4.6 The Portkey (episode transcript)

Christina Kann (voiceover)  00:02
"With difficulty owing to their bulky backpacks, the nine of them crowded around the old boot held out by Amos Diggory. They all stood there in a tight circle as a chill breeze swept over the hilltop. Nobody spoke. It suddenly occurred to Harry how odd this would look if a Muggle were to walk up here now -- nine people, two of them grown men, clutching this manky old boot in the semi-darkness, waiting."
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  00:47
What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  01:07
Chapter Six: The Portkey. Honestly, this whole chapter is summed up by the title. They find, use, and discard the portkey in this one, gang. We're really just learning: what is a portkey? Maybe that will come up again in a moment of crisis. I'm not sure. We get to meet Amos and Cedric Diggory along the way! "Extremely handsome Cedric," that's a direct quote. And now we're all at the Quidditch World Cup.
 
Christina Kann  01:40
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old and moldy boots are very valuable. I am delighted to be joined by my dear friend today, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew.
 
Andrew  01:54
Hello, listeners. I'm a little concerned that I'm your friend today. I thought I was your friend most days.
 
Christina Kann  02:01
Wow, that's a good point. Clarity of language.
 
Andrew  02:05
It hurts, okay?
 
Christina Kann  02:06
You got to put commas in places to make it clear what words are grouped together. And I am so excited that our special guest today is friend of the pod Anna! Say hello to the listeners, Anna.
 
Anna  02:18
Hello!
 
Christina Kann  02:19
Hey, every time I say hello to the listeners, I hear Leila in the back of my head because she one time she sang, "Hello to the listeners, Lelia." But she sings that a lot better than me. But anyway, that's what my head does when I say "Say hello to the listeners." Anna, we're so glad you're here. Why don't you start by telling us a little bit about your Harry Potter history. When, how did you get into it?
 
Anna  02:44
The first memory I have is listening to the audiobook in third grade of Prisoner of Azkaban.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  02:51
Oh, would you look at the time? What time is it? It's correction o'clock. All right, Anna didn't even listen to this audio book in third grade, it was fifth grade. Okay, don't get it twisted. Don't go telling people Anna listened to this in third grade, because it's not true, snd you're gonna look like a damn fool.
 
Anna  03:09
I'm sure I read the first two before that. But that's the first memory I have of it. And I wasn't cool enough to go to any midnight book releases. So I didn't actually finish the series until probably 10 years ago. I picked it back up and read the whole thing. I'd seen the movies. And yeah, so I started back up about 10 years ago. And then I read it every year, at least once, if not twice, usually in fall/winter.
 
Christina Kann  03:45
Yes. I tend to read this series -- obviously not anymore because we're reading it very slowly over the course of like 10 years -- but I usually read Harry Potter once every two to three years, and I always start reading it around like October/November, right as I'm starting to spiral into that winter depression. It's like, "Quickly, quickly, something!"
 
Anna  04:05
Bring the joy, bring the joy!
 
Christina Kann  04:07
Yes. Awesome. Well, what Hogwarts house are you?
 
Anna  04:12
I like to call myself a Ravenpuff.
 
Christina Kann  04:16
I love Raymond.
 
Anna  04:18
Me too. Every time I take the test, depending on the day or month or whatever, I get either one. It's about 50/50. So I like to claim both.
 
Christina Kann  04:31
Wow, I love that. Yeah, we're here today to talk about Goblet of Fire chapter six, the Portkey. That's what happens in this chapter.
 
Andrew  04:42
It is a very descriptive title.
 
Christina Kann  04:45
Yeah, and we're done! That's it. Thanks for joining me today, gang.
 
Anna  04:52
Kay bye!
 
Christina Kann  04:52
Okay, so we wake up. It's the World Cup. Let's go. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Why does Ron get to bring two friends to the World Cup and no one else gets to bring anybody?
 
Anna  05:05
Yeah, that's the question. I'm sure it's because their tickets are free, and Harry basically lives there, and it seems like Hermione basically lives there every summer to so works out.
 
Andrew  05:16
I always thought that it was not by accident that they ended up there. I always figured that Fudge wanted Potter in that box. He wanted him in the press box to show him off. Like, "That's right. We got Harry Potter on top of everything else here." You know, he's like the trophy.
 
Christina Kann  05:36
That tracks. Here's my question. Why bring Hermione? Who doesn't give even one single shit?
 
Andrew  05:46
If you're going to try and fandangle your way to get Harry to show up, you don't want him to be suspicious, right?
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  05:53
Did you know it's actually against the law for any podcast editor to permit one of their episodes to say "don't be suspicious" without including the following audio clip?
 
clip  06:06
*Don't be suspicious clip*
 
Andrew  06:10
You don't want it to be obvious that you're just bringing Harry Potter to bring Harry Potter so you're like, "Yeah, bring your whole family! By the way, doesn't your son like the two people? like he has two friends? Not just one, two friends? Why doesn't he bring both of those friends?"
 
Anna  06:24
Bring the spare.
 
Christina Kann  06:26
One of them's muggle born, how good for like muggle relations!
 
Andrew  06:30
Right? It's a perfect picture.
 
Christina Kann  06:34
Here's who I would have brought. I think obviously Harry gets to come. He's an orphan. He's never had a single joy in his life. Bring Harry. Bring Lee Jordan, because then two of your kids get to have their best friend there -- like two additional kids. And Lee Jordan loves Quidditch.
 
Andrew  06:52
Maybe the Weasleys know their children very well. And they also know what's going to go on in the future. Ron was actually -- his friend was Hermione. He doesn't know, but his friend was Hermione, and Ginny's friend was Harry, okay? Molly knows her kids, okay? This woman knows her children. Dhe knew already how the world was going to work out. Your plan actually did happen, Christina. What I'm telling you is, that did happen. It just doesn't look as obvious.
 
Christina Kann  07:20
You know that the second Ron Weasley brought her Miami Granger into the Weasley household, Molly and Arthur were like, "We have to make this happen. This is his only hope."
 
Andrew  07:33
This is the only chance he has! Please God let her find him endearing.
 
Christina Kann  07:40
Get ready for the longest slow burn of your life, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Okay, so everyone wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn except for Percy, Charlie, and Bill. They get to Apparate later, and we get a nice little rundown like, what is Apparation? We've never really addressed it before but I get the feeling that's gonna come up in this book.
 
Andrew  08:01
My copy -- I have the big illustrated one -- Apparate is capitalized every time.
 
Christina Kann  08:07
It is in every edition.
 
Andrew  08:09
Really? I have never noticed that before.
 
Christina Kann  08:12
I'm pretty sure. What about you Anna?
 
Anna  08:13
I think so. I'm looking -- Yep, Apparating is capitalized.
 
Christina Kann  08:18
That bitch loves to capitalize some words. She will capitalize anything.
 
Anna  08:24
It's true.
 
Christina Kann  08:25
I'm trying to make a "she'll capitalize on blank blank blank" joke but I can't really pull it together.
 
Anna  08:30
Well she's continuing to capitalize on this series, so.
 
Christina Kann  08:34
That's true. I can't emphasize this enough: buy her books secondhand.
 
Andrew  08:39
Or pirate it!
 
Christina Kann  08:40
We don't -- wink -- condone -- wink -- pirating -- wink -- unless -- wink -- you're on -- wink -- a boat! In last week's episode, we were wondering if Bill Weasley was a straight-up pirate because he was like, "Gringotts doesn't care what I do as long as I bring home all the treasure," and he has one earring and dragon leather boots. That's pirate shit.
 
Anna  09:05
For sure.
 
Christina Kann  09:05
And the alternative is that he's just stealing treasure for Britain, which I don't like that.
 
Anna  09:11
I feel like that's kind of what's happening because he he lives in Egypt, he goes in the tombs, he gets the treasure from the dead wizards out of the tombs. I mean, sounds like it.
 
Christina Kann  09:24
He could have, I guess, specialized in wizard banking because he works for Gringotts, but I like to think that he specialized in wizard anthropology and history. So maybe he's helping with the treasure?
 
Anna  09:37
Yeah, and like charms and stuff.
 
Christina Kann  09:40
Oh, yeah, he's a charm breaker too. Oh, he's just so -- "there's no other word for it -- cool." So we're talking about Apparation. Harry starts asking questions, so we have to learn what splinching is. Thanks, Harry.
 
Andrew  09:55
Everyone else, when you first read this as a child, thought of it as something comical, right?
 
Christina Kann  10:01
Well he says in the paragraph, he's like "A leg in an eyeball sitting on the ground."
 
Andrew  10:06
Right, but it's not a gory leg and eyeball. I thought of like a cartoonish, like a well-rounded leg that has no gore.
 
Christina Kann  10:15
Like a prop.
 
Andrew  10:16
Yeah, it doesn't even look like it was ever attached to anyone. It's just a perfectly rounded hip into leg.
 
Christina Kann  10:23
A Barbie like pulled out of its socket.
 
Andrew  10:25
Yes. Exactly.
 
Christina Kann  10:28
I mean, first they have to like do this to you. They have to give it to you in a comical way because it's the first time you're even hearing of it. And then it escalates. Oh, it escalates. That's one of like the hardest things for me to read in this whole series, when Ron gets splinched in the last book.
 
Andrew  10:47
Wait, what?
 
Anna  10:50
All spoilers all the time!
 
Christina Kann  10:52
He gets splinched, and like, it's bad. The amount of splinched that he gets in the movies is less.
 
Andrew  11:00
On the scale of one to splinch, he is a solid splinch.
 
Christina Kann  11:08
Mr. Weasley is just so happy to explain anything. He's probably like, "Harry, this is super boring, but I would love to ask you about plugs. The electrical kind."
 
Andrew  11:19
You know, my favorites.
 
Christina Kann  11:22
Mrs. Weasley interrupts in the middle of a sentence because she catches a glimpse of something in George's pocket. I guess I got yelled at as a kid or something because I had a visceral response to this. When George gets snapped at, I was like, "Oh shit, it was me. Oh my god, I'm in trouble. She found it." It's like that split second of like, "Do I lie? Is there any way out?"
 
Andrew  11:49
Is there any way I could possibly lie? Let's be honest. If you're a certain age, like a certain level of teenager, at least in my case, it wasn't "Will I lie?" It's "Is there any way I could feasibly get away with a lie?" Like is there any possibility whatsoever that a lie could work? And if there is, I'm probably going to try and lie.
 
Christina Kann  12:10
Also if there's no chance, I probably was still gonna lie. I lied a LOT as a kid. I was a master liar. I lied constantly.
 
Andrew  12:18
And now I only lie to myself about how happy I am.
 
Christina Kann  12:24
Now I have gone way too far in the other direction. I should try being a little less honest sometimes. Yeah, so they have their little candies, their Weasleys -- pause -- Wizarding -- pause -- Wheezes. Wait, shit. Is there an -ing on that word? Wait. I thought it was "Wizard Wheezes" but my notes say "wizarding," so now I have to check everything. Okay, my book says "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes," so good for me.
 
Anna  13:03
Killin' it.
 
Christina Kann  13:05
I just took the picture of the chapter title where I spelled out "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes" for the Instagram today cuz whoa, spoiler alert: we recorded this exactly one week ago. And I was worried that I had spelled it wrong, but I didn't. Everything's fine. Hey, don't even worry about it. Everything's fine.
 
Andrew  13:23
We're all good. Everything's okay. Why are we all panicking? You're the only one panicking. No!
 
Christina Kann  13:29
Well, Mrs. Weasley and the twins, I think, are panicking also, at each other. Molly is accio-ing all of the treats out of the hiding spots on their clothes, like some pretty elaborate hiding spots.
 
Andrew  13:43
Yeah.
 
Anna  13:44
Yeah, they had to like sewed into their jackets.
 
Andrew  13:47
Here's the thing that does disappoint me -- and I don't know whether I'm disappointed or if this is just proof of how awesome Molly Weasley is. But if anyone is going to fully evade getting their entire stash caught, it's the Weasley twins, right?
 
Christina Kann  14:03
Mm hmm.
 
Andrew  14:05
I'll be honest, I might be showing the fact that I haven't read this book in quite a while, but I don't remember them having any when they get to the World Cup.
 
Christina Kann  14:13
Presumably, with all the information we have, no, they don't get any of their candies there.
 
Andrew  14:20
I'm honestly surprised. Is that just how good Molly Weasley is? Or did the did the twins misstep here?
 
Christina Kann  14:28
I think Molly is that good. And I think probably her accio spell is incredibly good. "Give me that! How did you get that? Hand that to me right now! Stop fighting over this toy. Give it to me." You know, slash, "Wow, that the garden is really far away and I really only need like one basil leaf. So I'm just gonna go ahead and accio that!"
 
Andrew  14:51
I would be the laziest wizard ever. Ever.
 
Christina Kann  14:54
I know.
 
Andrew  14:56
I would use technology and then use magic to bridge the gap of laziness that technology still requires you to overcome. Walking the fridge, if your phone is across the room, no, I'm not standing up. What? No! I'm a wizard, and I was muggle born. I am sitting down the rest of my life, thank you very much. I have earned that. I have studied the two worlds. I know the way to combine them. This is my future. I embrace it. I am Wall-E.
 
Christina Kann  15:31
I was exactly about to say that. Well, good for you, Andrew.
 
Andrew  15:36
That would be my goal: to float around on my throne and enjoy life to the fullest.
 
Christina Kann  15:43
I hope you get to achieve that someday. I hope you win the lottery.
 
Andrew  15:48
Tonight. Yay.
 
Christina Kann  15:50
Yeah, well, this time next week, we'll know. Wow, Andrew, what if you're rich by the time this comes out?
 
Andrew  15:55
Oh, you wouldn't know. I'd be the only one to know for a while.
 
Christina Kann  15:58
Please pay off my house. You can hang out here anytime you want to. So Molly Weasley, mad as hell, throws away all of their candy. I do think that is very rude. And I hope she goes back into the trashcan afterwards and puts them in like a little jar for them later. I don't think it is okay at all to completely destroy your child's creative products. You know?
 
Andrew  16:26
I think those are kind of a health and safety hazard. I think the bigger problem is don't just throw them away; if you're going to dispose of them, incinerate them. If something accidentally eats one of those things, it's dead.
 
Christina Kann  16:40
What I would probably do is take them and try to figure out exactly what they were and see if I could help make them safer at all. I think just telling your kids, "Fuck you. You don't get to do this thing that's your dream, you're pursuing. We're not talking about it. Just straight-up, fuck you." I think that is a bad parenting move. You know?
 
Andrew  17:05
I've gotten to the point where I try not to judge parents. I just don't know. I don't know, and on top of that, I'm to the point now that I'm pretty much decided I don't think I'm ever gonna have kids, so like--
 
Christina Kann  17:17
I'm kind of like the opposite of you, where this is how I would act and maybe that makes me a bad parent. So thank God I'm not gonna have kids. I think I would be -- I was gonna say "a hardass" but I guess not as much of a hard ass as Malia easily.
 
Anna  17:34
Molly is super excited about grades; that's her thing. She wants them to have good grades so they can get a good job, but I don't think she's quite computing that all they really want to do is own a shop and do their own stuff. And so I think that's hard for her to come to terms with.
 
Christina Kann  17:52
Yeah, and Bill and Percy set a really high bar. We've don't really know about Charlie's grades. Any thoughts about what kind of grades Charlie probably got in school?
 
Anna  18:06
He probably did. Well, I mean, at least in Care of Magical Creatures, for sure.
 
Christina Kann  18:10
True.
 
Andrew  18:11
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  18:12
He actually got a good care of magical creatures education with what's-their-face -- the last teacher who was there before.
 
Andrew  18:21
Grubby-Plank?
 
Christina Kann  18:23
I think it's Grubbly-Plank. Yeah, I feel like he probably got like, not excellent grades but nothing for a parent to fuss at, you know?
 
Andrew  18:32
He probably was able to get away with it too, because Percy would have been killing it from a young age in the grades department. So he just got that middle child syndrome, where he just--
 
Christina Kann  18:40
Yeah, they're like, "Two out of our three kids are doing pretty well. Let's not worry about the middle one. Don't worry."
 
Andrew  18:45
Wasn't he the Quidditch captain though? So he still had his own accomplishments.
 
Christina Kann  18:50
Was Charlie captain?
 
Andrew  18:51
I believe so.
 
Anna  18:53
Yeah, I think so.
 
Christina Kann  18:55
I believe you! Yeah, you're right. I believed you but I still -- I don't want to give the listeners false information. This is my job, okay?
 
Andrew  19:05
You do realize you just cursed us, and at some point in this episode, we are going to give false information. It might have already happened!
 
Christina Kann  19:12
Oh god! I told you, I got over the lying thing! So they all set out into the dark early morning. I can like almost feel this scene, walking through the white grass before the sun comes out.
 
Andrew  19:30
It's quite possibly one of my favorite times of year, when you still get the fog in the morning and the dew, but it's still cold and crisp. It hasn't frozen over the fog or the dew yet, but it's still like right on that edge. Gosh.
 
Christina Kann  19:49
It kind of gives me like traumatic flashbacks also to going to high school at like six o'clock in the morning or whatever. It's either super exciting or like "aw, fuck, school."
 
Andrew  20:02
So I didn't realize how much of Harry Potter was trauma linked to you.
 
Christina Kann  20:06
Wow hmm interesting. Well, I guess if you spend like 25% of your life indulging in one specific media series, then probably a lot of trauma gets linked to it. And a lot of joy. That fun trauma. Man, this whole chapter is like kind of an info dump. Harry's like, "How does everyone even get to the World Cup?" So Arthur's just cheerfully explaining portkeys and he's like, "It's a logistical nightmare."
 
Andrew  20:39
Are you telling me that the international Quidditch community can't get together and just create a permanent place for the Quidditch World Cup? Like I understand it's supposed to be analogous to the regular World Cup, but the difference is that you don't have to hide the regular World Cup from everyone. You don't have to hide the Olympics. In fact, you do quite the opposite. So if you're going to do that, it only makes sense to have -- off in the middle of like the sea, an artificial island that only--
 
Christina Kann  21:13
Like Azkaban but for Quidditch!
 
Andrew  21:15
Exactly! Quidditch-kaban!
 
Christina Kann  21:18
That would be so cool. It's in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Oh my god.
 
Anna  21:23
That's perfect. No one goes there.
 
Andrew  21:26
That's why it's the Bermuda Triangle.
 
Christina Kann  21:29
Andrew, the last time you're on an episode, we also talked about the Bermuda Triangle. We talked about Bermuda specifically, actually, not the triangle. So they're climbing this big ass hill. It's called Stoatshead Hill. STOAT. Okay, this is the first time in my life that I've read this series knowing what a stoat is. As a reminder, it's like a weasel, basically, and Hagrid eats them. So they all spread out looking for this portkey, but they don't even know what it is because a portkey's always a piece of garbage or something nobody wants to touch.
 
Anna  22:26
Yeah, here's my question. They say they do that so that muggles won't pick it up. But what about people that pick up litter? I pick up litter when I see it in the park?
 
Christina Kann  22:36
Yeah, I do too.
 
Anna  22:36
What if I'm accidentally portkeyed?
 
Christina Kann  22:39
This is from a shittier time and shittier place, I think. It's like the country of Britain. And it was the mid to late 90s.
 
Andrew  22:53
The British countryside in '94. '95?
 
Christina Kann  22:56
I'm trying to remember if Mike in the last episode said exactly what year it is because he tends to know for his elaborate pop culture references, you know? But I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I think I would actually get swept away by a portkey. Slash I think I would also desperately not be able to find a portkey I was looking for.
 
Andrew  23:16
Well, and that's the real sad truth is that in this day and age like portkeys could not work this way because people would be just picking up everything. Just walking along, there's nothing but trash. What could it be? Is it the cigarette carton? Is it the empty Monster Energy drink that is just like sitting --? What could it be? It's literally impossible to tell.
 
Christina Kann  23:39
Yeah, I think that it's like not unreasonable that Arthur should have been able to find out what this portkey looks like ahead of time. The ministry put it here, right?
 
Andrew  23:51
If you're going to the effort to put 200 across Great Britain, couldn't you also like keep track of what each one is? Or is a third column on the spreadsheet just too much?
 
Christina Kann  24:04
Or a map. Just imagine a little map of Britain with little stamps of the little items. That would be adorable and user friendly, easy to read.
 
Anna  24:15
And what if you miss your portkey? Do you take the Knight Bus? What do you do? And why is the Knight Bus not a possible option?
 
Christina Kann  24:22
Ooh, it probably is. But honestly, the Weasleys probably don't fuck with the Knight Bus. That seems like a bit of more of a desperate situation. I would probably end up taking the Knight Bus. "You know, there's a bus for only $20 from here to the Quidditch World Cup?"
 
Anna  24:38
Yeah, why would you take muggle transportation if you can take the Knight Bus?
 
Andrew  24:42
Why would you touch an old boot if you could just take the Knight Bus?
 
Anna  24:47
It probably smells.
 
Christina Kann  24:49
Well, so does the bus.
 
Anna  24:53
Touche.
 
Christina Kann  24:56
I just think there's just a lot of alternatives that could have happened here. I think Arthur, if they had missed the portkey, I think he probably would have just called somebody to come make a new one -- or he might even be able to make one himself. It's a simple spell that Dumbledore does eventually.
 
Andrew  25:15
It's literally "portus." Wow, clever.
 
Anna  25:23
Then Mad-Eye Moody says something about it's not worth their life creating one unauthorized, so I feel there's a big plot hole where Dumbledore can do it willy nilly, but somebody else goes to try and do it, and there's a notification in the ministry.
 
Christina Kann  25:39
Dumbledore, though. He can apparate all willy nilly. He can do a lot of things all willy nilly. He needs to put his willy away, honestly.
 
Anna  25:50
No one needs to see that.
 
Christina Kann  25:53
No one needs to see that. They don't find the portkey. There's a shout, though, from someone who has found it. It's Amos Diggory!
 
Andrew  26:04
How big is this hilltop?
 
Christina Kann  26:07
Dude, it's like a British moor. It could be like a really big hill.
 
Andrew  26:11
It's more like a plateau. Cuz it says that they don't see them, and Amos calls from across the hill. I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  26:20
Maybe there's a lot of trees, but then that would be like an extra hard for the portkey situation.
 
Andrew  26:25
Yeah! "By the way, good luck looking through the woods, nerd. Go get your moldy boot out of the woods." Everything about this is starting to sound insulting. "We're gonna make you get up real early. You gotta climb a fucking hill."
 
Christina Kann  26:49
Well, the Lovegoods have been there for two weeks already or whatever because they had the shitty tickets.
 
Anna  26:54
Yeah.
 
Andrew  26:56
I know anything about Luna Lovegood, she digs camping. I don't know why, but that just screams Luna Lovegood to me.
 
Christina Kann  27:04
Yeah that's the thing with chapters like this. Upon reading this, there's kind of nothing going on. But there's always something going on. There's always shit to pick apart. This portkey business makes absolutely no sense.
 
Andrew  27:18
Once again, it's one of the things that the illustrious author of this series chose to do many times. It's like they had an idea of how many things they wanted to put in the book, like how many references, and then they just dumped in as much as possible. We'll get these chapters where it's like books worth of future shit that's all just jammed into one chapter.
 
Christina Kann  27:39
It's poor writing. I know we say this all the time, but when I read this book, I usually barrel through it, so I don't clock these short, inconsequential chapters because they all blur together in this nice little montage of recap and worldbuilding and Molly Weasley's cooking. But reading it chapter by chapter, this is just buildup. This is just walking up a hill.
 
Andrew  28:09
It's kind of funny because I've had the same effect with reading them slowly and like over the course of years as opposed to days.
 
Christina Kann  28:18
It's been years!
 
Andrew  28:20
It really does kind of point out is how good the first few movies were especially, because the first few movies have this episodic feel of these times, right? And when you read the books, especially this one, it's like summer, fall, winter, resolution, right? That's the way that a lot of these books in the series go is that you have the summer shit, then you have the fall is where the problem is introduced, then you have the winter, where everything goes mad and they have a little time by themselves, and then you get to the resolution at the end in the spring.
 
Christina Kann  28:56
Yeah, actually this setup kind of fucked me up. I expect the same from other series. Like I recently read the Percy Jackson series, and I was like, "Okay well a lot of this takes place at Camp Half-blood, so I guess every book starts in the summertime, at Camp Half-blood and then goes through the school year, and then we start the next book at the next summer at Camp Half-blood." Not at all. This book takes three weeks; this book takes six months; and then in the next book, you're four years older. That's dramatic, but it's more whiplash going around to these different books than I've come to expect from reading Harry Potter.
 
Andrew  29:36
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  29:37
So Amos Diggory has a moldy old boot on each foot, and then he's also holding one. Also there'd Cedric, "extremely handsome," which as a reminder, the narrator definitely is like, pretty much Harry. So...
 
Anna  29:57
Harry's like, "Hey, he's hot. Way hotter than Malfoy."
 
Christina Kann  30:01
I think that makes sense, because the way that he's like, "Dude, honestly there's no other way to describe Bill. He's cool. He's a cool dude. I'm 14. This guy is cool." I feel like Harry looks to Cedric and he's like, "I got nothing. You're extremely handsome."
 
Andrew  30:18
Cedric is the ultimate good boy, and that's what Harry wants to be is, is an ultimate level. Good boy. He's like, "You look very handsome and look very attractive to everyone. Clearly everyone would be into you."
 
Christina Kann  30:32
Man, I just haven't found my perfect Cedric. Obviously Robert Pattinson no longer does it for me because it's just not right. The Cedric from Puffs was very good. If you haven't seen that, Anna, I definitely recommend it. But he wasn't this suave, extremely handsome -- he's a bit gawky and kind of Puffy. You know? This Cedric in the books is just like stoic, chiseled, you know? Kind of Kocoum. Catch me bringing up Kocoum at every turn because I married him basically. *singing* Steady as the beating drum. *end singing* So Arthur introduces everyone and we get the classic, "Harry? Harry Potter?" And he's like, Yeah, no, it's me.
 
Andrew  31:25
By Merlin's Beard!
 
Christina Kann  31:28
Something that is hard when you're writing a secondary world fantasy or a fantasy like this, where it's a whole subculture that's pretty out of touch with our culture is writing language, writing slang, including profanities and stuff like swearing. And so I really like the way that they do swearing in these books. There's the stuff that the dads say, like "Merlin's beard" is a dad/grandpa thing to say.
 
Andrew  31:57
They like made their own -- and I only learned this word the other day, so I might be using it wrong -- neo-logo-ism.
 
Christina Kann  32:05
I think it's neologism.
 
Andrew  32:17
Neologism. Yeah. Which is a cool word I only learned recently. They did a really good job of creating that, right?
 
Christina Kann  32:26
"A newly coined word or expression."
 
Andrew  32:29
Yeah, so it's anything that's brand new slang that isn't established slang yet to like Coke instead of Coca Cola. Right?
 
Christina Kann  32:40
I see. Yes. By Merlin's beard. I was like, "What the fuck were we talking about? How did we get here?" By Merlin's beard! Amos Diggory is bragging about how Cedric beat Harry at Quidditch the year before. I love Amos Diggory. I love a ride or die. He's obviously a Hufflepuff too, because he's loyal as hell. But yeah, you don't like brag to a bunch of kids about how they lost.
 
Anna  33:06
Especially cuz it wasn't even Harry's fault. He almost died.
 
Andrew  33:12
And the way that he words it too. "If one can hold on to their broom and the other one can't." Okay, that is a vast oversimplification of the situation at hand.
 
Christina Kann  33:23
Yeah.
 
Anna  33:24
it kind of gave me alumni dad vibes where he's like, "Yeah, my kid's on the football team. And this is what you're gonna remember forever, because it's what I remember forever because I peaked in high school."
 
Christina Kann  33:35
Oooh! Got him. You're absolutely right.
 
Anna  33:43
Amos is kind of a douche and I don't feel he's very Puff. I mean, he's very loyal. But he's not very kind.
 
Christina Kann  33:50
Okay, okay. Is he maybe a Gryffindor?
 
Anna  34:00
I don't know, maybe.
 
Christina Kann  34:01
With his bravado.
 
Andrew  34:04
Maybe he's just the other side of Hufflepuff where he is very loyal. And it's not that he's trying to be a dick. It's just that he is so loyal to Cedric, and he's going to push that motive even though it might not come out, right or might not sound right.
 
Anna  34:26
Kinda like Ernie MacMillan.
 
Christina Kann  34:28
Oh my god, Ernie fuckin MacMillan. He's kind of like a frat boy Hufflepuff. Even a Hufflepuff in a frat is still gonna act a certain way, you know?
 
Andrew  34:42
Huffle-bro.
 
Andrew  34:42
Huffle-bro! Gnarly.
 
Andrew  34:46
Or a Puffle-bro.
 
Christina Kann  34:49
So it's time. "Oop, quickly, everyone. It's time right now. We didn't talk about it before. I didn't explain the concept to you. You have no idea what's going on. To me! Quickly. To me!" And everyone touches the portkey.
 
Andrew  35:08
How strongly do you think you must grasp said portkey?
 
Christina Kann  35:13
I think like skin to skin.
 
Andrew  35:15
You think just a fingertip would do?
 
Christina Kann  35:31
The fingertip is enough. He pokes it with the tip of his finger.
 
Anna  35:35
Yeah, I think Mr. Weasley even says, "It'll only take like touching it with your finger."
 
Andrew  35:41
I really should have paid more attention at the end of the chapter.
 
Anna  35:44
You really should have, Andrew.
 
Christina Kann  35:45
It spells it out!
 
Anna  35:46
Yeah, it does say says "You just need to touch the portkey; that's all. A finger will do."
 
Christina Kann  35:51
Thank you so much, Andrew. You're being a stand-in for the listener who doesn't know anything. And so that way we can explain everything.
 
Andrew  35:59
I do feel bad. I legitimately read this chapter twice, but nothing happens. And by the time I got to the end of it, I was just like, "ahhhh."
 
Christina Kann  36:09
Andrew, don't feel bad. One time in college, I was taking a world literature class. And it was like, pretty hard for me. Everything's translated. It's all poetry. I don't really fuck with poetry. And the teacher would do a quiz at the beginning of every class to make sure you had done the reading,pulling stuff from the poems, you had to answer these questions to verify that you had done the reading. And I would read them every time, several times. In fact, it escalated to reading them as many times as I physically could. And I was still failing these quizzes because none of it stuck in my brain at all. Because generally it was a really hard class for me. So I went to the teacher's office hours, and I was like, "Hey, I'm having a really hard time keeping any of this stuff. What do I do?" And she was like, "Honestly, read it more." And I was like, "Okay, well, I'm already reading each of these poems like five or six times," and she was like, "Read it more. I don't know. Remember it better?"
 
Andrew  37:01
Can you assign us better poems? Is that possible? Like, maybe don't give us crap? Just saying.
 
Christina Kann  37:08
There is one poem from that class that stuck with me like hell, and I've actually plugged it on this podcast before, but the name is escaping me right now.
 
Anna  37:16
That was my least favorite class.
 
Christina Kann  37:18
Absolutely. Me too. Well, and I had to take it twice.
 
Anna  37:24
Oh, no!
 
Christina Kann  37:24
I'm pretty sure I failed it twice, snd then I was just like, "I'll do something else. I don't know."
 
Andrew  37:28
I will find another path, god dammit.
 
Christina Kann  37:34
Oh, well, I don't remember the name of that poem. But...
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  37:36
"If my heart were a wild bird" by 15th-century Turkish love poetry master Fuzuli. "If my heart were a wild bird, it would nest in your twisted curl / wherever I am, oh jinn, my love is by your side / I'm happy with my suffering / take your hand from the medicine that will cure me / Oh Doctor, do not heal me / the poison that destroys me is your cure / Don't be shy and pull your skirts from the hands of those fallen with love / Take care for the hands which holds your hem / if you suddenly emptied may pray evilly to the sky / The fragments of my shattered heart lay pierced on the spearpoints of your lashes / Go to sleep drunk on your own beauty / and mend my heart by the closing of your eyes / separation from you is death, beloved, the end of life itself / I am bewildered by others who live long apart from you / The wick of your spirit is twisted like the hyacinth curl of the beloved / Hey Fuzuli, you can't hope for release / until you burn like a candle with love's flame."
 
Christina Kann  38:39
So we're in the middle of a portkey! How did we get so distracted in the middle of a portkey?
 
Andrew  38:44
Love finds away.
 
Christina Kann  38:48
So Harry feels this pole like in his gut. And I thought that was interesting because, as I recently mentioned, I recently reread the Percy Jackson series for the first time, and that's also where magic grabs Percy, behind the belly button. Isn't that interesting?
 
Anna  39:04
I feel like that happens in a lot of books with magic, that it's in your gut. You have to like reach down into your gut and pull it up.
 
Christina Kann  39:13
That's so interesting.
 
Andrew  39:15
Not to totally take this off track, but when I was young, for whatever reason, when I read the word "naval," I thought it was like . . . behind your boob. So I always imagined like being pulled by your boob anywhere that you went.
 
Christina Kann  39:31
Shut the fuck up!
 
Andrew  39:35
I don't know why, but I misread it. I guess maybe I thought I read "nipple" or something. But for some reason, to this day, I hear "naval" in regards to a portkey, and I still think boob.
 
Anna  39:54
My tenders!
 
Christina Kann  39:57
Gods grant that none of us gets yanked by our boobs anywhere.
 
Anna  40:02
Thank the lord.
 
Andrew  40:04
That sounds like an old Greek punishment in Tartarus, being led by the breast around.
 
Anna  40:10
Is that why some people have three nipples?
 
Christina Kann  40:14
This is my punishment nipple!
 
Anna  40:21
Harry Styles has four!
 
Andrew  40:23
What?
 
Anna  40:24
Harry Styles has four. He must be in extra trouble.
 
Christina Kann  40:27
Does Harry Styles really have four nipples?
 
Anna  40:29
I think so.
 
Andrew  40:33
Same some for the rest of us.
 
Christina Kann  40:37
Obviously, I fact-checked this one, and here is what I learned from the article "Harry Styles Has Four Nipples and Here's the Scientific Reason Why," which was posted in LadBible earlier this year. He does have four nipples, they're tiny. They're cute. It's explained in this article that sometimes when human beings are developing, nipple cells just wander. So it's not uncommon to have extra nipples. It turns out Mark Wahlberg has three nipples. And that's the only other example this article gives. But um, but there you go. Four nipples. Double your pleasure.
 
Christina Kann  41:21
If you do have a third nipple that's exclusively for punishment, surely it's pierced, right?
 
Anna  41:26
Surely.
 
Andrew  41:28
It's not, it will be.
 
Christina Kann  41:33
We always spiral really hard right before the very last thing that happens in the chapter.
 
Andrew  41:40
How do we land this portkey?
 
Christina Kann  41:42
Yeah well, they land. They're here.
 
Andrew  41:44
Oh, we did it!
 
Anna  41:48
I feel like it sounds like maybe Cedric Diggory has taken a portkey before, because him, Mr. Diggory, and Mr. Weasley are still standing, and everybody else is on the ground.
 
Christina Kann  41:59
Oh, I wonder if it's an easy way to travel with kids. I don't know if floo powder costs money, but making a portkey is free. So maybe Amos Diggory got certified in portkey magic, or whatever, since you can't do it unless you're allowed to.
 
Anna  42:17
And he works for the ministry.
 
Christina Kann  42:19
Yeah, exactly. Maybe they have classes on the weekends.
 
Andrew  42:21
Yeah. It could also be the opposite though it could it be that it's a sign of prestige because you have the connections to get the portkey approved. Right?
 
Christina Kann  42:30
Oh, interesting.
 
Anna  42:31
Right.
 
Andrew  42:32
Maybe it's actually the elitist thing to take portkeys. "Amos Diggory grew up taking Cedric everywhere by portkey just because he could. No other reason."
 
Christina Kann  42:43
Just as a reminder, the Diggorys also live in Ottery St. Catchpole. So I don't know if there's a lot of wealth going on in that area. It just feels to me like a bunch of country families. Yeah, the Lovegoods as well. The Lovegoods and the Weasleys, those are both very British countryside, children running around bare feet in the garden. This place can't be real. Actually, what if I'm talking about a real place?
 
Andrew  43:18
Where the children famously run barefoot.
 
Christina Kann  43:21
The fact that Harry Potter came up first doesn't mean this isn't a real place. *gasps* It is! It is real.
 
Andrew  43:29
It's not Israel.
 
Christina Kann  43:32
it's located in Devon, England. Oh my god, wait, I need to look at photos.
 
Andrew  43:37
You know that this place, you could probably watch a graph of its tourism industry just jump right around 2004-2005.
 
Christina Kann  43:50
Wow, prank's on me because obviously all of the images of this place are just from Harry Potter in the Google image search. Okay, I'll do more research about that later. Um, anyway, we're here. We're at the Quidditch World Cup. Any last words about the chapter? Anything we didn't touch on? Anything we should touch a little bit more?
 
Andrew  44:10
That third nipple.
 
Anna  44:14
Always touch the third nipple.
 
Andrew  44:16
Always go for the third nipple. It's just good advice. Solid advice.
 
Christina Kann  44:22
Okay.
 
Andrew  44:22
No, I don't think there's anything.
 
Christina Kann  44:28
Okay, great. Well, let's move on to some plugs. I would like to start by plugging our Patreon. There's a lot of really dope stuff going on over there for patrons. The $5 a month tier gets you access to our monthly bonus episodes, which are -- no offense to the main feed -- but they're more fun and generally better. This month, our bonus episode we'll be sorting Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. So get ready for that. I'm freaking excited. I'm pretty torn about some of these characters.
 
Andrew  45:18
Oh no, I'm going to have to re-binge a bunch of Brooklyn 99 because it's actually been a while since I've watched it.
 
Christina Kann  45:25
I've been re-bingeing for this purpose, and it's a fucking delight. It's better the second time. Um, so anyway, join us on our Patreon, and for as little as $1 a month you can be part of our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. Andrew and Anna hang out there. So come join us. Andrew, what do you have to plug this week since you cannot be found on the internet?
 
Andrew  45:54
I've recently discovered the Apple TV show The Morning Show, and it is absolutely fantastic. It's Jennifer Aniston and Steve Carell and bunch of other people. It's absolutely fascinating. Oh, what is her name? I can't remember. Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon. That's it.
 
Christina Kann  46:20
Crushed it.
 
Andrew  46:21
10 points.
 
Christina Kann  46:23
But you have to split those points equally. 5 to each Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Yeah.
 
Andrew  46:29
Yeah, it's a great show. The first season is really well done. It's a really cool show. I highly recommend it.
 
Christina Kann  46:46
Hell yeah. Thank you so much -- which, I've realized, is what I always say after every single person's plug. Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
 
Andrew  46:54
Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
 
Christina Kann  46:57
Anna, do you want to be found on the internet?
 
Anna  47:01
You can find me in the Discord! I occasionally post there. And I mostly lurk and just like people's posts.
 
Christina Kann  47:11
And that's a really important role.
 
Anna  47:14
Yes, it is. And you can find me on Instagram, but my profile is private. So if I don't recognize who you are, I'm sorry.
 
Christina Kann  47:25
But what you are saying is if I already know, you find me on Instagram.
 
Anna  47:29
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  47:37
So what do you have to recommend that you've been watching, reading, listening to, etc lately that you think our listeners might enjoy?
 
Anna  47:44
I've been watching Only Murders in the Building on Hulu.
 
Christina Kann  47:49
That's next on my list. I haven't seen it yet.
 
Anna  47:51
It's so good. And the episode this week was told from like a deaf person's perspective. And I took sign language in high school and college, so I find that really fascinating and important. The whole episode is basically silent. When he's on the screen, you hear nothing, but if he's not in the scene, then you hear background noises but the characters don't speak. It's such a fun little romp. It's Selena Gomez and Martin Short and Steve Martin. Someone is murdered in their building, and they decided to start a podcast to figure out what happened. So yeah, it's really fun. I highly recommend it. I'm super loving it.
 
Christina Kann  48:40
Awesome. I'm really excited to check that one out. Personally, I've been your host Christina. I'm going to plug something that I've already plugged on this podcast. You should read The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle.
 
Anna  49:27
We've been talking about it a lot in the Discord, and it makes me want to read it so bad. So it's on my ever towering list of TBR.
 
Christina Kann  49:35
It is written by Stuart Turton. And it is one of the most unique, artful, surprising books I've ever read in my life. And I've read thousands of books. This book caught me off guard. It's pretty hard to do that. I'm not trying to brag; I'm just saying send me book recommendations that you think are gonna catch me off guard, please, for the love of God. And I'm recommending The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. I fuckin love it and it's making its rounds because around the friend group because once you read it you can't stop talking about it. Well, Anna, thank you so much for joining us. I'm so happy to finally get you on the pod.
 
Anna  50:15
Thanks, me too. I'm glad to be here.
 
Christina Kann  50:17
And Andrew, my fearless co-pilot. I gotta go finish reading Just Get There! Off the Grid Portkey Creation before this book disappears without me. Bye.
 
Anna  50:39
Bye.