4.5 Weasley's Wizard Wheezes (episode transcript)

SPEAKERS
Mike, Brooke Matherly, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:02
"This had to be Charlie, who worked with dragons in Romania. Charlie was built like the twins: shorter and stockier than Percy and Ron, who were both long and lanky. He had a broad, good-natured face, which was weather-beaten and so freckly that he almost looked tanned. His arms were muscular, and one of them had a large, shiny burn on it. Bill got to his feet, smiling, and also took Harry's hand. Bill came as something of a surprise. Harry knew that he had worked for the wizarding bank, Gringotts, and that Bill had been Head Boy at Hogwarts. Harry had always imagined Bill to be an older version of Percy: fussy about rule-breaking and fond of bossing everyone around. However, Bill was -- there was no other word for it -- cool. He was tall, with long hair that he had tied back in a ponytail. He was wearing an earring with what looked like a fang dangling from it. Bill's clothes would not have looked out of place at a rock concert, except that Harry recognized his boots to be made, not of leather, but of dragonhide." It's hot. They're both so hot.
 
Christina Kann  01:32
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to the Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouth we read the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about this week.
 
Christina Kann  01:51
Chapter Five: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Harry makes it safely to the Weasleys' house, but the twins are anything but safe when Molly learns that they fed a Ton-Tongue Toffee to Dudley Dursley. She's mad all day until finally the family sits down for a nice dinner before going to bed early because they all have to get up early for the Quidditch World Cup tomorrow. Did I mention that we get to meet Bill and Charlie? Because we do.
 
Christina Kann  02:22
Welcome to the Restricted Section, where we firmly condemn entrepreneurship of any kind! If you don't work for the government, we're not proud of you! I am delighted to be joined by my amazing friend -- I didn't pre-choose adjectives -- Brooke! Say hello to the listeners, Brooke.
 
Brooke Matherly  02:39
Hello. I am in fact a government employee, so it all works out!
 
Christina Kann  02:45
And we are delighted to be joined as well by Mike today! Say hello to the listeners, Mike.
 
Mike  02:49
Hello! I am a proud unemployed American.
 
Christina Kann  02:53
That deadbeat husband of yours.
 
Brooke Matherly  02:57
That's alright. I like being a sugar mama. It's a power dynamic that works well for me.
 
Mike  03:02
It's pretty kinky.
 
Christina Kann  03:03
Mike, it's been a hot minute since you've been on the podcast. How have you been?
 
Mike  03:07
I've been great. You know, just living in this semi-post-apopcalyptic world that we call America in 2021. You know, just waiting for the zombies to show up. Right?
 
Brooke Matherly  03:18
I don't mean to fully call you you out, but it's good that there's a point to it. You accidentally misspoke and said "apopcalyptic," and that would be such a great album name for like a pop album.
 
Mike  03:33
So here's another thing. I've been married to an English major. So that in its own right is trauma.
 
Christina Kann  03:41
I though you were gonna make an "apoplectic" joke.
 
Mike  03:45
...And anyways, she's friends with other English majors.
 
Christina Kann  03:50
It means like so mad that you like can barely talk, right?
 
Brooke Matherly  03:54
I don't know. You've out-vocabed me on that one.
 
Christina Kann  03:57
What? Apoplectic. I'm googling it. And it means "overcome with anger or extremely indignant," and you often see it like "I'm apoplectic with rage."
 
Brooke Matherly  04:09
Folks, she nailed it.
 
Mike  04:10
Damn, things I thought I would be doing with my Wednesday night.
 
Christina Kann  04:16
So we are here today to talk about the Goblet of Fire, Chapter Five: Weasleys' (pause) Wizard (pause) Wheezes. Crushed it.
 
Brooke Matherly  04:27
There is simply no way to say this any faster than you just said it right there.
 
Christina Kann  04:31
Just say www! ... dot weasleys wizarding wheezes dot com
 
Brooke Matherly  04:38
I have like a Reese's Piecies / Reese's Pieces moment with this, where I always think that it's Weasleys' Wizard Wheezies instead of wheezes.
 
Christina Kann  04:49
What does this name even mean?
 
Brooke Matherly  04:51
I think -- wheezes being like you're wheezing with laughter.
 
Christina Kann  04:56
Okay.
 
Brooke Matherly  04:57
So they're like wizarding jokes that will make you wheeze with laughter, and they're made by the aforementioned Weasleys.
 
Christina Kann  05:05
Right. I probably would have just called my company like Weasleys and left it at that because it's kind of cute by itself.
 
Brooke Matherly  05:12
But aren't they like an old magic family? Like, that's the thing, right? Like people would know.
 
Christina Kann  05:19
They could be a bank, or like a law firm. Weasley, Weasley, Weasley, and Weasley,
 
Brooke Matherly  05:24
Or a grocery store. Grocery stores be named everything.
 
Christina Kann  05:27
Oh, yeah, that's true.
 
Brooke Matherly  05:29
Like a Kroger is not inherently food-based.
 
Mike  05:33
Yeah, also, if you met somebody named Kroger, you want to just automatically be like, "Oh, of the Krogers."
 
Brooke Matherly  05:39
A grocery man, I see.
 
Christina Kann  05:42
A grocer indeed.
 
Mike  05:44
A fine American family, the Krogers.
 
Christina Kann  05:48
So the chapter starts with Harry flooing really hard into the Weasleys' kitchen. He's escaping the last chapter. He left Dudley with his tongue growing, Uncle Vernon throwing china, Aunt Petunia screaming in fear, and Arthur just trying to figure it out.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:09
I just love that as soon as he's out the fireplace, Fred's just like "DID HE EAT IT???" It's just like the most like boy prank moment of "Did it work?"
 
Christina Kann  06:23
Yeah, it definitely was premeditated, for sure, evidently. Fred explains that he and George invented these candies, and they've been looking for someone, anyone, to test them on.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:39
I'm surprised they didn't get any takers from within their family, to have your tongue grow up to a ton in weight out of your mouth.
 
Christina Kann  06:48
Yeah, maybe if I was like a parent, I would be like, "Okay, I can probably fix anything you might do to me," but like, maybe not though.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:57
But his parents are not supportive of this nonsense, right? It's not like when your daughter's like, "I want to be a hairdresser!" and you're like "Alright, you get to cut this section of hair." You know what I mean? Like, so that you can try it out or like you know, you let your three-year-old put makeup on you.
 
Christina Kann  07:17
That's temporary.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:18
Yeah, if this goes wrong, we're dealing with new magic.
 
Christina Kann  07:25
Well, it's true it's true, but also they've been trying it on themselves, so I feel like that would help persuade me. If you've done it on yourself like six times, and it's worked fine every time, I might try it.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:34
Maybe probably. I like to think that -- okay, they've been obviously making these all summer, and they've been looking for someone to try it out on. Does that mean that the twins have just been like up in the kitchen? Like just baking up a storm of toffees?
 
Christina Kann  07:52
Interesting. That's a good question.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:54
You can't magic food, right? That's one of the rules.
 
Christina Kann  07:59
If you have the ingredients, you could -- they could like be magic thing it in their -- Oh, I don't think they're allowed to do magic. But actually, they might be able to. I don't remember
 
Brooke Matherly  08:10
They can.
 
Christina Kann  08:11
They're not old enough, but I think we've talked before about how maybe kids who have magical parents can do magic at home because how can they tell it's not the parents?
 
Brooke Matherly  08:20
Right.
 
Christina Kann  08:20
But they could be using like a cauldron or something in their bedroom.
 
Brooke Matherly  08:25
I mean, we do here later in the chapter that people have been hearing bangs coming from their room for quite some time.
 
Christina Kann  08:32
Yeah, indeed. I guess that's when the potion doesn't quite work.
 
Brooke Matherly  08:40
My headcanon: The reason that Molly is so upset by this is because she has been working with the twins all summer to perfect a toffee recipe that she thought she was passing down to them as an important family recipe, only to find that they've been enchanting it to cause nonsense.
 
Christina Kann  08:54
Oh my god that's like if my grandma gave me her beloved family brownie recipe and I was like "Alright, I'm gonna put some weed in it, though!" She'd be like, "That is not what this recipe was intended for."
 
Brooke Matherly  09:06
100%
 
Christina Kann  09:09
My grandma used to give me $20 bills in college and say "Don't spend this on weed!" and I would feel like, "Well it's the only 20 I have on me, so I'm gonna spend it on weed for sure."
 
Brooke Matherly  09:18
You gave me cash! If you don't want it spent on weed, write a check!
 
Mike  09:23
Also, way to date yourself, cuz man, that's a simpler time. $20? Wow.
 
Christina Kann  09:32
I used to need a lot less weed to go on. Because of the post-apocalyptic America that we live in, as you mentioned previously.
 
Mike  09:41
Of course.
 
Christina Kann  09:41
So let's talk about how Fred and George given this candy to Dudley is bullying. This kid hasn't done anything malicious in like three books, honestly.
 
Brooke Matherly  09:51
I mean yes, but also no. He's got a lasting legacy of shittiness.
 
Mike  09:58
Yeah, I gotta I gotta stop that because I think the fact is we've all been reading this book very slowly, chapter by chapter -- what are we going on? Over a year now? Whereas a lot of us, when we first consumed these books, chugged through like 2, 3, 4, some of us like five books, all literally in one magical go. So in a lot of ways across the whole psyche of many readers, you get this aspect of "No, fuck him. I still remember him for the first book. He's a piece of shit." Whereas if you were to read it very slowly, yeah, you would be kind of like, "Why are they--? Come on! It's been a couple years now, guys. Let it go."
 
Christina Kann  10:38
Yeah, especially Fred and George, because they've never even met the kid. They don't know how skewed Harry's storytelling might be. They're older and they're magical.
 
Brooke Matherly  10:48
But they're also just like down to clown at a moment's notice. That is their entire character type. Fred and George are 100% of the people that you can call at three am because you're in prison in Alabama. And they're just like, "All right, we're coming."
 
Christina Kann  11:03
For the record, I would come for you in prison in Alabama if you needed me to.
 
Brooke Matherly  11:07
Thank you so much. I intend to never get imprisoned in Alabama.
 
Christina Kann  11:10
Well, not in Alabama!
 
Mike  11:12
For the record, I would not one because -- yeah, there's a lot of reasons. Going back to the Weasley brothers, I think this chapter is probably a really actually important chapter. And I know it might get overlooked because it's so short, and it's kind of like, you know, a little bit of fluff. But I think one of the reasons why this chapter is so important is because, in a lot of ways, Goblet of Fire is the first real deal adult, serious Harry Potter book. And I think for a lot of fans, it is that key, pivotal moment, where it's like, "Okay, we went from fun little adventures on the side, to now a coherent plot that will follow through for the rest of the series. And I think JK Rowling uses the Weasley brothers in a lot of ways like Shakespeare -- me and Brooke just saw Henry the Fifth. And I was thinking back--
 
Christina Kann  12:02
Ooh, my second-favorite Henry!
 
Mike  12:04
Yeah. And I keep thinking back -- there's this reoccurring theme with the soldiers that are just goofing off. And when you watch it, you're kind of like, "What's the point of this?" But they add a lighthearted moment, and they add a fun little distraction. Because in this book, we're dealing, finally, with the serious ramifications of magic, magic law, magical powers, magic can kill now. Here we see people enjoying magic as a child would enjoy magic: for fun, for laughter, for jokes. And they constantly remind us of that, and I think that's why it's on full display here. Yeah, they're doing all these things, but it's harmless. Like, look what they did to the Dursleys. But it's like "Ah, it's okay." Whereas everything else in this book, we see magic being used, and it's permanent. It can be like, you get hurt. But with the Weasley brothers, you're kind of like, "Hey, that was a fun little ride. Don't do it again."
 
Christina Kann  13:07
Later in the book, they turn Neville into a canary suddenly.
 
Mike  13:10
Also, that's why I would have a threesome with them.
 
Christina Kann  13:12
Oh.
 
Mike  13:13
Dude, you just feel like it'd be a good time. You feel like there'd be some jokin and even if there's something awkward that happened during it all, you know you could just laugh about it afterwards.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:22
I feel like friend George would play really upbeat music in the background and like dance when they're not directly involved, you know?
 
Christina Kann  13:28
Oh, yeah!
 
Mike  13:29
Yeah, I think having a threesome with those two would be pretty fantastic.
 
Christina Kann  13:36
The twins definitely like house music, I think, for what it's worth.
 
Mike  13:40
Oh, yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:44
My number-one threesome pairing of the Weasley family gets introduced in this chapter.
 
Christina Kann  13:50
I was gonna say! Is this the best segue ever? Go ahead.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:54
Bill and Charlie are literally in the house!
 
Christina Kann  13:58
Yeah, they're in the house. Harry's never met them. Charlie is muscular and burned and hot, and Bill is tall and rock and roll and cool and hot.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:09
So here's the thing. The initial characterization that we get when we meet Charlie is probably some of my favorite character introduction that we get in this series. These are the two best introductions in the entire series.
 
Christina Kann  14:21
Yes! It paints such a picture for these characters that ultimately are pretty inconsequential.
 
Christina Kann  14:26
Yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:26
The first time that Harry meets Charlie, he literally -- it's he holds out his hand to shake it, and it says that "Harry shook, feeling calluses and blisters under his fingers." To have that be the first thing you learn about a character, I'm just like, "Yes!" You get it immediately. This is a man that does hard shit. You know?
 
Brooke Matherly  14:28
You know, he's a little bit stockier. We get like the fact that, yeah, he's got recent burns on his hands. I do only just want to contest the fact that Bill -- to say that Bill is unmistakably cool is a very '90s conception of cool, because he is introduced as wearing a fang earing, his hair in a ponytail, and wearing dragonskin leather boots. I don't know how much rock and roll that is, as much as it is just like, Aerosmith, you know what I mean?
 
Mike  15:29
I always imagined him being Billy Idol except with red hair. You know? If you've ever seen press photos of Billy Idol, like '80s Billy Idol, you just expect him to be like, "With a Rebel Yell!"
 
Brooke Matherly  15:48
A single fang earring just reads as very Crocodile Dundee to me.
 
Christina Kann  15:52
I think he would rock it. I imagine him wearing almost like a -- Oh my God, I don't know the kind of jacket it is -- almost like a Victorian-era -- like a knee length dragon leather jacket or something very hip to tie the whole outfit together.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:10
See, I thought you were talking about a My Chemical Romance Black Parade jacket.
 
Christina Kann  16:14
Oh, yeah, like that! Just like that. Yeah. Um, so my notes that I wrote a long time ago encourage me to now initiate a detailed conversation about who you would fuck, and it reminds me to refer to our Twitter poll from July 28 and 29th of this year. So I went back in time on the Twitter. I asked on our Twitter: Who would you fuck? Bill or Charlie? And we got a whopping 23 votes. I think this is pretty much the hottest debate of this series, except for that it's so overwhelmingly skewed every time.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:52
Is it all Charlie?
 
Christina Kann  16:53
35% said Bill and 65% said Charlie.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:58
Here's the thing: Charlie is introduced as sexy, strong manly man, and Bill is introduced as a banker with an earring.
 
Christina Kann  17:11
That reminds me of my friend's stepdad has an earring that he got really recently, you know?
 
Brooke Matherly  17:16
Right. That's what I'm saying. You get a couple of teases about what it is he does, but it's like, "As long as I find treasure, it's fine." But you work for a bank. I grew up with a parent who worked for the bank and like, singular earrings and male ponytails are not the vibe of a bank.
 
Christina Kann  17:37
Yeah, I mean, I definitely would super consensually fuck Bill enthusiastically. But, as Haley said in a Twitter comment on our poll from July of 2021, which is this year, Haley said, "I mean, no hate to Bill. He's objectively hot. I just have a type and it's butch himbo nature boy." There's just something very like chaotic wilderness energy, you know?
 
Brooke Matherly  18:04
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  18:05
Almost like a puckish figure. He dances with dragons!
 
Brooke Matherly  18:08
I see that.
 
Mike  18:09
Nah, dude. Do the twins.
 
Christina Kann  18:12
I'm not gonna do both the twins!
 
Mike  18:14
Well, that's just because you're not adventurous. Do the twins.
 
Christina Kann  18:19
The twins are gigantic though. Not their penises. They're just tall. Those actors are like 6'3" at least. They're very tall.
 
Mike  18:27
Like I said, you know, take a fun ride, enjoy it. I'm not saying date them. Hell, I'm not even saying go on a date with them. I'm just saying text them late at night, "Hey, you up?" and just you know, go over there and just have some fun.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:41
I'm so afraid that I would reach out in the dark to grab a penis and it would turn into a mouse to startle me.
 
Mike  18:46
And that's the fun of it. That's kind of the fun of it. You don't know if they're laughing at you or laughing with you.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:56
But I do know that they're laughing inside me.
 
Christina Kann  19:02
Oh, I how do I transition from this into like, disciplining your children?
 
Brooke Matherly  19:08
That's the thing: Mr. Weasley comes in so hot, like, "I am going to be a disciplinarian in this moment."
 
Christina Kann  19:14
It's so funny to me -- Here's the thing. If Sean and I had seven children, we would be these people. And sometimes, we're interacting with the cats, and I'm like, "This is why we can't have kids." And it's things like this, where Arthur obviously wasn't going to tell Mrs. Weasley, who's been on this mission all summer of trying to set her kids on track. He's like one of the kids who's like, "Now we all know your mother is a hardass. So I'm not gonna tell her." I think part of the problem is that the kids think it's hilarious and they're roaring with laughter, and Arthur is like, "I just had to deal with so many, so many things before I left that house."
 
Brooke Matherly  19:56
I mean, he brings up the fact that he's mostly upset because of the mistreatment of Muggles issue.
 
Christina Kann  20:01
Right.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:02
This speaks to his like only hobby as a wizard. He's like, "I had a moment finally in a Muggle household to just be there with their Muggle things. I was looking at outlets. I was having the grandest of times, even though we had to do all this crazy shit to get Harry out. This was a moment for me, and you decided to unprovoked attack a Muggle in my goddamned presence."
 
Christina Kann  20:29
They insist that they gave this candy to him, not because he's a Muggle, but because he's "a great bullying git," which is not completely untrue, nut he just wasn't doing anything this summer. He was very scared already. Anyway, Arthur's like, "You wait till I tell your mother," and then Molly immediately enters the room.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:48
Like "Tell me what?" And Arthur's immediately like, "I was not intending to tell you anything."
 
Mike  20:56
"Yeah, this was a hollow threat at best."
 
Christina Kann  20:58
"I don't know where to go from here."
 
Brooke Matherly  21:03
"Tell you what, I'll tell you what. Harry and the twins are having a real lark, and you just can't -- you can't dance like that in the middle of a floo powder session."
 
Mike  21:14
"I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. The twins definitely weren't railin' some chick, that's for sure."
 
Christina Kann  21:21
See, Arthur is a bad liar. We have no evidence for this. But he definitely is.
 
Brooke Matherly  21:29
He has the demeanor of a bad liar.
 
Christina Kann  21:32
Yeah, he's just too good. Sean's the same way. Sean is a terrible liar. He just can't fake it. I just want to make a note of this and then we'll move swiftly on. A lot of the last two chapters we spent harping on how grotesquely obese and like waddling Dudley Dursley was, and Molly Weasly is also fat, and she gets described as "plump" because she's a good person.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:02
She gets the Santa Claus treatment.
 
Christina Kann  22:04
She gets the Santa Clause treatment! She's like joyfully plum.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:11
Plump and jolly.
 
Mike  22:12
Look, she definitely doesn't suffer from diabetes. She's just living her best life.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:19
They're ostensibly superduper poor, but if they're super duper poor, she sews her own clothes, she's overweight and harried. She's got seven kids to keep track of and two of them are barely graduating from school. But you know what, like, she's a really nice person. She's so happy though.
 
Christina Kann  22:38
Right. It's immediately clear that Mr. Weasley was not actually going to tell Molly, as we mentioned. Enter Hermione and Ginny. They're just standing there; everyone's just standing there, and then the Molly-Arthur-twins thing really escalates very quickly.
 
Brooke Matherly  23:02
Movie Hermione would never pick up on the social cues inherent to this conversation and be like, "Hey, Ron, Harry, welcome. We should go check out where Harry is going to be staying so he can put his bags down." And Ron's like, "Huh?" and she's like, "We should go now." Movie Hermione would just be like, "I don't understand human interaction is this book?" You know what I mean?
 
Christina Kann  23:27
It's even more subtle. She's like, "We can all go," Hermione said pointedly. There is a lot more subtlety of dialogue here, I think, because just writing that someone does something pointedly is a lot easier than getting a 14-year-old actress to say something very pointedly.
 
Mike  23:44
Yeah, I think the big key point is you have a dialogue that's written by an adult versus a dialogue that has to be acted out by a child. And at the end of the day, there's always going to be limitations to that.
 
Christina Kann  23:57
Yeah, totally. So Harry Ron, Hermione, and Ginny leave. They're walking up -- There's like a whole, like West Wing like, montage -- not montage, but like -- what am I trying to say? The one shots of them walking down the hall--
 
Brooke Matherly  24:15
A walk and talk?
 
Christina Kann  24:15
A walk and talk! But it's just up the stairs, up those seven flights of stairs or whatever. Ron's explaining to Harry what is Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. We learned that Molly found some order forms in the twins' room. They are obviously going to want to start selling these at Hogwarts next year. They have loads of trick wizard shit. But obviously it is kind of dangerous. So Molly put her foot down and burned their order forms.
 
Brooke Matherly  24:49
The most ridiculous part of this is the fact that Molly's so against it. Dude, your kids have an entrepreneurial spirit. They've actually created products that are well above what they should be able to do at this point in their lives. And they have successfully already taken orders -- they've sold them already. They're doing it. They've got a frickin Etsy shop.
 
Mike  25:12
Imagine if Bill Gates, who started his company -- was it Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? One of them started their company in the garage. Imagine if their parents had come in and be like, "Get your shit out of my garage! I need to park our car."
 
Brooke Matherly  25:23
"That's a lot of electric wires. That looks dangerous."
 
Christina Kann  25:29
Yeah. Molly was already mad because the twins didn't get as many OWLs as she expected. How did the fuck do OWLs work? How do you get one? What does that mean?
 
Brooke Matherly  25:40
I think if you pass it, you get it.
 
Christina Kann  25:43
That's such a weird way to phrase it.
 
Brooke Matherly  25:45
I think they're all done on a pass-fail system.
 
Christina Kann  25:48
What?
 
Mike  25:49
I don't know, I think it's supposed to harken to a lot of standardized testing. Don't forget, in England, their school system is much more stricter. So I forgot what we had in school -- I think it was called like the Topeka or something like that.
 
Christina Kann  26:07
Topeka, Kansas?
 
Mike  26:08
Yeah, it was like a standardized test, and they gave it some dumb name. But I think it's supposed to be like that. It's like, "Oh, you're supposed to get your standardized mark." So like, the concept was there's a standardized test, and if you don't do well on them, that's bad.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:24
They are individual examinations in a variety of things. I think to get an OWL means that you passed that particular examination, because they take a lot of them. They take like seven.
 
Christina Kann  26:33
But what does that mean? For their school career? Can they not continue taking classes in a subject if they don't get an OWL in it the previous year?
 
Brooke Matherly  26:45
I think so. I think that it like tests you into upper levels of things. If you took a French language proficiency test, and they were like, "You don't get to go to Advanced French, because you cannot write a whole essay in French, and that's a required skill for the upper level."
 
27:00
I think that's a very, like I said, a very European mindset. You know, Europeans, their education is very structured. And then as you go further up, it becomes much more narrow, whereas American education is very broad, very much a liberal arts kind of get your tastes in everything. And I think maybe it's kind of a concept that as an adult, if you didn't get OWLs in that, they're like, "Well, you can't open up this store. You can't practice this kind of magic, because you didn't do good in transfiguration. Therefore, you cannot practice transfiguration."
 
Brooke Matherly  27:32
Well, I don't know that it's that you can't ever do it, but I think it just disqualifies you. With the UK university system, there undergraduate degrees are only three years long, because you do your first year of your undergraduate degree in high school, like our version of high school, because you've already tested into a university track or a non-university track.
 
Christina Kann  27:55
Oh, interesting.
 
Brooke Matherly  27:56
And then you've already picked a specialization by that point. So you already know. So I think this is meant to kind of roughly approximate that system. I think you take OWLs in a large number of subjects and you take fewer NEWTs later on.
 
Christina Kann  28:13
Yeah, I think that in book five before his OWLs, Harry does career guidance with McGonagall. And that's pretty much what that is.
 
Mike  28:24
When she wrote this book, I don't think she ever really imagined a worldwide audience. I think she was just hopeful like, "Maybe this will take off in England and some other Commonwealth countries." So I think there are things that are intentionally added -- maybe not even by her maybe later by our editors -- where they were like, "Kids will relate to this better if we have these generic concepts that are similar, but not too similar, to what most kids go through in school."
 
Christina Kann  28:53
Yeah, that makes sense. The Weasley twins told Molly that all they want to do after school is open a joke shop. Molly wants them to go into the government. It's just so funny because like, obviously not with this much chaos. They're not going into the government! She's in denial, I think.
 
Brooke Matherly  29:11
Well, we've also talked about the fact that there are ostensibly three career tracks in the entirety of the wizarding world.
 
Christina Kann  29:16
And they're not going to be teachers!
 
Brooke Matherly  29:18
Yeah, it's teachers government or entrepreneurship. They are too chaotic for teacher or government. This is the only option left to them. What are they supposed to do otherwise, Molly?
 
Christina Kann  29:26
Yeah, exactly. So they are still walking up the stairs. They meet Percy on the landing. He comes out of his room in a huff and asks them to shut up from "thundering up and down the stairs."
 
Brooke Matherly  29:42
Okay, so he has this weird conversation with them about standardizing cauldron bottoms, because he's saying foreign imports have been a little bit on the thin side and it's causing extra leakage. Is this an intentional "made in China" joke? Is that what we're to take here? The classic thing of "Made in China isn't exactly a mark of quality there!" You know what I mean? Is that what this is alluding to?
 
Mike  30:15
If you think about it from a geopolitical standpoint -- once again going back to the brilliance of JK Rowling -- she foresaw a lot of the trade issues that would become issues--
 
Christina Kann  30:25
Mike has a knife in his hand. I just want everyone to know.
 
Mike  30:27
--and America and the current destabilization of the supply chain. Really, I think she foresaw that, and I think what she's trying to really hint at and warn her readers is that, you know, Tesla stock and Bitcoin is definitely going to roll in, and if you're not doging on the Robin Hood -- so I think that's really what she was trying to get at.
 
all  30:54
*stunned pause*
 
Christina Kann  30:55
Yeah, we can look for some more throughout the rest of the chapter. Percy's just bragging about work.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:04
Okay, did Percy graduate? Is that what happened?
 
Christina Kann  31:06
Yeah, last year.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:07
This is his like job job.
 
Christina Kann  31:09
Yes. His job job. Cuz he was Head Boy last year.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:12
I'm kind of shocked that he didn't try harder to move out.
 
Mike  31:18
Dude, what? 18 year old --? I'm sorry, man. I was a 19-year-old like waiting tables at Olive Garden. What 18-year-old is just sitting there being like *pretentious noises* like, come on, man.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:29
I could see Percy being like, "From a logical perspective, I save a lot of money by staying at home with my parents." But clearly he's not happy here. He's like, "There's so much chaos all around me." Yeah, there's always gonna be, dude.
 
Christina Kann  31:40
Yeah, maybe he's waiting to see how it is when the kids go to school for the year, though.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:45
Maybe.
 
Mike  31:45
Also maybe the wizarding housing market is pretty stifled.
 
Christina Kann  31:50
Yeah, where is he gonna move to like live near other--? I guess London because that's where the Ministry is.
 
Mike  31:56
Once again going back to like English culture and European culture in general, that's very very common.
 
Christina Kann  32:02
What, wizards moving out of the house?
 
Brooke Matherly  32:06
No actually, wizards staying home.
 
Christina Kann  32:08
I see I see.
 
Mike  32:09
In Europe, it's very common, if you're 20, 21, 22, to be living at home. In fact, it's kind of expected. So I think it's not odd really to be like, "I have a job. I'm stable. I have what many Americans would view as the impetus to move out, but I'm not going to because housing is hard to get and commuting is very difficult, I'm gonna save money, so I live at home with my parents."
 
Brooke Matherly  32:40
it's similar to the northeast of the US. A lot of my friends that I know that live in New Jersey and Long Island and New York, they live with their parents for longer because their parents are just like, "This makes more sense. You can't really actually afford to live on your own. Just live here for a little bit longer until you can save up enough money that you can get an apartment on your own." I don't know. It just struck me as particularly weird for Percy because he clearly hates being in this environment so much.
 
Christina Kann  33:10
Yeah. And also they live in fuckin Ottery St. Catchpole, which is not the place to live to be thriving as a young adult and moving your career ahead in the world.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:22
I think he would want to be around other like other wizards--
 
Christina Kann  33:27
Other Percys.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:27
--in a more thriving environment so that he could network and rub elbows with people, you know what I mean?
 
Christina Kann  33:32
Yeah, it's true. So Ron and Percy fight, and Percy slams the door and Ron stomps up the stairs. And finally they make it all the way up to Ron's room at the top of the house. There's actually a really, really adorable illustration of it in my Jim Kay illustrated edition that I'm going to post on Instagram today, of Ron's little room. I love it so much. It's very orange, but the illustration makes it look kind of lovely, you know? And "Ron's old rat, Scabbers, was here no more." Okay, sure. We don't have time to go into that backstory.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:07
I have a real question, because there's a big debate in this moment. And I want to know from our listeners, and we'll put a poll up on the Twitter. Pigwidgeon as an owl name: cute or catastrophic?
 
Christina Kann  34:21
But also Pig!
 
Brooke Matherly  34:23
I like Pig as a nickname. I'm actually with Ron on this. I think Pig is a cuter nickname than Pigwidgeon is as a full name.
 
Mike  34:30
It also just sounds cool. "Here piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, souieeeeee!"
 
Brooke Matherly  34:35
I don't think they sooie at their pigs there, do they?
 
Mike  34:39
You know, that's a great question.
 
Christina Kann  34:41
Definitely not at their Pigwidgeons.
 
Mike  34:43
If we have any English farmers listening, please comment.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:47
Stop threatening me with that knife.
 
Mike  34:49
I don't know what you're talking about. It's my magical wand. It's my it's my pointy death wand.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:53
Michael calls it his magical wand because when you're waving a knife at someone, they tend to do what you want them to.
 
Mike  34:59
It's pretty BA. But anyway, sooie.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:06
But Pigwidgeon. As a whole name, I think it's catastrophic. I think that's terrible.
 
Christina Kann  35:11
Okay. Well you can vote in the Twitter poll.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:14
Okay.
 
Christina Kann  35:16
There's usually two beds in this room for no reason because Ron sleeps in it by himself -- but right now there's four beds because Charlie and Bill are sleeping in the twins' room so the twins are sleeping in with Harry and Ron, which is ... the injustice. So Charlie lives in Romania; where does Bill live?
 
Brooke Matherly  35:33
I think Bill has a cool bachelor pad.
 
Christina Kann  35:37
In like London or something.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:38
I'm gonna put this out strong: I think Bill has found a bachelor pad loft with an observatory.
 
Christina Kann  35:44
Whoa!
 
Brooke Matherly  35:45
I feel like that's his vibe.
 
Christina Kann  35:46
So specific. I like that. I'd fuck there! Anyway, so they just like sit around and chat a bit. Ron's talking about how Percy is so obsessed with his job and his boss, Mr. Crouch. Hmm? That'll never come up again.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:05
I don't know when this chapter takes place, but I'm shocked that it's not April because this is a little Easter egg hunt. There are little Easter eggs all over this chapter.
 
Mike  36:14
Wow. Okay.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:20
Because we get the Mr. Crouch tease.
 
Christina Kann  36:22
Right. Bagman later.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:24
We're going to get to our girl Bertha Jorkins.
 
Christina Kann  36:28
Yeah, Bertha Jorkins!
 
Brooke Matherly  36:30
We also tease the suspicious secret event coming up later that we're all preparing for which is obviously the triwizard tournament.
 
Christina Kann  36:40
Yeah, definitely. This whole chapter is just setup, and it also feels like the whole last chapter was just setup, and last chapter we were talking about how the chapter before that was all setup. Should have been some condensing of chapters round this part of this book.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:53
Like a good flan, we are at this point fully set.
 
Christina Kann  36:59
And the next chapter is also kind of setup. And the chapter after THAT is when stuff starts to really happen, I think!
 
Brooke Matherly  37:05
It takes a while for everything to cure.
 
Christina Kann  37:08
It takes 130 pages to get to Hogwarts.
 
Brooke Matherly  37:13
We haven't had that kind of a wait since the first book.
 
Christina Kann  37:16
You're right. The first book there was a lot of buildup in the beginning.
 
Mike  37:20
Yeah, but because there was so much buildup in the first book, and because it was so frustrating, it's literally left the vibe that still sticks and to all subsequent books, where Harry's afraid of being stuck with the Dursleys. And even now we hate Dudley. So that buildup still pays dividends even now. Wait, so wait, I can't remember. Goblet of Fire -- by this point, this is the longest of all the novels, right?
 
Christina Kann  37:48
Yeah. Oh, for sure.
 
Mike  37:49
Yeah. Actually, I remember when this one came out, and I was like, "Holy thickness!"
 
Brooke Matherly  37:56
That's also what he says to me every night.
 
Christina Kann  38:00
I do like 'em thicc. Yeah, so once the yelling in the kitchens appears to subside from basically the attic where they are, they go back downstairs to help with dinner. Molly is angry cooking, which -- I've been there, girl.
 
Brooke Matherly  38:16
Dude, same. Angry cooking is second only to angry dish cleaning.
 
Mike  38:22
My mom used to angry cook, and she would make amazing dishes. So as kids, we would intentionally piss her off, just do outlandish things to make her cook. So I knew that if I got in trouble at school, and I came home, I was like, "Man, I'm gonna get my ass whooped. But we might have crab legs tonight!"
 
Brooke Matherly  38:45
Michael is an amalgamation of Fred and George.
 
Christina Kann  38:49
That is so funny. So because she's mad, she's being careless -- also been there -- so everything's going wrong -- also been there. The potatoes are shooting around the kitchen and everything's exploding and she's slamming stuff. It's a shit show. She's just in her own little world right now. She's having a livid, vivid monologue that just absolutely no one needs to -- she wants no one to engage with her. She's just on a roll.
 
Brooke Matherly  39:24
Clearly this is coming from a good place. She's just very, very worried about her kids. This is another big difference: Molly in the books isn't just like a vapid, overly supportive, quirky Mom, you know? In the movies, she comes off as "not like the other moms," basically.
 
Christina Kann  39:48
Right.
 
Brooke Matherly  39:48
Where she's just like there for them all the time. Like, "Whatever you want to do. Follow your dreams. I'm here to support you." And in the book, she's just like a real mom, where she's like, "I want you to do well. I don't want you guys to end up unemployed and sad. I would like to see you do something with your lives."
 
Mike  40:06
"I don't want you to be overweight, unemployed, and sad--"
 
Brooke Matherly  40:11
"--looking after seven kids alone in the countryside, and you never really did anything with your life."
 
Mike  40:15
And she just pops like seven Zolofts offs.
 
Christina Kann  40:21
Here's a question: she has rage. We see her rage at different times. And I think we can all agree that her family and her husband are a little afraid of her emotional reactions to things. Is she maybe like a little emotionally abusive, or manipulative?
 
Brooke Matherly  40:44
I don't think she's emotionally abusive or manipulative. I think she's just the glue that holds the family together, and everyone is aware of that. So if she needs to be catered to, then she needs to be catered to.
 
Christina Kann  40:59
Interesting.
 
Brooke Matherly  41:00
Because if Molly gets too frustrated and walks out, no one makes dinner, no one makes clothes, no one gets school supplies. The house doesn't get clean, everything falls the fuck apart.
 
Christina Kann  41:11
That's true.
 
Mike  41:12
As a man who lives in constant fear of his spouse, I can sympathize a lot with their captiveness and how they're being held hostage by their mom, who is a violent, emotionally manipulative human being--
 
Christina Kann  41:28
I see your perspective.
 
Mike  41:29
--who has monopolized basic chores within the house and use it as punishment to withhold.
 
Brooke Matherly  41:38
Yeah, I'm punishing you by withholding your abilitiy to do chores.
 
Mike  41:40
Whoa! No, nobody was comparing this to our relationship. Why would you make that correlation jump? But now that we're here, let's talk about that.
 
Christina Kann  41:48
Mike, put the knife down.
 
Brooke Matherly  41:49
Yeah, you still got a knife in your hands!
 
Mike  41:51
Yes, and you have one at my heart.
 
Christina Kann  41:59
The boys run outside for safety, and Charlie and Bill are having a table fight. That's the cutest thing about them both, is that they're like "This is a fun idea."
 
Brooke Matherly  42:14
It's actual chaos. They don't stop until one of the tables breaks, and then they just magically glue it back together. I don't understand how Molly's so caught up with, what? A toffee that made someone's tongue grow real big? And then she does in the kitchen grab a fake one that turns into a mouse.
 
Christina Kann  42:33
Yes, that was probably very infuriating, bad timing.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:36
Yep, but meanwhile, her other two sons are fighting with her furniture outside. She's just like, "Oh, but that's Bill and Charlie."
 
Christina Kann  42:46
Once you've proven yourself and left the house, you get to just be whoever you want to be.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:51
You get free reign.
 
Christina Kann  42:56
Percy, however, screams at Charlie and Bill out of the window to keep it down.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:01
I love that he screams at them, and Bill, without skipping a beat, is like, "How's the cauldron bottoms coming on, buddy?" I love watching the Weasley kids interact with each other because they are just the most siblingy siblings to ever sibling.
 
Christina Kann  43:20
Yeah, and we've wondered aloud on this podcast a lot about the dynamic of the Bill-Charlie-Percy relationship before other children were born, you know? Because Percy does seem to not really fit in anywhere, but for a while it was just the three of them.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:39
There does seem to be a real divide in the family.
 
Christina Kann  43:43
The twins are like a hard wall.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:45
Yeah, because the twins are just so much.
 
Christina Kann  43:50
Yeah, it's amazing they have kids after the twins.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:54
Well, the twins are how much older than Ron? Like three years older than Ron?
 
Christina Kann  43:58
They're two years older.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:00
Gosh, that's late. I mean, I guess not. They would have been like one-ish when Molly got pregnant again. And like I could see, "Alright, they're one. They haven't really started developing outlandishly." They're not particularly mobile at that point. And then like by the time you have Ron, you're like, "Oh, no, what have I done?"
 
Christina Kann  44:23
And then you're like, "Please, please just give me a daughter. I'll do anything!" and you have that one last Hail Mary baby, and you get Ginny! Which in the movies is a burden, but in the books it's a great bounty.
 
Mike  44:35
Also, I'm just gonna say this: wizarding condoms aren't all they're made up to be. They still use goatskin.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:41
We've talked about this before on the podcast. What is wizarding birth control? Surely they have very effective forms. I refuse to believe anything otherwise.
 
Christina Kann  44:51
Potions! Just an easy potion. It tastes like Lacroix.
 
Mike  44:56
Yeah, they have seven flights of stairs in their house. That's what they have. I don't really think they're mixing the potions on Planned Parenthood in the wizarding world.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:15
Michael, Michael. Put the knife down.
 
Christina Kann  45:22
All right, I'm taking the reigns. Let's all sit down for a nice family dinner and be polite. Please take off your hat.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:29
This meal sounds delicious.
 
Christina Kann  45:31
Yeah, for sure.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:34
We get chicken and ham pie -- which, yum -- and then boiled potatoes -- which I'm assuming are seasoned to some point -- and then a nice salad. This is an ideal meal to me.
 
Christina Kann  45:46
And then dessert is... "They had their pudding, homemade strawberry ice cream." I know that that's your kryptonite, strawberries.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:55
I don't like strawberries.
 
Christina Kann  45:57
It still sounds delightful. Imagine it was a different kind of berry.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:59
Homemade raspberry ice cream, I could fux with. Blackberry for sure. I don't like strawberries. I find their flavor to be offputting. But I'm alone in that.
 
Christina Kann  46:09
It's your only character flaw.
 
Brooke Matherly  46:11
I am as alone and not liking strawberries as Haley is alone in not liking cheese. I accept that I'm the only person in the world.
 
Mike  46:18
One of the things I did like about this scene was the subtlety of having Paul Hollywood show up and give a handshake to Mrs. Weasley.
 
Christina Kann  46:29
Is the new season out yet, or have you guys only just been seeing all of the ads on social media like I have?
 
Brooke Matherly  46:35
I've just been seeing all the all of the ads.
 
Christina Kann  46:38
They posted on Instagram today themselves doing a parody of Achey Breaky Heart -- like, I can't. I can't with with that at all.
 
Brooke Matherly  46:50
Oh, dear lord.
 
Christina Kann  46:52
But that actually is exactly the vibe that's happening right now, Great British Bake Off. Definitely Fleur and Bill's wedding in the Weasley backyard in the last book with the big tent, you know?
 
Brooke Matherly  47:04
I really like the exchange about work that happens here between Percy and Mr. Weasley, because this is exactly how my father and I talk to each other about our jobs. My father and I are in different but related industries.
 
Mike  47:17
It's super exciting visiting her inlaws.
 
Brooke Matherly  47:21
My dad and I are in different but related industries, adjacent industries. And when we talk, we talk exactly like this, where I'm always really fiery, because I've just been in it less time. My dad very patiently is like, "You know, there's wisdom in a lot of people you'll meet, even if you don't like working with them." You can tell Mr. Weasley is proud of his boy, but he's also trying to impart a little bit of like--
 
Christina Kann  47:52
He's like, "Hey, chill out."
 
Brooke Matherly  47:54
Well, and it's also government, and anything in government is also politics. You can't just be like burning half the people in the Ministry and still expect to do well.
 
Christina Kann  48:06
That's a good point. Yeah, they talk about Ludo Bagman because Mr. Crouch doesn't like Bagman, but Mr. Weasley says mildly that he likes the dude. It just is so funny to me. Ludo Bagman got the Weasleys their tickets to the Quidditch World Cup, which is an excellent favor, if you ask me, because that sporting event is dope, and I don't even like sports.
 
Brooke Matherly  48:30
For the low low price of Mr. Weasley not investigating his brother, who definitely tampered with a Muggle object.
 
Mike  48:40
Have we talked about government bribery?
 
Brooke Matherly  48:42
That's literally what happened. Mr. Weasley straight up took a bribe to not pursue legal action against this dude's brother. That's how they're going to the Cup right now.
 
Christina Kann  48:58
That's so funny. I didn't even clock that. Yeah, that's pretty par for the course, I think.
 
Mike  49:06
What if Voldemort, in a different world, was kind of bad because his methods aren't good. But like he's also like, "Hey, I have a political like foundation, and I believe that the current government's corrupt, and I'm gonna end it." And you're kind of like, "Oh, okay, well I don't agree with how you're doing it, but he is kind of right." Hmm.
 
Brooke Matherly  49:28
Another thing that's like very government to me that gets mentioned in this, is they mentioned that Bertha is not good at any job. But instead of firing her, they've just been moving her department to department for years. It's just very government to be like, "Yeah, we can't fire them. Maybe they'll do better over here."
 
Christina Kann  49:48
I love her so much. I love just a dumb bitch who's so happy and trying her best. That's my favorite kind of person. Yeah, they're talking about Bertha. She's missing. Percy's like, "Mr. Crouch would never do this," and then he's like, "There's this big event coming up. You know the one, Father."
 
Brooke Matherly  50:12
The top secret big event thing that we're working on that no one knows about. But actual question: is the Triwizard Tournament a surprise? Doesn't it occur on a schedule?
 
Christina Kann  50:25
I think they had to take a break because people got hurt -- or died. I think in the last one people died. So they took like, a 100 year break or something.
 
Mike  50:37
Sorry, that's just the most wizarding thing to be like, "These kids died. Should we maybe import safety measures? No, let's just take a hundred-year break and forget about this."
 
Christina Kann  50:50
Well, maybe it was like a 15 year break. I don't know.
 
Mike  50:53
They're like, "We'll just forget about it and repeat the past. Sounds pretty good to me!"
 
Christina Kann  50:59
We've figured out a way for people to probably not die this time.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:02
They just wanted to hit a point where people are like, "Remember that fun tournament we used to do when we were in school? I can't remember where they stopped doing that."
 
Christina Kann  51:13
My question is why they would -- logistically, from a governmental, administrative standpoint -- why would you choose to do to host the Quidditch World Cup and host the Triwizard Tournament in the same year within a couple months of each other?
 
Mike  51:30
This is actually terribly interesting, and it was actually answered in some fanfiction. There is this contest that's held every year in Europe called the Eurovision, and you see, the wizarding English team won that year. I believe it's on Netflix.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:49
You mean Iceland? Don't disrespect Fire Saga. I love that movie. That movie got me through some dark times.
 
Mike  51:58
What if the wizarding world had their own version of Eurovision? And they're like, "Whoever wins Eurovision this year gets to host that tournament where the kids die?" Like fuck yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:13
I mean, maybe that's the thing. Do they just like randomly select other schools every time?
 
Mike  52:18
It's only three schools, man.
 
Christina Kann  52:19
It is three schools.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:22
They go on to talk about the World Cup. And they're mentioning all of the teams that played in the, I suppose, runoffs or playoffs? And it's like, fully global. We get Ireland obvi,  Bulgaria obvi, but we also get Peru, Luxenborg, Wales, Scotland, and Uganda.
 
Christina Kann  52:45
I thought we were talking about the Triwizard Tournament.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:49
Well, that's what I'm saying. Maybe the Triwizard Tournament just like bounces around the world with different sets of combinations of schools going on, Is it always the same three?
 
Christina Kann  52:57
I think so.
 
Mike  52:59
Yeah. I think it's supposed to be like kind of like--
 
Christina Kann  53:01
The European magical schools.
 
Mike  53:03
Yeah, well, like Harvard versus Yale kind of thing. These three schools have this ongoing rivalry and it's kind of known.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:11
And we let them kill each other recreationally?
 
Christina Kann  53:13
No, but that's the point is we think we figured out how they can probably not maybe kill each other.
 
Mike  53:18
Probably not.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:19
Probably no one will die.
 
Mike  53:20
We don't really know because we haven't held this tournament at 100 years, so we're not really sure, but fuck it. Let's do it.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:26
The Hogwarts promise: probably no one will die.
 
Mike  53:30
You're sending your kid, and along with the first letter you get is another owl with a whole book of just forms you have to sign.
 
Christina Kann  53:38
Waivers.
 
Mike  53:39
Just waivers upon waiver. The kid just gets this nice little letter, but the parents are running around with stacks of paper. And one of them, because it's wizard, they're like, "Hey, you've got to sign this with your blood. It's got to be under a full moon." You're like, "What? Why?" and they're like, "Your kid might die!"
 
Christina Kann  53:57
Bold of you to assume that anyone in the wizarding world would value actual paperwork. It's cute -- during this part of the chapter, we're just getting little snippets of conversation. It's a little bit tedious. We could be doing other things right now. But we get Mrs. Weasley arguing with Bill about his earring. "No one at the bank gives a damn how I dress as long as I bring home plenty of treasure," is his answer. I have a couple of questions. Is Bill a pirate? Is Bill bringing home treasure ethically? Is it possible for anyone who is a resident of Britain to bring home treasure ethically?
 
Brooke Matherly  54:33
I think there's probably a 0% chance that this is fully ethical. But if we were to take a potentially ethical spin to it, I think there is a case to be made that maybe he tracks down stolen items. You know what I mean?
 
Christina Kann  54:49
Like a spy.
 
Brooke Matherly  54:51
Yeah, basically. If Gringotts was making a cash transfer done in ye olden day style, where they put it in a suitcase that gets chained to someone's wrist right. And they're like, "They killed our messenger and they stole 2000 gold. Go find it." I could see that.
 
Christina Kann  55:09
Galleons, please.
 
Brooke Matherly  55:10
Galleons. There can be gold galleons. I could see it being like that kind of scenario where he tracks down--
 
Christina Kann  55:22
Let's say that that's what he's doing.
 
Brooke Matherly  55:25
Misappropriated, stolen, or otherwise -- I think people can report -- because they don't have a credit card, so if someone steals your shit, you can't just like turn it off and get the money credited back to you. I think Bill's the back end of that.
 
Christina Kann  55:38
Okay, all right. I like that interpretation. Also, he might be a pirate.
 
Brooke Matherly  55:43
Maybe pirate. I do like that this is the most mom conversation in the world. I -- and Tina, I know you've done the same on multiple occasions -- dyeing your hair funny colors gives you the exact same response from your parents. Where they're like, "Your hair is rainbow. How can anyone respect you? Did they stop paying you a salary the minute that you did this?"
 
Christina Kann  56:03
Right.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:04
And you're like, "Nope, believe it or not, I talked to the CEO like this, and he doesn't care."
 
Christina Kann  56:08
Right. I am in fact the same person I was before.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:11
Yep, shockingly, not a single person I've ever been on a job with has been like, "Dear God, you have a tattoo. Leave and never return."
 
Christina Kann  56:20
Right! Leave and never return.
 
Mike  56:23
Also, this is like the '90s, so it's kind of like wickedly Gen X.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:27
What?
 
Mike  56:28
To be like, "I have a dragon earring."
 
Brooke Matherly  56:32
To be fair, he has a fang hearing. We don't know what the fang is from.
 
Mike  56:36
I always assumed it was a dragon.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:37
But it is -- Easter eggy chapter -- and what does Bill get bit by later?
 
Christina Kann  56:45
A werewolf?
 
Brooke Matherly  56:47
Maybe it's a werewolf fang.
 
Christina Kann  56:48
Interesting.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:50
From the moment he enters this series, he's tagged as a beast inside.
 
Christina Kann  56:54
Oh, wow. They left their mark on him! Interesting. Okay.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:00
Um, I have one last question.
 
Christina Kann  57:02
Go ahead.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:03
About their Quidditch conversation. How did they know? Are they reading about these in the paper? They don't have TVs; they don't have radios. Are they reading about these matches in the paper? Or are they attending them? They're all over the world.
 
Christina Kann  57:17
Do you remember how in Hello from the Magic Tavern, they have all the different ways that you can tune in to watch Mittens? Including -- isn't there one that's like slaughtering a cow and like watching in its blood?
 
Brooke Matherly  57:29
Slaughter a horse and watching in its blood, yep.
 
Christina Kann  57:34
In this case, I have no idea.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:36
I'm assuming it's just the paper but like--
 
Christina Kann  57:39
That's not very exciting.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:41
It's not. They're enthusiastically talking about like, "Oh, they edged them out in the last minute," or "Well, Krum's a decent player, but Ireland's got seven." How do you know? How many games have you seen of Bulgarian Quidditch? How are you to know any of this? How does Ron even keep up with the Chudley Cannons?
 
Christina Kann  58:04
Yeah, I don't know if he like -- I mean, it just seems so distant from how we receive news like this, that a kid would go to his mom or dad and be like, "Hey, did the Cannons win last night?" and then have the answer be enough. But like, these are country, old-fashioned kids.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:24
It's baffling to me because I just don't understand how you could be a devoted fan of a sport that you cannot see ever.
 
Mike  58:32
This is literally the most millennial conversation I've ever heard.
 
Christina Kann  58:38
Maybe maybe Arthur can get other free tickets to local games from work, but this is the World Cup so they bring Harry.
 
Mike  58:50
Yeah, he doesn't go to many games. That's what makes us special. But he follows the team, reads it in the newspaper, sees it, and talks to people, and they tell him. It's a very millennial mindset to be like, "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist. How doI know you went to Belize? It's not on your Instagram!"
 
Brooke Matherly  59:12
Even in the '20s, they listened to baseball games on the fucking radio. They don't even have that!
 
Christina Kann  59:16
How do you get emotionally engaged in something you can't actually experience?
 
Brooke Matherly  59:20
Correct.
 
Mike  59:21
So that's why you go to the game.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:25
But these games are happening in Uganda and Peru. Right?
 
Mike  59:28
Okay. Okay. Hold on. We are reading a book about people who literally just transported through a fucking fireplace and you literally just asked, "How do they get to these places?"
 
Brooke Matherly  59:39
Does Floo powder work internationally?
 
Christina Kann  59:42
I think it would have to.
 
Mike  59:43
"How do the people on the broomies with the magical powers--?"
 
Brooke Matherly  59:47
It just seems like it would be too much.
 
Mike  59:50
"How did the school from -- Oh, they took their magical boat under the water and it just appeared?"
 
Christina Kann  59:55
Both perspectives are valid.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:57
Would have to dump a whole satchet of Floo powder to get all the way to Peru?
 
Mike  1:00:03
"How did that one school with the magical flying cart -- Oh that's right! They just flew there!"
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:08
I am never going to be satisfied, even in this series, for an answer being "because magic."
 
Christina Kann  1:00:14
Okay, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ron asks Harry if he's heard from Sirius Black, and the answer is yes. And that's it. It's a very brief conversation.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:25
Thumbs up.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:27
Gotcha.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:27
They're like, "About anything in particular?" and Harry's like, "Hmm, what have I learned in the past 3 books about telling people what's going on? Nothing? No, everything's fine."
 
Mike  1:00:37
Wouldn't it be crazy if it's like a movie and they asked that line in the movie and Harry says it, and then you just see his eyes stare off and you see like sounds in the background? And you're like, "Wait a second, there's a whole side quest here? and they're like, "Oh yeah, whole side quest. Whole adventure."
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:53
Just horror imagery of nightmares of people being killed.
 
Mike  1:00:56
Yeah, like we murdered some people for a weekend.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:01:02
Harry's like, "I am not sure entirely how complicit I have been in a couple of murders at this point." Which is a lot for a 14 year old.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:11
Yeah.
 
Mike  1:01:12
That's why he's just like, "Yeah, yeah, Ron, I have."
 
Christina Kann  1:01:19
Mrs. Weasley finally sends everyone to bed and because they have to be up at the crack of dawn to get to the World Cup. She's going to spend the day getting their school supplies from Diagon Alley. She's honestly probably like really, really stoked to be able to just go shopping by herself. I would be if I were her.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:01:37
I'm also hoping that Harry, like, wizard Venmoed her enough money for this, because she surely does not have the cash to be also getting his school supplies, and Harry is very rich.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:49
Yeah, you're right about that.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:01:50
He should be paying them rent. He is wealthy enough to be paying them rent.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:54
Yeah. That's it gang. That's the end of the chapter. Is there anything that we failed to address that you just simply must discuss?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:03
If anything, we just failed to undress? And that was really a disappointment to me.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:08
Aw.
 
Mike  1:02:11
Wizards invented international travel. They're also recklessly murdering children for their own bloodsport, and you know, don't ever pass up on a chance to have sex with two twins.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:26
Mike's lessons at knifepoint.
 
Mike  1:02:30
Which is another podcast you should tune into, or else!
 
Christina Kann  1:02:34
Well, that seems like a good segue as any directly into our plug portion of today's episode. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! September's bonus episode for our patrons covered My Immortal, the very mysterious and goffick and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction and all of its lore. Special shoutout to Haley for running that one for us. Link is in the show notes. Please support us on Patreon to get more bonus episodes of that nature. Brooke, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:08
You can find me on Instagram @passion_for_parks. You can find me on Twitter @grumpybrooke. And this week, I would love to plug a book that I have been demanding everybody in my entire social circle read. It's called "Malice."
 
Christina Kann  1:03:24
Oh yeah! You're bringing it to me.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:25
I am. It's called "Malice" by Heather Walter. Part of the reason I'm so excited is because it's so rare that I just walk into a bookstore and I picked up a book based entirely on cover art. And I flipped open the inner jacket, and I read a couple sentences, and I was like, "Yeah, fuck it, I'll get it." And then what I proceeded to read was one of the most original, well thought out, delightful, sapphic fantasy novels. It is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. It is fucking amazing. It's one of two, but the second book is already written and good to go and coming out in May of next year. So this is not a thing where we have to worry about reading it or getting invested in it. And it's just so good. It is a great book. Everyone should read it. I make no hesitation there: everyone should read it. It is very, very good, and I loved every minute of it, and you should too. "Malice" by Heather Walter.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:22
Oh my god, I'm so freakin excited.
 
Mike  1:04:25
Read it.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:27
Mike, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Mike  1:04:29
They can find me on the Internet at 208-672-2222--
 
Christina Kann  1:04:38
I thought maybe you'd plug your Instagram or something.
 
Mike  1:04:40
Oh, I thought you needed my local IP address! My bad. You asked me where I was on the internet! You can find me on Instagram @weirdcarsrva. You can also find me on TikTok @magicmikedancedancedance.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:04:47
You cannot find him @magicmikedancedancedance.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:59
I wish.
 
Mike  1:05:02
But yeah, sadly I am not as well versed as by amazing, intelligent, beautiful wife, so I do not have any books to recommend.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:05:09
Plug that poem that you've been digging.
 
Mike  1:05:11
Oh, there was a really good Leonard Cohen poem called "Kanye West Is Not Picasso." It's freakin amazing. It's a really short poem. So if you got two minutes, just literally type on Google "Kanye West Is Not Picasso."
 
Christina Kann  1:05:32
Hell yeah. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann, you can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann, and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week I have to recommend to you -- What is it? What did I decide? I forgot already. Oh! Bob's Burgers! I'm plugging it because the new season started last week, last Sunday, actually. And I fucking love that show. Y'all know I love that show. I have plugged it before. I just wanted to let anyone who doesn't know that there's a new season know that there's a new season. I don't know anything. I haven't watched it yet. Podcasts get recorded ahead of time. Well, that's that. Brooke, Mike, thank you so much for joining me on this fine, fine evening.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:14
Absolutely. We're always happy to get to hang out with each other in someone else's presence. We're the masterful couple of making other people third wheel for us.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:25
I love that.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:26
You're actually probably one of the few people that has enough of a sense of self and strong personality that you can't be made a third wheel.
 
Mike  1:06:34
You are. You're the unicycle.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:37
And we're just like clinging to the back of it.
 
Mike  1:06:40
I don't know what the fuck we are. I don't know what else goes on a unicycle.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:43
We're on a trick bike. You're actually driving it. I'm sitting on the handlebars, and Mike's on the pegs on the back.
 
Mike  1:06:50
And we're totes about to go play N64 at Eric's house right now and I think he has some weed from his older brother.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:58
Guys, how am I supposed to naturally wrap it up from here?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:07:03
Just go for it. Plunge straight in.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:03
I gotta go finish reading "Tricky Candy for Tricky Boys" before this book starts disciplining me. Bye!
 
Brooke Matherly  1:07:11
Bye.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:11
Mike, say bye.
 
Mike  1:07:14
Byeeee!
 
Christina Kann  1:07:18
The Restricted Section is thrilled to be a member of the Movie Night Crew Podcast Network, which features amazing other podcasts, such as My Cabbages: an Avatar Podcast. My cabbages is an avatar the last airbender podcast that was started by two lovable nerds during a global pandemic to stave off their inevitable existential crisis.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:55
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/restrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:09:43
Did you just get a knife to scratch your back with?
 
Mike  1:09:46
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:09:47
You got to show her that night. It's a large knife.