4.1 The Riddle House (episode transcript)

SPEAKERS
Haley Simpkiss, Mats Furuli, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:02
"Out in the corridor, Frank suddenly became aware that the hand gripping his walking stick was slippery with sweat. The man with the cold voice had killed a woman. He was talking about it without any kind of remorse; with amusement. He was dangerous a madman, and he was planning more murders. This boy -- Harry Potter, whoever he was -- was in danger. Frank knew what he must do. Now if ever was the time to go to the police. He would creep out of the house and head straight for the telephone box in the village. But the cold voice was speaking again, and Frank remained where he was, frozen to the spot listening with all his might."

What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and examine the ways that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today:

Chapter One, The Riddle House. The Goblet of Fire starts not with Harry but with Frank Bryce, gardener of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. 50 years ago, the rich and snobby Riddle family was found dead in their home and everyone figured that Frank had done it. After all, he was an introvert with PTSD and a limp. What a villain! But when the autopsies came back, his name was cleared. The three family members were evidently not even murdered. In fact, there was nothing wrong with them at all when they died except for expressions of supreme terror on their faces. Fast forward 50 years, and Frank is super old now. No one has ever really forgiven him for being an introvert with PTSD who was geographically near a mass murder. So he's used to kids fucking up his garden and even breaking into the Riddle House. One night his stiff leg wakes him up and he sees a flickering light on in an upstairs window of the manor. Real horror story shit, yeah? So he goes in, and he goes upstairs, listening in on the two men who are chatting inside. What are they chatting about? you ask. Murder! Murders they committed, murders they aspire to commit. Frank's just getting ready to go to the police when a giant snake slides past him and into the room. The snake presumably tattles on Frank for eavesdropping, so the men invite him into the room. What Frank sees inside that room absolutely shocks him, but it doesn't matter. There's a flash of green light, and our dear Frank is dead. Across the country, Harry Potter wakes with a start from a very alarming dream.

Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we will break into your house and start a fire! I am joined today by my most esteemed colleague, coworker, and dare I say co-conspirator, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:06
Hey, how's it going?
 
Christina Kann  03:08
Good. Say hello to the listeners, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:10
Hello, listeners. I'm Haley.
 
Christina Kann  03:12
Have you missed them?
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:13
I have missed them. Have you missed me, listener?
 
Mats Furuli  03:16
Yes, I have.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:20
They're here! Oh God!
 
Christina Kann  03:24
As you can hear, I'm sure our special guest today his friend of the pod Mats! Say hello to the listeners much.
 
Mats Furuli  03:31
Hello to the listeners, Mats!
 
Christina Kann  03:34
You can catch Mats if you haven't already, or revisit. He was on our other episodes of the pod, The Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9, Part Two: Grim Defeat. And you also, Mats, came on to talk about Puffs, which was our special summer bonus episode this past summer.
 
Mats Furuli  03:51
I did.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:51
That episode was so much fun.
 
Christina Kann  03:53
I listen to it by far more than any other episode.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:58
It's so wholesome.
 
Christina Kann  03:59
It's very wholesome. I do recommend it.
 
Mats Furuli  04:02
I listened to it for the first time the other day because I hate my voice and listening to myself talk is a nightmare.
 
Haley Simpkiss  04:10
Welcome to podcasting. We all feel that way.
 
Christina Kann  04:14
All the listeners are gonna be like, "What? I came here specifically to listen to you."
 
Mats Furuli  04:21
Well, I never do that.
 
Christina Kann  04:24
That is one of those weird human things where it's just like, that can't be me. That's not right at all.
 
Mats Furuli  04:30
Every time I listen to a podcast and one of the hosts talks about loving hearing themselves talk, I'm like, "Fucking hell, I wish I could relate to that."
 
Christina Kann  04:42
I love to hear myself talk when I'm not being obnoxious. So like, not a lot.
 
Mats Furuli  04:49
I always love hearing you guys talk. I just finished re listening to the podcast last night and I promptly stopped relistening. So one of the last things that entered my earholes before this recording was Andrew singing the entire Sorting Hat Song.
 
Andrew  05:10
*flashback clip* Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see.
 
Christina Kann  05:18
Oh my god. That is one of my most like beloved memories on this podcast.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:23
Oh god. That was like right before COVID wasn't it?
 
Christina Kann  05:25
Yeah, it was the last episode.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:27
Yeah. Oh man. He is never happier than when he is either singing or telling you about his elaborate plans for hypothetical future situations.
 
Mats Furuli  05:38
I could not relate more.
 
Christina Kann  05:41
So gang we're here at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. We're standing on the precipice. I know! Are you even ready? Because this book is a lot.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:51
I know.
 
Mats Furuli  05:52
I'm extremely ready.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:54
We're gonna get through it together as friends
 
Christina Kann  05:56
We're gonna get through it together. Oh god. Oh dear. It's fine. It's fine. Probably no one will die.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:04
One person might die.
 
Christina Kann  06:05
Up to one person Well, up to two people. #DontForget -- wait, #NeverForgetBerthaJorkins.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:15
Oh, wait three Frank. Sorry. Spoilers for this chapter.
 
Christina Kann  06:23
How can I forget that Frank dies at the end of this very chapter? Okay, so three. Um, before we get started, I would love to just get a little bit from y'all about your experience with this book specifically. Mats, if I remember correctly, you read the book series originally really out of order.
 
Mats Furuli  06:42
I did.
 
Christina Kann  06:44
So when did you read Goblet of Fire in that order?
 
Mats Furuli  06:47
I have no idea when I first listened to it, but I believe it was the third book that I read.
 
Christina Kann  06:55
Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  06:56
Order the Phoenix. Deathly Hallows.
 
Christina Kann  06:58
Right. Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  06:59
Goblet of Fire. Half-Blood Prince. And then 3, 2, 1.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:04
Okay. All right.
 
Mats Furuli  07:06
In short, the order of longest books is shortest.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:10
I guess that's one way to do it.
 
Mats Furuli  07:13
You know, the way you're supposed to read books.
 
Christina Kann  07:18
Awesome. Haley, do you remember reading this for the first time?
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:21
Not specifically, I don't think. I think that, you know, when my mom started reading the books to me -- because that was how I experienced the Harry Potter books for the first time was my mom read them out loud to me. And then it became like a tradition every time a new book would come out, we would sit on the couch and have popcorn and she would read through the whole thing, and I would usually rub her feet. And it was just a really beautiful experience. But when we first started it, I think the first three books were already out.
 
Christina Kann  07:49
Right.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:49
I think three had just come out.
 
Christina Kann  07:51
I really think that they were, for a while there, promoting them as a trilogy. And I think that's when literally our entire friend group pretty much picked them up, when that trilogy was being promoted.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:02
Right. So the fourth one is the one that I kind of remember going to buy for the first time. I remember a lot of specifics from number four -- just specific scenes. I remember my mom and I finally figuring out that her mind his name was not Hermy-own.
 
Christina Kann  08:20
Yes. JK Voldemort had to write a scene explaining how to pronounce one of the main characters names.
 
Mats Furuli  08:28
It's so good.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:30
You know, we didn't have the internet. The internet didn't work like that yet. We didn't know. Okay.
 
Christina Kann  08:37
Also, I mean, Viktor Krum really likes Hermione, and he can't pronounce her name either. So like, I guess it doesn't really matter. She's pretty good natured about it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:47
True. What about you, Christina? What was your first experience?
 
Christina Kann  08:51
I have like flashes of reading this for the first time. I've definitely mentioned this on the podcast before, that I learned a lot of words from reading this book. And this is like the first one, I think, that was using vocabulary that was slightly beyond me. I certainly had never read a book this long before. I think this was actually a really helpful step up for me in terms of my reading level. It helped me feel like I could read bigger books with words that maybe I didn't know in it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:22
I would agree with that.
 
Christina Kann  09:24
Yeah, I love it. I do love this book. It's like so layered and beautiful. And every time I revisit it, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!" I forgot because the movie had to leave out so much of this in a way that it didn't have to the first three.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:39
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  09:40
So here we are at the beginning. I'm almost afraid to get started.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:46
Do you have a point that you want to start with? Or, like, do you want like, do you want me to facilitate?
 
Christina Kann  09:51
The first bullet point of my notes says, "Oh my god, it's the beginning." So that's where we are.
 
Mats Furuli  09:58
That's a way better point than my first point, which is the lack of Oxford commas in this chapter fucking pisses me off.
 
Christina Kann  10:04
Yeah, I did clock that as well. So this chapter starts in the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. It used to be like a nice manor, but it's dilapidated now. And Harry Potter is nowhere to be seen in this chapter until the very end. This is like a different book right now. And they give us the old legend that 50 years ago, the Riddle family's maid found the whole family mysteriously dead in the drawing room.
 
Mats Furuli  10:35
Gasp!
 
Christina Kann  10:36
What is the drawing room? Why is it called that? Is it for drawing?,
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:41
Just gonna pop out my encyclopedia bullshit here.
 
Mats Furuli  10:45
Ravenclaw!
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:47
"Drawing" comes from "withdrawing." If you lived in a manor house, you had your parlor for formal after-dinner, like sitting down having your brandy and coffee. And then you had the withdrawing room, which was like, there's couches and the fire and you write letters there and you might have books. It's like the casual living room versus the formal living room. So that's what the drawing room is.
 
Christina Kann  11:12
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much, Haley. I'm not surprised you know that. This Riddle family was very snobby and everyone hates them. But it's the mystery of this murder is why everyone is so obsessed with it. They were rich and shitty, and then they died mysteriously. So on the night when they died, the whole village is hanging out in the Hanged Man bar/pub.
 
Haley Simpkiss  11:42
Yeah?
 
Christina Kann  11:43
I don't like that! Any other name kinda.
 
Mats Furuli  11:48
I mean, we are currently in a world in which the main school is called Hogwarts, which, you know, is kind of just the grossest fucking thing ever.
 
Christina Kann  12:04
But it sounds funny.
 
Mats Furuli  12:07
Nobody really knows what it is.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:10
Have you ever been to the UK? Like, every other pub is called like, the Crown and Rose or like the Rose or the Lion or something. So like, you got to you got to differentiate yourself somehow, man. Sometimes it's with a hanged guy. I don't know. "What do we have? We're England. What do we even have? Ummm hangings!"
 
Christina Kann  12:31
The only thing that's ever happened in this town. So everyone's hanging out at the Hanged Man talking about like, what even happened? And the Riddle family's cook comes in to say that Frank Bryce, the gardener, has been arrested. They are debating about him. Is he nice? Is he rude? He really definitely is just an introvert with PTSD.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:59
Something I noticed reading this chapter that I would like to get your opinions on: I get Hobbit vibes from this chapter. Like the style of the writing, the way it's written.
 
Christina Kann  13:09
Ooh, yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  13:10
Or like the first chapter of Lord of the Rings where they're talking about, like the plans for Bilbo's birthday party and it's all ramping up. This is kind of that same tone of like, you're in an outside perspective, looking in on a sliver of this bigger adventure, but like from the perspectives of the neighbors, just like the boring, nosy neighbors.
 
Mats Furuli  13:36
I didn't think about that. But yeah.
 
Christina Kann  13:37
The cook has big Lobelia energy.
 
Haley Simpkiss  13:40
Yeah, she does. She does have big Lobelia energy. Like if they called this pub the Green Dragon, I would be like, "Are we in the Shire?" These people sound like hobbits; they talk like hobbits.
 
Christina Kann  13:52
What a better name for a pub. So the facts are thus: Frank is the only person who had a key to the house and there was no sign of forced entry. So in the end, the villagers -- the gossipers -- they create this narrative that he acts weird, so he's probably guilty. Because that's how small villages be.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:16
Small towns do be that way.
 
Mats Furuli  14:18
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  14:19
Yeah. So at this time, while this is going on, Frank is at the police station defending himself. He claimed that he saw a kid wandering around the property that night, but no one believes him. And like, frankly, it's not a very convincing fact. You know, it's like "What? Just a kid?" He just saw a kid.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:37
Yeah, but I live in a small town and it was a weird kid I've never seen before. So that's what I've got for ya.
 
Christina Kann  14:43
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  14:45
Can you like at least please look into it please, please, before you sentence sentence an innocent man to jail or death?
 
Christina Kann  14:52
Right, the Hanged Man.
 
Mats Furuli  14:55
The Hanged Man probably serves as a bar as well as an execution place.
 
Christina Kann  15:01
Oh my god.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:02
I wouldn't be surprised. But if the guy in question is like weird and quiet, he's clearly guilty. Obviously.
 
Mats Furuli  15:11
I'd be so fucked in 1920s Britain.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:14
Same.
 
Christina Kann  15:16
So the only thing that really saves Frank in the end is the fact that like the autopsy comes back with nothing. It's like "You're completely fine, but you are dead, for sure. But like besides that, you're fine."
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:29
I do love this line: They appear to be completely healthy despite being dead. "The doctors did note (as though determined to find something wrong with the bodies) that each of the Riddles had a look of terror upon his or her face." Weird.
 
Christina Kann  15:48
I do like that parenthetical.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:51
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  15:52
So that's kind of that. So Frank, get -- he gets let go -- they let him go. Stupid sentence. He's free. He goes free. He didn't -- he -- there's no evidence that he did anything, including any evidence of literal murder other than dead bodies. So Frank just like stays there, and the house gets passed from owner to owner. But like no one wanted to live there, which I get. It seems scary. It became all dilapidated. And Frank just keeps living there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:23
I had like a thought, just like a missed opportunity thought, when they're talking about like the people who lived there. "Neither family stayed long. Perhaps it was partly because of Frank that each new owner said there was a nasty feeling about the place." And like, were any of the Horcruxes hidden in the old rental house? Because--
 
Christina Kann  16:45
No! That's good though.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:48
It would have worked really well. That would have been a really good easter egg.
 
Christina Kann  16:52
Oh, yeah. Maybe every time you walk into a building and get a weird feeling, it's because they're so Horcrux hidden there.
 
Mats Furuli  16:58
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:59
Or asbestos. One of the two.
 
Mats Furuli  17:03
I kind of love the idea that the weird, creepy, horrible feeling comes from the fact that there is a Horcrux there.
 
Christina Kann  17:13
Yeah. would have been good. I mean, and he had a lot to hide.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:16
Yeah. But, one of the ones that Dumbledore found -- like the maybe the ring was -- I don't remember. I don't remember.
 
Christina Kann  17:25
The ring was in the Gaunts' house.
 
Mats Furuli  17:26
Yeah, right.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:28
This would have been better.
 
Christina Kann  17:29
This would have been better.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:30
Never mind. It's fine. It's fine.
 
Christina Kann  17:31
And honestly, if he hid it in this house, it has a built in guard dog because Frank still is around protecting the place.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:40
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  17:41
That'd be funny. So then it cuts to present day, and Frank is old. It says he's very deaf, but then he eavesdrops the whole conversation, so he's not very deaf.
 
Mats Furuli  17:52
Yeah. No.
 
Christina Kann  17:54
He can be like, slightly hard of hearing, but he's definitely not very deaf. Unless he has -- oh my god. You know how in the Hobbit, one of the hobbits has like a listening horn, an ear trumpet! That's what they're called.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:07
It's just never mentioned, but he is carrying it through this whole thing.
 
Mats Furuli  18:13
Doesn't one of the headmaster portraits in Dumbledore's office have one of those?
 
Christina Kann  18:19
Oh, my God. That is such a small detail. I cannot believe that you remember that? But of course, Haley remembers.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:27
Which movie is that? I remember what you're talking about. But like, which movie is that?
 
Mats Furuli  18:30
I don't even know if it's a movie.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:32
Well, I remember it visually. It might also be in the book, but I feel like I remember seeing it.
 
Christina Kann  18:40
That's the kind of tiny cute thing that someone would pull for the movie. You know, since we're animating a bunch of old dudes anyway, throw an ear horn in there. It's magical. That's where they got the technology to start developing the Extendable Ears in the next book.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:54
There you go.
 
Christina Kann  18:55
Frank just lives on the property kind of gardening? Probably just mostly grumping around with his cane.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:01
Honestly, goals.
 
Christina Kann  19:03
Yeah. This would be your life.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:06
Yes, it would I want this job.
 
Mats Furuli  19:08
Just like stumbling around in your bog.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:12
If I can't get a bog I want to be a reclusive gardener. Either's fine. There's mention of -- there's a wealthy new owner who continues to pay Frank to do the gardening. And as far as anyone knows, he keeps the property for tax reasons. Do we think that's Dumbledore? Do we think Dumbledore bought Tom Riddle's dad's house?
 
Christina Kann  19:35
That would have been really amazing if there was a Horcrux hidden inside.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:44
A wealthy, mysterious owner who keeps it for quote-unquote tax reasons. Doesn't that sound like the kind of bullshit lie that wizards would come up with? "We're not even really trying but you're not gonna question it."
 
Christina Kann  19:53
Yeah, like "I don't really know a lot about muggles, but I know they for sure do taxes. Those sound terrble."
 
Haley Simpkiss  20:00
At the end of this book, Dumbledore does have a paper from Little Hangleton. He pays attention to what was going on in the area. I think Dumbledore owns the house.
 
Christina Kann  20:11
Interesting. I like that interpretation. I just thought it was someone who was trying to like claim residency in like a certain -- What are they called? What are what is Britain ... like divided into? Is it territories? Is it counties? Counties seems like a British thing.
 
Haley Simpkiss  20:29
I know that counties are a thing in Ireland
 
Christina Kann  20:31
Principalities?
 
20:33
No, it's not principalities. Principalities are ruled by princes. No, I think it might be counties.
 
Christina Kann  20:42
Okay. I forget what the whole rest of the sentence was until I got confused about the word "counties." Let's move on. The village is shitty about the house. They harass Frank and they fuck up his gardening and they break into the house and they light things on fire. And so when he wakes up in the middle of the night one night and he sees that there's lights on in the Riddle House, he just assumes that it's more asshole muggle kids playing pranks. He's a worthy opponent for a bunch of teenagers playing pranks.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:20
Yeah. damn kids. If only. If only it actually was the damn kids.
 
Mats Furuli  21:25
Yeah, fucking Voldemort. Spoiler! All spoilers all the time! It's Voldemort.
 
Christina Kann  21:31
It is. It is fucking Voldemort.
 
Mats Furuli  21:32
It do be Voldemort.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:35
It do be Voldemort.
 
Mats Furuli  21:38
When Harry's just like, "I think my scar is hurting. I think something's going on," most of the time it do indeed be Voldemort.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:47
I feel like that's most of like books four and five particularly. "What's going on?" It do be Voldemort.
 
Christina Kann  21:54
It do be Voldemort. Because at the end of book five, it becomes public knowledge that he's out there. So he has to become like more subtle.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:03
The Daily Prophet headline the next day after they finally admit it: "IT DO BE VOLDEMORT."
 
Christina Kann  22:16
They fired Rita Skeeter and had to get the interns stuff and they were like, "This is the best headline I could come up with."
 
Mats Furuli  22:23
Oh my god.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:24
It gets the point across. So yeah, yeah. He thinks it's teenagers lighting fires, like they do. And it's not.
 
Christina Kann  22:32
It's not. It is not. Frank says "fuck the police" since he's still mad that they interrogated him one time 50 years ago... for a crime that it did kind of look like he might have committed. Yeah, so he's like, "I'm not gonna call the police. I'm gonna like go kick these kids out myself." He lets himself into the house and then he sneaks up the stairs. Baby. Please stop. Go back, please.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:02
There is a line-- You know how sometimes you'll read something and a line from it will just like stick with you? Just like get in your head? Where he's going up the stairs and it says he's he's "blessing the dust" that's muffling his footsteps. I don't know why that line has always stuck with me. But I I don't know. It's just been in my head since I was like nine.
 
Mats Furuli  23:25
It's been in my head since like, yesterday when I started reading this chapter to prepare. But yes, that is something that I clocked as well, but only on this reading.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:34
It's just an it's just an interesting line.
 
Mats Furuli  23:37
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  23:38
Yeah, it is interesting.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:39
Weird way to phrase it.
 
Christina Kann  23:42
But I do, a lot of the time, reading through Harry Potter, come across lines where it's just like "I recognize you specifically." You know what I mean? Like "This sentence for sure. I know this one."
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:52
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  23:54
I've been here before. It's the opposite of the Gandalf meme.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:58
I have a memory of this place.
 
Christina Kann  24:00
I have a memory of this place. I have up to 15 memories of this place. So in the room, two men are speaking. One of them has a normal voice and then the other one has a scary, evil-maybe-sounding voice. "A cold, high-pitched voice," which I have a really hard time envisioning until I saw Puffs. Because the Voldemort in Puffs has a voice like Him from Powerpuff Girls. The Voldemort in the movies, I think because they need you to take them seriously, doesn't really have that kind of voice.
 
Haley Simpkiss  24:36
Because the guy in Puffs was doing a honestly better impression of what Ray -- Ray Fiennes? I think Ray Fiennes did a good job. But the dude in Puffs, even though he was hamming it up, that's kind of what I was envisioning. Because it's not so much high pitched as it's just really thin and breathy.
 
Mats Furuli  25:00
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:00
Yeah, like like Marilyn Monroe
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:02
Like he's fucked up his vocal cords in hearing it like weird, magical experiments on himself or something.
 
Christina Kann  25:10
In the right context, it's funny to hear like that kind of voice. But if you were in genuine danger, and you heard that voice it would be incredibly chilling.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:19
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  25:19
Voldemort is like the most dramatic wizard, so yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:23
Yeah, in a society that is, as we've established many a time, all about the drama.
 
Mats Furuli  25:27
Hell yeah! I was so badly hoping we'd get to do that.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:31
Oh Mats, I would never let you down. Of course, I was gonna do it.
 
Mats Furuli  25:35
Oh, hell yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:37
Voldemort is like way more dramatic than even Dumbledore. When we get to the end of this book, he is like, "Excuse me while I monologue for four straight chapters."
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:50
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:51
And then he does it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:52
Yeah! He has a captive audience! He has a literal captive audience! It's a 14-year-old boy, but you know.
 
Mats Furuli  26:00
You sly dog, you caught me monologuing.
 
Christina Kann  26:05
Okay, these two people, these two dudes, are talking about some things that Frank doesn't really understand. He is like, "My ears must be full of ear wax because what the fuck is Quidditch?" So he's listening to this stuff without any context. They're planning something. They're gonna wait until after the Quidditch Cup. They need to do something that requires this dude, Harry Potter, whoever the fuck that guy is. Um, lots of murder talk. There's lots of murder talk for sure. Like undeniable murder talk.
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:39
Just casual murder talk, you know, like to do with your bro.
 
Christina Kann  26:42
In front of the fireplace.
 
Mats Furuli  26:44
I mean, sometimes we do talk a lot of murder but that's usually specifically when we're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill.
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:53
Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  26:56
Or like a video game, just like murder murder.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:00
Now I'm just picturing for the Death Eaters playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, that would be a very dark version of that game. Extremely fucked up and dark version of that game.
 
Christina Kann  27:12
I'm trying to even remember -- like, none of the Death Eaters are even remotely sexy except for Bellatrix Lestrange and Daddy Malfoy. My honey. In this moment, Frank is like "I'm sorry that I said fuck the police. I think I actually would like some police at this time. Cuz there's a lot of murder talk."
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:35
*snottily* Um, why doesn't he just call them with his cell phone?
 
Christina Kann  27:41
Frank would never.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:43
He doesn't-- they don't exist yet. It is the 90s
 
Christina Kann  27:47
True. But also Frank would never.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:48
Also Frank would never, also he doesn't own a phone.
 
Christina Kann  27:51
Like don't call me.
 
Mats Furuli  27:52
Yeah, it was specified in this chapter that he does not in fact, own a phone.
 
Christina Kann  27:56
Yeah, that's true.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:56
He doesn't even have a landline, which I respect.
 
Christina Kann  28:00
No, you have to be able to call for help.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:02
No, no, he's a strong, independent, elderly man and he don't need no assistance from anybody ever for any reasons.
 
Mats Furuli  28:10
Except the fact that he's apparently very deaf.
 
Christina Kann  28:13
Honestly, you know what Frank needs? Does he have a cat? Does it mention that? Frank needs a pet; he needs an emotional support pet. But one that doesn't need him very much. But like a fat little cat would love plomping around the garden with him and then just like chilling out at night. Like "I don't really need to snuggle you but like I'm here if you need to talk."
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:32
Yeah, but then the cat would be alone after this.
 
Christina Kann  28:35
Cats figure it out. They would have gotten out and just like lived in the garden eating bugs forever. What a joyful life or a little fat rompy garden cat.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:44
You're very emotionally attached to this hypothetical cat.
 
Christina Kann  28:48
Imagine the adorable way in which Frank Bryce would love a cat that respected boundaries.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:54
You know what cat Frank Bryce should have and would love? Penny. Your cat Penny.
 
Christina Kann  28:59
Yeah, exactly. Just eat this little bug. Roll around in this little plant.
 
Mats Furuli  29:04
I thought you were about to say Bustopher Jones from Cats (2019).
 
Christina Kann  29:13
Okay, where the fuck were we?
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:16
We're talking murder. Everyone's talking murder. Something about Frank having a cat. Oh, Frank doesn't have a phone. But he should have a cat. And yes, we're talking murder.
 
Christina Kann  29:27
Thank you so much, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:28
You're very welcome.
 
Christina Kann  29:29
So Frank's like, "I'm gonna go to the police." But then Nagini, the giant snake, is like "Wait, I'm a giant snake and I would like to slither past you."
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:36
*I'm a snake impression*
 
Mats Furuli  29:38
*better I'm a snake impression*
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:41
Oh, you're too good at that.
 
Christina Kann  29:45
Man, I listened to a YouTube recording of someone reading this book today, this chapter, and it was like really, really, really bad. Like the reading was bad. And I won't say who it was obviously, but there's a lot of really excellent ones on YouTube. But this person reading pronounced it in "nah-genie."
 
Mats Furuli  30:04
I hate that.
 
Christina Kann  30:05
It was like they were just like reading a foreign language. They were like "I definitely know the sounds to make, but I'm not sure the meaning that exists in these words." It was very funny to me. Nah-genie really stuck with me.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:17
All I can think is it sounds like nagina. I don't know what that is. I don't know what a nagina would be.
 
Christina Kann  30:25
I was waiting for you to explain to me what that was.
 
Mats Furuli  30:29
It sounds like snake genitals.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:33
It would be a cloaca.
 
Mats Furuli  30:34
A magical cloaco is what nagina is. It always comes back to cloacas.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:42
It's cloacas all the way down, God dammit.
 
Mats Furuli  30:46
"Cloacas All the Way Down" written by John Green.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:50
He would.
 
Mats Furuli  30:50
I was contemplating putting in my notes "Does Peter Pettigrew have a cloaca?" just to be able to bring cloacas up.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:06
He doesn't but we got there in the end on our own just fine.
 
Christina Kann  31:09
We got there organically. Cloacas do come up organically a lot. This isn't even the first time I've talked about cloacas today because Sean and I in the car earlier were talking about-- well, we were talking about duck penises.
 
Mats Furuli  31:24
Wonderful.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:27
Those are also very upsetting. So Nagina and her nagina slither into the room.
 
Christina Kann  31:33
Yeah, so Frank is like, "This snake's gonna kill me." But Nagini's like "Don't even worry about it" and just goes right past. But then Nagini ostensibly tattletales on Frank for being in the hallways.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:46
Snitches get stitches.
 
Christina Kann  31:47
Yeah. Snitches get hisses.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:52
Boo.
 
Christina Kann  31:53
Thank you. So Wormtail opens the door and it's like, "Come on inside." And then Frank has some words for the armchair. My notes are really stupid for this section. And then Frank is like, "Face me like a man!" And then Lord Voldemort turns around.
 
Mats Furuli  32:15
He pulls off his helmet, reveals that is in fact, Eowyn. *singing* It was Eowyn all along.
 
Christina Kann  32:28
It do be Voldemort. Frank doesn't like what he sees, to say the least.
 
Mats Furuli  32:37
Shocker.
 
Christina Kann  32:38
And then there's a flash of green light. And then our boy Frank dies.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:43
Oof.
 
Mats Furuli  32:44
RIP.
 
Christina Kann  32:44
Yeah, RIP.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:45
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  32:46
"Two hundred miles away, the boy called Harry Potter awoke with a start."
 
Mats Furuli  32:50
And that's the end of the episode. Hopefully not...
 
Christina Kann  32:55
Honestly, at the end of that chapter, I'm like, "Oh, God, this was a really cool story. Do we have to go back to that Harry already?"
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:01
I know. Because you know the next chapter is gonna be "He was a very unusual boy. And for more than one reason!"
 
Christina Kann  33:11
Tune in next week for our thrilling coverage of that chapter. Oh, actually Sam O'Brien, host of Content and Capable, is going to be on that episode. So it'll probably be super fun anyway.
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:26
He'll make it fun.
 
Mats Furuli  33:27
I'm very much looking forward to that.
 
Christina Kann  33:29
Yeah. Dang. I'm actually kind of surprised that we got through this chapter so quickly.
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:34
I mean, we could talk a little bit about like, more and more in detail of what Wormtail and Voldemort were talking about, with like Bertha Jorkins and everything.
 
Christina Kann  33:42
Yeah, I did skim over most of that. Because really, it's just like, "Get ready for the rest of this book. Here's the events that are to come."
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:51
Yeah. First of all, after being a rat for 13 straight years, how does Peter Pettigrew pick up a lady? Because I feel like he didn't have game to begin with?
 
Mats Furuli  34:03
Yeah, that's in my notes as well. I don't think he has a wand at this point. So...
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:10
Yeah, so so no, he must have charmed her.
 
Mats Furuli  34:14
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:15
But like how?
 
Christina Kann  34:19
He literally was just like, "Yo, Bertha, it's me Peter Pettigrew. You thought I was dead. But like, we went to school together. Isn't it crazy that we're both in this place? Let's talk a little bit." And she's just a friendly idiot, which like, relatable. So I would be like, "Yeah! I knew you when we were kids. Let's go have dinner or whatever."
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:38
She might have even forgotten that he was supposed to be dead because her memory is all fucked up from getting her memory modified so badly.
 
Christina Kann  34:46
Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, rough. It's so rough.
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:49
Yeah, it's a bad time.
 
Mats Furuli  34:50
I forgot about the timeline. But yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, seriously, having your brain messed up by memory charm is like the only way that I can think of that Peter Pettigrew might possibly be able to seduce someone.
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:07
Yeah, how? How? That's all I'm asking. How?
 
Christina Kann  35:11
Wait, are we assuming that he seduced her? Or are we reading between the lines that he seduced her?
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:17
He got a woman to leave a bar with him while she was on vacation.
 
Christina Kann  35:23
I'm just telling you some people are just trusting.
 
Mats Furuli  35:26
I would still not trust someone who looked like Peter fucking Pettigrew.
 
Christina Kann  35:31
He is, like, really rough in the movies for sure.
 
Mats Furuli  35:33
Yeah, maybe I'm just like, seeing Timothy Spall, but like--
 
Christina Kann  35:38
I think that's the idea, though.
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:40
I mean, he's described I think in the books as being more milquetoast, just a very normal -- like, if he wasn't a wizard and a turncoat spy thing, he would look like a mailman.
 
Christina Kann  35:54
I was gonna say like the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows.
 
Mats Furuli  35:58
Yeah, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  35:59
What's his name? Do we know?
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:00
Do we know?
 
Christina Kann  36:01
Welp, doesn't matter.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:02
No, he has a name.
 
Christina Kann  36:03
He definitely has a name. I just don't remember what it is. It's probably something like Mark or like Michael or something.
 
clip  36:07
My name is Colin Robinson. And I am what's known as a psychic vampire, or energy vampire.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:15
Yeah, something as made in a lab to be as forgettable as humanly possible. Sorry to all of the Mikes that we're friends with. All eight thousand of you.
 
Christina Kann  36:28
Okay, anything else we want to touch on before we wrap up this chapter? I do like what you said about it being a hobbity because it is hoppity.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:36
Yeah, just in tone. I mean, like more dark.
 
Christina Kann  36:40
Yeah, but the beginning for sure was very hobbity.
 
Mats Furuli  36:44
I have a note that I was contemplating just leaving out because it's so long, on the topic of Peter Pettigrew's hitherto unknown abilities. I feel like a lot of people shit on Peter -- a lot of people seem to think that he's a really terrible wizard. Like, he does have some magical prowess. Like he outsmarts and out-magics Sirius Black when he is confronted on the street. He's able to blow up the street, and he cuts off his finger in order to fake his own death, which is extremely cunning. The fact that he's able to blow up the street, killing 12 people, with his wand behind his back, before Sirius is able to react, is kind of impressive. He's also the person, I think -- possibly with help -- but I think mostly Peter Pettigrew was the person who brewed the potion that allowed Voldemort to regain a temporary body, the body that we see in this chapter, as well as the potion that got Voldemort his full body.
 
Haley Simpkiss  38:10
Yeah, I mean, you could say if he's receiving instruction on that, it doesn't count. But also, Harry and his whole class, whenever they are in Snape's class, are receiving instruction the entire time, and they still managed to fuck up pretty frequently. And this is like some Restricted Section -- heyyyyyy Restricted Section! This is one of those Restricted Section fucked-up potions that are really complicated. So I think you're onto something.
 
Mats Furuli  38:13
You could argue that a lot of the reason why people fuck up in Snape's class is the fact that Snape is a really terrifying person. But so is fucking Voldemort. Like Voldemort is more terrifying. So I feel like the risk of fucking up under Voldemort's supervision is way bigger than under Snape's. And also, I could be getting the timeline wrong, but I think Wormtail must have been the person who brewed the Polyjuice Potion for Barty Crouch Jr. because it takes a month to make. I don't think Barty Crouch Jr. would have come back to Voldemort in time to brew that potion.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:26
I think Barty was making his own on the sly because Snape does accuse Harry of stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients again, because he's like, "I know it was you. I can't prove it. But I fucking know it was you the first time two years ago and I know it's you now" and Harry's like, "I genuinely do not know what you're talking about."
 
Christina Kann  39:49
...This time.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:50
This time.
 
Mats Furuli  39:52
He was transformed into Mad-Eye Moody when he got to Hogwarts, so there must have been at least some amount of Polyjuice Potion.
 
Haley Simpkiss  40:04
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
 
Mats Furuli  40:06
There's also the fact that he was able -- I mean, he was getting help, but like -- he was able to becoming an animagus at fucking 15 years old. We keep hearing from Sirius and Voldemort that he's this complete fucking dumbass. But other than like maybe the fact that he did fuck up the question on his OWLs about werewolf signs despite the fact that he is actively running around with a werewolf every fucking full moon -- other than that, I don't think we really see, at least to me, any convincing evidence that Peter Pettigrew is that big of a dumbass. He seems like he's pretty good at magic in general and also extremely cunning. I fucking hate Peter Pettigrew. He's the absolute worst. Insert Jean-Ralphio "The Worst" clip.
 
clip  41:03
The woooOOOooooOOOoooOoOoOOooorst.
 
Mats Furuli  41:07
People should be getting giving him more credit when it comes to magical prowess.
 
Christina Kann  41:13
I guess when he spends 12 years as a rat, he just becomes so deeply pathetic during that time, like cowardly and pathetic, that it's like whatever skill he has, it's like "You're still just an absolute piece of shit."
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:30
Yeah, I think you're right Mats. I do think that he's a lot more talented than most people assume. But that kind of just makes him very easy to underestimate.
 
Christina Kann  41:46
I was just gonna say that's like, his whole thing is that people were underestimating him the whole time. And also to this very day.
 
Mats Furuli  41:53
He's like a dark-side Neville Longbottom.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:55
Oh, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  41:58
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:59
It sounds like his main issue was honestly confidence.
 
Mats Furuli  42:03
Other than the fact that he's a shitty person, but you know.
 
Haley Simpkiss  42:05
Well, I mean, also that. His issue internally that leads him to "Well, okay, I just need to find the most powerful friends possible because I suck."
 
Mats Furuli  42:16
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  42:16
But I don't know. It kind of sounds like it didn't need to fucking go this way, dude, but you made purchases. Have fun living as a rat and then working for this dude.
 
Christina Kann  42:26
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  42:27
12 years of it! In Ratskaban.
 
Christina Kann  42:34
Oh my god. Okay, great. Well, let's move on. Let's wrap it on up. Before we get into plugs, I would like to invite all of our beloved listeners to consider signing up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our Discord community, which is very, very fun, and Haley and Mats and I are all there very consistently, so come chat nerd shit with us. You can also get access to our bonus episodes on our Patreon. This month's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction.
 
Mats Furuli  43:12
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:16
I started reading and sort of rereading. It's a bad time.
 
Christina Kann  43:20
Catch Haley on that episode. It's gonna be really fun.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:24
*clearly in pain* Yep, it will.
 
Christina Kann  43:26
Yeah, so head over to our Patreon to get access to that. The link is in the show notes. Haley, would you like to tell people where they can find you on the internet?
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:35
I would like to tell people where they can find me on the internet. Thank you for not letting me forget this time. I'm Haley. You can hear my dulcet tones on Sundays with the Movie Night Crew just talking shit about movies. Not even talking shit. Sometimes talking shit, and then sometimes just critical analysis, but it's a lot of talking shit. And you can find me on Twitter if you must @thewrit_towit. And my plug for this week -- I'm gotta be super creative and plug Bo Burnham's Inside. It's on Netflix. If you choose to watch it, and you are a person who has ever struggled with mental health, just be careful, hydrate, have tissues on hand, and maybe have someone you can talk to afterwards because at least one line, probably more, is going to rip your actual soul out. But it's very well done.
 
Mats Furuli  44:37
Like a dementor.
 
Christina Kann  44:40
I was gonna say, a finishing move.
 
Mats Furuli  44:44
Finish him!
 
Christina Kann  44:44
Thank you so much for that glowing recommendation, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  44:47
You're welcome.
 
Christina Kann  44:48
Mats, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Mats Furuli  44:50
Yeah, so I'm on Twitter and Instagram. My handle for both is @mdotfur.
 
Christina Kann  44:59
Do you have anything you've watched or read or listened to or done recently that you would like to recommend to our listeners?
 
Mats Furuli  45:07
Yeah, I actually have two plugs, and I'll try to keep these plugs kind of brief.
 
Christina Kann  45:14
Mats did ask permission to bring two plugs before we recorded. Very respectful.
 
Mats Furuli  45:22
Yeah, so weirdly, the thing that I'm always the most nervous about when it comes to recording podcast episodes, is whenever I have to actually plug something. I feel like I'm really bad at talking about the things that I love and why I love them. So that's always kind of nerve-wracking. So, of course, I had to make myself do it twice today. So you know.
 
Haley Simpkiss  45:52
We did establish earlier that you like torturing yourself.
 
Mats Furuli  45:54
That is true. That is very true.
 
Christina Kann  45:57
This is a safe space to just share your plugs and like don't even worry about it.
 
Mats Furuli  46:01
Great. Okay. Yeah. So my first plug is a book series called The Kingkiller Chronicles. It's a hard one to describe and make it sound like it's actually a compelling series. If I were to describe the plot, it would probably sound something along the lines of "Young boy goes to school, tries to get into a library." His biggest goal for the entire first book is to get into a library, but he can't. That's more or less the entire plot of the first book. The first book is called the Name of the Wind, by the way. I think one of the big reasons why I love the book so much, or the series, is the fact that it's set in this Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-esque magical world, but it's such a tiny and contained story. It's a really small story, so you really get to know the characters in that story. But so much of the world on a geographical basis is unexplored and it allows for so many potential future series, and I'm really excited. I'm so excited for book three to come out.
 
Christina Kann  47:25
Hell yeah, Haley and I have both read -- well, I read the Name of the Wind, but you read both of them, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  47:31
I have a first printing of the second book that I got signed by Patrick Rothfuss.
 
Mats Furuli  47:38
No way. Wow, I'm so fucking jealous. I recently just got a really beautiful cover or like, copy, of the two books. And like I posted pictures of those on Instagram. They're just the prettiest things I've ever seen in my life.
 
Christina Kann  48:04
They were very beautiful.
 
Mats Furuli  48:05
And really expensive! I think getting my hands on both of the books would cost me about $500. So yeah, that is money that I don't currently possess.
 
Christina Kann  48:14
Those are books that you put in a glass case out for people to gaze at as they walk past.
 
Mats Furuli  48:19
Exactly. I would never opened ever in my life. Yeah, so my second plug is a D&D action play series called Dimension 20. Often when people talk about really great D&D series or shows, it's in audio, podcast format. And you can listen to some of it on a podcast. But I will say, by far the best experience is to watch it on -- some of it is on YouTube. But all of it -- and I believe it's completely uncensored -- is on College Humor's streaming service, Dropout. It's really great. Yeah, it costs money, but it's honestly so worth it. But one of the series is called Fantasy High. It's basically if you took every John Hughes eighties rom com, but everything was fantasy, magical, and it's just absolutely wonderful and delightful. Another is called A Crowd of Candy. It's basically Game of Thrones, but everything is made of food. So the like royal family is made of candy and they're like--
 
Christina Kann  48:21
Oh my god, like Princess Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph.
 
Mats Furuli  49:51
Exactly. It's delightful.
 
Christina Kann  49:54
Or Princess Bubblegum.
 
Haley Simpkiss  49:56
No, it's it's Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph, Princess Bubblegum is Adventure Time.
 
Christina Kann  50:02
Yeah. I was saying as an additional example. Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  50:06
And yeah, another is a really short series, but it's called Tiny Heist. It's basically Toy Story meets Ocean's 11, which is like two of my favorite movies ever.
 
Christina Kann  50:19
You said Tiny Heist?
 
Mats Furuli  50:21
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  50:22
Oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  50:22
I love that so much.
 
Haley Simpkiss  50:24
Those are all really cool premises.
 
Christina Kann  50:26
Yeah, that sounds very creative.
 
Mats Furuli  50:29
One that finished recently is called, I believe, Misfits and Magic. Basically, four American teenagers attend a Hogwarts-esque wizard school as foreign exchange students. And it takes place in a world in which the Harry Potter series exists. And it's just the best people ever. And yeah, I highly recommend it.
 
Christina Kann  50:59
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christinakann. I also have another Twitter called @booksoocontext, where I post lines from books out of context. I started out while I was reading Percy Jackson, because there's a lot of really good ones. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'd like to recommend a graphic novel that I read over the summer called Bloom, written by Kevin Panetta and illustrated by Savannah Ganucheau. It's a very cute little graphic novel about two boys who fall in love in a bakery. It's just like a really wholesome, YA romance. I love it so much. It's so sweet and mellow. So buy it from your local bookstore, maybe. And our local bookstore here is Fountain Bookstore, and I think you can order through the mail from them if you would like to support our beloved local bookstore. Haley, thank you so much for being here with me today on this very first episode of the Goblet of Fire.
 
Haley Simpkiss  52:21
Happy to be here.
 
Christina Kann  52:22
Yeah. And Mats, thank you for joining us. It is a pleasure as always when you're here.
 
Mats Furuli  52:26
Aw, thank you so much for having me. It's been a great time and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to join you for another chapter for about a book and a half. So...
 
Christina Kann  52:39
Well, you were on like two episodes ago, so I'm sure we'll find a way to make it happen.
 
Mats Furuli  52:44
I can't wait.
 
Christina Kann  52:45
And as a reminder, if you haven't watched Puffs and listen to our summer episode that covered Puffs, you absolutely should. That's my other plug. My followup plug.
 
Haley Simpkiss  52:53
Yeah, I'll second that plug.
 
Christina Kann  52:58
Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading Gardening for Muggles before this book spontaneously combust! Bye.