "Okay, don't worry, this is still easy to read," and it's a very slow couple of chapters in the beginning, before gaining momentum really quickly. I totally think that chapters two, three and four should all have been combined into one more concise chapter.
Jason Hilton 54:16
Yeah, like a little slightly condensed chapter. Even though, I mean, some of the details are kind of funny, I suppose. But yeah, just want to get to the tournament.
Christina Kann 54:27
Let's get to the point!
Jason Hilton 54:28
Let's get to the magic Nazis.
Mary Clay Watt 54:32
I was even happy to just get to the Burrow, you know? I'll settle for the Burrow.
Christina Kann 54:39
It's so bananas that this is called Back to the Burrow and we don't --
Jason Hilton 54:45
It's like Back to the Future. They don't go back to the future until the very, very end.
Mary Clay Watt 54:48
The very end, yeah. It's like Desolation of Smaug. Smaug doesn't show up until one hour and 52 minutes.
Jason Hilton 54:53
And he doesn't even get desolated until the next movie.
Mary Clay Watt 54:56
Oh, don't get me started stupid. I have a full probably combined one hours' worth of content just on that,
Jason Hilton 55:09
It really didn't need to be three movies.
Mary Clay Watt 55:11
Don't. I literally have an entire thing is so fucking series of episodes dedicated to this issue.
Jason Hilton 55:16
No I believe you.
Christina Kann 55:20
Hey guys? Hey guys?
Christina Kann 55:21
Christina Kann 55:22
This is actually -- this is the wrong podcast. I don't have anything better to say, though. Does anyone have any final thoughts about this chapter?
Jason Hilton 55:31
It was a slightly horrifying, but . . . meh?
Christina Kann 55:35
It was definitely stressful.
Jason Hilton 55:36
It had the Weasleys, so that's a plus.
actual ghost probably 55:38
*mumble mumble* right down the street.
Jason Hilton 55:41
Oh are they coming back? Dammit.
Christina Kann 55:43
I just like can't get it together.
Jason Hilton 55:45
I don't blame you.
Christina Kann 55:46
Like, I can't endure the ghost voice.
Mary Clay Watt 55:49
This is Jason's blast appearance on the podcast.
Jason Hilton 55:55
Sir, can you please get off this line? We're hosting a Harry Potter podcast, we're trying to be serious.
Mary Clay Watt 56:02
It's a very serious podcast.
Jason Hilton 56:03
It's very professional.
Mary Clay Watt 56:05
A third of this episode was definitely not about me killing a fly.
Christina Kann 56:12
Alright, any final thoughts about this chapter?
Mary Clay Watt 56:15
Jason Hilton 56:15
No. Ghost man was more interesting than this chapter.
Mary Clay Watt 56:18
I just want to add in for next week that one of my favorite favorite parts is when they walk out into the yard, and Bill and Charlie have the tables floating in the air and they're just banging them against each other, just because.
Christina Kann 56:33
Jason Hilton 56:33
I was wondering what that picture was about. I was like, "What happens in the next chapter?" I don't read very often. I don't know how to.
Mary Clay Watt 56:41
That's the end of the episode.
Christina Kann 56:46
No, no, no.
Jason Hilton 56:47
Christina Kann 56:48
Let's move on to plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can join our Discord community and support the podcast.
Mary Clay Watt 57:00
See that picture of the fly!
Christina Kann 57:02
Yeah, exactly. And for the $5 month tier, you get bonus episodes. And this month, we covered My Immortal, the fanfic and its lore. So that was incredibly fun. That was like the most fun I've had -- I love our bonus episodes. So I definitely recommend signing up for our Patreon. Link is in the show notes. Jason, thank you so much for joining us. Where can people find you on the internet?
Jason Hilton 57:30
You can find me on Instagram @picturesofjay and Twitter @picturesofjay90. And you can find all of us at the Movie Night Crew Podcast, where every Sunday we review a different movie. So if you want to hear Tina and Haley and Brooke talk about anything that's not Harry Potter, then you can come, and we talk about a lot of different types of movies. We all just bring in our collective tastes and suggestions and force our friends to watch what we like. And sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, snd sometimes it's really funny. Not to burst my own bubble, but -- wait, that's not the right phrase. Not to toot --
Christina Kann 58:20
Toot your own horn.
Jason Hilton 58:21
Not to toot my own horn, but some episodes have been pretty good so far. I don't know how to advertise myself, by the way.
Christina Kann 58:29
You're doing great.
Mary Clay Watt 58:30
You did a great job.
Jason Hilton 58:30
But something to plug that's not my podcast. If you have HBO Max, I would recommend watching a show called At Home with Amy Sedaris. Do you guys -- are you familiar with that particular comedian?
Mary Clay Watt 58:43
Jason Hilton 58:44
It's like a fake cooking show, but it's like an old-fashioned cooking show from like the 1960s where they teach you how to do everything, but it's like, lame crafts and stuff. It's kind of a sketch show, but Amy Sedaris is really funny. She's a really funny comedian. If you watch Bojack Horseman, she plays the cat manager, that voice.
Christina Kann 59:09
Jason Hilton 59:11
Yeah, so that's her. She just pretends to be this person whose basically entire life is to do this, this cooking show or this home network show, and it's so old-fashioned. She's got a funny accent. She does multiple characters. It's really bizarre sometimes. If you like, kind of like Adult Swim humor sometimes, it's pretty funny. So if you can get HBO Max, there's three seasons of it. And it's a it's a funny sketch show. So that's my plug: At Home with Amy Sedaris.
Christina Kann 59:40
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. That's linked in the show notes. Mary Clay, there you are. Where can people find you on the internet?
Mary Clay Watt 59:47
Yeah, you can listen to That's What I'm Tolkien About wherever you get podcasts. Right now, I'm covering the Hobbit movies. You can follow me on Instagram @mc -- what? What is Instagram handle? Follow me on Instagram @meturndownforwhat and you can follow me on Twitter @mcwattsup. And it's funny you mentioned Bojack because that's what I was gonna plug. I watched Bojack for the first time this summer. I watched the first couple episodes years ago, and I was like, "I am not into this. I'm not feeling this." And then this summer, I was like, "I need to stop watching this same three shows over and over again. I'm going to force myself to watch a new show," and it was Bojack. I finished it and was like, "That was a damn good show. That was really, really excellent. That was amazing." So if you have not watched Bojack, definitely give the first season a try. Power through; it kind of takes a couple episodes to get into the world, get into the characters, and get some of the quippy humor, and also get familiar with the the depressing feelings that you'll get in touch with throughout the season.
Jason Hilton 1:01:13
That is a good post-2020 show.
Christina Kann 1:01:17
I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. I would like to recommend that everyone watch The Way of the House Husband on Netflix. Haley plugged it several months ago, and it's a very silly little anime about this gangster-turned-house-husband who handles all of his housekeeping duties with the same intensity that he handled like, gang activities, like mob activities. And it's very hilarious. They're short little episodes that have like -- they're like bite size; they're not very much substance. But like, fun to watch, you know? Dope! Well Jason, thank you so much for joining us for this most silliest of episodes.
Jason Hilton 1:02:11
Thanks for having me on again.
Christina Kann 1:02:12
Yes. And Mary Clay, there you are. I'm so glad to have you back.
Mary Clay Watt 1:02:17
Hi, I'm here with the remains of the fly sitting next to me still.
Christina Kann 1:02:23
Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading "The Floo and You: Hooking Your Home to the Floo Network" before this book starts throwing china at me. Bye!
Mary Clay Watt 1:02:36
Jason Hilton 1:02:36
That was great.
Christina Kann 1:02:39
The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched.
All righty. It's movie night. Grab your popcorn, grab your coffee. Grab your friend. Grab a cat. And let's go! Who directed this? What year did it come out? Is that that girl from that show? Who wrote this? Was the cat? Who would you rather bang? Does this pass the Bechdel test? What about the Steve Buscemi test? Does a woman literally speak in this movie? Oh my god a dog. This reminds me of in Harry Potter. When Are we recording? What are the critics say? It's a guilty pleasure. What's your rating? Can you be quiet? Oh my god. Movie Night Crew. It's just like watching movies with your friends and then arguing about it after. Every Sunday wherever you get podcasts.
Christina Kann 1:03:49
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/restrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
Christina Kann 1:04:36
Alright, cool, well 1-2-3 byeee.
Cari, Lelia Hilton, trailer, Christina Kann
Christina Kann 00:02
"He held up the envelope in which Mrs. Weasley's letter had come, and Harry had to fight down a laugh. Every bit of it was covered in stamps, except for a square inch on the front, into which Mrs. Weasley had squeezed the Dursleys' address in minute handwriting."
Christina Kann 00:37
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story in its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you so much for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
Christina Kann 00:57
Chapter Three: The Invitation. During breakfast one day, the text's extremely heavy-handed and deplorable fat-shaming is interrupted when Uncle Vernon gets some unusual mail. He brings Harry into the living room to share that Mrs. Weasley has sent a letter asking if Harry can join the Weasleys at the Quidditch World Cup. She has also included approximately 1 million stamps on the envelope because she doesn't know how Muggle mail works, okay? So Harry and Vernon go back and forth a little bit, and finally Harry uses his only leverage to get his way by threatening to write to Sirius Black who the Dursleys think is just an actual escaped guilty convicted murderer who is related to Harry. So yeah, so go Harry well done.
Christina Kann 01:43
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where using too many stamps is literally as bad as murder, you stinking witch! I am tickled pink to be joined today by my most euphonious friend Leila. Say hello to the listeners, Lelia.
Lelia Hilton 02:02
*singing* Hello to the listeners, Lelia.
Christina Kann 02:05
Oh my god, she knows what euphonious means.
Lelia Hilton 02:07
Christina Kann 02:09
I literally googled "word that means good at singing."
Lelia Hilton 02:13
I could have not known what it meant but I just sing everything -- but yeah, I knew what it meant.
Christina Kann 02:17
Well, it's also like euphoric plus like phonetic? Mmm -- moving on. And I am so delighted that our special guest this week is Cari, co-host of Curly Critics over on WBNE. Say hello to the listeners, Cari.
Hi. I'm so excited to be here. I also did not know what that word meant that you said.
Christina Kann 02:38
Yeah, I had no idea.
Christina Kann 02:41
Me neither. I had to Google a word good enough to describe Lelia.
Lelia Hilton 02:47
Please, do go on.
Christina Kann 02:50
So Cari, can you please tell the listeners what your podcast is all about?
Yeah, me and my best friend, Jade, have a podcast where we review things: books, movies, TV shows. Right now, we're going through the Harry Potter books.
Christina Kann 03:05
I was gonna say, they do cover some topics that you might be interested in, dear listener.
We're on book six right now, but our lives got really busy. So we're having to slow down. But that's the goal.
Christina Kann 03:16
Pacing yourself through the Harry Potter books is such a challenge.
Christina Kann 03:22
I mean, y'all like Harry Potter. That's why you're here. I definitely recommend following them on Twitter because they're tweeting some pretty choice Harry Potter takes right now.
I'm just full of them all the time.
Christina Kann 03:34
So what is your Harry Potter history? When did you start reading the books? When did you watch the movie? Like what's going on?
Yeah, so I wasn't allowed to read them growing up, but all of my friends were. So finally I convinced my mom to let me read them when I was like 12. And I read all seven of them in seven days.
Christina Kann 03:56
Oh my god. That's like how the world was created.
I watched the first movie after the first book. Like I finished the first book and then immediately watched the first movie. And then I was like, "I cannot do this again." I just spent the whole movie being like, these are the things that are different. So after I read all of them, I watched all the movies.
Christina Kann 04:14
Right. It's good to have closure on the book series so you can enjoy the films as a totally separate thing. Yeah, getting too into the film discourse is rough because in the end, no matter what your complaints are, I'm gonna watch them.
Christina Kann 04:32
I really enjoy them. But if we're gonna start taking notes, yes, I do have a pretty comprehensive list.
Lelia Hilton 04:40
I feel like, Tina, when the books came out, we were around the same age as the main characters. I don't know, Cari, I'm not sure how old you are. We don't have to talk about it. It's fine.
Much younger than you.
Christina Kann 04:55
I read the original trilogy when they first came out, and I was eight years old.
Lelia Hilton 05:00
Yeah. And I feel like when the movies came out, I was not thinking logically like, "I must finish every book." No, I was just like, I love thing. Thing comes out that I like. Let's watch thing related to thing.
Christina Kann 05:13
Lelia Hilton 05:14
I remember loving it. I was like, "They captured every detail."
Christina Kann 05:18
I do remember having great anxiety before every movie and coming out always generally relieved, you know? Generally like, "Okay, all right. No, that feels good. I feel good about that."
Lelia Hilton 05:29
Yeah, I think the only one I didn't feel that way about was the Order the Phoenix, obviously, but I didn't like the book that much either. Definitely Hallows Part -- Which one of the parts was better than the other?
Christina Kann 05:44
Okay, well, I'm gonna need some clarification on that.
Lelia Hilton 05:47
You cannot have it.
Christina Kann 05:50
So Cari, if you had to sort yourself, what Hogwarts house are you?
Christina Kann 05:57
Okay, we tend to get a lot of Ravenclaws on the show. Don't know why. I guess they like talking about books. What part of the whole Ravenclaw persona do you relate with?
I really love knowledge, love learning. I'm getting my master's right now, so I'm just like, all the school. I just love learning. And I don't like less is really like learning for the application use of it, which is more of a Slytherin thing, getting knowledge and then using it. I'm just like, I want to know things, which is why I think I'm more Ravenclaw than Slytherin.
Christina Kann 06:32
Yes, it's the pursuit of knowledge for knowledge's sake.
Christina Kann 06:37
That's beautiful. I love it. We could do with a little bit more of that perhaos in this book series. So this chapter, what are we doing? It is chapter three of Goblet of Fire, The Invitation. I know I've said this in last week's episode, but it really is so bananas how stupid these first couple of chapters are, considering some of the chapters that happen later in this book that are just so dense.
Lelia Hilton 07:05
So dense. Yeah, I just finished rereading this actually on Sunday. It took me a long time to get through, which was surprising to me, because I feel like as a kid I ripped right through it.
Christina Kann 07:17
It is 735 pages.
Lelia Hilton 07:19
Yeah, but but Cari read it in a day.
No, I cannot do that now. It took me like two weeks to read Goblet of Fire and Order the Phoenix when I did them recently. And I was just like, "How did I do this as a child?"
Lelia Hilton 07:33
How did we? Because I just ripped right through it as well.
Christina Kann 07:36
I am totally with you. I used to read them in like a day. I think part of it is just like a genuine -- not just not having responsibilities as a child, but even furthermore, knowing that there's no weight of the world on you. There's no "I could be doing dishes." It's like, "I am eight years old. And I just all I have to do is read right now."
Lelia Hilton 08:02
Yeah, there's nothing else. You have no other responsibilities.
Christina Kann 08:06
Because honestly, I have been able to read a lot better recently than ever before. And it's because I have the kind of job where you just kind of hang out. And so it takes me kind of back to the good old days where I'm like, "Wow, there's actually kind of nothing else I could be doing right now. Like I'm not home. I can't be doing dishes. I'll just read 400 pages of Harry Potter."
Wow, I want that job.
Christina Kann 08:32
I mean, a Ravenclaw wouldn't be happy in this job for sure. It is not intellectually stimulating. But I have a good time. So it is morning time at the Dursleys' house. We get some pretty strong fat-shaming about Dudley like right away. It's not subtle. I think it's pretty uncomfortable. What do you guys think?
Oh, I don't like it.
Lelia Hilton 09:00
Yeah, it's never been something that I appreciated. I think I thought maybe thought it was funny as a kid the first time she made a fat joke, like maybe the first time.
Christina Kann 09:11
Lelia Hilton 09:11
But then she doesn't -- like she just can't -- Honestly, try to find one sentence about them that doesn't have some kind of fat or hog-shaped or whatever.
Christina Kann 09:22
Lelia Hilton 09:22
There's not one there are other qualities and people even if they're despicable, you know?
Yeah. In this, it goes on for like two, three pages of just talking about how fat Dudley is.
Lelia Hilton 09:32
How fat is he?
Christina Kann 09:34
Yeah, on a narrative level, almost every time she mentions Dudley, she mentions how fat he is. But then also, the plot right now, this chapter, starts with us talking about how he's on a diet.
Lelia Hilton 09:48
A diet, yeah.
Christina Kann 09:49
Because his school nurse has raised concerns, which is super valid, but it's a health concern. Like, I can't imagine a writer making jokes to this extent about hypertension, or diabetes, or some other chronic health concern.
Just the diet itself makes me uncomfortable. This kid is so used to eating so much food and you're giving him like a quarter of a grapefruit. That's not enough food to sustain somebody.
Christina Kann 10:17
It's definitely not enough food. And then also, from what I understand from nutritional science, totally depriving yourself of stuff just make stronger cravings cuz it's like, "Wow, I get nothing now."
Lelia Hilton 10:31
I don't think that's how diets work. I think we can all -- we all have kind of -- at least I've definitely been up and down the road with diets.
Christina Kann 10:38
Wow. Same. That's exactly how I would describe it.
Lelia Hilton 10:40
What is it -- What did Golden Girls? -- *singing* Goin' down the road and back again. */singing* With diets.
Christina Kann 10:48
Lelia Hilton 10:49
Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank "eu." E U.
Christina Kann 10:55
Thank you, phony.
Lelia Hilton 10:56
Thank you, phony. Us! Okay. Oh, God. Okay, I did diets before, but one thing that you never do, you always think like, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, and I'm gonna make myself for breakfast a smoothie." And you're like, "That goes really good." You're like, "I like smoothies. This is yummy." Lunch. "I'm gonna have a kale salad with chicken on it. Okay, like I meal prepped this, I can handle it." And then dinner comes, and you're like, "I'll have chicken and brown rice." And you're like, "I just absolutely will not do that." Or if you do that, you end up -- I would end up eating like a full two sleeves of Oreos.
Christina Kann 11:40
Like, it's fine, because I had this healthy dinner. Yeah, for sure. It's really just the way that this woman correlates the fatness with -- it's like so obviously supposed to be painting him as a bad person.
Lelia Hilton 11:58
Yeah, it's like fat is bad.
Christina Kann 12:00
Yeah. And it's like, he can be a really shitty person and fat in a way that is like, not related.
Lelia Hilton 12:08
Yeah. And I don't know if it's just HER?? I listened to last week's episode. Or if it's like a thing in England, like if body conscious stuff and maybe like curve culture and stuff like that was never . . . I don't know. I just feel like it's really a lot. It's just so much to correlate, like "This is an evil family and look how fucking fat they are." That's like, kind of the tone I get from her. I don't know. I guess we're supposed to hate them.
Christina Kann 12:46
Yeah, it kind of feels just so old-school to me, the way that old-timey like superstitions are like "Oh, well God's cursing them with fatness for being evil."
Lelia Hilton 12:59
Yeah. Oh, man.
Christina Kann 13:04
For some reason in my notes I wrote several specific quotes that I simply will not read, but they all end with WTF in all capitals. So everyone in the family has to be on the same diet as Dudley. So everyone gets -- this is so ridiculous -- a grapefruit quarter per person. Like at least let everyone have their own grapefruit. Come on.
Lelia Hilton 13:30
Yeah, it's a fruit. It's not even sweet fruit.
Christina Kann 13:33
It's like not even good fruit. It's like the punishment fruit. Do you guys like grapefruit?
Lelia Hilton 13:39
Lelia Hilton 13:40
I like grapefruit flavored things.
Christina Kann 13:42
Yeah, me too! Oh my god. The pamplemousse La Croix is my favorite.
Lelia Hilton 13:46
I do love me some pample.
Christina Kann 13:48
Or like a pomona.
Lelia Hilton 13:49
Ooh, what's that? I've had that before.
Christina Kann 13:51
It's a margarita but with grapefruit juice.
Lelia Hilton 13:54
Yeah, I love those.
Christina Kann 13:56
Oh, yeah. Wow, I forgot to confess that I broke the cardinal sin of The Restricted Section and I drank margaritas before recording. We've run into trouble with that before, but I think I'm holding it together pretty well.
Lelia Hilton 14:10
Where did you go? Did you go to that awesome little restaurant that's near you?
Christina Kann 14:15
Lelia Hilton 14:18
Oh, that's a different one. Like Pancho Villa?
Christina Kann 14:20
Are you talking about a little Mexico?
Lelia Hilton 14:23
Christina Kann 14:24
There's a lot of Mexican restaurants. Are you talking about the Annex?
Lelia Hilton 14:27
Christina Kann 14:30
Then I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Lelia Hilton 14:31
It's like one that you that makes good margs and you and Haley go all the time.
Christina Kann 14:35
Um, Little Mexico?
Lelia Hilton 14:36
Christina Kann 14:37
This is not great content. Our listeners mostly don't live here. Cari definitely doesn't live here. That'd be surprising.
Lelia Hilton 14:44
Christina Kann 14:46
Um, yeah. Wow. So Harry is a skinny kid. So his privilege as a skinny kid is that he has a whole stash of sweets upstairs that he got his friends to send him, and he just gets to eat it all. Because he's skinny, and he's the good guy.
Lelia Hilton 15:02
Lelia Hilton 15:04
And he's a most unusual boy!
Christina Kann 15:13
I just feel like it's all an extension of the setup from the last episode. But finally we're about to get to the action because the doorbell rings.
Christina Kann 15:26
Yay indeed. Uncle Vernon answers it, and it's the mailman being like, "Dude, look at this funny letter. Remember, three years ago, when those letters were like attacking you? And like there was owls sending them through your chimney and they were rolled up in the egg cartons or whatever?" Just kidding. The mailman probably didn't know about that. But I do feel like Vernon has mail trauma.
Lelia Hilton 15:52
Oh, for sure.
I feel like the Dursleys are so like, "We have to make sure that we look properly and we don't say the wrong thing." But I feel like none of their neighbors care.
Christina Kann 16:01
Like, the craziest things could happen. And then the Dursleys would just be like, "Oh, no, people are gonna find out!" And their neighbors are just like, "Oh. Okay. Owls."
Christina Kann 16:12
It has literally never occurred to me before that the neighbors might not care.
Lelia Hilton 16:17
Me neither. I'm like "They must because the Dursleys are so concerned."
Christina Kann 16:21
Yeah, yes, exactly. Like, wow, that's my new headcanon, that they're just surrounded by like college students and like, no one gives a shit.
Lelia Hilton 16:30
They're just whatever, man.
Christina Kann 16:33
Wow, that would be very funny. Um, okay, so Uncle Vernon is grumpy now, because of the mail, and he takes Harry into the living room. He reads this letter to Harry. And it's Mrs. Weasley writing to Uncle Vernon very politely to ask if Harry can come visit them and go to the Quidditch World Cup. A couple of things: I probably would have written earlier in the summer. Because it's just like a week away. Right? Or no, it's like, a day away.
Yeah, day away.
Christina Kann 17:13
She has no idea how long Muggle mail takes. Um, so yeah, I probably would have started at the beginning of the summer asking permission, believing that it would have taken some convincing, you know?
Lelia Hilton 17:28
I mean, they're gonna come anyway. So.
Lelia Hilton 17:31
Yeah, well, I don't think there's anything that they could have done to make the Dursleys be like, "You know what? He does deserve this. She said it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Like, heck, let's get little Harry go." Like, that's just not happening.
Christina Kann 17:50
It's very cute. Um, the letter is absolutely covered in stamps. She had to go to the Muggle post office to mail this anyway. Why not just go into the postmaster of Ottery St. Catchpole and ask how to put a stamp on a letter?
Christina Kann 17:54
At the end of the letter, she says "I do hope we've put enough stamps on," and like, she did.
Lelia Hilton 18:00
It's pretty cute.
She spends so much money on stamps. Stamps aren't cheap!
Christina Kann 18:24
Wow, I wonder how many stamps like that would be. probably like 30 stamps... times.... How much do stamps costs? Wait, I'm gonna refer to my stamps. Um, my stamps, just say "forever." Okay, that's useless, dammit. If only there was a math person here. Oh, well, moving on.
Lelia Hilton 18:46
It's funny because they did it to like, be -- they're like, "We must be inconspicuous!" You know? Like, "If I went in there and ask the postmaster, what's his face, how does one apply a stamp?" She was like, "They're going to know! They're gonna know something's off with us. They're gonna find my family." She has a lot at stake. So she's like, "Let's just like -- we know stamps are involved somehow. Let's just cover the sucker. Then the no one will think anything's out of the out of the ordinary."
If anything, she just made a lot of people's days because everybody who held that letter was like, "Wow, this is funny."
Lelia Hilton 19:26
Christina Kann 19:28
I have mailed things to our friends like Mats in Norway, and I feel like Molly Weasley when I'm stamping up those envelopes. I'm like, "Okay, this needs like $5 of stamps to get to Norway." That is very valid that Molly, I'm sure, wants to stay on the DL. But for what it's worth, Molly, my boss asked me literally last week how to prepare an envelope to be mailed. He genuinely had no idea; it was very endearing and ridiculous. Okay, so there's like considerable back and forth between Harry and Vernon. Harry is full sass.
I love that for him.
Lelia Hilton 20:16
Yes, me too.
Christina Kann 20:20
Honestly, Daniel Radcliffe made Harry too... uh...
Lelia Hilton 20:26
Christina Kann 20:28
I was gonna say "placid," right? What does mean?
Lelia Hilton 20:31
Christina Kann 20:32
No! Not flacid! Define placid -- with a p! It means "not easily upset or excited." Yes, it's the word I was looking for. He's just very milquetoast in the films. But little Harry's so sassy in these books.
Lelia Hilton 20:54
Christina Kann 20:55
And finally he uses Sirius Black as a threat. So Vernon gives him permission, because he's like, "You have a convict godfather. And that is alarming to me."
Lelia Hilton 21:10
I mean, at least he has something he can use to get basic necessities or not be killed.
I feel like nothing makes Sirius happier than knowing that he's being used as blackmail against Harry's aunt and uncle. Molly's letter talks about like, "I'm sure Harry's told you about this." Does she just not know that Harry has a horrible home life with the Dursleys? Like I feel like she should know that.
Lelia Hilton 21:41
Does he ever get into it with them? I can tell by her behavior -- well, no, that's because of what happens later in this chapter. No. I mean, I feel like Harry hasn't said anything.
But in Chamber of Secrets, they literally came and rescued him. So Ron at least knows what's going on.
Christina Kann 21:57
I think Ron knows what's going on. I think he probably doesn't realize this is textbook abuse and other adults should be intervening, because Ron is a little dense. So I feel like Molly has only gathered some of it, but also, she's not in a good position to do anything other than wait for something bad to happen. You know what I mean?
Lelia Hilton 22:22
Christina Kann 22:23
It's a bad position to be in. And honestly, if I were in Molly Weasley's position, I would probably misbehave more about it. If a child that I loved was getting abused, I'd go murder somebody.
Or at least break him out every summer.
Lelia Hilton 22:39
Yeah, be like "We know you hate him. We invite Harry to stay with us every summer."
Christina Kann 22:45
Here's the thing: Dumbledore insists that for the love magic, okay to like, carry on--
I hate it.
Christina Kann 22:54
Yeah. Harry has to go home every summer. He has to go be with blood every summer.
Yeah but for how long?
Christina Kann 23:04
Exactly! "Can I just shake her hand and be on my way?" like, Why does he have to be there all summer?
But then he doesn't. Later on, he's there for like two weeks and then he leaves.
Christina Kann 23:17
Yes! Why isn't there some alternative? But it's like, "Oh, we just have to trust Dumbledore because he said this is how it has to go."
Never trust Dumbledore.
Christina Kann 23:32
Absolutely not. I was out of town at a wedding this last weekend, so I was staying at a hotel, and I got cable for the first time in like five years. Obviously, they were doing a Harry Potter marathon, because that's what cable does.
Lelia Hilton 23:49
Christina Kann 23:50
And I was getting ready for this wedding, so I was watching it so half-assedly. And it was books six and seven. And it was so dramatic, so intense. Sean -- bless his heart -- my husband, Sean, was asking me these questions. And I was like, "I certainly don't have the time to get into this right now." He was being like, "Wait, but Snape is really a bad guy. Right? And they they didn't know all along?" And I'm like, "I can't even begin to engage in this philosophical discussion with you. I'm curling my hair."
It depends on how you define a "bad guy."
Christina Kann 24:31
Exactly. That's exactly why I don't casually watch movies six through eight. I either have to watch them the way that I watch Hamilton, with like, my entire soul. Or not at all. I can't just be casually watching the later movies.
Lelia Hilton 24:54
Well, yeah, they're so heavy. I remember I was at the beach with my family. I was at the Outer Banks with my family one year when Deathly Hallows Part One came out. I went to go see that with my cousin who's five years younger than me, and she was like "You guys are so into this Harry Potter! Maybe I'll start!" And she started with Deathly Hallows Part 1. For whatever reason I was like, "Hell yeah! You'll love it!" and on the way there I'm like, "So this is what happens until then."
Christina Kann 25:29
Oh my god! That is simply not the recommended path.
Lelia Hilton 25:32
No. She was like, "Are you crying?" I was like "Yes!"
Christina Kann 25:38
You reminded me -- this is not entirely related -- but you reminded me that I have this traumatic memory of also watching a movie with family at the Outer Banks. I have a pretty lame uncle, and he was like pretty drunk at the Outer Banks while we were watching Catching Fire. It might have been the first time I had ever seen it, or maybe it was my first time since it had been in theaters, but I was very engaged and watching it so intensely, and the whole room was just quiet and watching Catching Fire. Except for my drunk-ass uncle kept being like, "Wait, wait, wait, is that Jennifer Lawrence?" He asked it like 15 times out the movie. "Wait, wait, wait, who? Wait, what is she doing?" Through the whole movie! "Can you just yeah, go drink your Red Stripes somewhere else?"
Christina Kann 26:31
Okay. Wow, where even Where are we? Harry is like skipping happily up to his room. Hedwig is back. She wasn't there in the last chapter. The last chapter had absolutely nothing going on in it, including Hedwig wasn't even there. Pig--Pigwidgeon -- Ooh, I've never said that one a lot before. Pidwidgeon?
That sounds right.
Lelia Hilton 26:59
Yeah. Because they call him Pig, right?
Christina Kann 27:01
Yeah, Pig. That's a really cute name for like a tiny little owl.
Lelia Hilton 27:05
Christina Kann 27:07
A cat named Pig would be really cute.
Lelia Hilton 27:11
But it would have to be a skinny cat because if it was fat then that you would just be like HER??
It would be an evil cat.
Christina Kann 27:23
My adorable chubby cat Penny, I think, would be an adorable Pig.
Lelia Hilton 27:27
She would. She's not like chonk.
Christina Kann 27:30
She's not morbidly obese, but she's definitely a lump if I've ever seen one.
Christina Kann 27:36
Yeah, a little potate.
Christina Kann 27:37
Yeah, a potate. A tater tot. So Pigwidgeon is there with a follow up letter from Ron. I really think they waited a week for a response and they didn't hear one because they hadn't even gotten the letter yet because Muggle mail is slow. So I think he was like, "Well, it's been a while. I might as well send a follow up letter."
But the letter also makes it seem like he wrote that as soon as they got the tickets.
Christina Kann 28:04
Oh, yeah, no, you're right.
I read it and I was like, "How fast is the Muggle mail?" Or maybe it's just how slow Pig is.
Christina Kann 28:13
He tries so hard. I love him. He's one of my favorite characters, I think. I just love people who try so hard. But they're in the country. I feel like Muggle mail couldn't go that fast.
Lelia Hilton 28:28
Yeah, no, absolutely not. That was a little bit of a bloop. A little bit of a blooper. Bloop her.
Christina Kann 28:39
That one was rough, but I laughed heartily at it, so I guess it was good.
Lelia Hilton 28:44
Christina Kann 28:45
So Ron makes it clear that they're planning to come get Harry on Sunday no matter what.
Christina Kann 28:56
There's not a lot going on in this chapter. I'm trying to stretch it out. Well, so this is kidnapped. This is like a planned kidnap.
Is it kidnapping if Harry goes willingly?
Christina Kann 29:10
I think technically yes if his guardians say no.
Well, they said yes. So it's fine.
Christina Kann 29:16
Yes, indeed. It's silly that they don't even mention how they're going to come get him. And also Harry doesn't wonder how they're going to come get them.
Lelia Hilton 29:29
Oh, sorry. I accidentally started reading it again.
Is this the one where they come through the fireplace in the next chapter? That would have been important to know. You probably should have mentioned that.
Christina Kann 29:42
I guess they just like can't fathom a home without an actual ongoing fire in the hearth at all times in case Amos Diggory needs to drop by to talk about Mad-Eye Moody or whatever.
Lelia Hilton 29:55
The Floo Network feels like such a invasion of privacy all the time.
Lelia Hilton 30:00
Yeah, that's fucked up.
It's not like somebody's knocking at your door. They just show up.
Christina Kann 30:06
Yeah, I wonder if there's any security in the Floo Network, if there's anything to be done if you don't wish for visitors. Or can you like block someone?
Lelia Hilton 30:19
I think you would just have to block everyone or have it open for everyone. I think those are your only two options.
So don't make any enemies.
Lelia Hilton 30:28
Yeah, not even one.
Or just don't have friends, if you have an enemy.
Christina Kann 30:35
It just would be such a nightmare in the Weasley household, for example, because they would need to have it on because he has a ministry job. And they have a lot of things going on. They would need to always let people come in. But there's so much going on that someone could just straight come into your home and it might be that no one notices, you know?
Lelia Hilton 30:54
That's the real reason Harry has to stay at the Dursleys', because they don't have working Floo Network, so Voldemort just can't come in and kill Harry in his home.
Christina Kann 31:06
Oh my god. Wait a goddamn second. I mean, like what, in later books, prevents Voldemort from just stepping into the Floo Network and stepping out in your living room and murdering you? And then stepping back into the fireplace? I'm so confused!
Lelia Hilton 31:24
That's a pretty big -- that's a pretty big hole there.
Christina Kann 31:28
Wow. Wow, what do I even do with this information? Voldemort, I got a plan for you. Okay, great. So Ron's like "Yeah, we're coming to get you. Don't even worry about it. Hermione is coming and I invited her first, it's no big deal. Don't read into that." Hermione spends a lot of time at the Weasleys' considering that she is an only child who got like swept away into this world of like magic. I feel like my parents never would have permitted that.
No, not for that amount of time. You don't see her for the entire year, and then she comes home for like two weeks in the summer, and then is like, "I have to go again." And she's lying to them because there's no way she's actually telling them what's happening.
Lelia Hilton 32:21
Yeah. How does that work with Hermione's parents? Do they know she's a wizard? A witch? Sorry.
Christina Kann 32:29
Yes, they do. They I mean, I think you need parental consent -- god, I hope so. But also, we saw her parents in Diagon Alley in Prisoner of Azkaban.
Lelia Hilton 32:41
Christina Kann 32:41
So they definitely know. I think that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, possibly wined and dined Mr. and Mrs. Granger, and were like, "Hey, our kids are friends. I know this must be hard for you. We're here to answer any questions." I like to think that there's a friendship there that we just don't get to see.
That would be nicer than Hermione doesn't tell them anything that happens at school and just comes up with excuses every summer to leave.
Christina Kann 33:08
Although, there's no way she's telling the truth, because then she'd have to come home and be like, "Oh, yeah, my friend Harry almost died because Voldemort was growing on the back of this guy's head."
Christina Kann 33:19
Oh, THAT truth. Surely she doesn't tell them all that. "Wow, all of my teachers are trying to kill everybody. There was a werewolf."
"I spent like two months petrified."
Lelia Hilton 33:33
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Christina Kann 33:35
Wow, I actually completely forgot about that. And we talked about that a lot at the time, when we covered it on the pod, like, the parents aren't being informed. What if someone else has mandrake potion? Just ready? and we don't even have to wait for the mandrakes to grow?
Lelia Hilton 33:57
Like someone in the ministry.
Christina Kann 33:58
Yeah. Like literally anyone. Maybe they grow in the wild. Whatever. Okay, we can't do this.
Lelia Hilton 34:05
We're past that book.
Christina Kann 34:06
We're reading Ron's letter. Basically, the only other thing Ron says is that Percy has started a job with the Ministry of Magic. And Ron is like, "Please literally don't even mention it because I cannot stand to hear him speak of it."
Lelia Hilton 34:21
Yeah, they're so mean to Percy.
Christina Kann 34:24
Percy is a gigantic prick.
Lelia Hilton 34:27
Yeah, I know.
But they don't help the situation. It was almost inevitable with how they treat him.
Lelia Hilton 34:33
Exactly. How is he not supposed to act like what they project him to be?
He's also the only sibling to not have a partner.
Lelia Hilton 34:41
Yeah, it's so sad.
So he's just like on his own.
Lelia Hilton 34:45
Well, Ginny. Well, she's a girl, so she doesn't count.
But Ginny and Ron are close enough in age that they can hang out together.
Lelia Hilton 34:53
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Christina Kann 34:56
Yeah. Aw, that is a little tragic. But also, be a better friend and maybe you'll have better friends. Whatever happened to Penelope Clearwater? Percy and Penelope Clearwater is like a thing in Chamber of Secrets right because Ginny saw the making out or whatever.
*suggestively* Or whatever.
Christina Kann 35:21
And then in Prisoner of Azkaban, we were wondering on the pod, did he dump Penelope Clearwater so he can focus on being Head Boy and getting all his NEWTs or whatever? But she popped up again. But I think in this book, finally, he has fully ditched her to pursue his career because we don't hear about her again.
Poor Penelope. Maybe she ditched him.
Christina Kann 35:49
Wow, I wonder if Harry Potter dot wiki dot whatever has a career listed for her? Oh my god, I read this wrong. Oh my god. I'm skimming through Penelope Clearwaters' page, and I read it wrong. It says, "Sadly, she did not end up marrying her Hogwarts boyfriend, as Percy eventually married a woman named Audrey and had two children with her." But I read it as "Penelope did not end up marrying Percy because she eventually married a woman named Audrey and had two children with her," and I was like WHAT? RIP, that did not happen. It doesn't have a career listed for her. Oh, well. She surely ditched him.
Lelia Hilton 35:50
I feel like that's more likely.
She's very successful.
Lelia Hilton 36:40
Christina Kann 36:42
Like many a high school relationship ends, she probably was like, "You should grow up a little bit. Call me later when that happens." I think that some of these characters are so serviced by the films. Obviously we've talked at length about how Snape is like -- Alan Rickman does so much for that character. But some characters, the films -- kind of like we were talking about with Harry -- it takes some layers away. And I think Percy was one of those people that the films turned into just like a straight-up caricature. He has next to no lines. He pretty much only matters in the first movie because he's like "First years, this way!" or whatever. And he has such an arc in the books. I wish we could see more of Percy. You know what I want? I want to see Percy hanging out with Bill and Charlie and no one else. Like what is going on there? Because when they go to the Quidditch World Cup, the kids and Arthur go ahead, and Percy, Bill, and Charlie can Apparate so they come later. And what are they talking about while they're hanging out the three of them?
I feel like Percy would be really quiet around them. Because Bill and Charlie are big personality, really cool guys, and then there's Percy.
Christina Kann 38:09
I feel like they're nice to him but maybe a lot for him.
Lelia Hilton 38:15
Or he is a lot for them.
Christina Kann 38:22
I totally agree. I don't think he would act the same way when these two people, I think, more than anyone, see you exactly for what you are. I don't think there's nearly as much bragging and grandiose -- Percy the Prefect. So anyway, he works at the Ministry. Don't mention it. Harry sends his little RSVP back to Ron. And he adds a little addendum to his letter to Sirius Black. He's like, "If you want to contact me, I'll be at Ron's house." Not that -- I mean, these magical birds can find Sirius just like vaguely south, so I'm sure they can find Harry at Ron's house.
I've always wondered about that. How the birds know where to go.
Christina Kann 39:13
I don't know.
Lelia Hilton 39:13
Yeah, I know. Well, even in real life, like how the fuck do carrier pigeons work? What kind of sorcery is that? How big can their brains even be?
Christina Kann 39:25
I don't know. Maybe it's like their number one imperative, you know?
Lelia Hilton 39:29
Yeah, it is crazy -- you already talked about in the last chapter -- that Sirius sent Harry's letter with a tropical bird. Which to me implies that he just like found a nearby bird and was like, "Go! Fly this to my godson!" And the bird is like a *squawk* and like did it.
Christina Kann 39:56
Let's say he's in Brazil. Does he go to a Brazilian wizarding village and seek out a post office? A magical post office? Or does he just like go into the woods and try to convince this toucan--
Do all birds have the ability to carry these letters? Or is it just like magical birds?
Christina Kann 40:23
Or birds of a certain size and intelligence. Not a parakeet, but like, a flamingo? Sure.
Lelia Hilton 40:31
The flamingo -- they did to kind of describe it like a flamingo, right?
Christina Kann 40:35
Lelia Hilton 40:35
That's crazy to me. That is not what I would have thought by "tropical bird."
Christina Kann 40:39
They're not like a good flyer, are they?
I didn't even realize flamingos could fly.
Lelia Hilton 40:45
How funny would it be if they were flightless birds?
I think -- Wait, okay. This is the third time we've had to Google something. Are flamingoes flightless? No. The answer is no, they can fly. I watched a lot of nature documentaries and I've never seen a flamingo fly in those. I've only seen them walk back and forth in the little swamp like idiots. So I'll believe flamingos can fly when I see it.
Lelia Hilton 41:20
So Hedwig is like, "Bye, I know exactly where Sirius Black is. I got this. Don't even worry about it." Didn't she just get there? Hedwig like just rolled up after like days of being missing I think. And then he's like, "Okay, bitch, go."
Lelia Hilton 41:48
To a long journey.
Christina Kann 41:50
Yeah, let her chill overnight or whatever.
Lelia Hilton 41:53
There's no time.
Christina Kann 41:54
There's no time. So then Harry eat some cake. And is like, "I'm a luck, luck, lucky boy." And that's how the chapter ends. Lelia, what was your favorite part of this chapter?
Lelia Hilton 42:10
I thought Mrs. Weasley's letter was very sweet and cute. I loved the bit with the stamps all over it. I thought that was quite delightful. I was like, "Aw, more magic versus Muggle mishaps." We love to see it. Yeah, that's really what stood out to me. What about you, Cari?
I liked when Harry gets the permission to go, and he like walks up to Dudley and he's like, "That was an excellent breakfast, wasn't it?" I love it when Harry sasses Dudley.
Lelia Hilton 42:43
Because Dudley has no brain cells, so he can't even come up with a comeback.
Christina Kann 42:48
Yes. There's that legendary moment -- Oh, man. I forgot the joke though -- I always get myself into these situation. When he's like, something about practicing swirlies on Harry, and then Harry's like, "I'm not sure the toilet has ever had anything as gross as your head in it," or whatever. That's the thing, Harry can be sassy to Dudley and we can come to hate him through that lens rather than you're describing him as a disgusting person.
Lelia Hilton 43:18
Yeah, we can hate him because he's cruel and mean and dumb, versus he's all of those things because he's fat. Almost it kind of seems like that.
Christina Kann 43:31
It just seems like she ran out of descriptors for the Dursleys. And it's just like, "I'll just keep using this whale analogy." And the fact that Vernon Dursley's least face is purple over and over again.
Lelia Hilton 43:43
His "piggy eyes." What the fuck are "piggy eyes"?
Christina Kann 43:46
Luckily, that's something that gets kind of lost in translation in the films because they cast -- I mean, no child -- I've never seen a child in my life that is wider than he is tall, which is how they describe him.
Lelia Hilton 44:00
That's a cartoon character.
Christina Kann 44:01
Yeah, so they had to get a regular, normal-sized boy to play him and I'm glad for that. He's shitty just because he shitty in the movies.
Lelia Hilton 44:11
Yeah, I feel like I've seen that actor in other things recently, and I'm like, "Dudley, what you doing?"
Christina Kann 44:16
He's making a comeback. He's been in some cool shit. He was in The Old Guard. That was such a good movie.
Lelia Hilton 44:21
Christina Kann 44:22
Well, and also The Queen's Gambit.
Lelia Hilton 44:27
That's what I saw him in. Right, right.
Christina Kann 44:29
I mean, he's great. He's great now that he's -- you know, every child actor has to kind of like break free of that role. That one defining role.
Lelia Hilton 44:40
Yeah, some are unable to or you know, may grow up and find that they're not talented. *coughing* EMMA *coughing* But, um, you know, that's just one man's opinion.
Christina Kann 44:52
My favorite part of this chapter was probably reading Ron's letter because I really love Ron. Every time I read the series, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, Ron is great!" And I get really defensive of him because the films do him so dirty. Just imagine Ron. Imagine the kinds of things he's interested in. Imagine him trying to sit down and do homework. But then, imagine him sitting down and lovingly writing a letter to Harry. It makes me so happy. And he's such a little cutie, and his little letter is so cute.
Lelia Hilton 45:29
Yeah, their friendship is developed so nicely, all three of them. Well, not Hermione really. But Harry and Ron are developed so nicely in the books. And they do just kind of make him seem like the joke, I feel like -- like the punch line, a little bit in the movies.
Christina Kann 45:45
Brooke recently shared in our Discord server a really excellent video that broke down -- I mean, I think we all can agree that Ron was done dirty in the movies. But it's such a big issue that it's hard to get into it further than that. They just failed him at every turn. So this video took the time to really break down all the different ways in which the writers insisted on serving the narrative rather than his character. I'll put a link to that in the show notes because it was great. I never watch videos. I hate being shown videos. Don't send them to me. And this was a 35-minute-long YouTube video, but I just watched it, and I was there for every moment of it. #justiceforRon. Okay, cool. Any last thoughts about this chapter before we wrap it on up?
Christina Kann 46:18
I thought the description of Harry's clothes, that were Dudley's clothes -- I had never realized before how big they were on him.
Lelia Hilton 46:50
It had to be folded up five times.
A sweatshirt went all the way down past his knees.
Christina Kann 46:56
That is like so ridiculous to even imagine.
Can't you shrink those with magic? Harry can't because he is underage, but when he goes to the Burrow, can't he be like, "Hey, can you make these fit?"
Christina Kann 47:12
Wow. Yes. And probably Molly Weasley is the kind of person who would just do it for him without -- "Sweetie, come over here. We're gonna fix your clothes. Okay?" Yeah, these little details are cute, but then they never get brought up again. And it's like, "Wait, this doesn't actually track in the greater narrative.
Did you realize that you made a magical system where you can do anything with magic?
Christina Kann 47:36
Exactly. That's why, in our last episode, we were wondering whether or not Sirius Black had a wand at this point. If he has a wand when he's in hiding. Later in the books, he comes back from south from Brazil, and it's not clear if he has a wand. But he is super hungry and desperate and raggedy looking. And he definitely, I think, could have done better with a wand.
Lelia Hilton 48:07
Like, why are you starving on the streets, bro?
Well, even if you had a wand, you can't like transfigure your food. So he would have to steal it.
Christina Kann 48:17
You can like -- what's the word? -- like multiply it? They do it in Deathly Hallows a little bit.
Christina Kann 48:24
So he could like multiply one family's meal, and it's like fine. They get less nutrition in their meal or whatever, for this meal alone. But I get to eat, you know? I think he could have been more creative and done more things if he had a wand.
Christina Kann 48:40
But maybe the only way to get a toucan to deliver -- I mean a flamingo. Flamingo, right, is what we decided?
Lelia Hilton 48:48
Christina Kann 48:49
Is to have a wand and like magic them.
Also, how did he get to wherever he was? Brazil or whatever.
Lelia Hilton 48:59
Yeah, I was thinking that too.
Did he swim?
Christina Kann 49:01
No, he took Buckbeak! Over the ocean!
Lelia Hilton 49:05
That's kind of nuts.
Christina Kann 49:07
I mean, surely, surely, he must have gone up through Greenland and down the coast. There's no way he just sailed straight over the Atlantic. Is there?
I don't think so.
Christina Kann 49:21
We don't know how fast hippogriff can go, I guess.
Lelia Hilton 49:25
Yeah, but that's insane. Like over an ocean? Your bird cannot stop to eat or drink or stop flying.
Christina Kann 49:36
You just gotta like piss off the side of the hippogriff into the ocean.
Lelia Hilton 49:40
It would hit you in the face.
Christina Kann 49:45
Okay, all right, I'm wrapping it up. Let's move on to some plugs. I would love to start our little plug session by plugging our Patreon. This month's bonus episode just dropped this past Saturday, and it covered My Immortal, the legendary Harry Potter fan fiction. That episode was extremely good. I recommend it with my whole heart. So please check out our Patreon, which is linked in the show notes. Cari, where can people find you on the internet?
You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @carissazwerg. You can find me on TikTok @carizwerg. You can check out my podcast, Curly Critics Pod, on all the socials.
Christina Kann 50:37
Hell yeah, I love their show so much. Obviously, I love all of our WBNE -- I call you guys cousins, you know? Like we're doing the same thing, just next to each other. Yeah, Curly Critics is covering Harry Potter right now, and it's such a good time. So I highly recommend it. Do you have something you've been watching, reading, listening to, whatever lately that you think that listeners of our podcast would enjoy?
Yeah, I want to plug the show Lucifer on Netflix. It's a crime show where the devil comes to LA and befriends a detective and they solve crimes together, and then heavenly shenanigans ensue.
Christina Kann 51:21
Lelia Hilton 51:23
That's like, um, what's the David Tenant show?
Christina Kann 51:25
Lelia Hilton 51:26
Yeah, Good Omens.
Christina Kann 51:29
Heavenly shenanigans. Put that on my tombstone.
The last season is coming out September 10.
Christina Kann 51:37
So it came out this past weekend from when this show airs.
Christina Kann 51:43
A little look behind the curtain, guys. We record this in the past. Awesome. Thank you so much. Leila, where can people find you on the internet?
Lelia Hilton 51:54
Hello, I'm Lelia. You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @leelz4realz. You can find me on Sunday nights with some of my friends doing another podcast, which is what I'm going to plug this week! Yay. I am plugging the Movie Night Crew, our network's namesake. It is just me and Tina and a handful of our friends watching films. There's no rhyme or reason. We literally spin a wheel many times, and what it lands on, we watch. And then afterwards, we have a conversation about them. Sometimes we end up roasting the film the entire time, many times we do. It is bawdy and dirty and fun. And it's a great time. Lovingly produced by my husband, whose name is Jason.
Christina Kann 52:55
And he will actually be on next week's episode.
Lelia Hilton 52:58
Oh, yeah. Well dang. Yeah. He puts a lot of care into taking out all of our "like, what, um," and all of our awkward silences.
Christina Kann 53:09
It's just crazy how many times I tell people they can't eat while we're recording. It just happens anyway.
Lelia Hilton 53:16
Like, "You know what I should do right now? Chow down on a sandwich." Anyway, yeah, check us out, if you like this podcast, especially, you may recognize some of your Potter friends and get to hear him in a different type of environment, but also very similar.
Christina Kann 53:34
If you listen to this podcast, and you're like, "Wow, I like it, but it could be a little more chaotic."
Lelia Hilton 53:42
Have we got a show for you!
Christina Kann 53:46
Well, thank you so much for your lovely plug. Not that I'm biased. I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter at @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week, I would like to recommend Cadence of Hyrule, which is a game for the Nintendo Switch -- maybe other platforms, I don't know -- but definitely the Nintendo Switch. It is a Legend of Zelda universe game that incorporates literally EDM. It's like two of my favorite things. As you're moving around this map, you have to move to the beat. It's extremely fun. My husband, Sean, is a DJ, and we're both Legend of Zelda enthusiasts. It was an extremely fun, not really that hard game. It's not nearly as involved or plot-oriented as other Legend of Zelda games. It's a total Nintendo vibe. I really recommend that. So wow, Lelia, thank you so much for coming on and chatting with us today.
Lelia Hilton 54:52
Christina Kann 54:54
And Cari, we are so grateful for you being our special guest today. It was an absolute pleasure to finally meet you and to get to talk about Harry Potter, which we've both been talking about separately a lot lately.
Yeah, it was so much fun to be here.
Christina Kann 55:07
Hell yeah, and I hope we can get you back on for another chapter of Order of the Phoenix.
Yeah, another really long book.
Christina Kann 55:16
Really long and really depressing, so we'll take all the friendship we can get to get through it. Awesome. All right, gang. I gotta go finish reading "Muggle Mail for Beginners" before this book folds itself into a paper airplane and flies away. Bye!
Christina Kann 55:37
The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, the Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched.
All righty. It's Movie Night. Grab your popcorn, grab your coffee. Grab your friend. Grab a cat. And let's go. Who directed this? What year did it come out? Is that that girl from that show? Who wrote this? Where's the cat? Who would you rather bang? Does this pass the Bechdel test? What about the Steve Buscemi test? Does a woman literally speak in this movie? Oh my god, a dog. This reminds me of in Harry Potter, when-- Are we recording? What do the critics say? It's a guilty pleasure. What's your rating? Can you be quiet? Oh my god. Movie Night Crew. It's just like watching movies with your friends and then arguing about it after. Every Sunday wherever you get podcasts.
Christina Kann 56:46
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/therestrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour Hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also, feel free to shoot us an email at email@example.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
Lelia Hilton 57:30
*singing* Hello to the listeners, Lelia.
My Immortal Drinking Game
Sam O'Brien, Andrew Whatshisface, Christina Kann
Christina Kann 00:02
"I'm okay, mainly because the Dursleys are terrified you might turn up and turn them all into bats if I asked you to. A weird thing happened this morning, though. My scar hurt again. Last time that happened it was because Voldemort was at Hogwarts. But I don't reckon he can be anyone near me now, can he? Do you know if curse scars sometimes hurt years afterward? I'll send this with Hedwig when she gets back. She's off hunting at the moment. Say hello to Buckbeak for me. -Harry"
Christina Kann 00:56
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way the story and its themes have a state of the generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today. Chapter Two, the scar. Oh, Harry Potter is a most unusual boy who has a very strange scar. And he goes to a very unusual school. And if you look around his room, you'll see the most unusual things. Anyway, he sent Sirius a letter saying his scar hurted.
Christina Kann 01:44
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where nightmares are real! Get used to it! I'm delighted to be joined today by my enthusiastic friend, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew.
Christina Kann 01:56
Hey, and I'm so stoked that our special guest today is Sam O'Brien, host of our pod sib, Content and Capable! Say hello to the listeners, Sam.
Sam O'Brien 02:05
Why hello there.
Christina Kann 02:07
We are so glad that you're here! In case there's any chance in hell that a listener of The Restricted Section has no idea what Content and Capable is -- which, I don't think that's possible. I've made a lot of announcements about it. Tell us a little bit about your podcast and what you do over there.
Sam O'Brien 02:20
Content and Capable is a podcast -- kind of like, you know, your typical adulting podcast that you see everywhere. But instead of trying to give practical solutions, I sit down and chat to people who've got interesting stories or hobbies or stuff and talk about how they're living an adult life, but also enjoying life as well and feeling content with their hobbies or their jobs and things like that. So it's a really great time, and we chat about a whole bunch of things.
Christina Kann 02:55
Yeah, if you haven't listened before, might I recommend starting with maybe the episode that I guested on about book publishing and podcasting? I'll link that in the show notes for everyone. We're so glad you're here, Sam. Especially because we really need some help getting through this chapter.
Tina, whatever could you mean?
Christina Kann 03:16
Okay, well, Andrew, why don't you just go ahead and give us your first impression reaction of this chapter? As you were reading it, what were you feeling? What were you thinking? What was running through your mind?
I mean, I guess the only the only real answer to that is nostalgia. Because not only have I been in this chapter before, but this chapter has existed in every Harry Potter book ever made. So I've been in this chapter many times. Now it has different flavors, it has different little side characters that will come up. This one has an interesting bird. But you know, it's the first Harry Potter chapter of the Harry Potter book, where we learn about his unusualness and his boyishness.
Christina Kann 03:56
And Sam, I realized that I forgot to ask you to tell us a little bit about your Harry Potter history.
Sam O'Brien 04:01
Well, my older cousins read a lot of Harry Potter. In fact, when they came and babysat me, they would always have a Harry Potter book on hand. And I was always intrigued but never really got into it. And my mother has this rule still, that you could only read the book at what age Harry was. Because she kind of understands that they get darker towards the end. So you needed to be a little bit older to fully grapple with that, at least in her opinion.
Christina Kann 04:26
Sam O'Brien 04:27
And so I did so I read it once a year, when I was 11 through to about 16. I got to the sixth book and never read the Deathly Hallows.
Oh my god.
Sam O'Brien 04:43
I'm so sorry.
Well, it's been a great episode, y'all. So we're just gonna go ahead and...
Sam O'Brien 04:51
I actually struggled because I read so much as a child, my mother had to ban us from reading through the school term. And so by the time gotten around to picking up the next Harry Potter book, the school term ha already started. So I just never got around to like reading it. So I struggled through book five and six -- was just real hard to get through. And then I got to book seven, and I was 17, it was my final year of high school. And I just didn't have the time. I did try to listen to the audiobook. But at that point, I was listening to so many podcasts that I just couldn't handle another audio based thing. I have watched the movies, though, and I had this very interesting discussion with my mother this morning about how crap the Deathly Hallows movies are as compared to the books.
Christina Kann 05:43
It's crazy. They like made it into two movies, but it's still lost so many shades of meaning. I don't know. I can relate to -- my parents too had to restrict my reading sometimes to get me tp focus on other stuff. So that's very funny. What Hogwarts house are you?
Sam O'Brien 06:00
I am a Ravenclaw. Although sometimes I like to have main character vibes and will sometimes just go "Yeah, I'll be a Gryffindor for today."
Christina Kann 06:10
Oh my god, I love that answer. And I feel like I relate to that too. Sometimes you gotta buck up and be a Gryffindor. You know what I mean? Dope. Well, um, so what are your gut reactions to this chapter? I can't even like say it with a straight face.
You have two minutes to respond. You must use all two minutes. That is a minimum not a maximum.
Christina Kann 06:32
We're not doing that.
Sam O'Brien 06:33
This is the weird thing about this whole chapter: We started off, you know, the last chapter with is really great, almost like a murder mystery plot. And we get back to this. And it's like, Why the fuck is this chapter here? We started with a really great start. And we just go on, "Yeah, now we're just going to spend the next 50 pages explaining who Harry Potter is." My first note, actually, is "Book Three Harry has entered the chat," because it reads so much like the first three books, but nothing really like the later half of the fourth book, where things get a little bit more complicated. And there's a lot of about, you know, bullshit that's happening. This is like almost a repeat of Book Three. Obviously, there's some interesting stuff that happened that we'll discuss later. But it's nothing really notable.
Christina Kann 07:27
Yeah, the beginning of this book is pretty bullshit heavy. We come out strong with the first chapter, and then the next two chapters are kind of nothing. And then we get to go to the Quidditch World Cup. And then there's like two more chapters of nothing. There's like, Let's sit around the Burrow, let's get on the train. I think it's that they wanted to give us the magic of every little detail of the first couple books, but it's like, honestly, we don't need the train, right? Let's get there, we got stuff to do.
I might be wrong here, but this is the first one that I really remember being like a big, big deal. When the fourth book came out was the first time that I remember there being a midnight release. So I think what it might have been, too, is that might have been a publishing decision where they were like, "There might be a bunch of kids that are reading this and that've never read one, two and three, but they hear about number four, and they want to get it." Because that's the only explanation. Because I'll be honest, it feels like she's phoning it in here. It really feels like she had a list of things that she wanted to accomplish. And she just lazy went like bom, bom, bom, bom. There's points where it almost feels like like a fanfiction or something. It feels like it's not written by a real author. It just feels poor, clunky, and blergh. Maybe it's just being critical. I think what happened is she probably wrote the beginning chapter the way that we know it, right? The second and third chapter were just one chapter that was much shorter and was much more of just "Yeah, life sucks. But hey, this cool thing is gonna happen," and then going straight to the World Cup. At least that's the only thing that makes sense to me is that that was the case. And then a publisher was like, "We need more!"
Christina Kann 09:07
"Put extra words on the page!"
Christina Kann 09:11
I would never do that.
Sam O'Brien 09:12
It annoys me because that book is so thick, and as a child in year six, when a friend of mine decided that she was going to read -- I think it was this book -- for reading challenge. I don't know whether you guys have it in America, Accelerated Reader?
Christina Kann 09:33
Andrew's bragged about it before
Sam O'Brien 09:34
It's the biggest bullshit ever. My brother does it. He's like on four million words this year. So he's very excited about it. Like it counts the words, and so we would get awards for the amount of words and so our class was a little bit low or behind. So she decided she was going to pick up -- I think it was this either that or the Prisoner of Azkaban -- and read it. I'm like, "That is way too thick." And it reads real fast, and it's a real short chapter and I think that that's perfectly fine. But it shouldn't be a chapter by itself.
Christina Kann 10:06
Yeah, it's bad writing. If I were this editor, I'd be like, "You should intersperse all of this backstory into your next couple chapters as we need it." Like, you got to cut something. That's my favorite thing to do as an editor, is just cut the bullshit. I'm vicious. Cut it! Andrew, were you at my house on Independence Day, when we watched Independence Day?
Christina Kann 10:30
Okay, remember, we were playing a variety of drinking games. And one of one of the rules was that every time the president's daughter came on stage, we all had to go "HER?!??!?!" And I think that in this podcast, we should start doing that whenever JK Rowling's mentioned. HER!?!?!???!!
Yeah, I still don't really feel comfortable saying "that bitch." I don't know, for some reason I just don't like that.
Christina Kann 10:54
I think Rowldemost is a very appropriate alternative.
I just don't even want to -- I just want to give her pronouns. That's all she gets.
Christina Kann 11:01
Sam O'Brien 11:06
I feel like we should have a new name for HER?? every season.
Oh, we could really piss her off and call her "they."
Christina Kann 11:20
Whoa, you figured it out. Well, the funny thing is that at the very beginning of this podcast, all of us had this colloquial thing where we would say "they" the way that you say "they" about, like filmmakers and stuff. And we had to train ourselves to say the author's name -- until she betrayed us. And then we had to train ourselves to not say it anymore. We've been on this journey. And now we're just back to where we started.
We should save "they" for book seven. So book four will be HER?? You can just adapt from there.
Christina Kann 11:49
All right, everyone, make a note.
Also send in your recommendations for book five and six.
Sam O'Brien 11:56
Submissions are open. Only the best shall.
Top two will win, so Mats, go ahead and give us the two that we will end up using.
Christina Kann 12:09
Okay, I guess let's get to my notes. I don't know. Harry wakes up from the dream of the previous chapter.
Yeah, and I already started off with an issue because he wakes up and he struggles to remember who Voldemort was trying to kill. Harry, it's always you, bud. The answer is always Harry Potter. The entirety of your life, the answer to "Who is Voldemort trying to kill?" has been Harry Potter. Other people have gotten in the way and had to be taken care of. But no, you are the target, my friend. And you woke up and you thought, "Who was it?" I don't know. Maybe the guy that's tried to kill you twice in three years. Just a thought. He literally had a previous version of himself who didn't even know who you were that tried to kill you because he figured out who you were. Like, DUH. I'm OVER IT!
Christina Kann 13:03
He's not a Ravenclaw! So his his widdle scar hurts him. It hot. It's shaped like lightning. We're like learning all these things.
Sam O'Brien 13:09
Christina Kann 13:25
He really just like meditates for a full page and a half, dude.
Sam O'Brien 13:31
So there's a couple of things. First of all, this is where I feel like HER?? finally gets into trusting the readers to understand a couple of things. Yes, you know, she doesn't understand that people read the previous book, but she understands that people have read the previous chapter. So she doesn't have to spell everything out the fact that Harry had a dream. And then, this morning I'm sitting, eating breakfast, while listening to the chapter one more time, and the whole hand movements of Harry Potter having one hand over his face and grabbing the glasses in the pre-dawn. And I'm like, "What is happening here? How does that work?"
Christina Kann 14:20
Wow, there are some moments in the series where Harry desperately reaches for his glasses and it always gives me this moment of panic, because I too have before desperately reached for my glasses in a minute of need. So yeah, he doesn't remember everything but like something...
This is actually, all kidding aside, a glorious and important moment for us as a podcast, going back through these books, because I contend this is the birth of edgelord/emo Harry. This is when we first started to meet the Harry that we will all come to love and hate and mainly hate and kind of love but really hate. This is where he starts. It starts with the way that he describes, in his own head, Quidditch: "in his opinion, the greatest sport in the world." That is such a 14-year-old edgelord boy thing to say. The next one is the way that it's written: "And yet . . . dot dot dot . . . and YET . . ."
Christina Kann 15:36
The angst is so real. And then later, he talks about --
Christina Kann 15:45
Hold on! before we go later -- Wait, what are you about to say?
"Harry was no stranger to pain."
Christina Kann 15:53
That's what I was going to say!
Like oh my god, Harry! Really? These are the first signs of him losing that, like -- what would Haley would call his "good boy status." He's losing being a good little boy. Because like, this is just so bad. And this is what I'm talking about too. It's either the greatest writing in the world because it's incredibly boring and yet perfectly written from the voice of a 14 year old, or it's just really bad writing that sounds like it was written by a 14 year old. And I honestly can't figure out which one it is.
Sam O'Brien 16:37
The the thing immediately after, when he start talking about Lockhart and I go, "It's good to see that Lockhart is still mentally scarring Harry here."
Christina Kann 16:45
Someone's remembering Lockhart.
You're no stranger to pain, Harry, but you will never get over your mental pain. Because this is the wizarding world, and they do not have good mental health services. No one in the wizarding world is mentally sound. I think that can be just agreed upon by everyone.
Christina Kann 17:04
No one, I feel like, in the real world this mentally sound either. I mean, the muggle world, sorry.
That's pretty true as well.
Sam O'Brien 17:12
Christina Kann 17:12
Um, so we look around Harry's room and there's lots of unusual things. That's so weird. That's so weird.
Sam O'Brien 17:21
I have a logistics question. How the fuck do you fit a cauldron in a trunk?
Christina Kann 17:28
I know. I don't know if it's maybe not that big of a cauldron. They say the diameters of them at some point.
It's like 12 inches, isn't it?
Sam O'Brien 17:37
I swear it was like 26 inches.
Christina Kann 17:40
Wait, I'm sure the internet knows the answer.
Hey, Professor Internet.
Sam O'Brien 17:43
It's a heavy thing.
Christina Kann 17:44
No, I wouldn't want to carry this trunk. I think about that when like the twins go get the trunk, which happens like three times, I feel like, within this series. Or whenever anyone's carrying any of the trunks, it sounds nightmarish. Pack differently. Why is it like this? Why is everything made of wood? That's so impractical.
Because they still live in the 1850s. You know, the year that technology hit the perfect amount.
Christina Kann 18:06
I googled "Harry Potter cauldron size" and you know how sometimes Google's like "Here's your answer, don't look further." It says standard size two. Obviously.
Ah, of course!
Christina Kann 18:19
Which is what they call them in the Harry Potter universe. Standards size 2, obviously.
Translation: HER?? sat there and thought, "How big would a fucking cauldron...? I don't know. Would it be big? They couldn't use a big one. They have to carry -- Standard Size 2."
Christina Kann 18:38
This one website says five inches by five inches. That's so small. That can't be right. That's like adorable.
Sam O'Brien 18:44
That's like a cup.
Christina Kann 18:45
You can make like very jazzy cocktails in something like that.
I was gonna say, I would expect that at a decent happy hour. It would be like 12 bucks but it would be like four shots of liquor, so you're kind of okay with it.
Christina Kann 18:58
Um, so Harry's like "Oh, the last time my scar hurt me it's because Voldemort was near me. Is he here in --" What is it called? Little Whinging?
One other thing really quick that I did notice. "As far as Harry could see through the darkness, there wasn't a living creature in sight, not even a cat." I think I know what this means. McGonagall comes and spies on Harry. Not in a creepy way, just showing up, "You good, bro?"
Christina Kann 19:30
Cuz he's used to seeing a cat, huh?
Sam O'Brien 19:33
Like a whole mention of like a respectable street. I'm like, what makes and unrespectable street?
Oh, Sam, you are so innocent.
Christina Kann 19:40
Garbage is a good start. There's a lot of garbage on my street.
My mind went way dark.
Sam O'Brien 19:46
Then I started thinking about like the unrespectable street in my city, which is right across from the train station where I go to work at the radio station. And half the street is sex shops and sex bars. The other half of the street is bars, like normal bars that will then charge you $10 for entry and then each drink is over 10 bucks each.
Oh. Just tostep back a second. Did you say sex bars?
Sam O'Brien 20:16
So what is that? Exactly? Like, I want a drink and a blowjob.
Sam O'Brien 20:24
Sam O'Brien 20:26
Christina Kann 20:27
That sounds fun!
Wait, is sex work legal in Australia?
Sam O'Brien 20:31
I believe it is. Uh, yeah. I think it's a state thing. But yeah, I definitely think it is. Yeah.
Party at Sam's place. All right. Nice.
Christina Kann 20:44
Wow, yeah. That's refreshing. That's fun.
Sam O'Brien 20:46
Yeah, it was interesting. I went out the other weekend. I was like, "Oh, I forgot that all these places exist."
Christina Kann 20:54
Wow, how to go from sex bar back to the Dursley's house? I don't know.
Well, I know the way that we'll get there. Because we'll get there through one of my favorite recurring bits in all of this book. And this is so ramrodded. This has nothing to do with sex bars. But one of my favorite reccurring bits is St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. Like, can we go harder in the paint to make you sound like an asshole if you go to this school? Like, we want you to feel bad.
Sam O'Brien 21:25
Is this like a '90s thing, where they were all phased out by the early 2000s, but somehow these school still existed? It just confuses me as to why we had to make it so obvious that the Dursleys hated him, as if their actions didn't speak any louder.
Do we think this is a real school, or supposed to be a real school, though?
Christina Kann 21:49
I don't know, because this was kind of before the era of fact checking in that way.
Yeah, this was back in the days where like, if the oldest daughter got pregnant, you sent her off to live with her aunt for a year, you know? So like, who knows? I've always wondered, like, Is that a real place? And people are like, Oh, God, he goes there?
Christina Kann 22:07
I'll Google it.
But it couldn't be, because they don't think he's tough. You know?
Sam O'Brien 22:11
Yeah. But then at the same time, I could think of people just not questioning it. Like it's the '90s; no one cares. It sounds like a respectable school, you know, and everyone trusts the Dursleys, because, you know, they're all stupid. And so it could be just, "Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. It must be a school I've never heard of, and they must have done their research proper."
Aren't you brave to keep a child that goes to such a place?
Christina Kann 22:41
harrypotter.fandom.com says that Vernon Dursley likely made up the school as a cover.
Christina Kann 22:48
It does sound like the kind of blustery, exaggerated name he would come up with.
Yeah, it just rambles on a little bit too long.
Christina Kann 22:56
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Very full of itself. Okay, oh, like we get a little refresher like, who are the Dursleys? Why's Harry an orphan? Like? What? Who are his friends? Who are they?
Sam O'Brien 23:13
We get back to angsty Harry here, and I go, "Is Harry fangirling over Voldy here?" going, you know, "He's done this and this and this. He's so powerful. And yet I defeated him."
He really does, dude. And once again, it's that 14 year old type thing. *scathingly mockingly* "If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would not have the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would still have had parents."
Christina Kann 23:46
I want you to read this whole back to me in this voice, Andrew. It's like so perfect.
Little did Harry know! Yeah. Seriously, it's like the most in his own head -- I will never be able to understand what it's like to be in his shoes at that age. I admit that. But my God, I think it's because it's so out of nowhere, it's way more abrupt than I thought it would be, the start of angsty Harry.
Christina Kann 24:20
He's got things to think about now.
Sam O'Brien 24:23
I'm just imagining myself as a 14 year old. I'm sorry for whoever met me at 14 years old. I was an asshole. And I really wish no one had ever met me at 14.
There's a good amount of logic and I think solid argumentation that between the ages of 12 and 15, all children should be sent away to boarding school, because they're just going to be awful.
Christina Kann 25:00
I've always said I was my funniest when I was in middle school, so I feel strongly that way.
I don't like interacting with children that age. They're judgy--
Christina Kann 25:12
They're hilarious! Are you joking me? They're so fucking funny and smart, dude, and they have nothing to lose. They're 13. What's going to happen? They're just so upfront with you it's hilarious.
That's the problem, though. They just don't give a fuck.
Christina Kann 25:28
I respect it.
Sam O'Brien 25:30
I'm staying in my parents place right now. I have a 15-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 12-year-old sibling. Yeah, I'm not enjoying it. I have to go to bed a little bit later. We were up -- it was midnight and my siblings were still awake. I'm like, "Go to bed so I can fucking go to bed!" They stay up talking loudly as well. They've got no respect for like what's happening around them.
Christina Kann 26:04
#adulting, am I right Sam?
Sam O'Brien 26:06
You're not wrong.
Christina Kann 26:09
The reintroduction to Harry's friends Ron and Hermione is done through this very flimsy lens of imagining how they would react to him confiding about his dream and his scar hurting.
I genuinely love these. I genuinely love them. I have always loved them. And I am not ashamed of it. I fucking love when Harry imagines his friends' reactions. It's so goddamn funny. It's one of my favorite things in the Harry Potter universe. It happens a few times, where he like imagines what Ron Hurmati would say.
Christina Kann 26:45
Is it funny because it's so spot on?
Yeah, obviously, it's spot on, because it's the same person that writes all the characters. I just adore it because Harry gets it perfectly in that way where you always kind of exaggerate the little details about your friends that you like the most.
Sam O'Brien 27:05
Or at least the endearing parts about them. Like, if you have a funny friend, you'll be like, "Oh my God, they're so funny." And then you introduce them to someone, and you're like, "Aren't they funny?" And they're like, "I mean, yeah, they're funny. They're not like the funniest person the world but yeah, they're, they're funny." But that's like your thing, right, that you think of?
Christina Kann 27:24
He does call Hermione shrill and panicky.
Sam O'Brien 27:27
Which is just his angsty teen, really?
Christina Kann 27:33
So finally, in the end, he's like, "Well, I'll write a letter to my new dad that I just got, Sirius Black."
Sam O'Brien 27:41
Okay, this is where I have conniptions, watching Harry try to write a letter to someone, even him trying to draft a letter to Dumbledore in his head. I'm sitting here going, "Have you never written a letter in your life?" One of the big issues I have is if you go into writing something without a plan. And so, when we get to the end of the chapter, when he's finally written the letter, it's like, "Heaps of other bits of parchment." And I'm sitting here going, "Why didn't you just write a plan and then write it, and take two pieces of parchment instead of however many you used before?"
Christina Kann 28:26
I agree that I perhaps would have taken your path as well.
Do y'all know? Are you are you cool enough kids to know?
Christina Kann 28:35
That this is one of the biggest fuck ups that HER?? makes in the entire series?
Christina Kann 28:44
Are you aware of this? Am I about to blow your mind?
Christina Kann 28:48
In his letter to Sirius, Harry mentions that Dudley threw his PlayStation out of the window. Fun fact: PlayStation wasn't released in the UK until September 29, 1995.
Christina Kann 29:03
And this is August of 1994.
Christina Kann 29:07
Oh my god.
So my it literally would have been impossible for Dudley to have a PlayStation.
Christina Kann 29:14
Unless Vernon had some high-up connections at Nintendo. No, PlayStation. I said "Nintendo" automatically. Man, I really do fuck up almost every line I try to deliver. Trying to make a joke about PlayStation, but I literally said "Nintendo" just because I play Nintendo and I'm dreaming about how I'm gonna play my Nintendo later. Okay, we write the letter. Okay, and then Sirius, he must be hiding somewhere tropical because he sends Harry these letters via this large, flashy tropical bird rather than an owl.
I always imagined this is like a toucan,
Christina Kann 29:55
Yeah, me too.
In the book, it's way more of a flamingo thing. It's cool. It looks like it's a cool looking bird. But it's not at all what I imagined my head.
Sam O'Brien 30:06
Where would you guys posit that Sirius would be?
Christina Kann 30:09
If I were him, I'd probably be in maybe like South America.
I'd be in Tahiti, just somewhere like tropical paradise, where you know no bureaucrat from London is going to think of. Bora Bora, maybe. One of those small islands where you have to take a plane to then take a Cessna to then take a boat to get to. That's where my ass would be. In the sand with a big ole strong drink and a lovely view of the ocean. It would look like a Corona commercial basically.
Christina Kann 30:42
That's cute. I like that vibe.
Sam O'Brien 30:44
Because he says "south." Okay, well, it could be like the south of Europe. But then, that's not even that nice. What about like the north of Africa? No, it's not even that nice. Maybe all the way down in South Africa. Imagine taking a hippogriff all the way down to the other end of the world.
Christina Kann 31:05
Whoa, that actually be like a magical experience and probably a terrible one too.
Besides the chafing, yeah, it would be magical.
Christina Kann 31:12
But like the views, the views! Ugh, I'm weeping thinking about it.
Sam O'Brien 31:17
This is the other thing though. It's 1994. This is the height of unrestricted air travel before we hit 9/11 and stuff. So how do you ride a hippogriff through the air for such a long time without being picked up by someone and go "What the fuck is this thing doing flying through here?"
Christina Kann 31:35
Yeah, especially because -- I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure he just straight up doesn't have a wand.
Doesn't he have ...?
Christina Kann 31:43
Why would he have a wand? Where did he get a wand?
Pettigrew? Either Pettigrew or Ron. No...
Sam O'Brien 31:49
I thought Pettigrew still had his.
Pettigrew stole Ron's. I don't know. It's been a while. See, we decided to take this break, so I don't remember. Just kidding!
Sam O'Brien 32:04
We've got no nerds on here. It's just us three, who can just speak out our asses for an hour and a half.
Christina Kann 32:10
I'm telling you that I don't think he has a wand.
Sam O'Brien 32:13
Yeah, I surprised if he didn't.
Christina Kann 32:16
He's desperate for food and stuff. He's on the lam.
But he's able to find these wizarding birds that are able to fly these messages super long distances.
Christina Kann 32:28
You don't need a wand for that.
I'm just saying, I think he has some level of contact with the wizarding world if he's getting those birds.
Christina Kann 32:37
You just gotta find the right bird.
If he goes to, like, the largest Indian wandmaker, there's no way that shit's being patrolled. There's no way you're going to tell me a Gringott's goblin would not exchange your money outside of the state that you're wanted in. Yeah, if you're wanted in Britain, Gringott's don't give a shit. They'll give you your money in India.
Sam O'Brien 32:59
He must have a wand towards the end, though. Because just before he dies, they're in the battle.
Christina Kann 33:06
I'm sure they get him a wand eventually.
Yeah, but for right now, yeah, you're right. He probably does not have one or he has only just recently acquired one.
Christina Kann 33:15
Wow. Okay. Well, we'll check back on that. So Harry, like reads us this letter that he wrote. He omits the whole dream thing because he doesn't want to sound too worried. But like, I mean, that's pretty worrying. Whatever. They said they were gonna murder you.
Sam O'Brien 33:28
Such dumb jock vibes. "I don't want to seem too weak."
Christina Kann 33:34
At one point, Harry says something about like, "He didn't think of Sirius because he'd only known that he was his godfather for two months." But is that right? I thought he knew before the whole escape on the hippogriff that he was his godfather.
Christina Kann 33:53
That was like, two months ago.
But like, I thought it was before that whole series -- I thought he knew that before he knew that he was actually a good guy.
Sam O'Brien 34:01
Maybe? I'm not sure. I feel like that was in the Leaky Cauldron.
Christina Kann 34:05
I think it's more of an implied -- That's how long he's had a godfather who is a good godfather that he likes and maybe could send mail to.
Gotcha. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah.
Christina Kann 34:15
Yeah, cuz you're right that it was before that.
Christina Kann 34:19
Well, it doesn't even matter because he doesn't even tell Sirius the whole story, but whatever. And then he literally gets up and gets ready for breakfast. So that's like the end of the chapter.
Sam O'Brien 34:29
There was an interesting thing about Wormtail. And I only was thinking about it now. Wormtail's following whoever has the most power, right? Made me think -- I'm a journalist, so I often think about Daddy Murdoch, who owns all the newspapers in my state. I was thinking about him, and there's comments that other journalists have made, so they're not mine, about how Rupert Murdoch always goes to whoever is the most popular or whoever is going to give him the most money. He's a businessman, you know, that's what he wants. And so Wormtail has very much got similar parallels. We're equally frustrated with both of them, and we're not quite sure how they got there.
The only thing that Wormtail is missing is that he didn't decide to put topless models in his newspapers. That's literally the only big difference between the two.
Sam O'Brien 35:26
Our largest Australian export is a media mogul.
Christina Kann 35:31
Sam O'Brien 35:31
Christina Kann 35:31
And he now owns Fox News.
Christina Kann 35:34
Oh, Tina. Yeah, that that's Rupert Murdoch he's talking about, the owner of Fox News.
Christina Kann 35:42
Sam O'Brien 35:42
And lots of other fun publications. I could probably spend 10 minutes listing newspapers here that he owns. It's kind of sad. Anyway--
We'd all just be depressed if you did that.
Christina Kann 35:55
Guys, I'm looking for a segue out of this depressing conversation, but I can't because there's fucking nothing going on in this chapter. There's nothing to segue into.
And there's nothing going on next chapter.
Sam O'Brien 36:05
I have one more question though. Harry mentions Dumbledore on holiday and tries to imagine Dumbledore on holiday. Where do we think Dumbledore would go on holiday?
Christina Kann 36:15
I don't know if y'all have seen that Disney's movie "The Sword in the Stone"?
Long time ago.
Sam O'Brien 36:21
Christina Kann 36:22
In it, Merlin goes on a trip to Bermuda, and he's like, all dressed up in a Merlin version of like a Bermuda outfit, you know, like a tropical outfit. And that's kind of what I picture, he's in Bermuda.
Have y'all heard that Bermuda is like literally on a direct parallel with Virginia?
Christina Kann 36:42
Like it's directly to our east. My parents apparently had friends back in like the '80s that went to this really shady travel agent, because that was back when you basically had to have a travel agent. And they were looking at these tropical places, and they were trying to save a bunch of money. And they go, "Well, we do have one tropical place you can go to. It'd be really cheap." They were like, "Where?" They go, "You can go to Bermuda." My parents' friends were like, "Oh my gosh, yeah. It's cheaper to go to Bermuda?" and they go, "Yeah, we're gonna send you there in October. It'll be real cheap." And it is. Because it's just like Virginia weather in October. So you're like, bundled up in sweatshirts and shit sitting on the beach.
Christina Kann 37:27
Wow. Been there. I'll sit on the beach in any weather.
Sam O'Brien 37:31
Christina Kann 37:31
All right, team. That's it. Does anyone have any final thoughts about this chapter?
We did our best.
Sam O'Brien 37:39
No, I'm glad we did some of the admin work we need to do for the next few chapters.
We established some things. We got our new tradition for this season.
Christina Kann 37:52
All in all, a pretty successful stretch for time. We're not gonna lie. We know it. You know it. Everyone knows it.
Christina Kann 38:01
If you're new to the podcast, future episodes won't be under an hour, I promise. That's a threat and a warning.
Sam O'Brien 38:11
It's so hard to put 20 minutes of content into an hour and a half of podcast content. What the heck are you supposed to talk about?
Christina Kann 38:21
Some chapters in this book have literally so much going on. Just like a little redistribution of content is called for here.
Just do it better!
Christina Kann 38:33
Next week, we're talking about The Invitation. So at least we get a glimpse, a little glimpse of the wizarding world.
Sam O'Brien 38:41
I think this is where we get proper Dursley abuse. I was thinking the Dursleys seem less mean this time. I was like, "Oh, wait a second. We haven't even met them in person yet."
Christina Kann 38:55
We've just had the threat of them.
Christina Kann 39:01
Alright, well, let's move on to plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon.
Christina Kann 39:10
This season, we're introducing transcripts for every episode to make our podcast more accessible to more people. So please support our efforts to be as inclusive as possible by becoming a Patron. At the $5 tier, you can get bonus episodes. This month, September, we're covering My Immortal, the Harry Potter fan fiction. You don't want to miss it. I can't emphasize that enough.
Sam O'Brien 39:37
It's gonna be so fun. I can't wait.
So I have been waiting to plug something that I found in the last few weeks that I absolutely love. It's a podcast called Five to Four. It's 5-4. And I think the tagline is "Why the Supreme Court sucks." It is a podcast that literally goes -- and it's not going to be for everyone -- but they take specific cases and break down the case and basically explain how the Supreme Court could fuck up something when it's supposed to be all these grand, scholarly experts and you know, known wizened old people that are in charge of interpreting the sacred document. No, it's all bullshit. it's always been politicized. It's always been exactly what you imagine it is. And it's three lawyers that basically break down, from a very leftist point of view, exactly how they fucked up and how they came to fuck up. And yeah, it's very informative. If you've ever been interested in legal theory, or the way that laws are interpreted, it's a very, very, very user friendly intro into that type of stuff. So like I said, if you're interested in US law at all, and you want to hear some pretty funny people talk about the Supreme Court, it's definitely worth checking out.
Christina Kann 41:02
Thank you so much. Sam, where can people find you on the internet?
Sam O'Brien 41:07
I'm Sam. If you didn't hear at the start of the episode, I host a podcast called Content and Capable. You can find that pretty much anywhere on the internet that The Restricted Section is, because I basically copy Christina and everything because she's just awesome. You can also find me personally @sam.the.journalist on Instagram and TikTok. I'm planning, once I get my WiFi set up, to upload a lot more to TikTok. And then on twitter @samobjournalist as well. And I am going to plug a TikTok creator -- he's also created stuff on Instagram and YouTube -- called @chanwills0. She is a Harry Potter TikToker. She does some of the best stuff. Her McGonagall impressions are awesome.
Christina Kann 42:08
Awesome, thank you so much. I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'm going to plug my best friend Adrienne! She does woodburning and she is launching a woodburning business called Mayfields on Fire. And you can check her out on Instagram. It's linked in the show notes. It's very cute. It's earrings and custom woodburned wall stuff. So, Sam, thank you so much for joining us for this super exciting like absolutely riveting chapter.
Sam O'Brien 42:45
Thank you so much for having me.
Christina Kann 42:48
Definitely more fun than I thought this ever could be. So thank you so much. I laughed. I cried. We had a good time.
My jokes aren't THAT bad. You're not physically crying. You just feel like crying on the inside. That's what I go for. If the actual tears come out, I feel bad. Don't make me feel bad. You feel bad on your own. And I get to feel good.
Christina Kann 43:11
Well, on that note, Andrew, thank you so much for being here.
Christina Kann 43:16
It's always a pleasure.
Christina Kann 43:16
You've been a joy. I'm excited to get even further into Goblet of Fire, and maybe we'll find the plot soon. Alright, gang, I gotta go finish reading "101 Clever Ways to Hide Snacks in Your Room" before this book develops a caloric intake. Bye!!!
Christina Kann 43:49
I'm excited for this episode. Just because it's basically just like a free form.
It's about five minutes of material. We are putting on a master class here, people. This is going to take three professionals.
Haley Simpkiss, Mats Furuli, Christina Kann
Christina Kann 00:02
"Out in the corridor, Frank suddenly became aware that the hand gripping his walking stick was slippery with sweat. The man with the cold voice had killed a woman. He was talking about it without any kind of remorse; with amusement. He was dangerous a madman, and he was planning more murders. This boy -- Harry Potter, whoever he was -- was in danger. Frank knew what he must do. Now if ever was the time to go to the police. He would creep out of the house and head straight for the telephone box in the village. But the cold voice was speaking again, and Frank remained where he was, frozen to the spot listening with all his might."
What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and examine the ways that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today:
Chapter One, The Riddle House. The Goblet of Fire starts not with Harry but with Frank Bryce, gardener of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. 50 years ago, the rich and snobby Riddle family was found dead in their home and everyone figured that Frank had done it. After all, he was an introvert with PTSD and a limp. What a villain! But when the autopsies came back, his name was cleared. The three family members were evidently not even murdered. In fact, there was nothing wrong with them at all when they died except for expressions of supreme terror on their faces. Fast forward 50 years, and Frank is super old now. No one has ever really forgiven him for being an introvert with PTSD who was geographically near a mass murder. So he's used to kids fucking up his garden and even breaking into the Riddle House. One night his stiff leg wakes him up and he sees a flickering light on in an upstairs window of the manor. Real horror story shit, yeah? So he goes in, and he goes upstairs, listening in on the two men who are chatting inside. What are they chatting about? you ask. Murder! Murders they committed, murders they aspire to commit. Frank's just getting ready to go to the police when a giant snake slides past him and into the room. The snake presumably tattles on Frank for eavesdropping, so the men invite him into the room. What Frank sees inside that room absolutely shocks him, but it doesn't matter. There's a flash of green light, and our dear Frank is dead. Across the country, Harry Potter wakes with a start from a very alarming dream.
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we will break into your house and start a fire! I am joined today by my most esteemed colleague, coworker, and dare I say co-conspirator, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 03:06
Hey, how's it going?
Christina Kann 03:08
Good. Say hello to the listeners, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 03:10
Hello, listeners. I'm Haley.
Christina Kann 03:12
Have you missed them?
Haley Simpkiss 03:13
I have missed them. Have you missed me, listener?
Mats Furuli 03:16
Yes, I have.
Haley Simpkiss 03:20
They're here! Oh God!
Christina Kann 03:24
As you can hear, I'm sure our special guest today his friend of the pod Mats! Say hello to the listeners much.
Mats Furuli 03:31
Hello to the listeners, Mats!
Christina Kann 03:34
You can catch Mats if you haven't already, or revisit. He was on our other episodes of the pod, The Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9, Part Two: Grim Defeat. And you also, Mats, came on to talk about Puffs, which was our special summer bonus episode this past summer.
Mats Furuli 03:51
Haley Simpkiss 03:51
That episode was so much fun.
Christina Kann 03:53
I listen to it by far more than any other episode.
Haley Simpkiss 03:58
It's so wholesome.
Christina Kann 03:59
It's very wholesome. I do recommend it.
Mats Furuli 04:02
I listened to it for the first time the other day because I hate my voice and listening to myself talk is a nightmare.
Haley Simpkiss 04:10
Welcome to podcasting. We all feel that way.
Christina Kann 04:14
All the listeners are gonna be like, "What? I came here specifically to listen to you."
Mats Furuli 04:21
Well, I never do that.
Christina Kann 04:24
That is one of those weird human things where it's just like, that can't be me. That's not right at all.
Mats Furuli 04:30
Every time I listen to a podcast and one of the hosts talks about loving hearing themselves talk, I'm like, "Fucking hell, I wish I could relate to that."
Christina Kann 04:42
I love to hear myself talk when I'm not being obnoxious. So like, not a lot.
Mats Furuli 04:49
I always love hearing you guys talk. I just finished re listening to the podcast last night and I promptly stopped relistening. So one of the last things that entered my earholes before this recording was Andrew singing the entire Sorting Hat Song.
*flashback clip* Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see.
Christina Kann 05:18
Oh my god. That is one of my most like beloved memories on this podcast.
Haley Simpkiss 05:23
Oh god. That was like right before COVID wasn't it?
Christina Kann 05:25
Yeah, it was the last episode.
Haley Simpkiss 05:27
Yeah. Oh man. He is never happier than when he is either singing or telling you about his elaborate plans for hypothetical future situations.
Mats Furuli 05:38
I could not relate more.
Christina Kann 05:41
So gang we're here at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. We're standing on the precipice. I know! Are you even ready? Because this book is a lot.
Haley Simpkiss 05:51
Mats Furuli 05:52
I'm extremely ready.
Haley Simpkiss 05:54
We're gonna get through it together as friends
Christina Kann 05:56
We're gonna get through it together. Oh god. Oh dear. It's fine. It's fine. Probably no one will die.
Haley Simpkiss 06:04
One person might die.
Christina Kann 06:05
Up to one person Well, up to two people. #DontForget -- wait, #NeverForgetBerthaJorkins.
Haley Simpkiss 06:15
Oh, wait three Frank. Sorry. Spoilers for this chapter.
Christina Kann 06:23
How can I forget that Frank dies at the end of this very chapter? Okay, so three. Um, before we get started, I would love to just get a little bit from y'all about your experience with this book specifically. Mats, if I remember correctly, you read the book series originally really out of order.
Mats Furuli 06:42
Christina Kann 06:44
So when did you read Goblet of Fire in that order?
Mats Furuli 06:47
I have no idea when I first listened to it, but I believe it was the third book that I read.
Christina Kann 06:55
Mats Furuli 06:56
Order the Phoenix. Deathly Hallows.
Christina Kann 06:58
Mats Furuli 06:59
Goblet of Fire. Half-Blood Prince. And then 3, 2, 1.
Haley Simpkiss 07:04
Okay. All right.
Mats Furuli 07:06
In short, the order of longest books is shortest.
Haley Simpkiss 07:10
I guess that's one way to do it.
Mats Furuli 07:13
You know, the way you're supposed to read books.
Christina Kann 07:18
Awesome. Haley, do you remember reading this for the first time?
Haley Simpkiss 07:21
Not specifically, I don't think. I think that, you know, when my mom started reading the books to me -- because that was how I experienced the Harry Potter books for the first time was my mom read them out loud to me. And then it became like a tradition every time a new book would come out, we would sit on the couch and have popcorn and she would read through the whole thing, and I would usually rub her feet. And it was just a really beautiful experience. But when we first started it, I think the first three books were already out.
Christina Kann 07:49
Haley Simpkiss 07:49
I think three had just come out.
Christina Kann 07:51
I really think that they were, for a while there, promoting them as a trilogy. And I think that's when literally our entire friend group pretty much picked them up, when that trilogy was being promoted.
Haley Simpkiss 08:02
Right. So the fourth one is the one that I kind of remember going to buy for the first time. I remember a lot of specifics from number four -- just specific scenes. I remember my mom and I finally figuring out that her mind his name was not Hermy-own.
Christina Kann 08:20
Yes. JK Voldemort had to write a scene explaining how to pronounce one of the main characters names.
Mats Furuli 08:28
It's so good.
Haley Simpkiss 08:30
You know, we didn't have the internet. The internet didn't work like that yet. We didn't know. Okay.
Christina Kann 08:37
Also, I mean, Viktor Krum really likes Hermione, and he can't pronounce her name either. So like, I guess it doesn't really matter. She's pretty good natured about it.
Haley Simpkiss 08:47
True. What about you, Christina? What was your first experience?
Christina Kann 08:51
I have like flashes of reading this for the first time. I've definitely mentioned this on the podcast before, that I learned a lot of words from reading this book. And this is like the first one, I think, that was using vocabulary that was slightly beyond me. I certainly had never read a book this long before. I think this was actually a really helpful step up for me in terms of my reading level. It helped me feel like I could read bigger books with words that maybe I didn't know in it.
Haley Simpkiss 09:22
I would agree with that.
Christina Kann 09:24
Yeah, I love it. I do love this book. It's like so layered and beautiful. And every time I revisit it, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!" I forgot because the movie had to leave out so much of this in a way that it didn't have to the first three.
Haley Simpkiss 09:39
Christina Kann 09:40
So here we are at the beginning. I'm almost afraid to get started.
Haley Simpkiss 09:46
Do you have a point that you want to start with? Or, like, do you want like, do you want me to facilitate?
Christina Kann 09:51
The first bullet point of my notes says, "Oh my god, it's the beginning." So that's where we are.
Mats Furuli 09:58
That's a way better point than my first point, which is the lack of Oxford commas in this chapter fucking pisses me off.
Christina Kann 10:04
Yeah, I did clock that as well. So this chapter starts in the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. It used to be like a nice manor, but it's dilapidated now. And Harry Potter is nowhere to be seen in this chapter until the very end. This is like a different book right now. And they give us the old legend that 50 years ago, the Riddle family's maid found the whole family mysteriously dead in the drawing room.
Mats Furuli 10:35
Christina Kann 10:36
What is the drawing room? Why is it called that? Is it for drawing?,
Haley Simpkiss 10:41
Just gonna pop out my encyclopedia bullshit here.
Mats Furuli 10:45
Haley Simpkiss 10:47
"Drawing" comes from "withdrawing." If you lived in a manor house, you had your parlor for formal after-dinner, like sitting down having your brandy and coffee. And then you had the withdrawing room, which was like, there's couches and the fire and you write letters there and you might have books. It's like the casual living room versus the formal living room. So that's what the drawing room is.
Christina Kann 11:12
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much, Haley. I'm not surprised you know that. This Riddle family was very snobby and everyone hates them. But it's the mystery of this murder is why everyone is so obsessed with it. They were rich and shitty, and then they died mysteriously. So on the night when they died, the whole village is hanging out in the Hanged Man bar/pub.
Haley Simpkiss 11:42
Christina Kann 11:43
I don't like that! Any other name kinda.
Mats Furuli 11:48
I mean, we are currently in a world in which the main school is called Hogwarts, which, you know, is kind of just the grossest fucking thing ever.
Christina Kann 12:04
But it sounds funny.
Mats Furuli 12:07
Nobody really knows what it is.
Haley Simpkiss 12:10
Have you ever been to the UK? Like, every other pub is called like, the Crown and Rose or like the Rose or the Lion or something. So like, you got to you got to differentiate yourself somehow, man. Sometimes it's with a hanged guy. I don't know. "What do we have? We're England. What do we even have? Ummm hangings!"
Christina Kann 12:31
The only thing that's ever happened in this town. So everyone's hanging out at the Hanged Man talking about like, what even happened? And the Riddle family's cook comes in to say that Frank Bryce, the gardener, has been arrested. They are debating about him. Is he nice? Is he rude? He really definitely is just an introvert with PTSD.
Haley Simpkiss 12:59
Something I noticed reading this chapter that I would like to get your opinions on: I get Hobbit vibes from this chapter. Like the style of the writing, the way it's written.
Christina Kann 13:09
Haley Simpkiss 13:10
Or like the first chapter of Lord of the Rings where they're talking about, like the plans for Bilbo's birthday party and it's all ramping up. This is kind of that same tone of like, you're in an outside perspective, looking in on a sliver of this bigger adventure, but like from the perspectives of the neighbors, just like the boring, nosy neighbors.
Mats Furuli 13:36
I didn't think about that. But yeah.
Christina Kann 13:37
The cook has big Lobelia energy.
Haley Simpkiss 13:40
Yeah, she does. She does have big Lobelia energy. Like if they called this pub the Green Dragon, I would be like, "Are we in the Shire?" These people sound like hobbits; they talk like hobbits.
Christina Kann 13:52
What a better name for a pub. So the facts are thus: Frank is the only person who had a key to the house and there was no sign of forced entry. So in the end, the villagers -- the gossipers -- they create this narrative that he acts weird, so he's probably guilty. Because that's how small villages be.
Haley Simpkiss 14:16
Small towns do be that way.
Mats Furuli 14:18
Christina Kann 14:19
Yeah. So at this time, while this is going on, Frank is at the police station defending himself. He claimed that he saw a kid wandering around the property that night, but no one believes him. And like, frankly, it's not a very convincing fact. You know, it's like "What? Just a kid?" He just saw a kid.
Haley Simpkiss 14:37
Yeah, but I live in a small town and it was a weird kid I've never seen before. So that's what I've got for ya.
Christina Kann 14:43
Mats Furuli 14:45
Can you like at least please look into it please, please, before you sentence sentence an innocent man to jail or death?
Christina Kann 14:52
Right, the Hanged Man.
Mats Furuli 14:55
The Hanged Man probably serves as a bar as well as an execution place.
Christina Kann 15:01
Oh my god.
Haley Simpkiss 15:02
I wouldn't be surprised. But if the guy in question is like weird and quiet, he's clearly guilty. Obviously.
Mats Furuli 15:11
I'd be so fucked in 1920s Britain.
Haley Simpkiss 15:14
Christina Kann 15:16
So the only thing that really saves Frank in the end is the fact that like the autopsy comes back with nothing. It's like "You're completely fine, but you are dead, for sure. But like besides that, you're fine."
Haley Simpkiss 15:29
I do love this line: They appear to be completely healthy despite being dead. "The doctors did note (as though determined to find something wrong with the bodies) that each of the Riddles had a look of terror upon his or her face." Weird.
Christina Kann 15:48
I do like that parenthetical.
Haley Simpkiss 15:51
Christina Kann 15:52
So that's kind of that. So Frank, get -- he gets let go -- they let him go. Stupid sentence. He's free. He goes free. He didn't -- he -- there's no evidence that he did anything, including any evidence of literal murder other than dead bodies. So Frank just like stays there, and the house gets passed from owner to owner. But like no one wanted to live there, which I get. It seems scary. It became all dilapidated. And Frank just keeps living there.
Haley Simpkiss 16:23
I had like a thought, just like a missed opportunity thought, when they're talking about like the people who lived there. "Neither family stayed long. Perhaps it was partly because of Frank that each new owner said there was a nasty feeling about the place." And like, were any of the Horcruxes hidden in the old rental house? Because--
Christina Kann 16:45
No! That's good though.
Haley Simpkiss 16:48
It would have worked really well. That would have been a really good easter egg.
Christina Kann 16:52
Oh, yeah. Maybe every time you walk into a building and get a weird feeling, it's because they're so Horcrux hidden there.
Mats Furuli 16:58
Haley Simpkiss 16:59
Or asbestos. One of the two.
Mats Furuli 17:03
I kind of love the idea that the weird, creepy, horrible feeling comes from the fact that there is a Horcrux there.
Christina Kann 17:13
Yeah. would have been good. I mean, and he had a lot to hide.
Haley Simpkiss 17:16
Yeah. But, one of the ones that Dumbledore found -- like the maybe the ring was -- I don't remember. I don't remember.
Christina Kann 17:25
The ring was in the Gaunts' house.
Mats Furuli 17:26
Haley Simpkiss 17:28
This would have been better.
Christina Kann 17:29
This would have been better.
Haley Simpkiss 17:30
Never mind. It's fine. It's fine.
Christina Kann 17:31
And honestly, if he hid it in this house, it has a built in guard dog because Frank still is around protecting the place.
Haley Simpkiss 17:40
Christina Kann 17:41
That'd be funny. So then it cuts to present day, and Frank is old. It says he's very deaf, but then he eavesdrops the whole conversation, so he's not very deaf.
Mats Furuli 17:52
Christina Kann 17:54
He can be like, slightly hard of hearing, but he's definitely not very deaf. Unless he has -- oh my god. You know how in the Hobbit, one of the hobbits has like a listening horn, an ear trumpet! That's what they're called.
Haley Simpkiss 18:07
It's just never mentioned, but he is carrying it through this whole thing.
Mats Furuli 18:13
Doesn't one of the headmaster portraits in Dumbledore's office have one of those?
Christina Kann 18:19
Oh, my God. That is such a small detail. I cannot believe that you remember that? But of course, Haley remembers.
Haley Simpkiss 18:27
Which movie is that? I remember what you're talking about. But like, which movie is that?
Mats Furuli 18:30
I don't even know if it's a movie.
Haley Simpkiss 18:32
Well, I remember it visually. It might also be in the book, but I feel like I remember seeing it.
Christina Kann 18:40
That's the kind of tiny cute thing that someone would pull for the movie. You know, since we're animating a bunch of old dudes anyway, throw an ear horn in there. It's magical. That's where they got the technology to start developing the Extendable Ears in the next book.
Haley Simpkiss 18:54
There you go.
Christina Kann 18:55
Frank just lives on the property kind of gardening? Probably just mostly grumping around with his cane.
Haley Simpkiss 19:01
Christina Kann 19:03
Yeah. This would be your life.
Haley Simpkiss 19:06
Yes, it would I want this job.
Mats Furuli 19:08
Just like stumbling around in your bog.
Haley Simpkiss 19:12
If I can't get a bog I want to be a reclusive gardener. Either's fine. There's mention of -- there's a wealthy new owner who continues to pay Frank to do the gardening. And as far as anyone knows, he keeps the property for tax reasons. Do we think that's Dumbledore? Do we think Dumbledore bought Tom Riddle's dad's house?
Christina Kann 19:35
That would have been really amazing if there was a Horcrux hidden inside.
Haley Simpkiss 19:44
A wealthy, mysterious owner who keeps it for quote-unquote tax reasons. Doesn't that sound like the kind of bullshit lie that wizards would come up with? "We're not even really trying but you're not gonna question it."
Christina Kann 19:53
Yeah, like "I don't really know a lot about muggles, but I know they for sure do taxes. Those sound terrble."
Haley Simpkiss 20:00
At the end of this book, Dumbledore does have a paper from Little Hangleton. He pays attention to what was going on in the area. I think Dumbledore owns the house.
Christina Kann 20:11
Interesting. I like that interpretation. I just thought it was someone who was trying to like claim residency in like a certain -- What are they called? What are what is Britain ... like divided into? Is it territories? Is it counties? Counties seems like a British thing.
Haley Simpkiss 20:29
I know that counties are a thing in Ireland
Christina Kann 20:31
No, it's not principalities. Principalities are ruled by princes. No, I think it might be counties.
Christina Kann 20:42
Okay. I forget what the whole rest of the sentence was until I got confused about the word "counties." Let's move on. The village is shitty about the house. They harass Frank and they fuck up his gardening and they break into the house and they light things on fire. And so when he wakes up in the middle of the night one night and he sees that there's lights on in the Riddle House, he just assumes that it's more asshole muggle kids playing pranks. He's a worthy opponent for a bunch of teenagers playing pranks.
Haley Simpkiss 21:20
Yeah. damn kids. If only. If only it actually was the damn kids.
Mats Furuli 21:25
Yeah, fucking Voldemort. Spoiler! All spoilers all the time! It's Voldemort.
Christina Kann 21:31
It is. It is fucking Voldemort.
Mats Furuli 21:32
It do be Voldemort.
Haley Simpkiss 21:35
It do be Voldemort.
Mats Furuli 21:38
When Harry's just like, "I think my scar is hurting. I think something's going on," most of the time it do indeed be Voldemort.
Haley Simpkiss 21:47
I feel like that's most of like books four and five particularly. "What's going on?" It do be Voldemort.
Christina Kann 21:54
It do be Voldemort. Because at the end of book five, it becomes public knowledge that he's out there. So he has to become like more subtle.
Haley Simpkiss 22:03
The Daily Prophet headline the next day after they finally admit it: "IT DO BE VOLDEMORT."
Christina Kann 22:16
They fired Rita Skeeter and had to get the interns stuff and they were like, "This is the best headline I could come up with."
Mats Furuli 22:23
Oh my god.
Haley Simpkiss 22:24
It gets the point across. So yeah, yeah. He thinks it's teenagers lighting fires, like they do. And it's not.
Christina Kann 22:32
It's not. It is not. Frank says "fuck the police" since he's still mad that they interrogated him one time 50 years ago... for a crime that it did kind of look like he might have committed. Yeah, so he's like, "I'm not gonna call the police. I'm gonna like go kick these kids out myself." He lets himself into the house and then he sneaks up the stairs. Baby. Please stop. Go back, please.
Haley Simpkiss 23:02
There is a line-- You know how sometimes you'll read something and a line from it will just like stick with you? Just like get in your head? Where he's going up the stairs and it says he's he's "blessing the dust" that's muffling his footsteps. I don't know why that line has always stuck with me. But I I don't know. It's just been in my head since I was like nine.
Mats Furuli 23:25
It's been in my head since like, yesterday when I started reading this chapter to prepare. But yes, that is something that I clocked as well, but only on this reading.
Haley Simpkiss 23:34
It's just an it's just an interesting line.
Mats Furuli 23:37
Christina Kann 23:38
Yeah, it is interesting.
Haley Simpkiss 23:39
Weird way to phrase it.
Christina Kann 23:42
But I do, a lot of the time, reading through Harry Potter, come across lines where it's just like "I recognize you specifically." You know what I mean? Like "This sentence for sure. I know this one."
Haley Simpkiss 23:52
Christina Kann 23:54
I've been here before. It's the opposite of the Gandalf meme.
Haley Simpkiss 23:58
I have a memory of this place.
Christina Kann 24:00
I have a memory of this place. I have up to 15 memories of this place. So in the room, two men are speaking. One of them has a normal voice and then the other one has a scary, evil-maybe-sounding voice. "A cold, high-pitched voice," which I have a really hard time envisioning until I saw Puffs. Because the Voldemort in Puffs has a voice like Him from Powerpuff Girls. The Voldemort in the movies, I think because they need you to take them seriously, doesn't really have that kind of voice.
Haley Simpkiss 24:36
Because the guy in Puffs was doing a honestly better impression of what Ray -- Ray Fiennes? I think Ray Fiennes did a good job. But the dude in Puffs, even though he was hamming it up, that's kind of what I was envisioning. Because it's not so much high pitched as it's just really thin and breathy.
Mats Furuli 25:00
Christina Kann 25:00
Yeah, like like Marilyn Monroe
Haley Simpkiss 25:02
Like he's fucked up his vocal cords in hearing it like weird, magical experiments on himself or something.
Christina Kann 25:10
In the right context, it's funny to hear like that kind of voice. But if you were in genuine danger, and you heard that voice it would be incredibly chilling.
Haley Simpkiss 25:19
Mats Furuli 25:19
Voldemort is like the most dramatic wizard, so yeah.
Haley Simpkiss 25:23
Yeah, in a society that is, as we've established many a time, all about the drama.
Mats Furuli 25:27
Hell yeah! I was so badly hoping we'd get to do that.
Haley Simpkiss 25:31
Oh Mats, I would never let you down. Of course, I was gonna do it.
Mats Furuli 25:35
Oh, hell yeah.
Christina Kann 25:37
Voldemort is like way more dramatic than even Dumbledore. When we get to the end of this book, he is like, "Excuse me while I monologue for four straight chapters."
Haley Simpkiss 25:50
Christina Kann 25:51
And then he does it.
Haley Simpkiss 25:52
Yeah! He has a captive audience! He has a literal captive audience! It's a 14-year-old boy, but you know.
Mats Furuli 26:00
You sly dog, you caught me monologuing.
Christina Kann 26:05
Okay, these two people, these two dudes, are talking about some things that Frank doesn't really understand. He is like, "My ears must be full of ear wax because what the fuck is Quidditch?" So he's listening to this stuff without any context. They're planning something. They're gonna wait until after the Quidditch Cup. They need to do something that requires this dude, Harry Potter, whoever the fuck that guy is. Um, lots of murder talk. There's lots of murder talk for sure. Like undeniable murder talk.
Haley Simpkiss 26:39
Just casual murder talk, you know, like to do with your bro.
Christina Kann 26:42
In front of the fireplace.
Mats Furuli 26:44
I mean, sometimes we do talk a lot of murder but that's usually specifically when we're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill.
Haley Simpkiss 26:53
Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah.
Christina Kann 26:56
Or like a video game, just like murder murder.
Haley Simpkiss 27:00
Now I'm just picturing for the Death Eaters playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, that would be a very dark version of that game. Extremely fucked up and dark version of that game.
Christina Kann 27:12
I'm trying to even remember -- like, none of the Death Eaters are even remotely sexy except for Bellatrix Lestrange and Daddy Malfoy. My honey. In this moment, Frank is like "I'm sorry that I said fuck the police. I think I actually would like some police at this time. Cuz there's a lot of murder talk."
Haley Simpkiss 27:35
*snottily* Um, why doesn't he just call them with his cell phone?
Christina Kann 27:41
Frank would never.
Haley Simpkiss 27:43
He doesn't-- they don't exist yet. It is the 90s
Christina Kann 27:47
True. But also Frank would never.
Haley Simpkiss 27:48
Also Frank would never, also he doesn't own a phone.
Christina Kann 27:51
Like don't call me.
Mats Furuli 27:52
Yeah, it was specified in this chapter that he does not in fact, own a phone.
Christina Kann 27:56
Yeah, that's true.
Haley Simpkiss 27:56
He doesn't even have a landline, which I respect.
Christina Kann 28:00
No, you have to be able to call for help.
Haley Simpkiss 28:02
No, no, he's a strong, independent, elderly man and he don't need no assistance from anybody ever for any reasons.
Mats Furuli 28:10
Except the fact that he's apparently very deaf.
Christina Kann 28:13
Honestly, you know what Frank needs? Does he have a cat? Does it mention that? Frank needs a pet; he needs an emotional support pet. But one that doesn't need him very much. But like a fat little cat would love plomping around the garden with him and then just like chilling out at night. Like "I don't really need to snuggle you but like I'm here if you need to talk."
Haley Simpkiss 28:32
Yeah, but then the cat would be alone after this.
Christina Kann 28:35
Cats figure it out. They would have gotten out and just like lived in the garden eating bugs forever. What a joyful life or a little fat rompy garden cat.
Haley Simpkiss 28:44
You're very emotionally attached to this hypothetical cat.
Christina Kann 28:48
Imagine the adorable way in which Frank Bryce would love a cat that respected boundaries.
Haley Simpkiss 28:54
You know what cat Frank Bryce should have and would love? Penny. Your cat Penny.
Christina Kann 28:59
Yeah, exactly. Just eat this little bug. Roll around in this little plant.
Mats Furuli 29:04
I thought you were about to say Bustopher Jones from Cats (2019).
Christina Kann 29:13
Okay, where the fuck were we?
Haley Simpkiss 29:16
We're talking murder. Everyone's talking murder. Something about Frank having a cat. Oh, Frank doesn't have a phone. But he should have a cat. And yes, we're talking murder.
Christina Kann 29:27
Thank you so much, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 29:28
You're very welcome.
Christina Kann 29:29
So Frank's like, "I'm gonna go to the police." But then Nagini, the giant snake, is like "Wait, I'm a giant snake and I would like to slither past you."
Haley Simpkiss 29:36
*I'm a snake impression*
Mats Furuli 29:38
*better I'm a snake impression*
Haley Simpkiss 29:41
Oh, you're too good at that.
Christina Kann 29:45
Man, I listened to a YouTube recording of someone reading this book today, this chapter, and it was like really, really, really bad. Like the reading was bad. And I won't say who it was obviously, but there's a lot of really excellent ones on YouTube. But this person reading pronounced it in "nah-genie."
Mats Furuli 30:04
I hate that.
Christina Kann 30:05
It was like they were just like reading a foreign language. They were like "I definitely know the sounds to make, but I'm not sure the meaning that exists in these words." It was very funny to me. Nah-genie really stuck with me.
Haley Simpkiss 30:17
All I can think is it sounds like nagina. I don't know what that is. I don't know what a nagina would be.
Christina Kann 30:25
I was waiting for you to explain to me what that was.
Mats Furuli 30:29
It sounds like snake genitals.
Haley Simpkiss 30:33
It would be a cloaca.
Mats Furuli 30:34
A magical cloaco is what nagina is. It always comes back to cloacas.
Haley Simpkiss 30:42
It's cloacas all the way down, God dammit.
Mats Furuli 30:46
"Cloacas All the Way Down" written by John Green.
Haley Simpkiss 30:50
Mats Furuli 30:50
I was contemplating putting in my notes "Does Peter Pettigrew have a cloaca?" just to be able to bring cloacas up.
Haley Simpkiss 31:06
He doesn't but we got there in the end on our own just fine.
Christina Kann 31:09
We got there organically. Cloacas do come up organically a lot. This isn't even the first time I've talked about cloacas today because Sean and I in the car earlier were talking about-- well, we were talking about duck penises.
Mats Furuli 31:24
Haley Simpkiss 31:27
Those are also very upsetting. So Nagina and her nagina slither into the room.
Christina Kann 31:33
Yeah, so Frank is like, "This snake's gonna kill me." But Nagini's like "Don't even worry about it" and just goes right past. But then Nagini ostensibly tattletales on Frank for being in the hallways.
Haley Simpkiss 31:46
Snitches get stitches.
Christina Kann 31:47
Yeah. Snitches get hisses.
Haley Simpkiss 31:52
Christina Kann 31:53
Thank you. So Wormtail opens the door and it's like, "Come on inside." And then Frank has some words for the armchair. My notes are really stupid for this section. And then Frank is like, "Face me like a man!" And then Lord Voldemort turns around.
Mats Furuli 32:15
He pulls off his helmet, reveals that is in fact, Eowyn. *singing* It was Eowyn all along.
Christina Kann 32:28
It do be Voldemort. Frank doesn't like what he sees, to say the least.
Mats Furuli 32:37
Christina Kann 32:38
And then there's a flash of green light. And then our boy Frank dies.
Haley Simpkiss 32:43
Mats Furuli 32:44
Christina Kann 32:44
Haley Simpkiss 32:45
Christina Kann 32:46
"Two hundred miles away, the boy called Harry Potter awoke with a start."
Mats Furuli 32:50
And that's the end of the episode. Hopefully not...
Christina Kann 32:55
Honestly, at the end of that chapter, I'm like, "Oh, God, this was a really cool story. Do we have to go back to that Harry already?"
Haley Simpkiss 33:01
I know. Because you know the next chapter is gonna be "He was a very unusual boy. And for more than one reason!"
Christina Kann 33:11
Tune in next week for our thrilling coverage of that chapter. Oh, actually Sam O'Brien, host of Content and Capable, is going to be on that episode. So it'll probably be super fun anyway.
Haley Simpkiss 33:26
He'll make it fun.
Mats Furuli 33:27
I'm very much looking forward to that.
Christina Kann 33:29
Yeah. Dang. I'm actually kind of surprised that we got through this chapter so quickly.
Haley Simpkiss 33:34
I mean, we could talk a little bit about like, more and more in detail of what Wormtail and Voldemort were talking about, with like Bertha Jorkins and everything.
Christina Kann 33:42
Yeah, I did skim over most of that. Because really, it's just like, "Get ready for the rest of this book. Here's the events that are to come."
Haley Simpkiss 33:51
Yeah. First of all, after being a rat for 13 straight years, how does Peter Pettigrew pick up a lady? Because I feel like he didn't have game to begin with?
Mats Furuli 34:03
Yeah, that's in my notes as well. I don't think he has a wand at this point. So...
Haley Simpkiss 34:10
Yeah, so so no, he must have charmed her.
Mats Furuli 34:14
Haley Simpkiss 34:15
But like how?
Christina Kann 34:19
He literally was just like, "Yo, Bertha, it's me Peter Pettigrew. You thought I was dead. But like, we went to school together. Isn't it crazy that we're both in this place? Let's talk a little bit." And she's just a friendly idiot, which like, relatable. So I would be like, "Yeah! I knew you when we were kids. Let's go have dinner or whatever."
Haley Simpkiss 34:38
She might have even forgotten that he was supposed to be dead because her memory is all fucked up from getting her memory modified so badly.
Christina Kann 34:46
Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, rough. It's so rough.
Haley Simpkiss 34:49
Yeah, it's a bad time.
Mats Furuli 34:50
I forgot about the timeline. But yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, seriously, having your brain messed up by memory charm is like the only way that I can think of that Peter Pettigrew might possibly be able to seduce someone.
Haley Simpkiss 35:07
Yeah, how? How? That's all I'm asking. How?
Christina Kann 35:11
Wait, are we assuming that he seduced her? Or are we reading between the lines that he seduced her?
Haley Simpkiss 35:17
He got a woman to leave a bar with him while she was on vacation.
Christina Kann 35:23
I'm just telling you some people are just trusting.
Mats Furuli 35:26
I would still not trust someone who looked like Peter fucking Pettigrew.
Christina Kann 35:31
He is, like, really rough in the movies for sure.
Mats Furuli 35:33
Yeah, maybe I'm just like, seeing Timothy Spall, but like--
Christina Kann 35:38
I think that's the idea, though.
Haley Simpkiss 35:40
I mean, he's described I think in the books as being more milquetoast, just a very normal -- like, if he wasn't a wizard and a turncoat spy thing, he would look like a mailman.
Christina Kann 35:54
I was gonna say like the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows.
Mats Furuli 35:58
Christina Kann 35:59
What's his name? Do we know?
Haley Simpkiss 36:00
Do we know?
Christina Kann 36:01
Welp, doesn't matter.
Haley Simpkiss 36:02
No, he has a name.
Christina Kann 36:03
He definitely has a name. I just don't remember what it is. It's probably something like Mark or like Michael or something.
My name is Colin Robinson. And I am what's known as a psychic vampire, or energy vampire.
Haley Simpkiss 36:15
Yeah, something as made in a lab to be as forgettable as humanly possible. Sorry to all of the Mikes that we're friends with. All eight thousand of you.
Christina Kann 36:28
Okay, anything else we want to touch on before we wrap up this chapter? I do like what you said about it being a hobbity because it is hoppity.
Haley Simpkiss 36:36
Yeah, just in tone. I mean, like more dark.
Christina Kann 36:40
Yeah, but the beginning for sure was very hobbity.
Mats Furuli 36:44
I have a note that I was contemplating just leaving out because it's so long, on the topic of Peter Pettigrew's hitherto unknown abilities. I feel like a lot of people shit on Peter -- a lot of people seem to think that he's a really terrible wizard. Like, he does have some magical prowess. Like he outsmarts and out-magics Sirius Black when he is confronted on the street. He's able to blow up the street, and he cuts off his finger in order to fake his own death, which is extremely cunning. The fact that he's able to blow up the street, killing 12 people, with his wand behind his back, before Sirius is able to react, is kind of impressive. He's also the person, I think -- possibly with help -- but I think mostly Peter Pettigrew was the person who brewed the potion that allowed Voldemort to regain a temporary body, the body that we see in this chapter, as well as the potion that got Voldemort his full body.
Haley Simpkiss 38:10
Yeah, I mean, you could say if he's receiving instruction on that, it doesn't count. But also, Harry and his whole class, whenever they are in Snape's class, are receiving instruction the entire time, and they still managed to fuck up pretty frequently. And this is like some Restricted Section -- heyyyyyy Restricted Section! This is one of those Restricted Section fucked-up potions that are really complicated. So I think you're onto something.
Mats Furuli 38:13
You could argue that a lot of the reason why people fuck up in Snape's class is the fact that Snape is a really terrifying person. But so is fucking Voldemort. Like Voldemort is more terrifying. So I feel like the risk of fucking up under Voldemort's supervision is way bigger than under Snape's. And also, I could be getting the timeline wrong, but I think Wormtail must have been the person who brewed the Polyjuice Potion for Barty Crouch Jr. because it takes a month to make. I don't think Barty Crouch Jr. would have come back to Voldemort in time to brew that potion.
Haley Simpkiss 39:26
I think Barty was making his own on the sly because Snape does accuse Harry of stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients again, because he's like, "I know it was you. I can't prove it. But I fucking know it was you the first time two years ago and I know it's you now" and Harry's like, "I genuinely do not know what you're talking about."
Christina Kann 39:49
Haley Simpkiss 39:50
Mats Furuli 39:52
He was transformed into Mad-Eye Moody when he got to Hogwarts, so there must have been at least some amount of Polyjuice Potion.
Haley Simpkiss 40:04
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Mats Furuli 40:06
There's also the fact that he was able -- I mean, he was getting help, but like -- he was able to becoming an animagus at fucking 15 years old. We keep hearing from Sirius and Voldemort that he's this complete fucking dumbass. But other than like maybe the fact that he did fuck up the question on his OWLs about werewolf signs despite the fact that he is actively running around with a werewolf every fucking full moon -- other than that, I don't think we really see, at least to me, any convincing evidence that Peter Pettigrew is that big of a dumbass. He seems like he's pretty good at magic in general and also extremely cunning. I fucking hate Peter Pettigrew. He's the absolute worst. Insert Jean-Ralphio "The Worst" clip.
Mats Furuli 41:07
People should be getting giving him more credit when it comes to magical prowess.
Christina Kann 41:13
I guess when he spends 12 years as a rat, he just becomes so deeply pathetic during that time, like cowardly and pathetic, that it's like whatever skill he has, it's like "You're still just an absolute piece of shit."
Haley Simpkiss 41:30
Yeah, I think you're right Mats. I do think that he's a lot more talented than most people assume. But that kind of just makes him very easy to underestimate.
Christina Kann 41:46
I was just gonna say that's like, his whole thing is that people were underestimating him the whole time. And also to this very day.
Mats Furuli 41:53
He's like a dark-side Neville Longbottom.
Haley Simpkiss 41:55
Christina Kann 41:58
Haley Simpkiss 41:59
It sounds like his main issue was honestly confidence.
Mats Furuli 42:03
Other than the fact that he's a shitty person, but you know.
Haley Simpkiss 42:05
Well, I mean, also that. His issue internally that leads him to "Well, okay, I just need to find the most powerful friends possible because I suck."
Mats Furuli 42:16
Haley Simpkiss 42:16
But I don't know. It kind of sounds like it didn't need to fucking go this way, dude, but you made purchases. Have fun living as a rat and then working for this dude.
Christina Kann 42:26
Mats Furuli 42:27
12 years of it! In Ratskaban.
Christina Kann 42:34
Oh my god. Okay, great. Well, let's move on. Let's wrap it on up. Before we get into plugs, I would like to invite all of our beloved listeners to consider signing up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our Discord community, which is very, very fun, and Haley and Mats and I are all there very consistently, so come chat nerd shit with us. You can also get access to our bonus episodes on our Patreon. This month's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction.
Mats Furuli 43:12
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for it.
Haley Simpkiss 43:16
I started reading and sort of rereading. It's a bad time.
Christina Kann 43:20
Catch Haley on that episode. It's gonna be really fun.
Haley Simpkiss 43:24
*clearly in pain* Yep, it will.
Christina Kann 43:26
Yeah, so head over to our Patreon to get access to that. The link is in the show notes. Haley, would you like to tell people where they can find you on the internet?
Haley Simpkiss 43:35
I would like to tell people where they can find me on the internet. Thank you for not letting me forget this time. I'm Haley. You can hear my dulcet tones on Sundays with the Movie Night Crew just talking shit about movies. Not even talking shit. Sometimes talking shit, and then sometimes just critical analysis, but it's a lot of talking shit. And you can find me on Twitter if you must @thewrit_towit. And my plug for this week -- I'm gotta be super creative and plug Bo Burnham's Inside. It's on Netflix. If you choose to watch it, and you are a person who has ever struggled with mental health, just be careful, hydrate, have tissues on hand, and maybe have someone you can talk to afterwards because at least one line, probably more, is going to rip your actual soul out. But it's very well done.
Mats Furuli 44:37
Like a dementor.
Christina Kann 44:40
I was gonna say, a finishing move.
Mats Furuli 44:44
Christina Kann 44:44
Thank you so much for that glowing recommendation, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 44:47
Christina Kann 44:48
Mats, where can people find you on the internet?
Mats Furuli 44:50
Yeah, so I'm on Twitter and Instagram. My handle for both is @mdotfur.
Christina Kann 44:59
Do you have anything you've watched or read or listened to or done recently that you would like to recommend to our listeners?
Mats Furuli 45:07
Yeah, I actually have two plugs, and I'll try to keep these plugs kind of brief.
Christina Kann 45:14
Mats did ask permission to bring two plugs before we recorded. Very respectful.
Mats Furuli 45:22
Yeah, so weirdly, the thing that I'm always the most nervous about when it comes to recording podcast episodes, is whenever I have to actually plug something. I feel like I'm really bad at talking about the things that I love and why I love them. So that's always kind of nerve-wracking. So, of course, I had to make myself do it twice today. So you know.
Haley Simpkiss 45:52
We did establish earlier that you like torturing yourself.
Mats Furuli 45:54
That is true. That is very true.
Christina Kann 45:57
This is a safe space to just share your plugs and like don't even worry about it.
Mats Furuli 46:01
Great. Okay. Yeah. So my first plug is a book series called The Kingkiller Chronicles. It's a hard one to describe and make it sound like it's actually a compelling series. If I were to describe the plot, it would probably sound something along the lines of "Young boy goes to school, tries to get into a library." His biggest goal for the entire first book is to get into a library, but he can't. That's more or less the entire plot of the first book. The first book is called the Name of the Wind, by the way. I think one of the big reasons why I love the book so much, or the series, is the fact that it's set in this Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-esque magical world, but it's such a tiny and contained story. It's a really small story, so you really get to know the characters in that story. But so much of the world on a geographical basis is unexplored and it allows for so many potential future series, and I'm really excited. I'm so excited for book three to come out.
Christina Kann 47:25
Hell yeah, Haley and I have both read -- well, I read the Name of the Wind, but you read both of them, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 47:31
I have a first printing of the second book that I got signed by Patrick Rothfuss.
Mats Furuli 47:38
No way. Wow, I'm so fucking jealous. I recently just got a really beautiful cover or like, copy, of the two books. And like I posted pictures of those on Instagram. They're just the prettiest things I've ever seen in my life.
Christina Kann 48:04
They were very beautiful.
Mats Furuli 48:05
And really expensive! I think getting my hands on both of the books would cost me about $500. So yeah, that is money that I don't currently possess.
Christina Kann 48:14
Those are books that you put in a glass case out for people to gaze at as they walk past.
Mats Furuli 48:19
Exactly. I would never opened ever in my life. Yeah, so my second plug is a D&D action play series called Dimension 20. Often when people talk about really great D&D series or shows, it's in audio, podcast format. And you can listen to some of it on a podcast. But I will say, by far the best experience is to watch it on -- some of it is on YouTube. But all of it -- and I believe it's completely uncensored -- is on College Humor's streaming service, Dropout. It's really great. Yeah, it costs money, but it's honestly so worth it. But one of the series is called Fantasy High. It's basically if you took every John Hughes eighties rom com, but everything was fantasy, magical, and it's just absolutely wonderful and delightful. Another is called A Crowd of Candy. It's basically Game of Thrones, but everything is made of food. So the like royal family is made of candy and they're like--
Christina Kann 48:21
Oh my god, like Princess Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph.
Mats Furuli 49:51
Exactly. It's delightful.
Christina Kann 49:54
Or Princess Bubblegum.
Haley Simpkiss 49:56
No, it's it's Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph, Princess Bubblegum is Adventure Time.
Christina Kann 50:02
Yeah. I was saying as an additional example. Okay.
Mats Furuli 50:06
And yeah, another is a really short series, but it's called Tiny Heist. It's basically Toy Story meets Ocean's 11, which is like two of my favorite movies ever.
Christina Kann 50:19
You said Tiny Heist?
Mats Furuli 50:21
Haley Simpkiss 50:22
Oh my god.
Christina Kann 50:22
I love that so much.
Haley Simpkiss 50:24
Those are all really cool premises.
Christina Kann 50:26
Yeah, that sounds very creative.
Mats Furuli 50:29
One that finished recently is called, I believe, Misfits and Magic. Basically, four American teenagers attend a Hogwarts-esque wizard school as foreign exchange students. And it takes place in a world in which the Harry Potter series exists. And it's just the best people ever. And yeah, I highly recommend it.
Christina Kann 50:59
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christinakann. I also have another Twitter called @booksoocontext, where I post lines from books out of context. I started out while I was reading Percy Jackson, because there's a lot of really good ones. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'd like to recommend a graphic novel that I read over the summer called Bloom, written by Kevin Panetta and illustrated by Savannah Ganucheau. It's a very cute little graphic novel about two boys who fall in love in a bakery. It's just like a really wholesome, YA romance. I love it so much. It's so sweet and mellow. So buy it from your local bookstore, maybe. And our local bookstore here is Fountain Bookstore, and I think you can order through the mail from them if you would like to support our beloved local bookstore. Haley, thank you so much for being here with me today on this very first episode of the Goblet of Fire.
Haley Simpkiss 52:21
Happy to be here.
Christina Kann 52:22
Yeah. And Mats, thank you for joining us. It is a pleasure as always when you're here.
Mats Furuli 52:26
Aw, thank you so much for having me. It's been a great time and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to join you for another chapter for about a book and a half. So...
Christina Kann 52:39
Well, you were on like two episodes ago, so I'm sure we'll find a way to make it happen.
Mats Furuli 52:44
I can't wait.
Christina Kann 52:45
And as a reminder, if you haven't watched Puffs and listen to our summer episode that covered Puffs, you absolutely should. That's my other plug. My followup plug.
Haley Simpkiss 52:53
Yeah, I'll second that plug.
Christina Kann 52:58
Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading Gardening for Muggles before this book spontaneously combust! Bye.