Haley Simpkiss, Mats Furuli, Christina Kann
Christina Kann 00:02
"Out in the corridor, Frank suddenly became aware that the hand gripping his walking stick was slippery with sweat. The man with the cold voice had killed a woman. He was talking about it without any kind of remorse; with amusement. He was dangerous a madman, and he was planning more murders. This boy -- Harry Potter, whoever he was -- was in danger. Frank knew what he must do. Now if ever was the time to go to the police. He would creep out of the house and head straight for the telephone box in the village. But the cold voice was speaking again, and Frank remained where he was, frozen to the spot listening with all his might."
What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and examine the ways that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today:
Chapter One, The Riddle House. The Goblet of Fire starts not with Harry but with Frank Bryce, gardener of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. 50 years ago, the rich and snobby Riddle family was found dead in their home and everyone figured that Frank had done it. After all, he was an introvert with PTSD and a limp. What a villain! But when the autopsies came back, his name was cleared. The three family members were evidently not even murdered. In fact, there was nothing wrong with them at all when they died except for expressions of supreme terror on their faces. Fast forward 50 years, and Frank is super old now. No one has ever really forgiven him for being an introvert with PTSD who was geographically near a mass murder. So he's used to kids fucking up his garden and even breaking into the Riddle House. One night his stiff leg wakes him up and he sees a flickering light on in an upstairs window of the manor. Real horror story shit, yeah? So he goes in, and he goes upstairs, listening in on the two men who are chatting inside. What are they chatting about? you ask. Murder! Murders they committed, murders they aspire to commit. Frank's just getting ready to go to the police when a giant snake slides past him and into the room. The snake presumably tattles on Frank for eavesdropping, so the men invite him into the room. What Frank sees inside that room absolutely shocks him, but it doesn't matter. There's a flash of green light, and our dear Frank is dead. Across the country, Harry Potter wakes with a start from a very alarming dream.
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we will break into your house and start a fire! I am joined today by my most esteemed colleague, coworker, and dare I say co-conspirator, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 03:06
Hey, how's it going?
Christina Kann 03:08
Good. Say hello to the listeners, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 03:10
Hello, listeners. I'm Haley.
Christina Kann 03:12
Have you missed them?
Haley Simpkiss 03:13
I have missed them. Have you missed me, listener?
Mats Furuli 03:16
Yes, I have.
Haley Simpkiss 03:20
They're here! Oh God!
Christina Kann 03:24
As you can hear, I'm sure our special guest today his friend of the pod Mats! Say hello to the listeners much.
Mats Furuli 03:31
Hello to the listeners, Mats!
Christina Kann 03:34
You can catch Mats if you haven't already, or revisit. He was on our other episodes of the pod, The Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9, Part Two: Grim Defeat. And you also, Mats, came on to talk about Puffs, which was our special summer bonus episode this past summer.
Mats Furuli 03:51
Haley Simpkiss 03:51
That episode was so much fun.
Christina Kann 03:53
I listen to it by far more than any other episode.
Haley Simpkiss 03:58
It's so wholesome.
Christina Kann 03:59
It's very wholesome. I do recommend it.
Mats Furuli 04:02
I listened to it for the first time the other day because I hate my voice and listening to myself talk is a nightmare.
Haley Simpkiss 04:10
Welcome to podcasting. We all feel that way.
Christina Kann 04:14
All the listeners are gonna be like, "What? I came here specifically to listen to you."
Mats Furuli 04:21
Well, I never do that.
Christina Kann 04:24
That is one of those weird human things where it's just like, that can't be me. That's not right at all.
Mats Furuli 04:30
Every time I listen to a podcast and one of the hosts talks about loving hearing themselves talk, I'm like, "Fucking hell, I wish I could relate to that."
Christina Kann 04:42
I love to hear myself talk when I'm not being obnoxious. So like, not a lot.
Mats Furuli 04:49
I always love hearing you guys talk. I just finished re listening to the podcast last night and I promptly stopped relistening. So one of the last things that entered my earholes before this recording was Andrew singing the entire Sorting Hat Song.
*flashback clip* Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see.
Christina Kann 05:18
Oh my god. That is one of my most like beloved memories on this podcast.
Haley Simpkiss 05:23
Oh god. That was like right before COVID wasn't it?
Christina Kann 05:25
Yeah, it was the last episode.
Haley Simpkiss 05:27
Yeah. Oh man. He is never happier than when he is either singing or telling you about his elaborate plans for hypothetical future situations.
Mats Furuli 05:38
I could not relate more.
Christina Kann 05:41
So gang we're here at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. We're standing on the precipice. I know! Are you even ready? Because this book is a lot.
Haley Simpkiss 05:51
Mats Furuli 05:52
I'm extremely ready.
Haley Simpkiss 05:54
We're gonna get through it together as friends
Christina Kann 05:56
We're gonna get through it together. Oh god. Oh dear. It's fine. It's fine. Probably no one will die.
Haley Simpkiss 06:04
One person might die.
Christina Kann 06:05
Up to one person Well, up to two people. #DontForget -- wait, #NeverForgetBerthaJorkins.
Haley Simpkiss 06:15
Oh, wait three Frank. Sorry. Spoilers for this chapter.
Christina Kann 06:23
How can I forget that Frank dies at the end of this very chapter? Okay, so three. Um, before we get started, I would love to just get a little bit from y'all about your experience with this book specifically. Mats, if I remember correctly, you read the book series originally really out of order.
Mats Furuli 06:42
Christina Kann 06:44
So when did you read Goblet of Fire in that order?
Mats Furuli 06:47
I have no idea when I first listened to it, but I believe it was the third book that I read.
Christina Kann 06:55
Mats Furuli 06:56
Order the Phoenix. Deathly Hallows.
Christina Kann 06:58
Mats Furuli 06:59
Goblet of Fire. Half-Blood Prince. And then 3, 2, 1.
Haley Simpkiss 07:04
Okay. All right.
Mats Furuli 07:06
In short, the order of longest books is shortest.
Haley Simpkiss 07:10
I guess that's one way to do it.
Mats Furuli 07:13
You know, the way you're supposed to read books.
Christina Kann 07:18
Awesome. Haley, do you remember reading this for the first time?
Haley Simpkiss 07:21
Not specifically, I don't think. I think that, you know, when my mom started reading the books to me -- because that was how I experienced the Harry Potter books for the first time was my mom read them out loud to me. And then it became like a tradition every time a new book would come out, we would sit on the couch and have popcorn and she would read through the whole thing, and I would usually rub her feet. And it was just a really beautiful experience. But when we first started it, I think the first three books were already out.
Christina Kann 07:49
Haley Simpkiss 07:49
I think three had just come out.
Christina Kann 07:51
I really think that they were, for a while there, promoting them as a trilogy. And I think that's when literally our entire friend group pretty much picked them up, when that trilogy was being promoted.
Haley Simpkiss 08:02
Right. So the fourth one is the one that I kind of remember going to buy for the first time. I remember a lot of specifics from number four -- just specific scenes. I remember my mom and I finally figuring out that her mind his name was not Hermy-own.
Christina Kann 08:20
Yes. JK Voldemort had to write a scene explaining how to pronounce one of the main characters names.
Mats Furuli 08:28
It's so good.
Haley Simpkiss 08:30
You know, we didn't have the internet. The internet didn't work like that yet. We didn't know. Okay.
Christina Kann 08:37
Also, I mean, Viktor Krum really likes Hermione, and he can't pronounce her name either. So like, I guess it doesn't really matter. She's pretty good natured about it.
Haley Simpkiss 08:47
True. What about you, Christina? What was your first experience?
Christina Kann 08:51
I have like flashes of reading this for the first time. I've definitely mentioned this on the podcast before, that I learned a lot of words from reading this book. And this is like the first one, I think, that was using vocabulary that was slightly beyond me. I certainly had never read a book this long before. I think this was actually a really helpful step up for me in terms of my reading level. It helped me feel like I could read bigger books with words that maybe I didn't know in it.
Haley Simpkiss 09:22
I would agree with that.
Christina Kann 09:24
Yeah, I love it. I do love this book. It's like so layered and beautiful. And every time I revisit it, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!" I forgot because the movie had to leave out so much of this in a way that it didn't have to the first three.
Haley Simpkiss 09:39
Christina Kann 09:40
So here we are at the beginning. I'm almost afraid to get started.
Haley Simpkiss 09:46
Do you have a point that you want to start with? Or, like, do you want like, do you want me to facilitate?
Christina Kann 09:51
The first bullet point of my notes says, "Oh my god, it's the beginning." So that's where we are.
Mats Furuli 09:58
That's a way better point than my first point, which is the lack of Oxford commas in this chapter fucking pisses me off.
Christina Kann 10:04
Yeah, I did clock that as well. So this chapter starts in the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. It used to be like a nice manor, but it's dilapidated now. And Harry Potter is nowhere to be seen in this chapter until the very end. This is like a different book right now. And they give us the old legend that 50 years ago, the Riddle family's maid found the whole family mysteriously dead in the drawing room.
Mats Furuli 10:35
Christina Kann 10:36
What is the drawing room? Why is it called that? Is it for drawing?,
Haley Simpkiss 10:41
Just gonna pop out my encyclopedia bullshit here.
Mats Furuli 10:45
Haley Simpkiss 10:47
"Drawing" comes from "withdrawing." If you lived in a manor house, you had your parlor for formal after-dinner, like sitting down having your brandy and coffee. And then you had the withdrawing room, which was like, there's couches and the fire and you write letters there and you might have books. It's like the casual living room versus the formal living room. So that's what the drawing room is.
Christina Kann 11:12
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much, Haley. I'm not surprised you know that. This Riddle family was very snobby and everyone hates them. But it's the mystery of this murder is why everyone is so obsessed with it. They were rich and shitty, and then they died mysteriously. So on the night when they died, the whole village is hanging out in the Hanged Man bar/pub.
Haley Simpkiss 11:42
Christina Kann 11:43
I don't like that! Any other name kinda.
Mats Furuli 11:48
I mean, we are currently in a world in which the main school is called Hogwarts, which, you know, is kind of just the grossest fucking thing ever.
Christina Kann 12:04
But it sounds funny.
Mats Furuli 12:07
Nobody really knows what it is.
Haley Simpkiss 12:10
Have you ever been to the UK? Like, every other pub is called like, the Crown and Rose or like the Rose or the Lion or something. So like, you got to you got to differentiate yourself somehow, man. Sometimes it's with a hanged guy. I don't know. "What do we have? We're England. What do we even have? Ummm hangings!"
Christina Kann 12:31
The only thing that's ever happened in this town. So everyone's hanging out at the Hanged Man talking about like, what even happened? And the Riddle family's cook comes in to say that Frank Bryce, the gardener, has been arrested. They are debating about him. Is he nice? Is he rude? He really definitely is just an introvert with PTSD.
Haley Simpkiss 12:59
Something I noticed reading this chapter that I would like to get your opinions on: I get Hobbit vibes from this chapter. Like the style of the writing, the way it's written.
Christina Kann 13:09
Haley Simpkiss 13:10
Or like the first chapter of Lord of the Rings where they're talking about, like the plans for Bilbo's birthday party and it's all ramping up. This is kind of that same tone of like, you're in an outside perspective, looking in on a sliver of this bigger adventure, but like from the perspectives of the neighbors, just like the boring, nosy neighbors.
Mats Furuli 13:36
I didn't think about that. But yeah.
Christina Kann 13:37
The cook has big Lobelia energy.
Haley Simpkiss 13:40
Yeah, she does. She does have big Lobelia energy. Like if they called this pub the Green Dragon, I would be like, "Are we in the Shire?" These people sound like hobbits; they talk like hobbits.
Christina Kann 13:52
What a better name for a pub. So the facts are thus: Frank is the only person who had a key to the house and there was no sign of forced entry. So in the end, the villagers -- the gossipers -- they create this narrative that he acts weird, so he's probably guilty. Because that's how small villages be.
Haley Simpkiss 14:16
Small towns do be that way.
Mats Furuli 14:18
Christina Kann 14:19
Yeah. So at this time, while this is going on, Frank is at the police station defending himself. He claimed that he saw a kid wandering around the property that night, but no one believes him. And like, frankly, it's not a very convincing fact. You know, it's like "What? Just a kid?" He just saw a kid.
Haley Simpkiss 14:37
Yeah, but I live in a small town and it was a weird kid I've never seen before. So that's what I've got for ya.
Christina Kann 14:43
Mats Furuli 14:45
Can you like at least please look into it please, please, before you sentence sentence an innocent man to jail or death?
Christina Kann 14:52
Right, the Hanged Man.
Mats Furuli 14:55
The Hanged Man probably serves as a bar as well as an execution place.
Christina Kann 15:01
Oh my god.
Haley Simpkiss 15:02
I wouldn't be surprised. But if the guy in question is like weird and quiet, he's clearly guilty. Obviously.
Mats Furuli 15:11
I'd be so fucked in 1920s Britain.
Haley Simpkiss 15:14
Christina Kann 15:16
So the only thing that really saves Frank in the end is the fact that like the autopsy comes back with nothing. It's like "You're completely fine, but you are dead, for sure. But like besides that, you're fine."
Haley Simpkiss 15:29
I do love this line: They appear to be completely healthy despite being dead. "The doctors did note (as though determined to find something wrong with the bodies) that each of the Riddles had a look of terror upon his or her face." Weird.
Christina Kann 15:48
I do like that parenthetical.
Haley Simpkiss 15:51
Christina Kann 15:52
So that's kind of that. So Frank, get -- he gets let go -- they let him go. Stupid sentence. He's free. He goes free. He didn't -- he -- there's no evidence that he did anything, including any evidence of literal murder other than dead bodies. So Frank just like stays there, and the house gets passed from owner to owner. But like no one wanted to live there, which I get. It seems scary. It became all dilapidated. And Frank just keeps living there.
Haley Simpkiss 16:23
I had like a thought, just like a missed opportunity thought, when they're talking about like the people who lived there. "Neither family stayed long. Perhaps it was partly because of Frank that each new owner said there was a nasty feeling about the place." And like, were any of the Horcruxes hidden in the old rental house? Because--
Christina Kann 16:45
No! That's good though.
Haley Simpkiss 16:48
It would have worked really well. That would have been a really good easter egg.
Christina Kann 16:52
Oh, yeah. Maybe every time you walk into a building and get a weird feeling, it's because they're so Horcrux hidden there.
Mats Furuli 16:58
Haley Simpkiss 16:59
Or asbestos. One of the two.
Mats Furuli 17:03
I kind of love the idea that the weird, creepy, horrible feeling comes from the fact that there is a Horcrux there.
Christina Kann 17:13
Yeah. would have been good. I mean, and he had a lot to hide.
Haley Simpkiss 17:16
Yeah. But, one of the ones that Dumbledore found -- like the maybe the ring was -- I don't remember. I don't remember.
Christina Kann 17:25
The ring was in the Gaunts' house.
Mats Furuli 17:26
Haley Simpkiss 17:28
This would have been better.
Christina Kann 17:29
This would have been better.
Haley Simpkiss 17:30
Never mind. It's fine. It's fine.
Christina Kann 17:31
And honestly, if he hid it in this house, it has a built in guard dog because Frank still is around protecting the place.
Haley Simpkiss 17:40
Christina Kann 17:41
That'd be funny. So then it cuts to present day, and Frank is old. It says he's very deaf, but then he eavesdrops the whole conversation, so he's not very deaf.
Mats Furuli 17:52
Christina Kann 17:54
He can be like, slightly hard of hearing, but he's definitely not very deaf. Unless he has -- oh my god. You know how in the Hobbit, one of the hobbits has like a listening horn, an ear trumpet! That's what they're called.
Haley Simpkiss 18:07
It's just never mentioned, but he is carrying it through this whole thing.
Mats Furuli 18:13
Doesn't one of the headmaster portraits in Dumbledore's office have one of those?
Christina Kann 18:19
Oh, my God. That is such a small detail. I cannot believe that you remember that? But of course, Haley remembers.
Haley Simpkiss 18:27
Which movie is that? I remember what you're talking about. But like, which movie is that?
Mats Furuli 18:30
I don't even know if it's a movie.
Haley Simpkiss 18:32
Well, I remember it visually. It might also be in the book, but I feel like I remember seeing it.
Christina Kann 18:40
That's the kind of tiny cute thing that someone would pull for the movie. You know, since we're animating a bunch of old dudes anyway, throw an ear horn in there. It's magical. That's where they got the technology to start developing the Extendable Ears in the next book.
Haley Simpkiss 18:54
There you go.
Christina Kann 18:55
Frank just lives on the property kind of gardening? Probably just mostly grumping around with his cane.
Haley Simpkiss 19:01
Christina Kann 19:03
Yeah. This would be your life.
Haley Simpkiss 19:06
Yes, it would I want this job.
Mats Furuli 19:08
Just like stumbling around in your bog.
Haley Simpkiss 19:12
If I can't get a bog I want to be a reclusive gardener. Either's fine. There's mention of -- there's a wealthy new owner who continues to pay Frank to do the gardening. And as far as anyone knows, he keeps the property for tax reasons. Do we think that's Dumbledore? Do we think Dumbledore bought Tom Riddle's dad's house?
Christina Kann 19:35
That would have been really amazing if there was a Horcrux hidden inside.
Haley Simpkiss 19:44
A wealthy, mysterious owner who keeps it for quote-unquote tax reasons. Doesn't that sound like the kind of bullshit lie that wizards would come up with? "We're not even really trying but you're not gonna question it."
Christina Kann 19:53
Yeah, like "I don't really know a lot about muggles, but I know they for sure do taxes. Those sound terrble."
Haley Simpkiss 20:00
At the end of this book, Dumbledore does have a paper from Little Hangleton. He pays attention to what was going on in the area. I think Dumbledore owns the house.
Christina Kann 20:11
Interesting. I like that interpretation. I just thought it was someone who was trying to like claim residency in like a certain -- What are they called? What are what is Britain ... like divided into? Is it territories? Is it counties? Counties seems like a British thing.
Haley Simpkiss 20:29
I know that counties are a thing in Ireland
Christina Kann 20:31
No, it's not principalities. Principalities are ruled by princes. No, I think it might be counties.
Christina Kann 20:42
Okay. I forget what the whole rest of the sentence was until I got confused about the word "counties." Let's move on. The village is shitty about the house. They harass Frank and they fuck up his gardening and they break into the house and they light things on fire. And so when he wakes up in the middle of the night one night and he sees that there's lights on in the Riddle House, he just assumes that it's more asshole muggle kids playing pranks. He's a worthy opponent for a bunch of teenagers playing pranks.
Haley Simpkiss 21:20
Yeah. damn kids. If only. If only it actually was the damn kids.
Mats Furuli 21:25
Yeah, fucking Voldemort. Spoiler! All spoilers all the time! It's Voldemort.
Christina Kann 21:31
It is. It is fucking Voldemort.
Mats Furuli 21:32
It do be Voldemort.
Haley Simpkiss 21:35
It do be Voldemort.
Mats Furuli 21:38
When Harry's just like, "I think my scar is hurting. I think something's going on," most of the time it do indeed be Voldemort.
Haley Simpkiss 21:47
I feel like that's most of like books four and five particularly. "What's going on?" It do be Voldemort.
Christina Kann 21:54
It do be Voldemort. Because at the end of book five, it becomes public knowledge that he's out there. So he has to become like more subtle.
Haley Simpkiss 22:03
The Daily Prophet headline the next day after they finally admit it: "IT DO BE VOLDEMORT."
Christina Kann 22:16
They fired Rita Skeeter and had to get the interns stuff and they were like, "This is the best headline I could come up with."
Mats Furuli 22:23
Oh my god.
Haley Simpkiss 22:24
It gets the point across. So yeah, yeah. He thinks it's teenagers lighting fires, like they do. And it's not.
Christina Kann 22:32
It's not. It is not. Frank says "fuck the police" since he's still mad that they interrogated him one time 50 years ago... for a crime that it did kind of look like he might have committed. Yeah, so he's like, "I'm not gonna call the police. I'm gonna like go kick these kids out myself." He lets himself into the house and then he sneaks up the stairs. Baby. Please stop. Go back, please.
Haley Simpkiss 23:02
There is a line-- You know how sometimes you'll read something and a line from it will just like stick with you? Just like get in your head? Where he's going up the stairs and it says he's he's "blessing the dust" that's muffling his footsteps. I don't know why that line has always stuck with me. But I I don't know. It's just been in my head since I was like nine.
Mats Furuli 23:25
It's been in my head since like, yesterday when I started reading this chapter to prepare. But yes, that is something that I clocked as well, but only on this reading.
Haley Simpkiss 23:34
It's just an it's just an interesting line.
Mats Furuli 23:37
Christina Kann 23:38
Yeah, it is interesting.
Haley Simpkiss 23:39
Weird way to phrase it.
Christina Kann 23:42
But I do, a lot of the time, reading through Harry Potter, come across lines where it's just like "I recognize you specifically." You know what I mean? Like "This sentence for sure. I know this one."
Haley Simpkiss 23:52
Christina Kann 23:54
I've been here before. It's the opposite of the Gandalf meme.
Haley Simpkiss 23:58
I have a memory of this place.
Christina Kann 24:00
I have a memory of this place. I have up to 15 memories of this place. So in the room, two men are speaking. One of them has a normal voice and then the other one has a scary, evil-maybe-sounding voice. "A cold, high-pitched voice," which I have a really hard time envisioning until I saw Puffs. Because the Voldemort in Puffs has a voice like Him from Powerpuff Girls. The Voldemort in the movies, I think because they need you to take them seriously, doesn't really have that kind of voice.
Haley Simpkiss 24:36
Because the guy in Puffs was doing a honestly better impression of what Ray -- Ray Fiennes? I think Ray Fiennes did a good job. But the dude in Puffs, even though he was hamming it up, that's kind of what I was envisioning. Because it's not so much high pitched as it's just really thin and breathy.
Mats Furuli 25:00
Christina Kann 25:00
Yeah, like like Marilyn Monroe
Haley Simpkiss 25:02
Like he's fucked up his vocal cords in hearing it like weird, magical experiments on himself or something.
Christina Kann 25:10
In the right context, it's funny to hear like that kind of voice. But if you were in genuine danger, and you heard that voice it would be incredibly chilling.
Haley Simpkiss 25:19
Mats Furuli 25:19
Voldemort is like the most dramatic wizard, so yeah.
Haley Simpkiss 25:23
Yeah, in a society that is, as we've established many a time, all about the drama.
Mats Furuli 25:27
Hell yeah! I was so badly hoping we'd get to do that.
Haley Simpkiss 25:31
Oh Mats, I would never let you down. Of course, I was gonna do it.
Mats Furuli 25:35
Oh, hell yeah.
Christina Kann 25:37
Voldemort is like way more dramatic than even Dumbledore. When we get to the end of this book, he is like, "Excuse me while I monologue for four straight chapters."
Haley Simpkiss 25:50
Christina Kann 25:51
And then he does it.
Haley Simpkiss 25:52
Yeah! He has a captive audience! He has a literal captive audience! It's a 14-year-old boy, but you know.
Mats Furuli 26:00
You sly dog, you caught me monologuing.
Christina Kann 26:05
Okay, these two people, these two dudes, are talking about some things that Frank doesn't really understand. He is like, "My ears must be full of ear wax because what the fuck is Quidditch?" So he's listening to this stuff without any context. They're planning something. They're gonna wait until after the Quidditch Cup. They need to do something that requires this dude, Harry Potter, whoever the fuck that guy is. Um, lots of murder talk. There's lots of murder talk for sure. Like undeniable murder talk.
Haley Simpkiss 26:39
Just casual murder talk, you know, like to do with your bro.
Christina Kann 26:42
In front of the fireplace.
Mats Furuli 26:44
I mean, sometimes we do talk a lot of murder but that's usually specifically when we're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill.
Haley Simpkiss 26:53
Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah.
Christina Kann 26:56
Or like a video game, just like murder murder.
Haley Simpkiss 27:00
Now I'm just picturing for the Death Eaters playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, that would be a very dark version of that game. Extremely fucked up and dark version of that game.
Christina Kann 27:12
I'm trying to even remember -- like, none of the Death Eaters are even remotely sexy except for Bellatrix Lestrange and Daddy Malfoy. My honey. In this moment, Frank is like "I'm sorry that I said fuck the police. I think I actually would like some police at this time. Cuz there's a lot of murder talk."
Haley Simpkiss 27:35
*snottily* Um, why doesn't he just call them with his cell phone?
Christina Kann 27:41
Frank would never.
Haley Simpkiss 27:43
He doesn't-- they don't exist yet. It is the 90s
Christina Kann 27:47
True. But also Frank would never.
Haley Simpkiss 27:48
Also Frank would never, also he doesn't own a phone.
Christina Kann 27:51
Like don't call me.
Mats Furuli 27:52
Yeah, it was specified in this chapter that he does not in fact, own a phone.
Christina Kann 27:56
Yeah, that's true.
Haley Simpkiss 27:56
He doesn't even have a landline, which I respect.
Christina Kann 28:00
No, you have to be able to call for help.
Haley Simpkiss 28:02
No, no, he's a strong, independent, elderly man and he don't need no assistance from anybody ever for any reasons.
Mats Furuli 28:10
Except the fact that he's apparently very deaf.
Christina Kann 28:13
Honestly, you know what Frank needs? Does he have a cat? Does it mention that? Frank needs a pet; he needs an emotional support pet. But one that doesn't need him very much. But like a fat little cat would love plomping around the garden with him and then just like chilling out at night. Like "I don't really need to snuggle you but like I'm here if you need to talk."
Haley Simpkiss 28:32
Yeah, but then the cat would be alone after this.
Christina Kann 28:35
Cats figure it out. They would have gotten out and just like lived in the garden eating bugs forever. What a joyful life or a little fat rompy garden cat.
Haley Simpkiss 28:44
You're very emotionally attached to this hypothetical cat.
Christina Kann 28:48
Imagine the adorable way in which Frank Bryce would love a cat that respected boundaries.
Haley Simpkiss 28:54
You know what cat Frank Bryce should have and would love? Penny. Your cat Penny.
Christina Kann 28:59
Yeah, exactly. Just eat this little bug. Roll around in this little plant.
Mats Furuli 29:04
I thought you were about to say Bustopher Jones from Cats (2019).
Christina Kann 29:13
Okay, where the fuck were we?
Haley Simpkiss 29:16
We're talking murder. Everyone's talking murder. Something about Frank having a cat. Oh, Frank doesn't have a phone. But he should have a cat. And yes, we're talking murder.
Christina Kann 29:27
Thank you so much, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 29:28
You're very welcome.
Christina Kann 29:29
So Frank's like, "I'm gonna go to the police." But then Nagini, the giant snake, is like "Wait, I'm a giant snake and I would like to slither past you."
Haley Simpkiss 29:36
*I'm a snake impression*
Mats Furuli 29:38
*better I'm a snake impression*
Haley Simpkiss 29:41
Oh, you're too good at that.
Christina Kann 29:45
Man, I listened to a YouTube recording of someone reading this book today, this chapter, and it was like really, really, really bad. Like the reading was bad. And I won't say who it was obviously, but there's a lot of really excellent ones on YouTube. But this person reading pronounced it in "nah-genie."
Mats Furuli 30:04
I hate that.
Christina Kann 30:05
It was like they were just like reading a foreign language. They were like "I definitely know the sounds to make, but I'm not sure the meaning that exists in these words." It was very funny to me. Nah-genie really stuck with me.
Haley Simpkiss 30:17
All I can think is it sounds like nagina. I don't know what that is. I don't know what a nagina would be.
Christina Kann 30:25
I was waiting for you to explain to me what that was.
Mats Furuli 30:29
It sounds like snake genitals.
Haley Simpkiss 30:33
It would be a cloaca.
Mats Furuli 30:34
A magical cloaco is what nagina is. It always comes back to cloacas.
Haley Simpkiss 30:42
It's cloacas all the way down, God dammit.
Mats Furuli 30:46
"Cloacas All the Way Down" written by John Green.
Haley Simpkiss 30:50
Mats Furuli 30:50
I was contemplating putting in my notes "Does Peter Pettigrew have a cloaca?" just to be able to bring cloacas up.
Haley Simpkiss 31:06
He doesn't but we got there in the end on our own just fine.
Christina Kann 31:09
We got there organically. Cloacas do come up organically a lot. This isn't even the first time I've talked about cloacas today because Sean and I in the car earlier were talking about-- well, we were talking about duck penises.
Mats Furuli 31:24
Haley Simpkiss 31:27
Those are also very upsetting. So Nagina and her nagina slither into the room.
Christina Kann 31:33
Yeah, so Frank is like, "This snake's gonna kill me." But Nagini's like "Don't even worry about it" and just goes right past. But then Nagini ostensibly tattletales on Frank for being in the hallways.
Haley Simpkiss 31:46
Snitches get stitches.
Christina Kann 31:47
Yeah. Snitches get hisses.
Haley Simpkiss 31:52
Christina Kann 31:53
Thank you. So Wormtail opens the door and it's like, "Come on inside." And then Frank has some words for the armchair. My notes are really stupid for this section. And then Frank is like, "Face me like a man!" And then Lord Voldemort turns around.
Mats Furuli 32:15
He pulls off his helmet, reveals that is in fact, Eowyn. *singing* It was Eowyn all along.
Christina Kann 32:28
It do be Voldemort. Frank doesn't like what he sees, to say the least.
Mats Furuli 32:37
Christina Kann 32:38
And then there's a flash of green light. And then our boy Frank dies.
Haley Simpkiss 32:43
Mats Furuli 32:44
Christina Kann 32:44
Haley Simpkiss 32:45
Christina Kann 32:46
"Two hundred miles away, the boy called Harry Potter awoke with a start."
Mats Furuli 32:50
And that's the end of the episode. Hopefully not...
Christina Kann 32:55
Honestly, at the end of that chapter, I'm like, "Oh, God, this was a really cool story. Do we have to go back to that Harry already?"
Haley Simpkiss 33:01
I know. Because you know the next chapter is gonna be "He was a very unusual boy. And for more than one reason!"
Christina Kann 33:11
Tune in next week for our thrilling coverage of that chapter. Oh, actually Sam O'Brien, host of Content and Capable, is going to be on that episode. So it'll probably be super fun anyway.
Haley Simpkiss 33:26
He'll make it fun.
Mats Furuli 33:27
I'm very much looking forward to that.
Christina Kann 33:29
Yeah. Dang. I'm actually kind of surprised that we got through this chapter so quickly.
Haley Simpkiss 33:34
I mean, we could talk a little bit about like, more and more in detail of what Wormtail and Voldemort were talking about, with like Bertha Jorkins and everything.
Christina Kann 33:42
Yeah, I did skim over most of that. Because really, it's just like, "Get ready for the rest of this book. Here's the events that are to come."
Haley Simpkiss 33:51
Yeah. First of all, after being a rat for 13 straight years, how does Peter Pettigrew pick up a lady? Because I feel like he didn't have game to begin with?
Mats Furuli 34:03
Yeah, that's in my notes as well. I don't think he has a wand at this point. So...
Haley Simpkiss 34:10
Yeah, so so no, he must have charmed her.
Mats Furuli 34:14
Haley Simpkiss 34:15
But like how?
Christina Kann 34:19
He literally was just like, "Yo, Bertha, it's me Peter Pettigrew. You thought I was dead. But like, we went to school together. Isn't it crazy that we're both in this place? Let's talk a little bit." And she's just a friendly idiot, which like, relatable. So I would be like, "Yeah! I knew you when we were kids. Let's go have dinner or whatever."
Haley Simpkiss 34:38
She might have even forgotten that he was supposed to be dead because her memory is all fucked up from getting her memory modified so badly.
Christina Kann 34:46
Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, rough. It's so rough.
Haley Simpkiss 34:49
Yeah, it's a bad time.
Mats Furuli 34:50
I forgot about the timeline. But yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, seriously, having your brain messed up by memory charm is like the only way that I can think of that Peter Pettigrew might possibly be able to seduce someone.
Haley Simpkiss 35:07
Yeah, how? How? That's all I'm asking. How?
Christina Kann 35:11
Wait, are we assuming that he seduced her? Or are we reading between the lines that he seduced her?
Haley Simpkiss 35:17
He got a woman to leave a bar with him while she was on vacation.
Christina Kann 35:23
I'm just telling you some people are just trusting.
Mats Furuli 35:26
I would still not trust someone who looked like Peter fucking Pettigrew.
Christina Kann 35:31
He is, like, really rough in the movies for sure.
Mats Furuli 35:33
Yeah, maybe I'm just like, seeing Timothy Spall, but like--
Christina Kann 35:38
I think that's the idea, though.
Haley Simpkiss 35:40
I mean, he's described I think in the books as being more milquetoast, just a very normal -- like, if he wasn't a wizard and a turncoat spy thing, he would look like a mailman.
Christina Kann 35:54
I was gonna say like the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows.
Mats Furuli 35:58
Christina Kann 35:59
What's his name? Do we know?
Haley Simpkiss 36:00
Do we know?
Christina Kann 36:01
Welp, doesn't matter.
Haley Simpkiss 36:02
No, he has a name.
Christina Kann 36:03
He definitely has a name. I just don't remember what it is. It's probably something like Mark or like Michael or something.
My name is Colin Robinson. And I am what's known as a psychic vampire, or energy vampire.
Haley Simpkiss 36:15
Yeah, something as made in a lab to be as forgettable as humanly possible. Sorry to all of the Mikes that we're friends with. All eight thousand of you.
Christina Kann 36:28
Okay, anything else we want to touch on before we wrap up this chapter? I do like what you said about it being a hobbity because it is hoppity.
Haley Simpkiss 36:36
Yeah, just in tone. I mean, like more dark.
Christina Kann 36:40
Yeah, but the beginning for sure was very hobbity.
Mats Furuli 36:44
I have a note that I was contemplating just leaving out because it's so long, on the topic of Peter Pettigrew's hitherto unknown abilities. I feel like a lot of people shit on Peter -- a lot of people seem to think that he's a really terrible wizard. Like, he does have some magical prowess. Like he outsmarts and out-magics Sirius Black when he is confronted on the street. He's able to blow up the street, and he cuts off his finger in order to fake his own death, which is extremely cunning. The fact that he's able to blow up the street, killing 12 people, with his wand behind his back, before Sirius is able to react, is kind of impressive. He's also the person, I think -- possibly with help -- but I think mostly Peter Pettigrew was the person who brewed the potion that allowed Voldemort to regain a temporary body, the body that we see in this chapter, as well as the potion that got Voldemort his full body.
Haley Simpkiss 38:10
Yeah, I mean, you could say if he's receiving instruction on that, it doesn't count. But also, Harry and his whole class, whenever they are in Snape's class, are receiving instruction the entire time, and they still managed to fuck up pretty frequently. And this is like some Restricted Section -- heyyyyyy Restricted Section! This is one of those Restricted Section fucked-up potions that are really complicated. So I think you're onto something.
Mats Furuli 38:13
You could argue that a lot of the reason why people fuck up in Snape's class is the fact that Snape is a really terrifying person. But so is fucking Voldemort. Like Voldemort is more terrifying. So I feel like the risk of fucking up under Voldemort's supervision is way bigger than under Snape's. And also, I could be getting the timeline wrong, but I think Wormtail must have been the person who brewed the Polyjuice Potion for Barty Crouch Jr. because it takes a month to make. I don't think Barty Crouch Jr. would have come back to Voldemort in time to brew that potion.
Haley Simpkiss 39:26
I think Barty was making his own on the sly because Snape does accuse Harry of stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients again, because he's like, "I know it was you. I can't prove it. But I fucking know it was you the first time two years ago and I know it's you now" and Harry's like, "I genuinely do not know what you're talking about."
Christina Kann 39:49
Haley Simpkiss 39:50
Mats Furuli 39:52
He was transformed into Mad-Eye Moody when he got to Hogwarts, so there must have been at least some amount of Polyjuice Potion.
Haley Simpkiss 40:04
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Mats Furuli 40:06
There's also the fact that he was able -- I mean, he was getting help, but like -- he was able to becoming an animagus at fucking 15 years old. We keep hearing from Sirius and Voldemort that he's this complete fucking dumbass. But other than like maybe the fact that he did fuck up the question on his OWLs about werewolf signs despite the fact that he is actively running around with a werewolf every fucking full moon -- other than that, I don't think we really see, at least to me, any convincing evidence that Peter Pettigrew is that big of a dumbass. He seems like he's pretty good at magic in general and also extremely cunning. I fucking hate Peter Pettigrew. He's the absolute worst. Insert Jean-Ralphio "The Worst" clip.
Mats Furuli 41:07
People should be getting giving him more credit when it comes to magical prowess.
Christina Kann 41:13
I guess when he spends 12 years as a rat, he just becomes so deeply pathetic during that time, like cowardly and pathetic, that it's like whatever skill he has, it's like "You're still just an absolute piece of shit."
Haley Simpkiss 41:30
Yeah, I think you're right Mats. I do think that he's a lot more talented than most people assume. But that kind of just makes him very easy to underestimate.
Christina Kann 41:46
I was just gonna say that's like, his whole thing is that people were underestimating him the whole time. And also to this very day.
Mats Furuli 41:53
He's like a dark-side Neville Longbottom.
Haley Simpkiss 41:55
Christina Kann 41:58
Haley Simpkiss 41:59
It sounds like his main issue was honestly confidence.
Mats Furuli 42:03
Other than the fact that he's a shitty person, but you know.
Haley Simpkiss 42:05
Well, I mean, also that. His issue internally that leads him to "Well, okay, I just need to find the most powerful friends possible because I suck."
Mats Furuli 42:16
Haley Simpkiss 42:16
But I don't know. It kind of sounds like it didn't need to fucking go this way, dude, but you made purchases. Have fun living as a rat and then working for this dude.
Christina Kann 42:26
Mats Furuli 42:27
12 years of it! In Ratskaban.
Christina Kann 42:34
Oh my god. Okay, great. Well, let's move on. Let's wrap it on up. Before we get into plugs, I would like to invite all of our beloved listeners to consider signing up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our Discord community, which is very, very fun, and Haley and Mats and I are all there very consistently, so come chat nerd shit with us. You can also get access to our bonus episodes on our Patreon. This month's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction.
Mats Furuli 43:12
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for it.
Haley Simpkiss 43:16
I started reading and sort of rereading. It's a bad time.
Christina Kann 43:20
Catch Haley on that episode. It's gonna be really fun.
Haley Simpkiss 43:24
*clearly in pain* Yep, it will.
Christina Kann 43:26
Yeah, so head over to our Patreon to get access to that. The link is in the show notes. Haley, would you like to tell people where they can find you on the internet?
Haley Simpkiss 43:35
I would like to tell people where they can find me on the internet. Thank you for not letting me forget this time. I'm Haley. You can hear my dulcet tones on Sundays with the Movie Night Crew just talking shit about movies. Not even talking shit. Sometimes talking shit, and then sometimes just critical analysis, but it's a lot of talking shit. And you can find me on Twitter if you must @thewrit_towit. And my plug for this week -- I'm gotta be super creative and plug Bo Burnham's Inside. It's on Netflix. If you choose to watch it, and you are a person who has ever struggled with mental health, just be careful, hydrate, have tissues on hand, and maybe have someone you can talk to afterwards because at least one line, probably more, is going to rip your actual soul out. But it's very well done.
Mats Furuli 44:37
Like a dementor.
Christina Kann 44:40
I was gonna say, a finishing move.
Mats Furuli 44:44
Christina Kann 44:44
Thank you so much for that glowing recommendation, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 44:47
Christina Kann 44:48
Mats, where can people find you on the internet?
Mats Furuli 44:50
Yeah, so I'm on Twitter and Instagram. My handle for both is @mdotfur.
Christina Kann 44:59
Do you have anything you've watched or read or listened to or done recently that you would like to recommend to our listeners?
Mats Furuli 45:07
Yeah, I actually have two plugs, and I'll try to keep these plugs kind of brief.
Christina Kann 45:14
Mats did ask permission to bring two plugs before we recorded. Very respectful.
Mats Furuli 45:22
Yeah, so weirdly, the thing that I'm always the most nervous about when it comes to recording podcast episodes, is whenever I have to actually plug something. I feel like I'm really bad at talking about the things that I love and why I love them. So that's always kind of nerve-wracking. So, of course, I had to make myself do it twice today. So you know.
Haley Simpkiss 45:52
We did establish earlier that you like torturing yourself.
Mats Furuli 45:54
That is true. That is very true.
Christina Kann 45:57
This is a safe space to just share your plugs and like don't even worry about it.
Mats Furuli 46:01
Great. Okay. Yeah. So my first plug is a book series called The Kingkiller Chronicles. It's a hard one to describe and make it sound like it's actually a compelling series. If I were to describe the plot, it would probably sound something along the lines of "Young boy goes to school, tries to get into a library." His biggest goal for the entire first book is to get into a library, but he can't. That's more or less the entire plot of the first book. The first book is called the Name of the Wind, by the way. I think one of the big reasons why I love the book so much, or the series, is the fact that it's set in this Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-esque magical world, but it's such a tiny and contained story. It's a really small story, so you really get to know the characters in that story. But so much of the world on a geographical basis is unexplored and it allows for so many potential future series, and I'm really excited. I'm so excited for book three to come out.
Christina Kann 47:25
Hell yeah, Haley and I have both read -- well, I read the Name of the Wind, but you read both of them, Haley.
Haley Simpkiss 47:31
I have a first printing of the second book that I got signed by Patrick Rothfuss.
Mats Furuli 47:38
No way. Wow, I'm so fucking jealous. I recently just got a really beautiful cover or like, copy, of the two books. And like I posted pictures of those on Instagram. They're just the prettiest things I've ever seen in my life.
Christina Kann 48:04
They were very beautiful.
Mats Furuli 48:05
And really expensive! I think getting my hands on both of the books would cost me about $500. So yeah, that is money that I don't currently possess.
Christina Kann 48:14
Those are books that you put in a glass case out for people to gaze at as they walk past.
Mats Furuli 48:19
Exactly. I would never opened ever in my life. Yeah, so my second plug is a D&D action play series called Dimension 20. Often when people talk about really great D&D series or shows, it's in audio, podcast format. And you can listen to some of it on a podcast. But I will say, by far the best experience is to watch it on -- some of it is on YouTube. But all of it -- and I believe it's completely uncensored -- is on College Humor's streaming service, Dropout. It's really great. Yeah, it costs money, but it's honestly so worth it. But one of the series is called Fantasy High. It's basically if you took every John Hughes eighties rom com, but everything was fantasy, magical, and it's just absolutely wonderful and delightful. Another is called A Crowd of Candy. It's basically Game of Thrones, but everything is made of food. So the like royal family is made of candy and they're like--
Christina Kann 48:21
Oh my god, like Princess Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph.
Mats Furuli 49:51
Exactly. It's delightful.
Christina Kann 49:54
Or Princess Bubblegum.
Haley Simpkiss 49:56
No, it's it's Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph, Princess Bubblegum is Adventure Time.
Christina Kann 50:02
Yeah. I was saying as an additional example. Okay.
Mats Furuli 50:06
And yeah, another is a really short series, but it's called Tiny Heist. It's basically Toy Story meets Ocean's 11, which is like two of my favorite movies ever.
Christina Kann 50:19
You said Tiny Heist?
Mats Furuli 50:21
Haley Simpkiss 50:22
Oh my god.
Christina Kann 50:22
I love that so much.
Haley Simpkiss 50:24
Those are all really cool premises.
Christina Kann 50:26
Yeah, that sounds very creative.
Mats Furuli 50:29
One that finished recently is called, I believe, Misfits and Magic. Basically, four American teenagers attend a Hogwarts-esque wizard school as foreign exchange students. And it takes place in a world in which the Harry Potter series exists. And it's just the best people ever. And yeah, I highly recommend it.
Christina Kann 50:59
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christinakann. I also have another Twitter called @booksoocontext, where I post lines from books out of context. I started out while I was reading Percy Jackson, because there's a lot of really good ones. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'd like to recommend a graphic novel that I read over the summer called Bloom, written by Kevin Panetta and illustrated by Savannah Ganucheau. It's a very cute little graphic novel about two boys who fall in love in a bakery. It's just like a really wholesome, YA romance. I love it so much. It's so sweet and mellow. So buy it from your local bookstore, maybe. And our local bookstore here is Fountain Bookstore, and I think you can order through the mail from them if you would like to support our beloved local bookstore. Haley, thank you so much for being here with me today on this very first episode of the Goblet of Fire.
Haley Simpkiss 52:21
Happy to be here.
Christina Kann 52:22
Yeah. And Mats, thank you for joining us. It is a pleasure as always when you're here.
Mats Furuli 52:26
Aw, thank you so much for having me. It's been a great time and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to join you for another chapter for about a book and a half. So...
Christina Kann 52:39
Well, you were on like two episodes ago, so I'm sure we'll find a way to make it happen.
Mats Furuli 52:44
I can't wait.
Christina Kann 52:45
And as a reminder, if you haven't watched Puffs and listen to our summer episode that covered Puffs, you absolutely should. That's my other plug. My followup plug.
Haley Simpkiss 52:53
Yeah, I'll second that plug.
Christina Kann 52:58
Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading Gardening for Muggles before this book spontaneously combust! Bye.