4.7 Bagman and Crouch feat. Michael Boothby from Movie Night Crew (episode transcript)
Michael Boothby, Grace Ball, Christina Kann
Christina Kann (voiceover) 00:02
"They trudged up the misty field between long rows of tents. Most looked almost ordinary. Their owners had clearly tried to make them as Muggle-like as possible but had slipped up by adding chimneys or bell poles or weather vanes. However, here and there was a tent so obviously magical that Harry could hardly be surprised that Mr. Roberts was getting suspicious. Halfway up the field stood an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance; a little farther on, they passed a tent that had three floors and several turrets; and a short way beyond that was a tent that had a front garden attached, complete with birdbath sundial and fountain."
Christina Kann (voiceover) 01:03
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section. It's a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss how the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here today. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
Christina Kann (voiceover) 01:23
Chapter Seven: Bagman and Crouch. In this chapter, the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione settle into their campsite. We get to see more of the greater wizarding community in this one chapter than in literally all of the previous books combined. We also get to meet Ludo Bagman, Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports, and Barty Crouch, Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation. The day wears on until finally it's time! It's time to go to the Quidditch World Cup. Tune in next week for the game.
Christina Kann 02:00
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old men wear flowing, flowery night gowns to get a healthy breeze around their privates sometimes! I'm joined today by my friend Grace! Say hello to the listeners, Grace.
Grace Ball 02:13
Hello, listeners. I am pleased as punch to be here.
Christina Kann 02:17
Yes. And our special guest today is none other than Michael Boothby from the Movie Night Crew! Say hello to the listeners, Michael.
Michael Boothby 02:26
Hello, listeners. Thank you for listening to me on this other podcasts on the network.
Christina Kann 02:33
Thank you for joining us. Can you tell us a little bit about your very Harry history? When did you get into the books? When did you get in the movies? Who helped you along the way?
Michael Boothby 02:44
Reading Harry Potter was like one of my favorite experiences as a kid. Growing up, I always loved reading. I read Lord of the Rings when I was probably in like third grade or so, you know. And so I'd always loved reading, and Harry Potter was like, obviously one of my favorites. I still remember when the books were coming out. I remember when Goblet of Fire came out, and we went to the store and got the book and you'd be up all night just like reading it, tearing through the pages -- which, like, people probably don't do at all anymore, right? Like what's a book anymore? Right?
Christina Kann 03:21
We're the wrong people for that.
Michael Boothby 03:24
Well, yeah, I don't know Zoomers. I don't know. Everything's on the screen now. And we didn't grow up with screens; we grew up with books and Nintendo 64.
Christina Kann 03:33
It's true, and it's also true that definitely I don't think any books are nearly as anticipated and savored as these books were in their day.
Michael Boothby 03:42
Oh, it was nuts. I mean, I think the only thing I can really kind of compare it to now is when Game of Thrones was on TV. Even though I'd already kind of read the books until it got to the point where they would surpass the books, which never happened with Harry Potter, thank God. But it's that same kind of energy, right? When the books came out, it was such a big deal. I was awful, actually. I was really awful because when Order of the Phoenix came out -- I remember I spent like the next few days reading the books -- and I end up spoiling that Sirius Black dies to my sister. And she still does not forgive me for that. And I get it.
Grace Ball 04:27
That's a deep wound.
Christina Kann 04:27
Yeah, that's pretty rough.
Michael Boothby 04:29
I was being a stupid little boy.
Christina Kann 04:33
We all have Harry Potter drama and trauma. Yeah. So Michael, what Hogwarts house are you, if you had to pick one or a couple?
Michael Boothby 04:43
Oh, I think a few months ago you sent me the the link to the quiz. I'd never done it before. I think I was a Hufflepuff.
Christina Kann 04:55
Yay! I lovingly accept you into House Hufflepuff.
Michael Boothby 04:59
Christina Kann 05:00
That tracks. You're very like friendship driven, very easy to get along with.
Grace Ball 05:06
Yeah, a very welcoming person
Michael Boothby 05:08
Yeah, I think so. The other one that might have been me is Ravenclaw. That's more kind of like intelligent, really brainy, and cunning, right?
Christina Kann 05:23
That would have been, I think, my second guess for you is Ravenclaw because of your interest in the arts and stuff. I'll allow it. We love a Ravenpuff on this show. Our guest last week was Ravenpuff also, our friend Anna. It's a bit of like a Luna Lovegood vibe, and honestly, Michael, I see that for you.
Michael Boothby 05:42
Yeah, definitely. When I think of Luna Lovegood, I'm like, "That's the person who I want to be friends with." Like, she's so weird, like really out there, but so just like kind hearted, means well, loves her friends, you know?
Christina Kann 05:59
Yeah, something that you and Luna Lovegood have in common is that I really do feel like I could kind of say pretty much anything to you, and you'd be like, "Cool! Yeah, that's an interesting perspective. I'd love to talk about that."
Michael Boothby 06:10
Grace Ball 06:11
Just zero judgment.
Christina Kann 06:12
Yeah. Yeah, zero judgment zone
Michael Boothby 06:14
Definitely. I'm definitely that kind of guy who -- I mean, I pride myself on encouraging other people to be comfortable expressing themselves. I mean, you know, my background is in performing and teaching improv, and that's what it is. I'm always just trying to yes-and my friends and life in general, you know? It's more fun that way.
Christina Kann 06:36
Yeah. Oh my gosh, absolutely. And actually just a little bit of podcast lore for the listeners, we know Michael because he met Brooke while they were both traveling in New Zealand, which I think is so cool.
Michael Boothby 06:49
Christina Kann 06:50
And then you guys both ended up back here in Richmond.
Michael Boothby 06:53
Yeah, yeah, we did. I mean, she was from here, you know? It was funny cuz my sisters moved here probably like six years ago now. And I would come and visit them for like holidays and stuff, and I would go and meet up with Brooke and get coffee and stuff, and we'd talk about life in Chicago and all of that. So it was so cool when I finally ended up here. I'm like, "Hey dude, I'm moving to Richmond." She was like, "Okay, cool. Come meet my friends." You know?
Christina Kann 07:20
Did you talk about life in Chicago just because it interested you? Or did you live in Chicago?
Michael Boothby 07:25
I lived in Chicago. Yeah. When I came back from New Zealand, I was like living back with my parents in Florida for like, probably only a month. And then it was like, "I'm going to Chicago" because I wanted to perform. I mean, I wanted to like be on SNL and all that. Yeah.
Christina Kann 07:42
And living with parents in Florida is a vibe.
Michael Boothby 07:46
It is a vibe. I actually did an activity earlier that made me feel like I still live with my parents, which was watching the local news at six and then watching NBC Nightly News at 6:30. I did that tonight, and I'm like, "Whoa, are my parents here? What's going on?" Because I would never do that. I don't ever watch the news. And I did tonight. It was obviously so many horrible things. You know, there's nothing good on the news.
Christina Kann 08:14
Yes, right. It's not great for self-care to watch the news.
Michael Boothby 08:18
No, you know, and they're not telling you anything that you don't already know. It's like, oh, like a school shooting. And even the newscasters at this point are like, "I can't believe this keeps happening. But it happened again." God, dang it. Really?
Grace Ball 08:34
Yeah. Definitely doom and gloom.
Michael Boothby 08:36
Yeah America being America, which is why we read books about wizards.
Christina Kann 08:42
Right! Yes, absolutely. Let's enter that fantasy land. But we're gonna start with an email! That's not very fantastical. Okay. It has been a while, I think, since we've read an email from our beloved friend Mats. But Mats has sent us an email. He actually sent this a couple of weeks ago and I was like, "I'm going to save it for this chapter." This is a little bit of a spoiler alert for what happens later in this chapter, even though we're all spoilers all the time. Here's this email from Mats. Mats says, "Did you know that Ludo Bagman canonically owns half an eel farm? In Goblet of Fire chapter seven Bagman and Crouch--" which is the chapter we're covering today-- "Ludo bagman reveals that, 'little Agatha Tim's has put up half shares in her eel farm on a week long match'--" Betting that the World Cup will take a week to play out. "Which we know did not happen, as a certain Bulgarian seeker decided that he was going to catch the Snitch early despite his team being down by a very manageable amount of points. And no professional athlete in the world could ever make that decision, especially not in the World Cup final. Okay, I'm done. (I'm totally not still mad at this about this. Why are you asking?) Anyway, Krum catching the Snitch early made sure that Ludo Bagman won his bet and gained half an eel farm. Not 100% sure if I call that a win necessarily, but that could just be me. I will never not find it funny that Ludo Bagman owns half an eel farm." Mats keeps saying the phrase "half an eel farm" because it is extremely ridiculous.
Christina Kann 08:55
I think that's important. It is only half.
Christina Kann 09:59
"What does he do? Did he just retire from his ministry job to become an eel farmer full time? I like to picture bagman walking up to those goblins with whom he was betting trying to bribe them with a bag of eels."
Michael Boothby 10:34
Oh my gosh.
Grace Ball 10:35
Oh my god. Wow, love that.
Christina Kann 10:41
They mention that bet in this chapter.
Michael Boothby 10:43
I'm trying to find it because I remember when I was rereading it, I was like, "This is kind of wild."
Christina Kann 10:49
It is wild!
Michael Boothby 10:49
This is something that as a kid like I didn't really get it, but now that I've actually like traded stocks -- I've done a little bit of gambling -- I'm like, "Whoa, what's going on here?"
Grace Ball 11:01
I'd take that bet.
Michael Boothby 11:04
I think honestly my favorite part of this chapter was when the guy's like, "Who wants to get some bets?" and some people are like, "Meh," and then Fred is just like, "Yo, here's all the money we have." They're like, "Oh, Ireland will win but Krum's gonna catch the Snitch," and then he's like, "Oh, like that would ever happen. I'll give you a good odds." I forget if that's what does happen. I feel like maybe it does. I don't know.
Grace Ball 11:29
Michael Boothby 11:29
Okay, is this how Fred and George got the money to start their shop? In this crazy bet?
Christina Kann 11:35
*singing to Hamilton tune* Just you wait, just you wait. Better read along! *end singing* Anyway, thank you so much, Mats, for that email. Thank you for really highlighting this thing that I think we all have passed over in reading several times before, and we might have you been passed over in today's conversation but it is super ridiculous and it deserves to be underlined.
Grace Ball 11:53
I agree completely.
Michael Boothby 11:54
I love that.
Grace Ball 11:55
And doesn't Bagman like kind of go away because he owes all of these people money and stuff?
Christina Kann 12:03
He goes away to the farm.
Grace Ball 12:03
He goes he goes on the eel instead of on the lam. That was a terrible joke I take it all back.
Christina Kann 12:14
Yeah, I was gonna say that they sent him to a farm upstate.
Michael Boothby 12:19
Is that what happens?
Christina Kann 12:21
Isn't that a euphemism for putting down your dog?
Grace Ball 12:23
Yes. But what does an eel farmer do? I mean, I guess you can sell eel on the market.
Christina Kann 12:35
Eels live in the water. Just as a reminder to everyone, they're aquatic creatures.
Grace Ball 12:39
Christina Kann 12:40
And one time I visited my friend who lives in Alaska. She is a psychiatrist, I think, in Alaska, in Sitka, which is an island on the southern coast. And her boyfriend at the time worked for a salmon hatchery, basically a salmon farm. They would like raise -- they would like, egg up -- like, grow -- grow eel -- no! salmon -- I'm getting really turned around now. They would grow salmon eggs and then like release the salmon into the ocean, and then the salmon would come back to mate, because they go back to mate where they were born, and they would harvest all the salmon and it was incredibly metal -- and by "metal" I mean there were metal baseball bats that they would use to club these salmons over the head. It was extreme. So that's what I picture, this eel farm, but even more metal because they are electrical.
Michael Boothby 13:37
Do they club them with like magical spell clubs?
Christina Kann 13:42
Like anti electric clubs.
Michael Boothby 13:44
Grace Ball 13:45
I cannot picture Ludo bagman doing that, I'm sorry.
Christina Kann 13:48
Wasn't he a beater? Just saying.
Grace Ball 13:50
Oh my god, wait. You're right. 100%.
Michael Boothby 13:51
He definitely could! Oh he's definitely clubbing those eels.
Grace Ball 13:53
I just felt like in that moment he was too silly to be doing that, but you're right, he does have a history of clubbing.
Michael Boothby 13:59
Maybe this was always just like a passion of his, you know? Even like back when he was a beater he was just by the ocean one day and it just kind of became his side hustle. And then he slowly was working his way to getting a whole eel farm and just he never made it.
Christina Kann 14:20
After Ludo Bagman runs away in shame after he can't pay his debts, I imagine like a "Where is he now??" and it's just "You can find me in da club," and it's him like on the rocky coast with like an eel bashing club slash beater bat.
Michael Boothby 14:37
This sounds like a very specific like Robot Chicken sketch, What Happened to Ludo Bagman?
Christina Kann 14:46
Robot Chicken freaks me out, but that is a weirdly flattering compliment on a joke. I'm like, "Okay, so it's uncomfortable, but like pretty funny."
Michael Boothby 14:54
I think so.
Christina Kann 14:57
So this chapter starts with they just took the portkey two chapters ago, so like not the last chapter and not the last chapter. The chapter before that. Brooke was on, and I was complaining about how we have all these buildup chapters in the beginning. Brooke made a very funny joke about how, much like a flan, we are now perfectly set. It was really good. But I just want to point out that it is now like several chapters later, and we are still setting. The flan has over set.
Grace Ball 15:27
Christina Kann 15:30
I'm gonna isolate that sound clip. I'm gonna make it my alarm.
Grace Ball 15:36
You're running late, Christina, you're overproved!
Christina Kann 15:41
So they've all arrived on a stretch of misty moor. I can just picture Liz Bennett declining marriage proposal on this misty moor.
Grace Ball 15:52
Michael Boothby 15:53
I think I've been camping in this place, you know? Not that place, but I think I've definitely pitched a tent in some misty field for some festival.
Christina Kann 16:02
The festival vibes in this are so good. I really was like relating to this chapter a lot because Sean and I have been to a lot of music festivals, and it's the exact same energy. It sounds so fun. Okay, but we'll get there.
Michael Boothby 16:17
Christina Kann 16:19
There are two wizards standing there to welcome them. They're dressed very poorly in muggle incognito. They should have just worn wizard outfits because it's like, "Oh, that person is wearing a strange outfit, but at least they literally know what an outfit is."
Grace Ball 16:36
Christina Kann 16:36
You know what I mean? Yeah, so they direct the Weasleys in the Diggorys to their respective campsites. And they go to the campsite and the campsite manager, Mr. Roberts--
Grace Ball 16:48
Christina Kann 16:49
My man. I respect the hell out of him. This man's a Ravenclaw. He's like, "Something's not right here. I swear to god."
Michael Boothby 16:57
Yeah, yeah, he's a very suspicious Muggle.
Grace Ball 17:02
As he should be. People are not subtle here.
Michael Boothby 17:05
Yeah, he was like, "I've done a lot of festivals in my day, but is the magic seems too real at this one."
Grace Ball 17:13
Mr. Roberts is like, "I am super high right now but still really weird."
Christina Kann 17:19
So he asks for them to pay and Harry's helping Arthur count out muggle money.
Michael Boothby 17:25
I love this part. I love that part so much. I love Mr. Weasley just like being like, "How do muggle? What do I do?"
Christina Kann 17:36
But you know how to, like, count, right? Like these have numbers on them.
Michael Boothby 17:39
Yeah! That's what I was saying. Even Harry was like, "There's a five on there."
Christina Kann 17:45
Harry probably has never held muggle money either, real money. Maybe like learning about it in school.
Michael Boothby 17:52
You don't think you don't think that he just -- I don't know. You think the dursleys gave him an allowance? Probably not.
Christina Kann 18:01
Michael Boothby 18:02
Christina Kann 18:03
He's been saving rogue coins from over the years and now he has like 10 muggle dollars.
Michael Boothby 18:07
Ones that he's found in the vacuum over the years.
Christina Kann 18:12
Mr. Roberts is like, "All these people are really weird. They seem to know each other." It really is like someone's having a rave and the property owner doesn't know, you know? It's like, "I've seen so many asses today. This is not a family reunion." A wizard Apparates into the scene, and he obliviates Mr. Roberts, clearing his memory, and he complains that he needs 10 obliviations -- he needs his memory wiped 10 times a day to be happy. First of all, I would argue he's not happy, and second of all, that's like hourly.
Grace Ball 18:46
Yeah, and I feel like at some point that must cause some kind of damage, right?
Michael Boothby 18:51
Do people like get addicted to this? Is this like wizard drugs? Just obliviating each other, you know?
Christina Kann 18:57
Ooh! That's fun.
Michael Boothby 19:03
Wasn't it the muggle that was getting obliviated, right? Because everyone kept doing magic stuff, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and he forgets, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and it keeps coming back. It was so funny that my sister was watching Men in Black last night; that's what this reminded me of. They just keep like flashing him with the memory eraser, but it's a spell, but I was like, "This poor guy."
Christina Kann 19:25
Have either of y'all watched Doctor Who?
Grace Ball 19:28
No I haven't. I'm so sorry.
Christina Kann 19:29
Okay, well, I'm gonna tell this story anyway, for the listeners. It's brief. I think I've even mentioned this before because it's kind of stuck with me. I think the scariest creatures that they come across in Doctor Who, they're called the Silence. And they're these creatures that -- I don't remember -- they're bad for some reason. Murdery, they're gonna murder you, it's bad. I don't really remember. But when you're looking at them, cool. There they are. But as soon as you turn away, you completely forget that they exist. And so they're always trying all these things to desperately remember that they've seen one of these creatures. So they start by like, every time they see one they do a tally mark on themselves. And so they'll walk into this room and be like, "Oh, cool, okay, clear." And then they'll like, look down and there's 15 tally marks on their hand and they're like, "Oh my Jesus Christ. They're somewhere around me."
Grace Ball 20:25
That's even scarier though! You have the evidence of it.
Christina Kann 20:28
Yes. And then they're like, "Oh, shit, it's right there. I'm gonna go tell--" And then they turn and they're like, "Oh, nothing, nothing's wrong." And it like becomes such an issue that they like upgrade and they put little -- I don't know -- alien future magic -- they put little voice recorders in their hands. So every time they see one, they record while they're watching it, so it gets scarier. They'll like see that the light in their hand is beeping and they'll play back a message of themselves that they don't remember. It's just like, "They're everywhere. They're all around us!"
Grace Ball 20:59
Just like heavy breathing.
Christina Kann 21:00
"There's no way out." And they're like, "What the fuck?" Oh my gosh, so anyway, that's the kind of day Mr. Roberts is having.
Grace Ball 21:07
He is not okay.
Michael Boothby 21:09
Christina Kann 21:10
He needs a notebook to write things down.
Michael Boothby 21:14
Then it becomes like a Christopher Nolan film. After that weekend, he's like, "What does it mean? I knew this meant something." Yeah.
Christina Kann 21:24
They go into the camp site, and it really is like, festival season! You see all your friends and no one has to wear work clothes and asses out, dicks out, tits out, beers out. I haven't been to a festival since before COVID, and I miss it obviously. So most of the campers have tried to emulate muggle tents and campsites, and some of them have failed. Some haven't even tried: "an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance." Literally is that the Malfoys?
Grace Ball 22:08
I mean, I think it must be.
Christina Kann 22:11
Who else would have peacocks?
Grace Ball 22:12
Michael Boothby 22:13
Christina Kann 22:16
Better than dead peacocks.
Michael Boothby 22:18
Yeah, you're right.
Christina Kann 22:22
I guess the alternative would be like a stone peacock, like the lion columns that flank the New York library.
Michael Boothby 22:28
Oh my god. Do those exist? Now I want that: a stone peacock? That's so cool.
Grace Ball 22:34
It's definitely a power move.
Christina Kann 22:35
Michael Boothby 22:36
In my in the middle of my condo, I'm gettinga stone peacock.
Christina Kann 22:40
The trick is to like have stone peacocks on the outside and then live peacocks on the inside, so they've already seen the stone ones. They're not expecting like more peacocks inside, and it escalates.
Michael Boothby 22:52
Guys, you know live peacocks are pretty scary. Have you guys ever been around live peacocks?
Christina Kann 22:57
Um, wait. Yes. And who -- Why? Why was I talking about this like yesterday?
Michael Boothby 23:03
I don't know.
Christina Kann 23:04
I was talking to somebody about peacocks because whoever was was like "All zoos do that." Because if the zoo has a peacock, the peacock just go wild. Yeah, they're terrifying.
Michael Boothby 23:13
I've seen peacocks before, but not at a zoo. I went camping once with my best friend and his dad when I was a kid living in Florida, and we just went to this campsite and you woke up and there was just a bunch of peacocks.
Christina Kann 23:26
Grace Ball 23:27
Mikey, I'm not unconvinced that you've actually been to the Quidditch World Cup. I think you were there. Are you Mr. Roberts?
Christina Kann 23:42
Oh, wait, what are you writing down in my notebook there? Your momento notebook?
Michael Boothby 23:48
Yeah right. When you guys hit me with the spell after the podcast.
Christina Kann 23:56
Okay, so they reach their camp spot. Magic is technically not allowed on the muggle campsite. I mean, you can do magic subtly, I think, and make your life a lot easier, but Arthur is very excited to put up the tents manually.
Michael Boothby 24:12
That was in my notes. I literally put that in my notes. I have three notes, and they're all very short, and that was one of them. Page 78: Mr. Weasley being overexcited using a mallet. I just love that. It's so funny.
Christina Kann 24:25
I love him.
Michael Boothby 24:26
He's so adorable. He's got such a big heart, but he's so stupid sometimes.
Christina Kann 24:34
He's a man of simple pleasures.
Michael Boothby 24:35
Yeah, for sure.
Christina Kann 24:36
He's easily entertained.
Grace Ball 24:38
He's so earnest and so endearing. I'm just like, "Hw could you ever be mad at this dude?"
Christina Kann 24:44
For sure. Well, Molly Weasley makes it happen.
Grace Ball 24:46
Weasley is an exception.
Christina Kann 24:48
Being married to someone so incredibly mild does have its drawbacks, especially, I'm sure, when you're trying to raise seven children. Add that to the list of reasons Sean and I can't have kids. He's too mild. I can't do all of the disciplining.
Michael Boothby 25:03
Christina Kann 25:04
I just think it's funny because if you're going to start -- Arthur Weasley has never done anything without magic in his life, and you don't start with assembling tents. That is like starting a video game on expert level. Why don't you just try it out first? Do something a little easier. Maybe make yourself a pot of coffee, you know what I mean?
Grace Ball 25:23
Yes, maybe try to boil some water.
Christina Kann 25:26
Yeah, I think coffee is a medium level, intermediate. There's a lot of components.
Grace Ball 25:32
Yeah, definitely not building a whole tent -- well, two tents, right?
Michael Boothby 25:36
Two tents, yeah, there's two tents.
Christina Kann 25:40
I'm a muggle. I've assembled a lot of tents in my life, and every single one is a fucking pain in the ass.
Michael Boothby 25:45
I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. My last memory of going to a festival -- we got there late, and it was already dark, and we had to put the tents up in the dark. Not fun. Not great.
Christina Kann 25:58
Sean and I have a pop up tent now for that reason. We take our eight-person pop-up tend to every festival. But the first time we had that tent, we didn't really know how it was. It was also my first festival ever, and we went there right after work, and we got there when it was pitch black, and I super super super don't have night vision. I know that humans generally don't have night vision, but me in particular. It had rained so much that the whole thing was just like a muddy swamp. We were trying to find a spot to pitch our tent in the darkness, and I could barely even walk in the mud, and my Uggs were slipping and sliding everywhere, and I was having an actual meltdown. I was sobbing hysterically. Sean just found the first patch of grass, and was like, "We're camping here! Okay? We're camping here." And the people next to us was like three dudes camping in a tent, and they had been there for hours; they were incredibly shit faced. And when they saw me crying, they all ran over, and they were like, "Oh my god, are you okay? Come here!" and they walked me over to their fire, and they sat me down their chair, and they handed me like a hot dog and a beer. They were like, "We got this!" None of them had shirts on. They were all like screaming. But they were like, "We got this!" and they just put our tent together for us.
Michael Boothby 27:05
Grace Ball 27:06
That is beautiful.
Michael Boothby 27:06
See, that's what I miss about festivals is just that neighborly, just people helping people. You just don't see that often in just like society, you know? When there's sidewalks and houses -- I don't know. This whole thing, you know? When you get away from that and it's just like people expressing themselves and being cool.
Christina Kann 27:32
It's literally so nice.
Michael Boothby 27:33
It's so great, yeah.
Christina Kann 27:35
It's a place where you can just trust everyone, kind of.
Michael Boothby 27:38
Now I want to go to a festival. I'm sad, there was some yoga festival that my friends went to here. I want to go to a yoga festival and teach a comedy class. Now you're like the funny guy at this yoga festival with just yoga teachers and breathwork and stuff. I love it.
Christina Kann 27:57
Michael Boothby 27:58
Hey, and that's comedy, baby!
Christina Kann 28:01
It's true. It's true. Arthur looks to Harry and Hermione for guidance with this tent, but Harry has never been camping before. Hermione probably just logics that shit, you know? She might have been camping before, actually. Her parents could be outdoors people. I never went camping as a kid, but some people's parents go camping, I'm sure.
Michael Boothby 28:25
I was a boy scout, but you know, I was the worst one. I didn't want to learn anything or like tie knots. I just wanted to like, build the swords out of the tree bark or whatever, and you know, have a fight in the woods and go exploring.
Christina Kann 28:40
What else is there to do in the woods?
Michael Boothby 28:43
I guess like just surviving, but like that wasn't my goal. Like, I don't care. I'm not gonna survive in the woods by myself. That sounds awful.
Christina Kann 28:51
Well, I was in Girl Scouts, and the tone was just like a little different. I remember one time there was a thunderstorm warning, and they woke us all up in a panic in the middle of the night to like race us home to escape the thunderstorm. My friend Anna was so upset that she barfed in the car.
Michael Boothby 29:07
Oh my god. She was so upset that she threw up?
Christina Kann 29:11
They really were panicking about the thunderstorm. They were like, "Leave everything! Abandon everything!" It was surely not that big of a deal, but they were super alarmed.
Yeah, that's extreme. Who gets that worked up about just rain?
Grace Ball 29:29
So you guys were presumably outside?
Christina Kann 29:31
Grace Ball 29:32
And so they were freaking out.
Christina Kann 29:34
We were outside and they were freaking out.
Grace Ball 29:37
Michael Boothby 29:37
See, I remember going on a long backpacking hike. It was probably my first backpacking hike as a child. And we were in Orlando, and we went really out there. We made the tents, and at night these raging thunderstorms came in. I remember being in the tent with my friend and his dad, and the wind was blowing. I was using my sleeping bag to absorb the water at the bottom of the tent, and it was so scary, but at the same time, as a kid, I thought it was so exciting. I was like, "This is so cool! His dad's actually concerned for safety and is going outside and doing dad things to keep us safe. Good thing he's here, man. I would have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do right now. I'm gonna stay in the tent."
Christina Kann 30:32
I'm pretty sure my dad has never done dad things to keep me safe. That's not really his vibe, you know?
Michael Boothby 30:38
Yeah, yeah, no, it was a rare thing for me to witness, but I'm glad it happened. It was a really cool experience.
Christina Kann 30:47
When I was 16, I took my boyfriend at the time camping at this park near our house for his birthday so that we could have sex without anyone's parents being mad.
Grace Ball 30:56
Christina Kann 30:57
But it started thunderstorming at like 10 o'clock at night. The tent was flooded, everything was flooded. It was so wet, but we were not leaving. This was like the only $25 I'd ever had to rent this campsite. We were never gonna get a chance to be alone ever again.
Grace Ball 31:17
This is it!
Christina Kann 31:19
This is the same guy for whom I went into the woods and got chiggers all down my backside because we had sex in the woods.
Grace Ball 31:25
Okay, I wasn't sure if this was the same story or a different one.
Christina Kann 31:29
Grace Ball 31:30
Two separate rendezvous.
Michael Boothby 31:33
Man, you guys are you guys are having sex at 16? That's so cool, man. All I wanted to do when I was 16 was have sex, and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19, till I had graduated high school.
Christina Kann 31:48
That's just not that bad.
Michael Boothby 31:50
Even now, 30 year old me, I wish 16 year old me could have the sex that I have now -- because I don't care anymore! I'm 30! I don't care anymore.
Christina Kann 32:02
I see, you wanted to have more chance to appreciate it before you got jaded. I do understand that.
Michael Boothby 32:07
It was so exciting then, too. It was the only thing I wanted and it was not happening. It was not gonna happen. I had no chance.
Christina Kann 32:15
I read all these YA novels where people are so excited to just like touch each other. Wow, I remember that but I don't think there's any going back.
Michael Boothby 32:27
Yeah, oh my god.
Christina Kann 32:30
Oh dear. How did we get here? You know how we got here it they "finish erecting the tent" are my exact notes.
Grace Ball 32:39
How dare you say "erect" at this time?
Michael Boothby 32:42
Nice. Very nice transition.
Christina Kann 32:46
And they finish the tents and they go inside, and it's bigger on the inside. That's another Doctor Who joke for you.
Michael Boothby 32:54
I'd love that, though. It's one of my favorite things of the Harry Potter universe -- and also Hermione's infinite bag of stuff. I just love that there's this thing that looks small on the outside, and you walk in and it's like, "It's a three bedroom." I'm pretty sure Mr. Weasley says, "Well, it's not the biggest one, you know, but we'll make do." And Harry's just like, "What the fuck? This is insane."
Christina Kann 33:23
That's the thing: with Harry, it doesn't matter if it's big or small. It's just the novelty of this kind of magic is is all he needs to be stoked about this. Honestly, they could probably sleep in the open grass and he'd be stoked just to be here. He hasn't done a lot of fun stuff in his life. So they need water for the kettle. It is probably, what, like, 7 am right now? It's really early.
Michael Boothby 33:47
It's pretty early because yeah, people are like waking up. When they first get there, I feel like no one's even up yet.
Christina Kann 33:54
Usually when I go camping, it's a wake up with the sun thing. It's usually like 6:30 or 7 just organically.
Grace Ball 34:01
Yeah, like an eel farmer or something.
Christina Kann 34:06
So Ron and Harry and Hermione set out to find like the spigot that is marked on their campsite map, so they get to stroll through. At the festivals I go to, I call this a preliminary walkabout, just to see where stuff is. See if you see any familiar faces. Don't even worry about setting up camp. Yeah, like just go. We'll do this later. We have all day. Yeah, people are starting to wake up. Harry's never seen wizard children before. And the book doesn't say this, but I feel like he's probably a little like sadly nostalgic. What's the opposite of nostalgic? Like, "I wish I had had that," you know?
Michael Boothby 34:44
Jealous? I mean, it's not jealous but it kind of is.
Grace Ball 34:48
A little envious, maybe.
Michael Boothby 34:49
Envious! I think that's the word. He easily could have had that with his parents. Yeah, they would have brought him to the Quidditch Festival and let him get a little too crazy on a mini broom while the other wizards are like, "Tame your kids!" I love that. They're like, "These are bad parents!" like they're all like judging each other or whatever.
Christina Kann 35:13
Oh my god, this just like flashed me back to when I was a kid and all the adult couples in my family were not divorced yet. They're all divorced now. But you know, I would go to the Outer Banks with my whole family, and somehow we would fit eight children and six aunts and uncles and Grandma, we'd all fit in the same house. And every night -- I know this now, and at the time I just didn't even clock it -- but every night, all the grownups would get shit-faced drunk, and we would just like run wild on the beach. And I just picture that for James and Lily and the Marauders, just like getting drunk as shit. And they're like, "Fuck, we have a baby. We're 22." Yeah, going buckwild on a toy broom. It's a lovely little image.
Grace Ball 36:02
I love that.
Michael Boothby 36:02
Oh, poor Harry.
Christina Kann 36:04
But it never was!
Michael Boothby 36:05
It was never meant to be.
Christina Kann 36:07
There's a baby who's prodding the slug with a wand.
Grace Ball 36:14
Christina Kann 36:14
Is his name Kevin?
Grace Ball 36:16
Yeah, his name's Kevin.
Christina Kann 36:17
Oh my god, that makes me so happy, for some reason, that his name is Kevin.
Michael Boothby 36:21
The little baby -- he has a name?
Grace Ball 36:24
Yeah, his name is Kevin.
Christina Kann 36:25
I don't know why I didn't retain that either.
Grace Ball 36:28
I just thought it was so random and funny.
Michael Boothby 36:30
I have to look this up. I have to see it with my own eyes. Little Kevin?
Grace Ball 36:37
Yep. This is just a reminder to me -- and I know we've talked about it before with the Weasleys having seven kids -- but just like how much of a nightmare it would be to be a parent of wizards. They're just crazy. They're just like stealing your wand and like doing a bunch of shenanigans.
Christina Kann 36:57
It's true. And honestly, not to always make everything about my kittens, but it's similar, I think. With the kittens it's like, "How did you jump so far? Like how are you this? How do you have this much energy? This is bananas. This is unfathomable to me." And I feel like it'd be the same thing with a kid. "Whoa, you're defying gravity, the laws of physics. Get it together. This is really wild right now."
Michael Boothby 37:22
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christina Kann 37:25
Slugs. "You bust slug!"
Michael Boothby 37:28
I just read read a part that like I think I didn't register when I was reading it earlier. All the wizards are waking up, but I love that "while a group of middle aged American witches set gossiping happily beneath a spangled banner stretched between their tents that read 'the Salem Witches Institute.'" I love that. I love that so much. And they're like, "Harry caught snatches of conversation in strange languages from the inside of tents they passed." It's so funny. It's such a festival! There's just so many people and he's so excited. That's one thing I came back to, the moment Harry has this moment where he's like, "I never thought that there were wizards outside of Hogwarts," and it really dawns on him. I love the international aspect of the Goblet of Fire, right? Who doesn't want the wizard Olympics, right?
Christina Kann 38:22
Totally. There's probably a lot to look at, even more so than that like muggle music festival.
Michael Boothby 38:30
Right! And there's already so much there.
Christina Kann 38:35
They get to the Ireland camping section, which is all decked out in green. They next find the Bulgaria section, where Victor Krum's poster is everywhere. They run into Seamus and Dean, obviously in the Ireland section. His name's Seamus. He's in the Ireland section.
Michael Boothby 38:53
Christina Kann 38:54
I always like read the chapter and listen to it also. I just listen to random videos on YouTube of people reading it. And I discovered one today, a reader who was just like a regular person -- they didn't appear to be an actor on a stage -- but they did different voices for every single character in this chapter, including different accents, and they were very well done accents. So I'm gonna link that in the show notes because it was honestly an incredible performance. It was this person and supposedly their partner, and the partner was just sitting there for 50 minutes of reading, just listening pleasantly, while their partner really committed to this elaborate -- they were doing so many voices! Anyway, it's linked in the show notes. It's really incredible.
Grace Ball 39:46
Yeah, that's like a one man show. That's awesome.
Christina Kann 39:48
Yeah, it was serious. They finally get to the water tap. They're waiting in line. Cue Archie and his nightgown. I love that man.
Grace Ball 39:58
Christina Kann 39:59
Honestly, more power to him because he's refusing to put on -- the point of wearing muggle clothes is to not be suspicious. But the nightgown is a little conspicuous for any person to be wearing like during the day in public.
Grace Ball 40:21
It sounds cute though.
Christina Kann 40:24
It does sound cute and probably really comfy.
Grace Ball 40:26
Christina Kann 40:27
And airy, I guess.
Grace Ball 40:30
Mhm, in all the right places.
Christina Kann 40:34
That's why I want to buy Sean a kilt, I think, which is just a skirt. I think it would probably be so liberating for people who just wear pants every day to just throw on a skirt and see what happens. See what happens.
Grace Ball 40:48
Christina Kann 40:50
See, this is the kind of stuff that we lose in the movies. Hermione dissolves into a fit of giggles -- specifically Hermione.
Michael Boothby 40:55
I love that.
Christina Kann 40:56
Ron and Harry are okay, but Hermione loses her shit. I don't know why.
Grace Ball 41:01
She's probably like, "I have that nightgown."
Michael Boothby 41:08
It's some inside joke she has with herself that no one else would get.
Christina Kann 41:15
Only children things: inside joke with myself.
Michael Boothby 41:18
Christina Kann 41:21
They get the water, they walk back to camp. After all this, Harry finally -- I think it's been like an hour and a half -- Harry finally is like, "You know, wow. There's other schools out there."
Grace Ball 41:35
Way to go, Harry.
Michael Boothby 41:36
He has that kind of introspective moment.
Christina Kann 41:41
He's not a Ravenclaw.
Grace Ball 41:42
How has he not had that yet? But whatever.
Michael Boothby 41:45
I get it though. If it's your first time going to a festival, there's so much happening externally that it's not until you walk back to your tent for the first time and are sitting there and lying back. You're like, "Huh, how do I feel?" You know? I don't know.
Christina Kann 42:03
Michael Boothby 42:04
Right, yeah. You can't really reflect when you're meeting all these crazy people and doing tasks. You're so focused on just what's happening.
Christina Kann 42:13
It's true. The one festival that Sean and I have been to the most, we camp half a mile away from the event site? And it's like straight up a mountain the entire half mile. It is a good little reflection time because you're just going straight up. I feel so powerful after like three days of just walking up a mountain.
Michael Boothby 42:38
My gosh, if I went to that festival and camped where you guys camped, after day one, I'd be like, "I guess I'm going, bye! It's enough exercise for me."
Christina Kann 42:49
They do have like a bus, which is fun, but I prefer to walk.
Michael Boothby 42:53
Christina Kann 42:53
Hey, good to see everybody.
Grace Ball 42:55
Christina Kann 42:55
Everybody's all lit. But it's like in the dark. So it's like A Midsummer Night's Dream. Just like all these fairies in the dark.
Grace Ball 43:02
You can't do your walkabout from a bus.
Christina Kann 43:05
Exactly. So back at the campsite, they got off the bus. Arthur has been really enthusiastically failing to light his fire with matches.
Grace Ball 43:27
And then the one he lights, he's surprised that he lit it, and it goes out or whatever.
Christina Kann 43:32
Don't tell me you've never done that.
Grace Ball 43:34
I have certainly done that. Definitely.
Christina Kann 43:38
Sometimes it's scary.
Grace Ball 43:39
That's why I love that part! I'm like, "Wow, that's relatable."
Christina Kann 43:42
That's the most muggle shit! Finally Hermione's like, "Let me show you how to do a match." And then while the fire gets hot, they just kind of sit and watch people go past. I also relate to this, honestly; this is a festival vibe -- or even kind of going anywhere vibe, the people-watching. Arthur's keeping a running commentary of the ministry and other important people who pass them by. They start cooking breakfast. Charlie, Bill, and Percy arrive. I want to know -- what were they talking about this whole time before they got here? They had to walk from somewhere -- what what did the three of them talk about?
Michael Boothby 44:24
Yeah. That's a very good question.
Grace Ball 44:26
I seriously don't know.
Michael Boothby 44:27
That's so interesting. If this was a Game of Thrones book, we would just cut back to this long conversation about nothing.
Grace Ball 44:35
I feel like Bill and Charlie probably talked a lot, and then Percy had weird, awkward interjections.
Christina Kann 44:45
I mean, Bill and Charlie are really nice. They're both really nice. And so I feel like they're probably trying to ask him questions.
Michael Boothby 44:51
Grace Ball 44:52
That's true. They were probably trying to engage him.
Michael Boothby 44:58
What's, um -- what's Percy's deal? Is he just like really anxious or he have like a social like disorder or something? I don't know.
Christina Kann 45:08
I think that he really is just like kind of a classic Ravenclaw, like an Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99. We did that bonus episode recently. A Hermione whose fatal flaw is that they're too Hermione. You know what I mean? You're so like perfectionistic and studious that it's the worst thing about you.
Michael Boothby 45:32
He's insufferable, which is why I love when he gets roasted by Barty Crouch.
Christina Kann 45:42
He really has no business being a Gryffindor. That is a fucking Ravenclaw.
Michael Boothby 45:47
Michael Boothby 45:48
Yeah, you're right. He's just an overthinker. I don't know. He's not even that brave, really. I mean, he's just kind of doing his job.
Christina Kann 46:01
He does brave thing ever, and it's saying sorry for a mistake and coming back, you know?
Grace Ball 46:07
Michael Boothby 46:08
Christina Kann 46:10
I mean it's brave, but you had to fuck up a lot to get there.
Michael Boothby 46:13
Christina Kann 46:16
So Ludo Bagman shows up. He's wearing his old Quidditch robes, which look like a bee. He is boyishly handsome. I've always had a hard time envisioning this character in my head, maybe because they took him out of the movies. I don't have that to fall back on.
Michael Boothby 46:41
That's a shame. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe the casting director looked at that and was like, "Fuck this. Who? What does this mean? What does this person look like?"
Christina Kann 46:51
I mean, I understand his existence actually doesn't matter to the plotline. He serves as a red herring, pretty much, and there's just not really time for that in the films. But I wonder who y'all would cast in the movie to play Ludo Bagman?
Michael Boothby 47:09
I don't even know.
Grace Ball 47:12
Michael Boothby 47:13
He's like older but boyish? Like I don't know what that means.
Christina Kann 47:16
What about the dad from Modern Family? What's that guy's name?
Grace Ball 47:20
His name in Modern Family is Phil.
Christina Kann 47:22
Michael Boothby 47:24
Yeah, I could see that. Yeah.
Christina Kann 47:26
A little full of himself but like not even remotely threatening.
Michael Boothby 47:31
I could see that, no, I could see that.
Grace Ball 47:33
I definitely can't think of a better one.
Christina Kann 47:37
Who's really un-disarming? He's just like so genial.
Grace Ball 47:45
Just like not a care in the world.
Christina Kann 47:47
Yeah, doesn't have to be a British person.
Michael Boothby 47:50
Actually, he would have been way too old at the time, but honestly Gene Wilder as like a cameo.
Christina Kann 47:57
Oh, that's fun!
Michael Boothby 47:58
He'd just be really eccentric. I don't know.
Christina Kann 48:02
Um, Reddit says -- and I think this is a great point -- Reddit says that if Kenneth Branagh had not already portrayed Lockhart, he probably would have made a good Ludo Bagman. I think that what they're saying is that he's really good at putting on airs and blowing hot air. Airs and air.
Grace Ball 48:20
Yeah, I like that.
Christina Kann 48:22
Grace Ball 48:24
Wow. I mean, I didn't mean to say "wow" like that.
Christina Kann 48:31
We also got Paul Rudd.
Michael Boothby 48:37
Yeah, I mean, he is 50 and does look very young, in fairness.
Christina Kann 48:43
Yeah. Also, Jeff Bridges is the last recommendation on this Reddit thread.
Michael Boothby 48:47
I could see that.
Grace Ball 48:48
Michael Boothby 48:49
I can see that.
Grace Ball 48:50
Yeah, I think those are good options. I like Owen Wilson for the part myself.
Christina Kann 48:54
I do too. Tell us who you would cast as Ludo Bagman. Shoot us an email at email@example.com or hit us up on our socials, because we would love to know. I'm sure we will talk about this in our Discord server. As a reminder, you can join our Discord server for supporting us on Patreon for $1 a month. Ludo Bagman is "plainly in a state of wild excitement." Wow, hard same. I can like feel that.
Grace Ball 49:32
It really resonates with you, doesn't it?
Christina Kann 49:36
Grace, tell me if I'm wrong, if you don't feel this way, but as I was reading this, and all of the ministry employees who are complaining to each other, they're all running at 100 miles per hour, and they're all really stressed. This reminds me the RVA Booklovers' Festival that we throw together.
Michael Boothby 50:06
You guys throw a book festival?
Christina Kann 50:09
We do, Michael. That was before your time. We do host an annual book festival through our RVA Booklovers.
Michael Boothby 50:17
I want to come. Who comes to that?
Grace Ball 50:20
Just like all the booklovers.
Michael Boothby 50:23
I'm gonna come show my book at it. Can I sponsor it? Can I get a booth?
Christina Kann 50:33
You can get a Boothby booth.
Grace Ball 50:38
Yeah, but it is similar vibes to that, Christina. Just like complete chaos but we're all so excited.
Christina Kann 50:46
Yeah, they're like servers who are super weeded at the dinner hour, but there's that one person who is always crushing, it always gets great tips, never drops anything, never forgets anything, and they're having a great time, and everyone else is like "Hey, fuck you. They just sat me three six stops in a row."
Michael Boothby 51:07
Grace Ball 51:07
Christina Kann 51:08
Yeah, I write these notes ahead of time and then I make myself laugh later. I wrote, "I go limitless when I'm hosting too." Have you guys seen limitless?
Grace Ball 51:22
No. Wow. Failing you left and right.
Christina Kann 51:25
It's Bradley Cooper--
Michael Boothby 51:27
No, I have seen that.
Christina Kann 51:28
Yeah, it's basically about cocaine. It's a made-up drug but--
Michael Boothby 51:32
I thought it was about Adderall.
Christina Kann 51:34
No, it's a made-up drug, but it is just straight up cocaine because you take it and you're like, "Oh, I'm perfect now. I can do everything. I got everything." You see things in slow motion and in four dimensions. So I get it. That's how I go when I'm hosting too. I'm like, "My anxiety is so high that my brain is so crisp and clear right now." Ludo Bagman asks Arthur to bet on the game, and he bets a galleon.
Michael Boothby 52:02
How much is a galleon? Is that like, what is that?
Michael Boothby 52:05
10 or 20 bucks?
Grace Ball 52:08
In season one, Andrew had a whole conversion chart or something?
Christina Kann 52:14
Oh my god. I think it is at least $10.
Michael Boothby 52:27
Okay. 10, 20 bucks. Yeah.
Christina Kann 52:28
Yeah. Okay, the twins offer to bet 37 galleons and some change. And a fake wand.
Michael Boothby 52:37
The fake wand!
Christina Kann 52:38
The prank wand.
Michael Boothby 52:39
I love the prank wand so much.
Grace Ball 52:42
That's everything that they have.
Christina Kann 52:44
Yeah, it is.
Michael Boothby 52:46
They did a true YOLO on this rare outcome of this game. I love this whole part that turns into sports betting. It literally just turns into an ad for like DraftKings.
Christina Kann 53:00
They're trying ostensibly to get startup money for their business.
Michael Boothby 53:06
Yeah, I respect the hell out of it, man.
Christina Kann 53:09
I do too. It's risky, but they probably don't have any other options, especially with their mother acting the way she's been acting, which I don't approve of.
Grace Ball 53:17
Yeah, they're like, "We're all in." But not a great dude to go all in with.
Christina Kann 53:22
Right. Yeah, I think they just trust him because he's a ministry official. And Arthur Weasley has brought a lot of trustworthy ministry officials into their life before, you know? But Ludo's just not that way.
Grace Ball 53:35
And technically, Ludo did come through with the tickets to the World Cup.
Michael Boothby 53:41
Right, and they're box tickets too. These aren't in the crowd. This is up in the box, right? He's announcing the whole event, right? He's VIP.
Christina Kann 53:54
Andrew hypothesized last episode that Cornelius Fudge made sure -- or even Bagman, just the ministry -- ensured that Arthur Weasley invited Harry to this game as a brag because the other country's ministry officials are also sitting in the box. So it's like a brag you know? We got Harry Potter.
Grace Ball 54:14
Michael Boothby 54:15
Right. It's good PR for the ministry.
Christina Kann 54:18
Yeah, yeah. So the twins bet that Ireland will win the game but Krum will get the Snitch. Just like pretend you don't know what happens next. Why would anyone make this bet?
Michael Boothby 54:30
Because the odds -- that's why, as soon as they made that, Bagman was like, "Oh, those are crazy odds." So they would probably, if they won, would get like 1000 to one odds or something. So just like crazy money.
Christina Kann 54:44
Grace Ball 54:45
There's a lot of betting going on, and I feel like this is a pretty unique bet. You know?
Michael Boothby 54:52
It is. Yeah, there's not many people taking that bet. This is the scene that I want to see, is the scene of Fred and George twinning out one night doing their investment research. They're like, "Well, here's the stats on the players, and Krum this and that, here's the score." I feel like they did their homework, you know? They stayed up pretty late, probably. They're comedians, they're jokers. They're pretty smart guys.
Christina Kann 55:14
One of them's the math guy and one of them's the ideas guy.
Michael Boothby 55:17
Right, so yeah, the idea guy was like, "What if this?" and the math guy's like, "Let me crunch the numbers," and they're like, "Let's do it."
Christina Kann 55:23
Fred is the ideas guy and George is the numbers guy. I believe that because typically, if you look closely, Fred is usually a slightly more of a loose cannon and George is usually slightly more level-headed and like... modest... is a weird word to say for the twins. But you know what I mean?
Michael Boothby 55:43
I resonate with the twins, being a twin myself, you know?
Christina Kann 55:46
Oh yeah! Oh, my God! Grace is a twin too!
Michael Boothby 55:50
Yeah, I think we've had a conversation--
Grace Ball 55:52
I think we have talked about this before. That's pretty cool.
Michael Boothby 55:54
I hope we keep forgetting and every time, we go, "Really?"
Grace Ball 55:57
Yes. It's fun every time.
Michael Boothby 55:59
Christina Kann 56:00
Grace, you have like a dude twin and you have a gal twin?
Michael Boothby 56:05
Yeah, yeah. Opposite sides of fraternal twinship.
Christina Kann 56:10
Yeah, it's easy for people to forget that you guys have twins because there's not another person in the world who looks exactly like you.
Grace Ball 56:16
Christina Kann 56:18
Although you look a lot like your sister, Tabitha.
Grace Ball 56:21
Yeah. Whenever people hear that there are twins in the family, they assume that I'm twins with my older sister, but joke's on you.
Christina Kann 56:29
Michael Boothby 56:32
My friends get really upset when they find out my twin sister also doesn't have a mustache. They're like, "We thought you guys were twins. What's this? What's this going on?" I've had to have that conversation so many times over the years, like we're fraternal. People don't know what that means.
Grace Ball 56:52
I still remember one of my sixth grade teachers asked if we were identical, and she knew that we were male and female or whatever. So I was like, "Huh, you're an educator. Feels like you should not be asking me that question right now."
Michael Boothby 57:08
You should know this. You should know this question.
Grace Ball 57:10
Michael Boothby 57:11
Christina Kann 57:12
And you can't say to your teacher, "Yikes, you're an educator. You should know this."
Grace Ball 57:15
Yeah. And you know, and I did anyway. No, I'm kidding.
Michael Boothby 57:18
I wish! That'd be so badass.
Christina Kann 57:20
A Ravenclaw would never. I corrected a teacher once. I was in college, and he was straight-up wrong in my area of expertise. And I really trusted him. I had a big ole brain crush on this professor, you know? When it's like, "You're not that cute, but you're so smart and your interests delight me." And he took it so nicely. He was like, "Thank you so much for correcting me. Oh my god. I would love to read more."
Grace Ball 57:43
Oh my God. That's the perfect reaction.
Christina Kann 57:46
Michael Boothby 57:46
I love the supportive teacher.
Christina Kann 57:50
Um, so the opposite of support is: Arthur Weasley asks Ludo Bagman if he's heard about Bertha Jorkins, who is missing. Ludo Bagman says he has heard "not a dicky bird."
Michael Boothby 58:05
Weird phrase, honestly, pretty weird phrase.
Christina Kann 58:08
It's British dad talk. Grandpa said this, and it's weird now
Michael Boothby 58:13
As an American, hate it.
Grace Ball 58:16
Yeah, not a fan.
Christina Kann 58:20
Ludo Bagman firmly believes that Bertha Jorkins is stupid and got lost of her own stupidity and will find her way home safe and confused eventually, and that it's not really his problem.
Michael Boothby 58:33
Who is this again? Who is this lady?
Christina Kann 58:35
Bertha Jorkins is a character who never has any screen time, so to speak, in the books.
Michael Boothby 58:41
That's a great name.
Christina Kann 58:43
Bertha Jorkins. Yeah, she's my bitch. She gets kidnapped. She goes on vacation and gets kidnapped by Voldemort. And she is the source of information that leads him to develop his entire plan to come back to power. Yeah. They should have looked for her sooner because then maybe they would have been able to get ahead of this in some way. But they don't.
Michael Boothby 59:05
I love how the Ministry of Magic, like any government agency, at the end of the day is just so incompetent.
Grace Ball 59:13
Michael Boothby 59:14
It's like so much bureaucracy that nothing gets done.
Christina Kann 59:19
Yes. And I think you can see that really exemplified in this chapter, particularly with the difference between Barty Crouch and Ludo Bagman. Obviously these two men are gonna have a hard time working together. Barty Crouch Sr. shows up. He's stiff, upright, uptight dressing--
Michael Boothby 59:39
He speaks 250 languages!
Christina Kann 59:42
That is-- I just-- Two is really hard. Two languages is really hard.
Michael Boothby 59:47
This guy's like brilliant.
Christina Kann 59:50
Our American is showing. But also, I don't think that most people speak 250 languages. I think maybe like three is a good number to aspire to.
Michael Boothby 59:58
I know someone who speaks seven.
Christina Kann 1:00:01
That's pretty strong.
Michael Boothby 1:00:02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christina Kann 1:00:05
Percy offers Barty Crouch a cup of tea. Crouch calls him Weatherby, which is an ongoing joke, and also, I think, a crucial plot point later.
Michael Boothby 1:00:15
I love it. "Thanks, Weatherby," and then yeah Fred and George are just like "Time to troll."
Grace Ball 1:00:23
It's heartbreaking and satisfying at the same time.
Christina Kann 1:00:26
Right. Yes, exactly. There is some discourse about flying carpets.
Michael Boothby 1:00:34
That was in my notes. That was my last note I put.
Christina Kann 1:00:38
Your last of three notes?
Michael Boothby 1:00:40
My last of my three notes was ban on flying carpets.
Christina Kann 1:00:44
Michael Boothby 1:00:45
Because even Harry was like, "Wait a minute. What?" Yeah.
Grace Ball 1:00:55
Arthur says something about how they're muggle artifacts, carpets are muggle artifacts. But like, what the fuck is a broom, my man?
Christina Kann 1:01:12
Maybe with the magical community invented brooms back in the day.
Grace Ball 1:01:18
Okay, I see. So it started with them.
Christina Kann 1:01:21
That would be ridiculous, if it was invented for magical purposes before house cleaning purposes.
Grace Ball 1:01:26
And then muggles were like, "Wait a second!"
Christina Kann 1:01:29
Why did I ever think of tying some kind of sex on a bear stack?
Michael Boothby 1:01:35
Did they talk about why they banned the carpets? I forget why they were justifying it.
Grace Ball 1:01:45
I think it's racism.
Michael Boothby 1:01:45
Is it? Or did it become too cliche? People were like, "No, guys, no more carpets. It's too obvious."
Grace Ball 1:01:54
Carpets have saturated the market.
Christina Kann 1:01:57
I think there's a couple of reasons that you would ban magic carpets. First of all: safety. Is there seatbelts on these are your babies just rolling off the sides?
Grace Ball 1:02:08
I guess, but I'm trying to figure out: how is it different than a broom? Like how is it any less safe?
Michael Boothby 1:02:13
I have to find the dialogue.
Christina Kann 1:02:15
Good point, but I guess maybe like one person rides a broom kind of like a motorcycle?
Grace Ball 1:02:20
Right. Where you could put like a family on a carpet.
Christina Kann 1:02:23
Yeah, and the baby just rolls off. It could be a misuse of muggle artifacts argument.
Michael Boothby 1:02:32
I do love the dialog here. I do love this. "'I've been wanting a word with you too, Arthur,' said Mr. Crouch, his sharp eyes falling upon Mr. Weasley. 'Ali Bashir is on the warpath. He wants a word with you about your embargo on flying carpets.' Mr. Weasley heaved a deep sigh," like "This fucking thing again." I love this so much: "I sent him an owl about that last week." He's like "I sent the email!" "'If I told him once, I was told him 100 times: carpets are defined as a muggle artifact by the Registry of Prescribed Charmable Objects. But will he listen?' 'I doubt it,' said Mr. Crouch, accepting a cup from Percy. 'He's desperate to export here.'" He's like, "This guy's trying to make some money selling these carpets to the good wizards of Great Britain."
Christina Kann 1:03:32
It's funny that Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch are such foils. They're in such juxtaposition to each other. But obviously Arthur Weasley is the happy medium between the two. He gets his job done, he takes it seriously, he's worried about it. But he also is very genial and mild and doesn't want to bother anybody. Ludo Bagman refers to some big secret thing at Hogwarts. We've heard this before. What's the big secret thing? I don't know.
Michael Boothby 1:04:02
Is it the Goblet of Fire?
Christina Kann 1:04:12
Barty Crouch insists that they need to go speak with the Bulgarians, and he makes Bagman leave with him. The afternoon wears on, people are getting excited for the headliner -- I mean the --
Michael Boothby 1:04:26
The main event!
Christina Kann 1:04:27
The main event. Salespeople are popping up all around to sell merch. I just love it so much.
Michael Boothby 1:04:35
The merch tents pop up, yeah.
Christina Kann 1:04:36
Yes! Harry buys some cool fancy omnioculars.
Michael Boothby 1:04:42
It's like glasses that just give you a smartphone app overview of the game. It lets you know who the players are. It's like watching the broadcast TV version of the game.
Christina Kann 1:04:55
Grace Ball 1:04:56
Yeah, they are very cool.
Michael Boothby 1:05:00
And they were expensive, right? Weren't they like 10 galleons or something? And Harry's like, "Guys, I'm balling." He's like, "My parents are dead, guys. It's on me. You're my friends. I did nothing for this money." Ron's like, "Oh I couldn't," but then Harry's like, "Don't worry, I'm just not buying you a Christmas gift for the next eight years," and Ron's like, "Lol, okay bro." They're so cool about it.
Christina Kann 1:05:26
It's wild that Harry's in a position to drop, just on a whim, the same amount of money that Fred and George just bet, which must be their life savings combined.
Michael Boothby 1:05:38
Money is not an issue for Harry. Harry's got a trust fund.
Christina Kann 1:05:42
This chapter uses the phrase "small fortune." Ron has always been mad that Harry inherited a small fortune and he was stupid rich. But, you know, that's Ron. That's Ron's problem.
Michael Boothby 1:05:51
Right. Yeah, it's Ron being insecure, right? Which is fair, but Harry's not showy with his money at all. He really uses it to help himself and help his friends. You know?
Christina Kann 1:06:02
Yeah, it's true.
Michael Boothby 1:06:04
Like he's a good friend here, right? You're going to the festival and there's like some cool shirt, and your friend's like, "I'm gonna buy you that $50 shirt. Why? Cuz I know you love that band."
Grace Ball 1:06:13
Yeah, it's not like he's doing it to brag. He's doing it because he wants them to have this.
Michael Boothby 1:06:18
He just wants to enjoy the game with his friends and all the have the app experience.
Christina Kann 1:06:24
It's like when you're like, "Let's go out for drinks," and your friend is like, "Oh, I'm trying not to spend money right now." It's like, "Dude, I will buy you a drink. I want to just go get a drink with you. That's so much more valuable than your $6 beer or whatever."
Michael Boothby 1:06:36
Christina Kann 1:06:38
Get you best friends who drink $2 beers. Shoutout to Emily. We went out for Emily's birthday dinner, and I was like, "Don't worry, babe. We'll treat," and Sean was like, "We're gonna treat??" and I was like, "Her meal is like $10. That's five beers and one appetizer."
Michael Boothby 1:06:54
I can see Sean saying that.
Christina Kann 1:06:58
So then a gong sounds off in the woods, and it's time to go!
Grace Ball 1:07:03
Christina Kann 1:07:05
Michael Boothby 1:07:06
I wanted to play like a sample of a gong sound right there.
Christina Kann 1:07:12
So that's that! We're going to the World Cup. The next chapter is going to be exciting in a different way. This chapter had some really good world building in it that I really enjoyed, and even though plot-wise, it's dull, nothing's happening, it is still really a nice tone to set before we go into the World Cup. It's kind of getting our guard down so that when shit hits the fan that night with all the Death Eaters, it catches the reader off guard too.
Michael Boothby 1:07:44
It's a really good misdirection. This chapter is like comedic, it's like family sitcom vibes. You know?
Christina Kann 1:07:51
And like bureaucratic also.
Michael Boothby 1:07:53
Right! It's like also like the Office. There's these bureaucrats finally letting loose at the festival.
Grace Ball 1:08:03
Also, you see so much more of the wizarding community at large.
Michael Boothby 1:08:09
This is the fourth book. Isn't this the first one where they did like things outside of Hogwarts, before Hogwarts?
Christina Kann 1:08:15
Michael Boothby 1:08:16
So it's also that too. As a reader, it's the first time you're like, "Oh whoa, we're out in the world. What does that look like?"
Christina Kann 1:08:23
In Book Three, Harry spends two weeks living in Diagon Alley, so it's like baby steps into the world-building.
Michael Boothby 1:08:29
Before the book?
Christina Kann 1:08:31
Michael Boothby 1:08:31
Really? I don't remember that.
Christina Kann 1:08:35
He blows up his aunt and takes the Knight Bus.
Michael Boothby 1:08:40
Oh yeah! Right, he does have that.
Christina Kann 1:08:42
So we get two weeks of him eating ice cream and studying and shopping, which sounds great.
Michael Boothby 1:08:49
Being rich and renting AirBnBs and going out for nice meals and studying. He's living the dream.
Grace Ball 1:08:56
Treat yo self.
Clothes? Treat yourself. Fragrances? Treat yourself. Massages? Treat yourself. Mimosas? Treat yourself.
Christina Kann 1:09:04
Well, any last words about this chapter? Anything we didn't bring up? Mike, did we read all three of your notes?
Michael Boothby 1:09:09
No, no, there's one more and we definitely have to go back to it because this is my middle note. I just wrote "page 86: the accidental magic reversal squad." I love that. I was watching Men in Black last night, and it's like the scene where they go to the morgue, and there's the alien bodies and the little alien speaks to the lady. and they flash her, and then there's a whole team coming in to wipe the whole place down. This is the wizarding version of that. I would be on that. If I was a wizard, I'd love that job. You're like, "Where are we going today? What happened? No shit. They did what? All right fuck yeah. Okay." You know, that'd be a pretty fun job. I love the names of all the departments that like go into this chapter. They're almost like these little punch lines, right? And they're all really clever.
Christina Kann 1:10:05
The word "accidental" is funny because in our legal system and our government, doing things by accident doesn't really absolve you of anything.
Michael Boothby 1:10:16
That's how you get sued, right? I like that there's no lawyers in the wizarding world. Apparently.
Christina Kann 1:10:23
We always say that there's only three careers in Hogwarts. It's teacher, government or entrepreneur. And I'm gonna be the wizarding world's first lawyer. That's my job. That's my path.
Michael Boothby 1:10:37
No, don't do it. No!
Christina Kann 1:10:40
I'd be a great lawyer.
Grace Ball 1:10:41
I think if anyone could do it, it would be you.
Christina Kann 1:10:43
I'd be a great magical lawyer.
Michael Boothby 1:10:45
Imagine the magic small claims court. That'd be another funny Robot Chicken sketch, right?
Christina Kann 1:10:54
Or even a show like the Office.
Michael Boothby 1:10:57
Right! Hey, hey, Warner Brothers. You want you want a hot comedy based in the Harry Potter universe that no one's expecting? Hire me, Michael Boothby.
Christina Kann 1:11:09
That would be amazing.
Michael Boothby 1:11:11
I would write the shit out of that.
Christina Kann 1:11:15
Grace, any last words about the chapter?
Grace Ball 1:11:17
Wow. Um, no, I think we did a great job. Good job, everybody.
Christina Kann 1:11:21
Yeah, I think so too. This was a very fun episode, and it's time to move on to our plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! This month's bonus episode will sort Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. That's a lot of fun. That's our $5 a month tier. But honestly, for as little as $1 a month, you can join us on our Discord server, where me, Grace, and Michael hang out with the rest of our really awesome community. So it's a great place to be. Come join us! Linked in the show notes. Um, Grace?
Grace Ball 1:11:58
Christina Kann 1:11:58
Do you want people to find you on the internet?
Grace Ball 1:12:00
No. It's mostly because I'm boring. I don't do anything.
Christina Kann 1:12:06
Find her on the Discord.
Grace Ball 1:12:07
Yeah, I'm on the Discord! Head over there, folks.
Christina Kann 1:12:11
What do you have that you've been reading, watching, playing, listening to, etc. lately that you have to recommend?
Grace Ball 1:12:18
I have kind of been watching a show sporadically, and I just finished it last night. It's called Maniac. I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's been out for a couple years.
Christina Kann 1:12:28
Yeah! With Jonah, uh--
Grace Ball 1:12:31
Jonah Hill and Emma Stone.
Christina Kann 1:12:33
Yes, I did watch that.
Grace Ball 1:12:36
You did watch it?
Christina Kann 1:12:37
Grace Ball 1:12:38
Oh, cool. Okay, nice. But basically, for anyone who hasn't seen it, the story jumps between Emma's and Jonah's characters while they're participating in a pharmaceutical trial, and basically, the intention of the trial is to find a way to replace talk therapy. During a lot of it, the two characters are put into a dream state to get to, you know, their deeper issues or whatever. So they keep popping up in each other's dreams, which is really interesting. But because a lot of the show is made up of their dreams, there's a lot of genre hopping happening, which is cool! Yeah, it's definitely got some weird parts, some stuff that's really far out there, but overall, I finished it, I thought it was really well done, and I recommend giving it a watch.
Christina Kann 1:13:30
Yeah, I support this plug. Michael, where can people find you on the internet?
Michael Boothby 1:13:36
Sweet! Yeah, guys, I'm on Facebook, unfortunately, still. You could find me there. You can find me on Instagram @itsmichaelboothby -- or is it? Send me a follow request and you'll find out. Beyond that, I have a SoundCloud as well. I've got some music online. Unfortunately I had to stop recording because I got a noise violation here in my sister's apartment, but I'm moving to a condo soon, and we'll be producing and recording more music. So if you want to check that out, check that out. I'm also on the Discord as well, so definitely join that amazing community. You know, I pop in there a few times a day and just see see what's going on. Sometimes I just read it but sometimes I like to chime in as well. I like to lurk. I'm a big big lurker.
Christina Kann 1:14:29
So what have you been reading, watching, listening to, playing, etc. lately that you think that the listeners of our podcast would enjoy?
Michael Boothby 1:14:40
I don't think this series even needs any more endorsement than it's already getting. But I've been watching the Squid Game on Netflix. It's amazing. I mean, I was watching the nightly news earlier today for the first time in forever, and even at the very end, they did a whole thing interviewing Netflix. They were like, "This might be the biggest show we've ever had. It's been like tremendously successful." I've had a blast watching it too. At the very first episode, I didn't know that it was dubbed, so the whole time, I was like, "It's not matching up. Why is it not matching up? What's going on here?" And then I realized after, oh it's dubbed. That's become a big thing of contention online. People have been like, "Oh, the dubs are so bad. Watching with subtitles is bad too!" Just fucking watch it. Whichever one. Honestly, the dubs are not bad. I watched it with the dubs. I started that way. Six episodes in, I'm like, "Maybe I should be a purist and watch it in Korean with subtitles," and then I did it for five minutes and was like, "No, I want to go back to the voices. I want the experience of watching it."
Christina Kann 1:15:46
My problem is that I can't just like sit and be still and watch TV. I have to be able to look away from the TV for a couple seconds.
Michael Boothby 1:15:56
That's how I felt too, because I like to move around during -- especially if I'm bingeing, you know, I like to work out a little bit or my body some. If I'm watching four one-hour episodes, you know, gotta move. Gotta move. So, yeah, Squid Game's been dope. Games. If any you guys played video games, I highly recommend The Forest on PlayStation 4 or 5? I mean, I think it's probably another shit too. But it's a fun survival game. You crash in the forest, there's some cannibals. I played it with my best childhood friend who still lives in Orlando, and we've been catching up through video games recently. We've been playing that game. I had this moment where I'm just like chopping wood in the game. Just cutting down trees. I'm doing like all the things that I couldn't do, like building a tent, in this virtual world, but like, it's very zen. While just talking to my best friend about like, whatever. But also role playing a little bit. You know? It's fun.
Christina Kann 1:17:01
Oh, I love that.
Michael Boothby 1:17:02
Check it out. Yeah.
Christina Kann 1:17:03
Hell yeah. Well, thank you for that. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christina_kann and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. Recently, I've been watching Only Murders in the Building, which has been plugged on this podcast before. It's really excellent. I've also been listening to 5-4 Podcast, which is about the Supreme Court, which Andrew plugged on this podcast, and that's really excellent also. What I would love to plug today is The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. It's a really lovely YA romance about nature magic. It's really nice. It's got some thoughtful commentary about climate change, and a pretty good love story. And it's about like, witchy shit. So it's good to read for the Halloween season. So that's The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. Well, Michael, thank you so much for joining us.
Michael Boothby 1:18:07
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I would love to do this again. Honestly, reading that chapter earlier was such a joy. It was so amazing. And it's cool to be able to talk to people about Harry Potter, right? Because it's kind of an old thing. But it still has such a special place in my heart. But I'd love to come back.
Christina Kann 1:18:29
Absolutely. Yeah, we'd love to have you back. And you can also hear Michael every Sunday on the Movie Night Crew! All right, gang. I gotta go finish reading The International Language of Gambling before this book tries to collect its debts. Bye!
Christina Kann (voiceover) 1:18:52
The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, the Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched.
Christina Kann (voiceover) 1:20:02
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/therestrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. And there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
Christina Kann 1:20:48
There are certain people who can be trusted with the notes, and certain people who can't, and Grace is the kind of person who can be trusted.
Christina Kann (voiceover) 00:02
"With difficulty owing to their bulky backpacks, the nine of them crowded around the old boot held out by Amos Diggory. They all stood there in a tight circle as a chill breeze swept over the hilltop. Nobody spoke. It suddenly occurred to Harry how odd this would look if a Muggle were to walk up here now -- nine people, two of them grown men, clutching this manky old boot in the semi-darkness, waiting."
Christina Kann (voiceover) 00:47
What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
Christina Kann (voiceover) 01:07
Chapter Six: The Portkey. Honestly, this whole chapter is summed up by the title. They find, use, and discard the portkey in this one, gang. We're really just learning: what is a portkey? Maybe that will come up again in a moment of crisis. I'm not sure. We get to meet Amos and Cedric Diggory along the way! "Extremely handsome Cedric," that's a direct quote. And now we're all at the Quidditch World Cup.
Christina Kann 01:40
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old and moldy boots are very valuable. I am delighted to be joined by my dear friend today, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew.
Hello, listeners. I'm a little concerned that I'm your friend today. I thought I was your friend most days.
Christina Kann 02:01
Wow, that's a good point. Clarity of language.
It hurts, okay?
Christina Kann 02:06
You got to put commas in places to make it clear what words are grouped together. And I am so excited that our special guest today is friend of the pod Anna! Say hello to the listeners, Anna.
Christina Kann 02:19
Hey, every time I say hello to the listeners, I hear Leila in the back of my head because she one time she sang, "Hello to the listeners, Lelia." But she sings that a lot better than me. But anyway, that's what my head does when I say "Say hello to the listeners." Anna, we're so glad you're here. Why don't you start by telling us a little bit about your Harry Potter history. When, how did you get into it?
The first memory I have is listening to the audiobook in third grade of Prisoner of Azkaban.
Christina Kann (voiceover) 02:51
Oh, would you look at the time? What time is it? It's correction o'clock. All right, Anna didn't even listen to this audio book in third grade, it was fifth grade. Okay, don't get it twisted. Don't go telling people Anna listened to this in third grade, because it's not true, snd you're gonna look like a damn fool.
I'm sure I read the first two before that. But that's the first memory I have of it. And I wasn't cool enough to go to any midnight book releases. So I didn't actually finish the series until probably 10 years ago. I picked it back up and read the whole thing. I'd seen the movies. And yeah, so I started back up about 10 years ago. And then I read it every year, at least once, if not twice, usually in fall/winter.
Christina Kann 03:45
Yes. I tend to read this series -- obviously not anymore because we're reading it very slowly over the course of like 10 years -- but I usually read Harry Potter once every two to three years, and I always start reading it around like October/November, right as I'm starting to spiral into that winter depression. It's like, "Quickly, quickly, something!"
Bring the joy, bring the joy!
Christina Kann 04:07
Yes. Awesome. Well, what Hogwarts house are you?
I like to call myself a Ravenpuff.
Christina Kann 04:16
I love Raymond.
Me too. Every time I take the test, depending on the day or month or whatever, I get either one. It's about 50/50. So I like to claim both.
Christina Kann 04:31
Wow, I love that. Yeah, we're here today to talk about Goblet of Fire chapter six, the Portkey. That's what happens in this chapter.
It is a very descriptive title.
Christina Kann 04:45
Yeah, and we're done! That's it. Thanks for joining me today, gang.
Christina Kann 04:52
Okay, so we wake up. It's the World Cup. Let's go. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Why does Ron get to bring two friends to the World Cup and no one else gets to bring anybody?
Yeah, that's the question. I'm sure it's because their tickets are free, and Harry basically lives there, and it seems like Hermione basically lives there every summer to so works out.
I always thought that it was not by accident that they ended up there. I always figured that Fudge wanted Potter in that box. He wanted him in the press box to show him off. Like, "That's right. We got Harry Potter on top of everything else here." You know, he's like the trophy.
Christina Kann 05:36
That tracks. Here's my question. Why bring Hermione? Who doesn't give even one single shit?
If you're going to try and fandangle your way to get Harry to show up, you don't want him to be suspicious, right?
Christina Kann (voiceover) 05:53
Did you know it's actually against the law for any podcast editor to permit one of their episodes to say "don't be suspicious" without including the following audio clip?
*Don't be suspicious clip*
You don't want it to be obvious that you're just bringing Harry Potter to bring Harry Potter so you're like, "Yeah, bring your whole family! By the way, doesn't your son like the two people? like he has two friends? Not just one, two friends? Why doesn't he bring both of those friends?"
Bring the spare.
Christina Kann 06:26
One of them's muggle born, how good for like muggle relations!
Right? It's a perfect picture.
Christina Kann 06:34
Here's who I would have brought. I think obviously Harry gets to come. He's an orphan. He's never had a single joy in his life. Bring Harry. Bring Lee Jordan, because then two of your kids get to have their best friend there -- like two additional kids. And Lee Jordan loves Quidditch.
Maybe the Weasleys know their children very well. And they also know what's going to go on in the future. Ron was actually -- his friend was Hermione. He doesn't know, but his friend was Hermione, and Ginny's friend was Harry, okay? Molly knows her kids, okay? This woman knows her children. Dhe knew already how the world was going to work out. Your plan actually did happen, Christina. What I'm telling you is, that did happen. It just doesn't look as obvious.
Christina Kann 07:20
You know that the second Ron Weasley brought her Miami Granger into the Weasley household, Molly and Arthur were like, "We have to make this happen. This is his only hope."
This is the only chance he has! Please God let her find him endearing.
Christina Kann 07:40
Get ready for the longest slow burn of your life, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Okay, so everyone wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn except for Percy, Charlie, and Bill. They get to Apparate later, and we get a nice little rundown like, what is Apparation? We've never really addressed it before but I get the feeling that's gonna come up in this book.
My copy -- I have the big illustrated one -- Apparate is capitalized every time.
Christina Kann 08:07
It is in every edition.
Really? I have never noticed that before.
Christina Kann 08:12
I'm pretty sure. What about you Anna?
I think so. I'm looking -- Yep, Apparating is capitalized.
Christina Kann 08:18
That bitch loves to capitalize some words. She will capitalize anything.
Christina Kann 08:25
I'm trying to make a "she'll capitalize on blank blank blank" joke but I can't really pull it together.
Well she's continuing to capitalize on this series, so.
Christina Kann 08:34
That's true. I can't emphasize this enough: buy her books secondhand.
Or pirate it!
Christina Kann 08:40
We don't -- wink -- condone -- wink -- pirating -- wink -- unless -- wink -- you're on -- wink -- a boat! In last week's episode, we were wondering if Bill Weasley was a straight-up pirate because he was like, "Gringotts doesn't care what I do as long as I bring home all the treasure," and he has one earring and dragon leather boots. That's pirate shit.
Christina Kann 09:05
And the alternative is that he's just stealing treasure for Britain, which I don't like that.
I feel like that's kind of what's happening because he he lives in Egypt, he goes in the tombs, he gets the treasure from the dead wizards out of the tombs. I mean, sounds like it.
Christina Kann 09:24
He could have, I guess, specialized in wizard banking because he works for Gringotts, but I like to think that he specialized in wizard anthropology and history. So maybe he's helping with the treasure?
Yeah, and like charms and stuff.
Christina Kann 09:40
Oh, yeah, he's a charm breaker too. Oh, he's just so -- "there's no other word for it -- cool." So we're talking about Apparation. Harry starts asking questions, so we have to learn what splinching is. Thanks, Harry.
Everyone else, when you first read this as a child, thought of it as something comical, right?
Christina Kann 10:01
Well he says in the paragraph, he's like "A leg in an eyeball sitting on the ground."
Right, but it's not a gory leg and eyeball. I thought of like a cartoonish, like a well-rounded leg that has no gore.
Christina Kann 10:15
Like a prop.
Yeah, it doesn't even look like it was ever attached to anyone. It's just a perfectly rounded hip into leg.
Christina Kann 10:23
A Barbie like pulled out of its socket.
Christina Kann 10:28
I mean, first they have to like do this to you. They have to give it to you in a comical way because it's the first time you're even hearing of it. And then it escalates. Oh, it escalates. That's one of like the hardest things for me to read in this whole series, when Ron gets splinched in the last book.
All spoilers all the time!
Christina Kann 10:52
He gets splinched, and like, it's bad. The amount of splinched that he gets in the movies is less.
On the scale of one to splinch, he is a solid splinch.
Christina Kann 11:08
Mr. Weasley is just so happy to explain anything. He's probably like, "Harry, this is super boring, but I would love to ask you about plugs. The electrical kind."
You know, my favorites.
Christina Kann 11:22
Mrs. Weasley interrupts in the middle of a sentence because she catches a glimpse of something in George's pocket. I guess I got yelled at as a kid or something because I had a visceral response to this. When George gets snapped at, I was like, "Oh shit, it was me. Oh my god, I'm in trouble. She found it." It's like that split second of like, "Do I lie? Is there any way out?"
Is there any way I could possibly lie? Let's be honest. If you're a certain age, like a certain level of teenager, at least in my case, it wasn't "Will I lie?" It's "Is there any way I could feasibly get away with a lie?" Like is there any possibility whatsoever that a lie could work? And if there is, I'm probably going to try and lie.
Christina Kann 12:10
Also if there's no chance, I probably was still gonna lie. I lied a LOT as a kid. I was a master liar. I lied constantly.
And now I only lie to myself about how happy I am.
Christina Kann 12:24
Now I have gone way too far in the other direction. I should try being a little less honest sometimes. Yeah, so they have their little candies, their Weasleys -- pause -- Wizarding -- pause -- Wheezes. Wait, shit. Is there an -ing on that word? Wait. I thought it was "Wizard Wheezes" but my notes say "wizarding," so now I have to check everything. Okay, my book says "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes," so good for me.
Christina Kann 13:05
I just took the picture of the chapter title where I spelled out "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes" for the Instagram today cuz whoa, spoiler alert: we recorded this exactly one week ago. And I was worried that I had spelled it wrong, but I didn't. Everything's fine. Hey, don't even worry about it. Everything's fine.
We're all good. Everything's okay. Why are we all panicking? You're the only one panicking. No!
Christina Kann 13:29
Well, Mrs. Weasley and the twins, I think, are panicking also, at each other. Molly is accio-ing all of the treats out of the hiding spots on their clothes, like some pretty elaborate hiding spots.
Yeah, they had to like sewed into their jackets.
Here's the thing that does disappoint me -- and I don't know whether I'm disappointed or if this is just proof of how awesome Molly Weasley is. But if anyone is going to fully evade getting their entire stash caught, it's the Weasley twins, right?
Christina Kann 14:03
I'll be honest, I might be showing the fact that I haven't read this book in quite a while, but I don't remember them having any when they get to the World Cup.
Christina Kann 14:13
Presumably, with all the information we have, no, they don't get any of their candies there.
I'm honestly surprised. Is that just how good Molly Weasley is? Or did the did the twins misstep here?
Christina Kann 14:28
I think Molly is that good. And I think probably her accio spell is incredibly good. "Give me that! How did you get that? Hand that to me right now! Stop fighting over this toy. Give it to me." You know, slash, "Wow, that the garden is really far away and I really only need like one basil leaf. So I'm just gonna go ahead and accio that!"
I would be the laziest wizard ever. Ever.
Christina Kann 14:54
I would use technology and then use magic to bridge the gap of laziness that technology still requires you to overcome. Walking the fridge, if your phone is across the room, no, I'm not standing up. What? No! I'm a wizard, and I was muggle born. I am sitting down the rest of my life, thank you very much. I have earned that. I have studied the two worlds. I know the way to combine them. This is my future. I embrace it. I am Wall-E.
Christina Kann 15:31
I was exactly about to say that. Well, good for you, Andrew.
That would be my goal: to float around on my throne and enjoy life to the fullest.
Christina Kann 15:43
I hope you get to achieve that someday. I hope you win the lottery.
Christina Kann 15:50
Yeah, well, this time next week, we'll know. Wow, Andrew, what if you're rich by the time this comes out?
Oh, you wouldn't know. I'd be the only one to know for a while.
Christina Kann 15:58
Please pay off my house. You can hang out here anytime you want to. So Molly Weasley, mad as hell, throws away all of their candy. I do think that is very rude. And I hope she goes back into the trashcan afterwards and puts them in like a little jar for them later. I don't think it is okay at all to completely destroy your child's creative products. You know?
I think those are kind of a health and safety hazard. I think the bigger problem is don't just throw them away; if you're going to dispose of them, incinerate them. If something accidentally eats one of those things, it's dead.
Christina Kann 16:40
What I would probably do is take them and try to figure out exactly what they were and see if I could help make them safer at all. I think just telling your kids, "Fuck you. You don't get to do this thing that's your dream, you're pursuing. We're not talking about it. Just straight-up, fuck you." I think that is a bad parenting move. You know?
I've gotten to the point where I try not to judge parents. I just don't know. I don't know, and on top of that, I'm to the point now that I'm pretty much decided I don't think I'm ever gonna have kids, so like--
Christina Kann 17:17
I'm kind of like the opposite of you, where this is how I would act and maybe that makes me a bad parent. So thank God I'm not gonna have kids. I think I would be -- I was gonna say "a hardass" but I guess not as much of a hard ass as Malia easily.
Molly is super excited about grades; that's her thing. She wants them to have good grades so they can get a good job, but I don't think she's quite computing that all they really want to do is own a shop and do their own stuff. And so I think that's hard for her to come to terms with.
Christina Kann 17:52
Yeah, and Bill and Percy set a really high bar. We've don't really know about Charlie's grades. Any thoughts about what kind of grades Charlie probably got in school?
He probably did. Well, I mean, at least in Care of Magical Creatures, for sure.
Christina Kann 18:10
Christina Kann 18:12
He actually got a good care of magical creatures education with what's-their-face -- the last teacher who was there before.
Christina Kann 18:23
I think it's Grubbly-Plank. Yeah, I feel like he probably got like, not excellent grades but nothing for a parent to fuss at, you know?
He probably was able to get away with it too, because Percy would have been killing it from a young age in the grades department. So he just got that middle child syndrome, where he just--
Christina Kann 18:40
Yeah, they're like, "Two out of our three kids are doing pretty well. Let's not worry about the middle one. Don't worry."
Wasn't he the Quidditch captain though? So he still had his own accomplishments.
Christina Kann 18:50
Was Charlie captain?
I believe so.
Yeah, I think so.
Christina Kann 18:55
I believe you! Yeah, you're right. I believed you but I still -- I don't want to give the listeners false information. This is my job, okay?
You do realize you just cursed us, and at some point in this episode, we are going to give false information. It might have already happened!
Christina Kann 19:12
Oh god! I told you, I got over the lying thing! So they all set out into the dark early morning. I can like almost feel this scene, walking through the white grass before the sun comes out.
It's quite possibly one of my favorite times of year, when you still get the fog in the morning and the dew, but it's still cold and crisp. It hasn't frozen over the fog or the dew yet, but it's still like right on that edge. Gosh.
Christina Kann 19:49
It kind of gives me like traumatic flashbacks also to going to high school at like six o'clock in the morning or whatever. It's either super exciting or like "aw, fuck, school."
So I didn't realize how much of Harry Potter was trauma linked to you.
Christina Kann 20:06
Wow hmm interesting. Well, I guess if you spend like 25% of your life indulging in one specific media series, then probably a lot of trauma gets linked to it. And a lot of joy. That fun trauma. Man, this whole chapter is like kind of an info dump. Harry's like, "How does everyone even get to the World Cup?" So Arthur's just cheerfully explaining portkeys and he's like, "It's a logistical nightmare."
Are you telling me that the international Quidditch community can't get together and just create a permanent place for the Quidditch World Cup? Like I understand it's supposed to be analogous to the regular World Cup, but the difference is that you don't have to hide the regular World Cup from everyone. You don't have to hide the Olympics. In fact, you do quite the opposite. So if you're going to do that, it only makes sense to have -- off in the middle of like the sea, an artificial island that only--
Christina Kann 21:13
Like Azkaban but for Quidditch!
Christina Kann 21:18
That would be so cool. It's in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Oh my god.
That's perfect. No one goes there.
That's why it's the Bermuda Triangle.
Christina Kann 21:29
Andrew, the last time you're on an episode, we also talked about the Bermuda Triangle. We talked about Bermuda specifically, actually, not the triangle. So they're climbing this big ass hill. It's called Stoatshead Hill. STOAT. Okay, this is the first time in my life that I've read this series knowing what a stoat is. As a reminder, it's like a weasel, basically, and Hagrid eats them. So they all spread out looking for this portkey, but they don't even know what it is because a portkey's always a piece of garbage or something nobody wants to touch.
Yeah, here's my question. They say they do that so that muggles won't pick it up. But what about people that pick up litter? I pick up litter when I see it in the park?
Christina Kann 22:36
Yeah, I do too.
What if I'm accidentally portkeyed?
Christina Kann 22:39
This is from a shittier time and shittier place, I think. It's like the country of Britain. And it was the mid to late 90s.
The British countryside in '94. '95?
Christina Kann 22:56
I'm trying to remember if Mike in the last episode said exactly what year it is because he tends to know for his elaborate pop culture references, you know? But I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I think I would actually get swept away by a portkey. Slash I think I would also desperately not be able to find a portkey I was looking for.
Well, and that's the real sad truth is that in this day and age like portkeys could not work this way because people would be just picking up everything. Just walking along, there's nothing but trash. What could it be? Is it the cigarette carton? Is it the empty Monster Energy drink that is just like sitting --? What could it be? It's literally impossible to tell.
Christina Kann 23:39
Yeah, I think that it's like not unreasonable that Arthur should have been able to find out what this portkey looks like ahead of time. The ministry put it here, right?
If you're going to the effort to put 200 across Great Britain, couldn't you also like keep track of what each one is? Or is a third column on the spreadsheet just too much?
Christina Kann 24:04
Or a map. Just imagine a little map of Britain with little stamps of the little items. That would be adorable and user friendly, easy to read.
And what if you miss your portkey? Do you take the Knight Bus? What do you do? And why is the Knight Bus not a possible option?
Christina Kann 24:22
Ooh, it probably is. But honestly, the Weasleys probably don't fuck with the Knight Bus. That seems like a bit of more of a desperate situation. I would probably end up taking the Knight Bus. "You know, there's a bus for only $20 from here to the Quidditch World Cup?"
Yeah, why would you take muggle transportation if you can take the Knight Bus?
Why would you touch an old boot if you could just take the Knight Bus?
It probably smells.
Christina Kann 24:49
Well, so does the bus.
Christina Kann 24:56
I just think there's just a lot of alternatives that could have happened here. I think Arthur, if they had missed the portkey, I think he probably would have just called somebody to come make a new one -- or he might even be able to make one himself. It's a simple spell that Dumbledore does eventually.
It's literally "portus." Wow, clever.
Then Mad-Eye Moody says something about it's not worth their life creating one unauthorized, so I feel there's a big plot hole where Dumbledore can do it willy nilly, but somebody else goes to try and do it, and there's a notification in the ministry.
Christina Kann 25:39
Dumbledore, though. He can apparate all willy nilly. He can do a lot of things all willy nilly. He needs to put his willy away, honestly.
No one needs to see that.
Christina Kann 25:53
No one needs to see that. They don't find the portkey. There's a shout, though, from someone who has found it. It's Amos Diggory!
How big is this hilltop?
Christina Kann 26:07
Dude, it's like a British moor. It could be like a really big hill.
It's more like a plateau. Cuz it says that they don't see them, and Amos calls from across the hill. I don't know.
Christina Kann 26:20
Maybe there's a lot of trees, but then that would be like an extra hard for the portkey situation.
Yeah! "By the way, good luck looking through the woods, nerd. Go get your moldy boot out of the woods." Everything about this is starting to sound insulting. "We're gonna make you get up real early. You gotta climb a fucking hill."
Christina Kann 26:49
Well, the Lovegoods have been there for two weeks already or whatever because they had the shitty tickets.
I know anything about Luna Lovegood, she digs camping. I don't know why, but that just screams Luna Lovegood to me.
Christina Kann 27:04
Yeah that's the thing with chapters like this. Upon reading this, there's kind of nothing going on. But there's always something going on. There's always shit to pick apart. This portkey business makes absolutely no sense.
Once again, it's one of the things that the illustrious author of this series chose to do many times. It's like they had an idea of how many things they wanted to put in the book, like how many references, and then they just dumped in as much as possible. We'll get these chapters where it's like books worth of future shit that's all just jammed into one chapter.
Christina Kann 27:39
It's poor writing. I know we say this all the time, but when I read this book, I usually barrel through it, so I don't clock these short, inconsequential chapters because they all blur together in this nice little montage of recap and worldbuilding and Molly Weasley's cooking. But reading it chapter by chapter, this is just buildup. This is just walking up a hill.
It's kind of funny because I've had the same effect with reading them slowly and like over the course of years as opposed to days.
Christina Kann 28:18
It's been years!
It really does kind of point out is how good the first few movies were especially, because the first few movies have this episodic feel of these times, right? And when you read the books, especially this one, it's like summer, fall, winter, resolution, right? That's the way that a lot of these books in the series go is that you have the summer shit, then you have the fall is where the problem is introduced, then you have the winter, where everything goes mad and they have a little time by themselves, and then you get to the resolution at the end in the spring.
Christina Kann 28:56
Yeah, actually this setup kind of fucked me up. I expect the same from other series. Like I recently read the Percy Jackson series, and I was like, "Okay well a lot of this takes place at Camp Half-blood, so I guess every book starts in the summertime, at Camp Half-blood and then goes through the school year, and then we start the next book at the next summer at Camp Half-blood." Not at all. This book takes three weeks; this book takes six months; and then in the next book, you're four years older. That's dramatic, but it's more whiplash going around to these different books than I've come to expect from reading Harry Potter.
Christina Kann 29:37
So Amos Diggory has a moldy old boot on each foot, and then he's also holding one. Also there'd Cedric, "extremely handsome," which as a reminder, the narrator definitely is like, pretty much Harry. So...
Harry's like, "Hey, he's hot. Way hotter than Malfoy."
Christina Kann 30:01
I think that makes sense, because the way that he's like, "Dude, honestly there's no other way to describe Bill. He's cool. He's a cool dude. I'm 14. This guy is cool." I feel like Harry looks to Cedric and he's like, "I got nothing. You're extremely handsome."
Cedric is the ultimate good boy, and that's what Harry wants to be is, is an ultimate level. Good boy. He's like, "You look very handsome and look very attractive to everyone. Clearly everyone would be into you."
Christina Kann 30:32
Man, I just haven't found my perfect Cedric. Obviously Robert Pattinson no longer does it for me because it's just not right. The Cedric from Puffs was very good. If you haven't seen that, Anna, I definitely recommend it. But he wasn't this suave, extremely handsome -- he's a bit gawky and kind of Puffy. You know? This Cedric in the books is just like stoic, chiseled, you know? Kind of Kocoum. Catch me bringing up Kocoum at every turn because I married him basically. *singing* Steady as the beating drum. *end singing* So Arthur introduces everyone and we get the classic, "Harry? Harry Potter?" And he's like, Yeah, no, it's me.
By Merlin's Beard!
Christina Kann 31:28
Something that is hard when you're writing a secondary world fantasy or a fantasy like this, where it's a whole subculture that's pretty out of touch with our culture is writing language, writing slang, including profanities and stuff like swearing. And so I really like the way that they do swearing in these books. There's the stuff that the dads say, like "Merlin's beard" is a dad/grandpa thing to say.
They like made their own -- and I only learned this word the other day, so I might be using it wrong -- neo-logo-ism.
Christina Kann 32:05
I think it's neologism.
Neologism. Yeah. Which is a cool word I only learned recently. They did a really good job of creating that, right?
Christina Kann 32:26
"A newly coined word or expression."
Yeah, so it's anything that's brand new slang that isn't established slang yet to like Coke instead of Coca Cola. Right?
Christina Kann 32:40
I see. Yes. By Merlin's beard. I was like, "What the fuck were we talking about? How did we get here?" By Merlin's beard! Amos Diggory is bragging about how Cedric beat Harry at Quidditch the year before. I love Amos Diggory. I love a ride or die. He's obviously a Hufflepuff too, because he's loyal as hell. But yeah, you don't like brag to a bunch of kids about how they lost.
Especially cuz it wasn't even Harry's fault. He almost died.
And the way that he words it too. "If one can hold on to their broom and the other one can't." Okay, that is a vast oversimplification of the situation at hand.
Christina Kann 33:23
it kind of gave me alumni dad vibes where he's like, "Yeah, my kid's on the football team. And this is what you're gonna remember forever, because it's what I remember forever because I peaked in high school."
Christina Kann 33:35
Oooh! Got him. You're absolutely right.
Amos is kind of a douche and I don't feel he's very Puff. I mean, he's very loyal. But he's not very kind.
Christina Kann 33:50
Okay, okay. Is he maybe a Gryffindor?
I don't know, maybe.
Christina Kann 34:01
With his bravado.
Maybe he's just the other side of Hufflepuff where he is very loyal. And it's not that he's trying to be a dick. It's just that he is so loyal to Cedric, and he's going to push that motive even though it might not come out, right or might not sound right.
Kinda like Ernie MacMillan.
Christina Kann 34:28
Oh my god, Ernie fuckin MacMillan. He's kind of like a frat boy Hufflepuff. Even a Hufflepuff in a frat is still gonna act a certain way, you know?
Or a Puffle-bro.
Christina Kann 34:49
So it's time. "Oop, quickly, everyone. It's time right now. We didn't talk about it before. I didn't explain the concept to you. You have no idea what's going on. To me! Quickly. To me!" And everyone touches the portkey.
How strongly do you think you must grasp said portkey?
Christina Kann 35:13
I think like skin to skin.
You think just a fingertip would do?
Christina Kann 35:31
The fingertip is enough. He pokes it with the tip of his finger.
Yeah, I think Mr. Weasley even says, "It'll only take like touching it with your finger."
I really should have paid more attention at the end of the chapter.
You really should have, Andrew.
Christina Kann 35:45
It spells it out!
Yeah, it does say says "You just need to touch the portkey; that's all. A finger will do."
Christina Kann 35:51
Thank you so much, Andrew. You're being a stand-in for the listener who doesn't know anything. And so that way we can explain everything.
I do feel bad. I legitimately read this chapter twice, but nothing happens. And by the time I got to the end of it, I was just like, "ahhhh."
Christina Kann 36:09
Andrew, don't feel bad. One time in college, I was taking a world literature class. And it was like, pretty hard for me. Everything's translated. It's all poetry. I don't really fuck with poetry. And the teacher would do a quiz at the beginning of every class to make sure you had done the reading,pulling stuff from the poems, you had to answer these questions to verify that you had done the reading. And I would read them every time, several times. In fact, it escalated to reading them as many times as I physically could. And I was still failing these quizzes because none of it stuck in my brain at all. Because generally it was a really hard class for me. So I went to the teacher's office hours, and I was like, "Hey, I'm having a really hard time keeping any of this stuff. What do I do?" And she was like, "Honestly, read it more." And I was like, "Okay, well, I'm already reading each of these poems like five or six times," and she was like, "Read it more. I don't know. Remember it better?"
Can you assign us better poems? Is that possible? Like, maybe don't give us crap? Just saying.
Christina Kann 37:08
There is one poem from that class that stuck with me like hell, and I've actually plugged it on this podcast before, but the name is escaping me right now.
That was my least favorite class.
Christina Kann 37:18
Absolutely. Me too. Well, and I had to take it twice.
Christina Kann 37:24
I'm pretty sure I failed it twice, snd then I was just like, "I'll do something else. I don't know."
I will find another path, god dammit.
Christina Kann 37:34
Oh, well, I don't remember the name of that poem. But...
Christina Kann (voiceover) 37:36
"If my heart were a wild bird" by 15th-century Turkish love poetry master Fuzuli. "If my heart were a wild bird, it would nest in your twisted curl / wherever I am, oh jinn, my love is by your side / I'm happy with my suffering / take your hand from the medicine that will cure me / Oh Doctor, do not heal me / the poison that destroys me is your cure / Don't be shy and pull your skirts from the hands of those fallen with love / Take care for the hands which holds your hem / if you suddenly emptied may pray evilly to the sky / The fragments of my shattered heart lay pierced on the spearpoints of your lashes / Go to sleep drunk on your own beauty / and mend my heart by the closing of your eyes / separation from you is death, beloved, the end of life itself / I am bewildered by others who live long apart from you / The wick of your spirit is twisted like the hyacinth curl of the beloved / Hey Fuzuli, you can't hope for release / until you burn like a candle with love's flame."
Christina Kann 38:39
So we're in the middle of a portkey! How did we get so distracted in the middle of a portkey?
Love finds away.
Christina Kann 38:48
So Harry feels this pole like in his gut. And I thought that was interesting because, as I recently mentioned, I recently reread the Percy Jackson series for the first time, and that's also where magic grabs Percy, behind the belly button. Isn't that interesting?
I feel like that happens in a lot of books with magic, that it's in your gut. You have to like reach down into your gut and pull it up.
Christina Kann 39:13
That's so interesting.
Not to totally take this off track, but when I was young, for whatever reason, when I read the word "naval," I thought it was like . . . behind your boob. So I always imagined like being pulled by your boob anywhere that you went.
Christina Kann 39:31
Shut the fuck up!
I don't know why, but I misread it. I guess maybe I thought I read "nipple" or something. But for some reason, to this day, I hear "naval" in regards to a portkey, and I still think boob.
Christina Kann 39:57
Gods grant that none of us gets yanked by our boobs anywhere.
Thank the lord.
That sounds like an old Greek punishment in Tartarus, being led by the breast around.
Is that why some people have three nipples?
Christina Kann 40:14
This is my punishment nipple!
Harry Styles has four!
Harry Styles has four. He must be in extra trouble.
Christina Kann 40:27
Does Harry Styles really have four nipples?
I think so.
Same some for the rest of us.
Christina Kann 40:37
Obviously, I fact-checked this one, and here is what I learned from the article "Harry Styles Has Four Nipples and Here's the Scientific Reason Why," which was posted in LadBible earlier this year. He does have four nipples, they're tiny. They're cute. It's explained in this article that sometimes when human beings are developing, nipple cells just wander. So it's not uncommon to have extra nipples. It turns out Mark Wahlberg has three nipples. And that's the only other example this article gives. But um, but there you go. Four nipples. Double your pleasure.
Christina Kann 41:21
If you do have a third nipple that's exclusively for punishment, surely it's pierced, right?
It's not, it will be.
Christina Kann 41:33
We always spiral really hard right before the very last thing that happens in the chapter.
How do we land this portkey?
Christina Kann 41:42
Yeah well, they land. They're here.
Oh, we did it!
I feel like it sounds like maybe Cedric Diggory has taken a portkey before, because him, Mr. Diggory, and Mr. Weasley are still standing, and everybody else is on the ground.
Christina Kann 41:59
Oh, I wonder if it's an easy way to travel with kids. I don't know if floo powder costs money, but making a portkey is free. So maybe Amos Diggory got certified in portkey magic, or whatever, since you can't do it unless you're allowed to.
And he works for the ministry.
Christina Kann 42:19
Yeah, exactly. Maybe they have classes on the weekends.
Yeah. It could also be the opposite though it could it be that it's a sign of prestige because you have the connections to get the portkey approved. Right?
Christina Kann 42:30
Maybe it's actually the elitist thing to take portkeys. "Amos Diggory grew up taking Cedric everywhere by portkey just because he could. No other reason."
Christina Kann 42:43
Just as a reminder, the Diggorys also live in Ottery St. Catchpole. So I don't know if there's a lot of wealth going on in that area. It just feels to me like a bunch of country families. Yeah, the Lovegoods as well. The Lovegoods and the Weasleys, those are both very British countryside, children running around bare feet in the garden. This place can't be real. Actually, what if I'm talking about a real place?
Where the children famously run barefoot.
Christina Kann 43:21
The fact that Harry Potter came up first doesn't mean this isn't a real place. *gasps* It is! It is real.
It's not Israel.
Christina Kann 43:32
it's located in Devon, England. Oh my god, wait, I need to look at photos.
You know that this place, you could probably watch a graph of its tourism industry just jump right around 2004-2005.
Christina Kann 43:50
Wow, prank's on me because obviously all of the images of this place are just from Harry Potter in the Google image search. Okay, I'll do more research about that later. Um, anyway, we're here. We're at the Quidditch World Cup. Any last words about the chapter? Anything we didn't touch on? Anything we should touch a little bit more?
That third nipple.
Always touch the third nipple.
Always go for the third nipple. It's just good advice. Solid advice.
Christina Kann 44:22
No, I don't think there's anything.
Christina Kann 44:28
Okay, great. Well, let's move on to some plugs. I would like to start by plugging our Patreon. There's a lot of really dope stuff going on over there for patrons. The $5 a month tier gets you access to our monthly bonus episodes, which are -- no offense to the main feed -- but they're more fun and generally better. This month, our bonus episode we'll be sorting Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. So get ready for that. I'm freaking excited. I'm pretty torn about some of these characters.
Oh no, I'm going to have to re-binge a bunch of Brooklyn 99 because it's actually been a while since I've watched it.
Christina Kann 45:25
I've been re-bingeing for this purpose, and it's a fucking delight. It's better the second time. Um, so anyway, join us on our Patreon, and for as little as $1 a month you can be part of our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. Andrew and Anna hang out there. So come join us. Andrew, what do you have to plug this week since you cannot be found on the internet?
I've recently discovered the Apple TV show The Morning Show, and it is absolutely fantastic. It's Jennifer Aniston and Steve Carell and bunch of other people. It's absolutely fascinating. Oh, what is her name? I can't remember. Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon. That's it.
Christina Kann 46:20
Christina Kann 46:23
But you have to split those points equally. 5 to each Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Yeah.
Yeah, it's a great show. The first season is really well done. It's a really cool show. I highly recommend it.
Christina Kann 46:46
Hell yeah. Thank you so much -- which, I've realized, is what I always say after every single person's plug. Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
Christina Kann 46:57
Anna, do you want to be found on the internet?
You can find me in the Discord! I occasionally post there. And I mostly lurk and just like people's posts.
Christina Kann 47:11
And that's a really important role.
Yes, it is. And you can find me on Instagram, but my profile is private. So if I don't recognize who you are, I'm sorry.
Christina Kann 47:25
But what you are saying is if I already know, you find me on Instagram.
Christina Kann 47:37
So what do you have to recommend that you've been watching, reading, listening to, etc lately that you think our listeners might enjoy?
I've been watching Only Murders in the Building on Hulu.
Christina Kann 47:49
That's next on my list. I haven't seen it yet.
It's so good. And the episode this week was told from like a deaf person's perspective. And I took sign language in high school and college, so I find that really fascinating and important. The whole episode is basically silent. When he's on the screen, you hear nothing, but if he's not in the scene, then you hear background noises but the characters don't speak. It's such a fun little romp. It's Selena Gomez and Martin Short and Steve Martin. Someone is murdered in their building, and they decided to start a podcast to figure out what happened. So yeah, it's really fun. I highly recommend it. I'm super loving it.
Christina Kann 48:40
Awesome. I'm really excited to check that one out. Personally, I've been your host Christina. I'm going to plug something that I've already plugged on this podcast. You should read The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle.
We've been talking about it a lot in the Discord, and it makes me want to read it so bad. So it's on my ever towering list of TBR.
Christina Kann 49:35
It is written by Stuart Turton. And it is one of the most unique, artful, surprising books I've ever read in my life. And I've read thousands of books. This book caught me off guard. It's pretty hard to do that. I'm not trying to brag; I'm just saying send me book recommendations that you think are gonna catch me off guard, please, for the love of God. And I'm recommending The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. I fuckin love it and it's making its rounds because around the friend group because once you read it you can't stop talking about it. Well, Anna, thank you so much for joining us. I'm so happy to finally get you on the pod.
Thanks, me too. I'm glad to be here.
Christina Kann 50:17
And Andrew, my fearless co-pilot. I gotta go finish reading Just Get There! Off the Grid Portkey Creation before this book disappears without me. Bye.